|Topic Started: Jun 19 2012, 01:27 AM (198 Views)|
|Astrix||Jun 19 2012, 01:27 AM Post #1|
Name: Sonya Styke
School: Patriot High
Hobbies and Interests: Bullying, Worshiping the General, Exercising, Volunteer Work, Playing war Strategy Games
Appearance: She is tall, reaching up to 5'7. She is also in the correct weight, being around 130 pounds. She is muscular, but not so overly muscular that she could pass off as a man. While her muscles are apparent, no one really considers her burly. She has an a filled figure, which is almost an hourglass. Her face has a hardened appearance, with cold brown eyes, well defined cheeks and, thin lips, and dark brown hair that is kept in a long braid. She has freckles on her cheeks which are a slight drawback on her otherwise flawless skin, and give it a slightly childish stature.
Her usual outfit consists of a leather jacket, a brown undershirt, and jeans. She prefers not to wear anything provocative as she believes it to be sexist and demeaning. Some people have actually though of her as a lesbian because of her stereotypical lesbian outfit. When she's exercising she'll wear a simple white tank-top and jeans. She refuses to wear anything that people will associate with slutty.
Biography: Sonya was born and raised in a completely conformed household. Everything they own is American, her parents gladly go into military service, and she actually has a shrine to the General in her room which she prays to every night. Her parents have taught her that the General makes every decision correctly and to worship him as he is the ultimate authority figure.
When she was a toddler her parents would set up actual war scenarios with toy soldiers and taught her the correct decisions to make in these scenarios in preparation for her years of service. She has also grown up watching the Program as her parents want to prepare her for the ultimate war scenario. She was taught not to grow too close to her friends because on the off chance that she was selected, she would have to kill them. Her parents taught her that those classmates would have to give their lives up for the greater good and that she must be the sole survivor so she may live to serve her country even more. She enjoys seeing all of these war strategies taught by her parents in action in the Program.
When she was sent to school, she would relentlessly bully those who weren't "American enough" until they would conform to her standards and actually join her in bullying. She brainwashes the other classmates and some people must admit that she is a large influence on the class. She has a gang at school who join her in doing these "american" activities. It is surprising that the school's main bully is also the school's model citizen.
In High School people began to comment positively on her appearance and she hated it. She hates anything considered sexist or misogynistic as she believes it to be an un-american concept that she refuses to acknowledge is a large part of men's culture. She decided to dress in the most unflattering way possible. She dresses without showing any skin or being provocative. Some people have actually thought she was a lesbian but she promptly set the record straight to them, with her fists. She actually has a boyfriend who she deems a patriot, and long story short, she isn't a virgin.
During her free time she'll exercise to gather the strength for her military years. She'll do volunteer work for corporations that she deems american, like building houses, rescuing animals, and donating to charities. She'll also relentlessly bully and ridicule those who are unpatriotic by beating them up, making fun of them, and torturing them.
Advantages: She has prepared for this game her entire life. She is physically fit. She has a militaristic mind.
Disadvantages: She has a lot of enemies from her bullying. She has a short temper, if anyone insults America or her sexuality she will freak out .
|Casey the Undead||Jun 20 2012, 06:15 PM Post #2|
Attitude cuts deeper than swords.
Hey Astrix! My name is Casey, and I'll be handling Sonya's critique. Sonya's a good start, but she's DENIED pending some changes.
First off, let's talk about the overall writing of the profile. Your biggest problem is that you switch tenses a few times, which makes it sort of awkward and difficult to read. Try to keep it all in one tense. It might help if you make the profile more chronological- instead of talking about her birth, and then what she's doing now, and then what she did in kindergarten, try to stick to the order the events happened in (birth, kindergarten, modern day). Also, in the appearance, it might be nice if you said Sonya's name at least once, just so it flows better.
Now onto the actual profile.
Her appearance is off to a really good start, but it needs a touch more. What race is Sonya? What's her complexion? What parts of her body are the most toned- arms, legs, abs? Where does she carry some fat? Try to fill out as many details as possible.
The appearance also has some tonal issues.
This, for example, is awkwardly worded.
This has basically nothing to do with the appearance, and doesn't need to be included in there. If you want to keep it in, I'd suggest putting it in the biography.
Again, this is awkwardly worded (slutty doesn't really work here), but it's also not fitting with the tone. I doubt the word "slut" would make it into a profile written by a government employee unless it was important to the character's backstory (she had the word "slut" spray painted on her locker, or something). I'd use a more formal word here- like provocative. It fits what you're trying to say while still staying within our tonal preferences.
Now, onto the bio.
I'm a little worried about the idea of Sonya praying to a shrine of the General. One, this seems fairly extreme and out of the norm, even for a game like Program. I understand hero worshiping the General, but outright devoting a false idol to him raises a red flag for me (especially if you're putting it as a hobby/interest). This, coupled with a few other parts of the profile, make Sonya seem like a premade player. Specifically, lines like this:
really make it seem like Sonya is gearing up for premade player territory.
Now, on SotF, we're really against the idea of people who are specifically made to go insane and kill others in game. Further, we don't like the idea of characters who are specifically made to be master manipulators or lie detectors, because it takes away from the realism. Your character should be, first and foremost, an average high school student. Now, the setting of Program offers a little wiggle room in what actually makes an average high school student, but being highly trained in strategic defense at the age of 16 is still pushing the limits of what we believe is realistic for the game.
My suggestion is that you reword a lot of this. Having her parents teach her about military strategies is okay- but being an expert strategist who can figure a way out of any scenario is not okay (and wouldn't even be plausible regardless of her age, as each scenario is going to be uniquely different in real life). Having her be a super patriotic pro-American who respects and even idolizes the General is okay, but having her literally take him as her God isn't. Having her be a bully is okay. Having her somehow "brainwash" people into conforming with her ideas and basically being the most influential person in the school isn't.
Okay, so now that the premade player stuff is out of the way, there's still the issue of the bareness of the profile. We want a really good idea of the character, so Sonya is going to need expansion. Try to describe her entire life in the profile. Where was she born? What was her relationship with her parents like? Her home life? What major events shaped her life and view of the world? How is she in school? What type of friends does she make? What are her grades like? What extracurricular activities does she enjoy? Does she like sports? Does she have any siblings? We want a map of her entire character and personality, as well as her life and what made her who she is today. There needs to be a lot more expansion here.
A big thing I want to see expanded is Sonya's views on feminism. Why does she think embracing femininity is sexist or misogynistic? Wouldn't it be more sexist to assume that woman don't have the free agency to choose if they want to be feminine? Does she dislike girls who play up their "girlishness," or who are promiscuous or provocative? Wouldn't it be a big deal in an America like the one we have in Program if people thought she was a lesbian? Wouldn't beating them up make her seem more like the stereotype? Why hasn't she tried to change herself to dissuade these ideas of her sexuality?
You also really don't need to put Sonya's virginity in the profile. It doesn't add anything to the character and is tonally off. Mentioning it a post would be fine, but it adds nothing to the profile whatsoever. And I'm really against the use of the word "torturing" at the end of the profile. Again, it's a premade player flag, and it makes the character seem like an utter psychopath, which isn't going to fly.
Now, onto the advantages and disadvantages. Again the idea of having prepared for Program- a game that is selected by total randomness- her entire life is a big red flag. Even being prepared for getting onto the Program wouldn't give her that much of an advantage, as none of the people who were in the past versions would be playing with her. It's not as if she can suddenly understand how everyone is going to behave or play the game, because the scenarios she's prepared for are not ever going to be exactly the one she's in. It's highly unrealistic as an advantage, and it really shouts "premade player," so it might be best to take it out. The same thing applies to "militaristic mind." Saying she's highly strategic might work, as it could help her, but I fail to see how being pro-military gives her much of an advantage in a world where everyone is pretty pro-military. You also continually mention her physical fitness but fail to mention exactly how she maintains her physique. Does she work out? Play sports? It needs to be somewhere in the bio.
Again, try to mention more about her "freaking out" in regards to America or her sexuality. What are some examples of this? What did she do? How is it a disadvantage? This all needs to be in the profile for it to pass as a disadvantage.
Post when you have the edits and I'll take another look. Thanks!
Bring Out Your Dead
Getting a Second Chance
Live free. Die young.
|Casey the Undead||Jul 7 2012, 06:13 PM Post #3|
Attitude cuts deeper than swords.
|This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff.|
Bring Out Your Dead
Getting a Second Chance
Live free. Die young.
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