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Katherine "Kathy" Clements; The tone seems a little off...
Topic Started: Mar 4 2011, 03:34 AM (737 Views)
Iceblock
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Name: Katherine “Kathy” Clements
Gender: Female
Age: 16
School: Detroit Central High School
Hobbies and Interests: music in general, sleeping, reading, writing, daydreaming

Appearance: At 5 feet 2 inches, Kathy is a couple inches shorter than the average. She has shoulder length wavy blond hair, and light eyes, more blue than green. She’s also annoyingly light, weighing only 105 pounds.

Her face is a pretty normal oval shape, and her eyes sparkle, as all eyes are wont to do when they haven’t been damaged by cataracts or something of the like. As for her nose, there isn’t anything really special about it other than the fact that it’s a little small. She’s Caucasian, and her skin is pretty normal – not tan, not pale, a couple freckles and occasional teenage skin ailments, but nothing special.

She’s definitely not attractive in the normal sense. She doesn’t mind, either. What peeves her is people describing her as cute.

She would much rather like to be considered normal, rather than a term used to endear smaller children.

As for clothing, she wears a T-shirt and jeans. Sometimes she even wears a couple of bracelets on her right arm. Nothing fancy.

Biography: Kathy is the middle child of three sisters, born to middle-class parents. She didn’t really mind being the middle child, actually. Whenever one of her sisters had problems with something – Abigail, her older sister, with boys, or Cassandra, her younger sister, with toilet training, or something like – Kathy could be content in her place as the rational, normal mind of the family. She gets along with her father better than she does with her mother, except for the occasional spat over homework, chores, and the like. Her father works in a white collar job, which pays the bills but not the tuition, and her mother used to work in the same company as well, but quit to take care of the children. With three children, paying tuition wasn't that easy, especially when her sister went to college. Thus, Kathy ended up in Detroit Central High School. They simply couldn't afford a private school and still comfortably afford their mortgage at the same time. Perhaps it should be explained that while Kathy's family was not in the lower class, or working class, due to her parents having an education and white collar jobs, their income was still relatively low in comparison to their expenses.

In elementary school, Kathy took a liking to musical instruments, eventually joining the school band playing the flute. She also experimented with other instruments, like the piano, and in one particularly odd incident, the harp. She’s still not sure what instrument she prefers the best. Her grades throughout elementary school were not particularly exemplary. She was fine with B’s, and so were her parents.

In middle school, she dabbled in drawing and writing. She also continued in the band. She struggled with mathematics during this time, only managing to recover her grades and her sanity after a short time with an excellent tutor. During this time, she first stumbled upon the SotF TV show. It was somewhat entertaining, she supposed. However, after watching a boy’s neck explode, she threw up in the bathroom and then went and drew unicorns. Her parents were not notified of the incident. She no longer watches television. Besides, after managing a few almost sleepless nights working on algebra homework, she decided to maintain a strict regimen of proper sleep.

Finally, in high school, she’s managed to do quite well, managing A- and B+ grades on most everything. Then again, seeing as her parents failed to afford a better high school, the grades don’t really say that much. She doesn't mind Detroit Central that much, except for the times she's been made fun of for her Caucasian ethnicity or relatively wealthier status, the latter of which she usually doesn't disclose anyway. Her older sister had already gone through high school, so Kathy just took her advice and ignored her bullies. Kathy has a small group of friends, but only one or two she is particularly close to. She’s known among her group of friends as a bit of a dreamer, since she often drifts off into thought; she’ll sometimes steal things in jest and play pranks, as well, but she isn’t any good at it. Large crowds annoy her and make her nervous, and the only kind of people Kathy truly hates are those who are arrogant and dismiss other’s accomplishments. She still has problems with overly theoretical mathematics, but enjoys reading and writing. In fact, she started and finished the rough draft of a novel recently, but so far it remains unedited, unread except by her younger sister, who she’s particularly close to, and unpublished.

It will likely remain that way.

Advantages: Kathy might find creative ways to dispatch her opponents. Thinking outside the box and on the fly are advantages typically associated with a creative mind, if panicking doesn’t do her in. Also, she’s a smaller target and not terribly out of shape, meaning that she's not lacking muscle mass due to atrophy and could probably run at an average pace.
Disadvantages: Sometimes she can be overly optimistic, and despite the low status of the high school she attends, isn’t quite used to mean people. Also, her strength is obviously lacking – she isn’t about to outwrestle anyone anytime soon. This is referring to her low body weight, causing a decrease in relative strength, due to smaller muscles than others of a larger size. She’s a pretty easy target that way. Her experience with the SotF show also highlights her queasiness with the subject, but that could be considered typical of high school students, as is her lack of experience with firearms and combat in general. She doesn't have much experience with sleeplessness, either, which could prove fatal if her drowsiness overpowers her at an inopportune time.
Edited by Iceblock, Mar 5 2011, 06:46 AM.
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MurderWeasel
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Hi, Iceblock!

Kathy's profile is a very good start, but she is DENIED pending a few adjustments.

To start with, while we allow a bit more tonal leniency on Mini than the main site, we'd still like the profiles to stay mostly formal. A few lines stand out as needing removal or adjustment:

"What does cute mean, anyway? She’s a teenager! She’d rather just be normal."

"…Kathy might find creative ways to dispatch her opponents. Maybe if she played music on the bottom of a cliff, people would follow and fall off the cliff out of stupidity." (This one is especially important, as we use advantages and disadvantages to help ensure balance)

Also, some of her hobbies (sleeping and daydreaming) aren't really elaborated upon in her bio.

Finally, I'd like to know a bit more about how she relates to school and the world. How does she generally act around people? How does she feel about her school and classmates? What's her family's economic situation? Does she get along with her parents? Just that sort of stuff.

Post when you've got her edited, and we'll give her another look. Thanks!
Current characters:

The Program: V3 Prologue:
Mina Mashall - Digital Voice Recorder - Making a good impression - "I didn't know you felt so strongly about me."
Erik Bell - Jericho .941 - Having lunch - "May I?"

SECOND CHANCES: V2:
Assorted flora and fauna

SOTF-TV V2:
EW4: Jewel Evans - Chatterbox Communicator Headsets (0/5) - Online - ELIMINATED - "Scars are just reminders to be better next time."

Past characters:

If you want an honest assessment of your character's storyline, feel free to PM me and I'll whip one up as soon as I am able.

Thanks to Bear/Frogue/Kotorikun/Ryuki for the avatar art.
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Iceblock
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Understood.

Edit complete; feedback requested.

Heehee, I'm formal!
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Program V2:
Audrey McKee -- F11 -- Weighted Leather Glove -- Alive -- Semper Fi

Rest in Peace
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MurderWeasel
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Looking much better!

I have a few little questions left:

If her family is middle class, why are they sending Kathy to a lower-class, inner-city school? Is it just a matter of locational convenience?

I'd also like to know how she feels about her school, coming from outside the normal socio-economic demographic. Has this caused her any trouble?

You should remove the ellipsis (...) from her advantages.

Finally, this: "she’s a smaller target and not terribly out of shape. "
seems to contradict this: "Also, her strength is obviously lacking – she isn’t about to outwrestle anyone anytime soon."

A bit more specific description would help, if both these things are true.

Post when you've got Kathy edited, and we'll give her another look. Thanks!
Current characters:

The Program: V3 Prologue:
Mina Mashall - Digital Voice Recorder - Making a good impression - "I didn't know you felt so strongly about me."
Erik Bell - Jericho .941 - Having lunch - "May I?"

SECOND CHANCES: V2:
Assorted flora and fauna

SOTF-TV V2:
EW4: Jewel Evans - Chatterbox Communicator Headsets (0/5) - Online - ELIMINATED - "Scars are just reminders to be better next time."

Past characters:

If you want an honest assessment of your character's storyline, feel free to PM me and I'll whip one up as soon as I am able.

Thanks to Bear/Frogue/Kotorikun/Ryuki for the avatar art.
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Iceblock
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I have attempted to correct the instances that were pointed out.

However, I corrected instead of removed the sentences that you found contradictory. Perhaps they make more sense now? One I was trying to refer to cardiovascular fitness, which is to say she's relatively fit, and not out of shape. I didn't mention her exercising at all in the bio; should I do that, or can it be assumed that she isn't simply sitting around and eating potato chips? The disadvantages sentence, I was trying to refer to relative body weight -- a smaller person with the same ratio of fitness or muscles as a larger person would probably be at a disadvantage in a strength contest.

If it seems too much like trying to give her more advantages, I can remove one of them completely.

EDIT: Also, thanks for the critiques. If only I could get critiques on my posts... :P

That'd probably end up with my posts taking a couple of days to finish, though.
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Program V2:
Audrey McKee -- F11 -- Weighted Leather Glove -- Alive -- Semper Fi

Rest in Peace
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MurderWeasel
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Hey! Kathy's looking much better. There's just one tiny thing left.

As a public school, Detroit Central is actually free. All public schools are in the US. This makes the comment about it being the only thing her parents can afford a little odd. Maybe replace it with a note that they simply couldn't afford a private school?

Post when that's done, and you should be good to go.
Current characters:

The Program: V3 Prologue:
Mina Mashall - Digital Voice Recorder - Making a good impression - "I didn't know you felt so strongly about me."
Erik Bell - Jericho .941 - Having lunch - "May I?"

SECOND CHANCES: V2:
Assorted flora and fauna

SOTF-TV V2:
EW4: Jewel Evans - Chatterbox Communicator Headsets (0/5) - Online - ELIMINATED - "Scars are just reminders to be better next time."

Past characters:

If you want an honest assessment of your character's storyline, feel free to PM me and I'll whip one up as soon as I am able.

Thanks to Bear/Frogue/Kotorikun/Ryuki for the avatar art.
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Iceblock
Veteran
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Edited!
This signature intentionally left blank.

Program V2:
Audrey McKee -- F11 -- Weighted Leather Glove -- Alive -- Semper Fi

Rest in Peace
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
MurderWeasel
Member Avatar
I can trick them into thinking anything
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Looks good.

APPROVED
Current characters:

The Program: V3 Prologue:
Mina Mashall - Digital Voice Recorder - Making a good impression - "I didn't know you felt so strongly about me."
Erik Bell - Jericho .941 - Having lunch - "May I?"

SECOND CHANCES: V2:
Assorted flora and fauna

SOTF-TV V2:
EW4: Jewel Evans - Chatterbox Communicator Headsets (0/5) - Online - ELIMINATED - "Scars are just reminders to be better next time."

Past characters:

If you want an honest assessment of your character's storyline, feel free to PM me and I'll whip one up as soon as I am able.

Thanks to Bear/Frogue/Kotorikun/Ryuki for the avatar art.
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