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Jacob Langston; He's just this guy, you know?
Topic Started: Feb 25 2011, 08:12 PM (744 Views)
peregrineink
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Name: Jacob "Jake" Langston
Gender: Male
Age: 17
School: Silver Dragon Academy
Hobbies and Interests: The school newspaper, Music, Swimming

Appearance: Jake is a rather tall kid, clocking in at 6'4" and weighing 183lbs. He's a little on the skinny side for his height, but he has a nice swimmer's build thanks to his time on the swim team. He has a long face, and he usually looks rather hang dog, which definitely contrasts with his rather sunny personality. He has shaggy blond hair that constantly flops over his eyes, which are bright blue and framed by long lashes.

Jake is a fan of the grungy sort of "plaid button down shirt thrown over a vintage band t-shirt" look. On the day he was chosen he was wearing a gray plaid shirt thrown over a "The Who" t-shirt. He also wore some beat up looking blue jeans as well as some red high top converse.

Biography: Jake was born to Holly and George Langston in Bryan, Texas. Both Holly and George went to SDA, and met each other there. Because of this they knew that their children would go no matter what. So, when Jake became school age, they had him apply and were absolutely overjoyed when he was accepted. They weren't a rich family, but they definitely weren't poor.

Jake was a sickly kid, whatever bug went around in school, he got it. Besides a particularly nasty bout of the measles when he was 5, nothing too perilous ever happened to him. Of course, this didn't stop his mother from worrying over him when he was a child, up until he was old enough to fight his mother on this, she never allowed him to play too much with other children, team sports were off-limits, and only closely guarded one-on-one playdates were allowed.

In order to make it up to him, Jake's mother started him on piano lessons starting when he was 8. Two years later, he asked if he could switch to guitar, finding himself far more interested in the "classic rock" period than the truly classical. His mother, gave him an acoustic guitar for Christmas. To off-set Jake's coddling mother, his father would take Jake hunting on weekends, teaching him how to clean and fire rifles as well as field dress anything killed on their excursion. Of course, his mother wasn't too hot about her precious boy shooting guns at animals and was incredibly pleased to find that he absolutely hated doing it. On more than one occasion, Jake was known to throw up at the sight of blood. His father stopped bringing him out hunting when he was 12 years old.

Because of his delicate immune system, he tries to be as healthy as possible, he eats healthy and joined the swim team to keep in shape. An average student, Jake finds that he naturally excells at English and joined the school newspaper after his English teacher told him that he should. He is simple reporter now, he's working his way up to editor and has been playing with the idea of joining yearbook, but doesn't think that he'll have time because of swim meets and covering events for the newspaper.

On top of all of this though, Jake absolutely loves music, and playing his guitar is his favorite thing. He's a mediocre songwriter, too embarrassed to share with anyone else, not even his closest friends. He loves the creation aspect of music, to him writing is saying exactly how you feel, where with music, you're showing them your feelings. Jake's a nice guy, he doesn't make fun of anyone, he's not popular but he's not social cyanide either. He's just a nice guy that everyone seems to know, he has a few close friends on the newspaper and the swim team. Even teachers think of him as "a good kid". He's worst subject is science, the complicated concepts confuse him, and he has a hard time dissecting animals.

Advantages: Jake is in great physical condition because of the swim team, his reputation as "a nice guy" might make it difficult for people to attack, he is also familiar with how to use a gun.

Disadvantages: Jake is not too wild about violence and because he is that "nice guy" he is a lot less likely to attack, and he is rather slow to react in tense situations, also his rather visceral reaction to seeing blood doesn't only make him less likely to attack, but also weakens him for a time.
Edited by peregrineink, Mar 16 2011, 03:28 PM.
-PeregrineInk

Honoring the glorious dead:
F26: Maddie Harris: Resident artist.- Seven Unveiled Masterpieces- Death by carelessness
YLW5:Jake Langston:Just a nice guy-No kills- Death by misunderstanding
GLD1:Mae St. Clair -One half of the Golden Couple- One and a half kills- Death by loss of hope
M18: Brian Larke: A horrible human being.- Two kills- Death by just desserts.
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T-Fox
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Hi peregrineink! Jacob is DENIED barring some relatively major changes.

First, just a couple of formatting issues. Could you please Capitalize the Gender and Hobbies fields for me?

Appearence looks good. Just fix the line break after "On the".

Now for the Biography. Here's where most of the issues lie.

Quote:
 
Jake was born to Holly and George Langston in Bryan, Texas. They weren't a rich family, but they definitely weren't poor.

So far so good.

Quote:
 
However, when Jake was five, he was diagnosed with leukemia. At first it didn't look good, the doctors were talking about his life in the frame of months, but sometime around his 7th birthday it went into remission. His parents consider it a miracle.

This throws a red flag in my mind. Leukemia is extremely rare in people in general, especially so in children. A little quick Wikipedia research reveals: "In 2000, approximately 256,000 children and adults around the world developed some form of leukemia, and 209,000 died from it. About 90% of all leukemias are diagnosed in adults." Don't get me, wrong, it IS possible for a kid from well off parents in Texas to develop it, but SotF is all about realistic characters. Just because this one is in a dystopic near future, everything is the same as today except for some Technologies and the fact that the Entertainment industry is out of ideas. Keep this in mind.

Quote:
 
Jake himself doesn't like talking about what it was like to be so sick, and unfortunately from Kindergarten to 2nd grade, he was known as the "sick kid". The fact that Jake almost died as a child haunts him and his biggest fear is it coming out of remission.

If Jake never talked about it, how did he become known as the "Sick Kid"? The second part makes perfect sense however, giving his past.

Also, I'd like to see a little about what kind of therapies he went through and how it affected his school career. Did he get left behind a year because of treatment?

Quote:
 
Because of this, he tries to be as healthy as possible, he eats healthy and joined the swim team to keep in shape.

Excellent idea! This is great for a character that has had trauma like that in his past.

Quote:
 
An average student, Jake is best at English, and joined the school newspaper after his English teacher told him that he should. A simple reporter now, he's working his way up to editor and has been playing with the idea of joining yearbook, but doesn't think that he'll have time because of swim meets and covering events for the newspaper.

Is there any real reason that he excels in English, or is it just a natural talent? And how does he enjoy working for the Newspaper. Both good, fleshed out points, and good activities for a fleshed out character.

Quote:
 
On top of all of this though, Jake absolutely loves music, and playing his guitar is his favorite thing. He's a mediocre songwriter, too embarrassed to share with anyone else, not even his closest friends.

Another great idea. I'd like to see a little more. For example, what got him into music?

Quote:
 
Jake's a nice guy, he doesn't make fun of anyone, he's not popular but he's not social cyanide either! He's just a nice guy that everyone seems to know of (probably because he's the "cancer kid"), but only has a few very close friends. Jake's weakest subject is science, mostly because he's too squeamish to cut open any frogs!

Alright, the nice guy bit is excellent. The attitude however here swaps right over to extremely informal, and these are done by the cold, impartial producers of SotF-TV, so if you wouldn't mind keeping this in stride with the tone of the rest of the profile that would be great.

Same thing goes for the Disadvantages, please swap that back over to a relatively serious tone, same as the rest of the profile.

Any edits that you feel go in stride with this would be appreciated too. Writing a character with such an issue in his past is honestly quite difficult to do, and it's my personal reccomendation that you remove the Leukemia aspect completely. The second paragraph is where Jacob seems to start to jump out at me as a real high school kid, when I ignore the "Cancer Kid" bits.

One last thing I would like to see added. Talk a little about his entry to SDA. It's a private academy, so why did he and his parents choose it?

Post when you've given Jacob some edits and we'll go from there.
Second Chances:
B??: Chadd Crossen (Audi R8) - Colehurst Secondary School - (Kill Count: 0) - 100% - "I've got my girl and my ride. What else does a guy need?
B??: Rekka Saionji (Sushi Knife) - Colehurst Secondary School (Kill Count: 0) - 100% - "I don't think I'll ever get used to this place... The sea is where I belong."

Old RPs
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peregrineink
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Jake's all edited! I got rid of the cancer bit and just made him that guy who plays guitar at parties.
-PeregrineInk

Honoring the glorious dead:
F26: Maddie Harris: Resident artist.- Seven Unveiled Masterpieces- Death by carelessness
YLW5:Jake Langston:Just a nice guy-No kills- Death by misunderstanding
GLD1:Mae St. Clair -One half of the Golden Couple- One and a half kills- Death by loss of hope
M18: Brian Larke: A horrible human being.- Two kills- Death by just desserts.
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T-Fox
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Alright, Jake is looking a lot better here, but there's still one or two minor issues that need to be addressed; all formatting.

First, I'd still like to see those two massive biography paragraphs broken up a little, and a space placed between each one. It just makes it a lot easier to read for the moderators come weapon assignment, review, and wiki entry. There should also be a line between the Biography and Advantages sections.

Last, the final sentence in the Advantages section doesn't end with any punctuation.

Finally, and this one isn't that big of a deal, but if you think of another disadvantage as well would you mind adding it in?
Second Chances:
B??: Chadd Crossen (Audi R8) - Colehurst Secondary School - (Kill Count: 0) - 100% - "I've got my girl and my ride. What else does a guy need?
B??: Rekka Saionji (Sushi Knife) - Colehurst Secondary School (Kill Count: 0) - 100% - "I don't think I'll ever get used to this place... The sea is where I belong."

Old RPs
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peregrineink
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Edited again! I fixed the formatting and let me know if it needs any more!
-PeregrineInk

Honoring the glorious dead:
F26: Maddie Harris: Resident artist.- Seven Unveiled Masterpieces- Death by carelessness
YLW5:Jake Langston:Just a nice guy-No kills- Death by misunderstanding
GLD1:Mae St. Clair -One half of the Golden Couple- One and a half kills- Death by loss of hope
M18: Brian Larke: A horrible human being.- Two kills- Death by just desserts.
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T-Fox
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Just put one blank line between each paragraph, and one between the Biography and Advantages just like you did up in the Appearance. Sorry to be so nitpicky, but it's a standard we hold all of our character Biographies to.
Second Chances:
B??: Chadd Crossen (Audi R8) - Colehurst Secondary School - (Kill Count: 0) - 100% - "I've got my girl and my ride. What else does a guy need?
B??: Rekka Saionji (Sushi Knife) - Colehurst Secondary School (Kill Count: 0) - 100% - "I don't think I'll ever get used to this place... The sea is where I belong."

Old RPs
Spoiler: click to toggle


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peregrineink
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Don't worry about it! I think it's fixed now.
-PeregrineInk

Honoring the glorious dead:
F26: Maddie Harris: Resident artist.- Seven Unveiled Masterpieces- Death by carelessness
YLW5:Jake Langston:Just a nice guy-No kills- Death by misunderstanding
GLD1:Mae St. Clair -One half of the Golden Couple- One and a half kills- Death by loss of hope
M18: Brian Larke: A horrible human being.- Two kills- Death by just desserts.
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T-Fox
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There we go! APPROVED.
Edited by T-Fox, Feb 28 2011, 08:31 PM.
Second Chances:
B??: Chadd Crossen (Audi R8) - Colehurst Secondary School - (Kill Count: 0) - 100% - "I've got my girl and my ride. What else does a guy need?
B??: Rekka Saionji (Sushi Knife) - Colehurst Secondary School (Kill Count: 0) - 100% - "I don't think I'll ever get used to this place... The sea is where I belong."

Old RPs
Spoiler: click to toggle


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