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Viewing Single Post From: Gabriel Munez
The Homeless Bearde
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"Two plus two is four, minus one is three quick maths"
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Hey there, Doc Balance! I’m The Homeless Beard, and I’ll be the one critiquing Gabriel today.

Gabriel looks great, but I'm going to have to stamp a DENIED sticker on him pending a few minor changes here and there. Once these are fixed up, I'll give him another look. Where grammatical or spelling issues arise, my comments will be in Blue. As always, if you require further explanation or have any questions and/or comments, feel free to post them in this thread, or send me a PM.

Quote:
 
An assailant who Gabriel would later identify a middle-aged, balding, dangerously thin white male with an unkempt, brown beard.

This feels like an aborted sentence. I get why the assailant is being described, but then this is dropped and the bio moves on to what happened. Can you fit the assailant's description in with the actual incident description for me?

Quote:
 
...certification courses in hopes of becoming an EMT, and later a paramedics, after the emergency personnel who kept him calm and safe after his assault.

Stray S there. This is slightly weirdly worded - it's reading as though he decided this chronologically after the incident, as opposed to following in the EMT's footsteps. If that's what you intended, don't change a thing.

Make these changes, post here when complete, and I'll hit Gabriel with another run through.

Thanks,

--THB
SOTF SCDos
Brandon Baxter is holding it all together. -- Keep it secret, keep it safe.
Kasumi White is writing her story. -- She could do this.

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