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Viewing Single Post From: Marion Clayton
MurderWeasel
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I'm a slogan, an old story
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Hi, Un67!

Marion's profile is a good start, but she is DENIED pending a few changes.

To start with, I'd like you to give her a numerical weight.

Next, this sentence: "She usually wears fairly formal clothes, but depending on the occasion she's unwilling to dress more casually" is confusing. Do you mean she is willing to dress less formally? If you mean she always dresses formally, without exception, you should phrase it more directly.

Next off, you should break up your biography into paragraphs.

Also, Silver Dragon Academy is in Bryan, Texas, not Detroit.

Schizophrenia is, from my research, not something that can be brought on in adults due to emotional trauma. Similarly, the entire ransom story is a bit out there, and should be either clarified and expanded upon (where did Marion's mother get the money? When was this?) or change for something else.

I also want to know more about Marion's life before that incident. What was she like then?

I'd like to hear a bit more about her school life. What are her favorite classes? Does she participate in any extracurriculars?

I find it odd that you list using attractiveness as an advantage, because nothing in Marion's profile implies that she would do so.

I also want her parental relationship making her fragile explained more fully. How would it do that?

An average physical shape, as you imply, is not a disadvantage; it is, as suggested, average.

I'd also like to see more in her bio about the jealousy she engenders.

Post when you've got Marion edited, and we'll give her another look. Thanks!
Current characters:

The Program: V3 Prologue:
Mina Mashall - Digital Voice Recorder - Making a good impression - "I didn't know you felt so strongly about me."
Erik Bell - Jericho .941 - Having lunch - "May I?"

SECOND CHANCES: V2:
Assorted flora and fauna

SOTF-TV V2:
EW4: Jewel Evans - Chatterbox Communicator Headsets (0/5) - Online - ELIMINATED - "Scars are just reminders to be better next time."

Past characters:

If you want an honest assessment of your character's storyline, feel free to PM me and I'll whip one up as soon as I am able.

Thanks to Bear/Frogue/Kotorikun for the avatar art.
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Marion Clayton · Approved Characters
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