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| Boasting Challange; Stories told over tea... | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 22 2008, 03:20 PM (396 Views) | |
| ~SaintlyTurkey~ | May 30 2009, 05:02 PM Post #11 |
Fragment
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Oho! The time I almost conquered Milwaukee eh? Now that... that is truly an epic tale. It all began when I was simply conquering all the cities in Wisconsin, as anybody does in a long boring summer. I'd crushed every other source of opposition, and I had my eyes set on Milwaukee when someone brought a letter to my Command tent. You see I was the leader of the legion of eternal suffering that summer, being the highest ranking member for punting the most puppies down the street. I was a wretched villain indeed, a robot arm with a claw, a horribly scarred face permantly covered with a metal mask, etc. Anyway, back to the letter. I was enjoying watching a blind starving man running around in a circular cage looking for the non-existent corner with his non-existent dinner in it when a battered courier came to me, tattered letter in hand. He said he was the last of his unit, sent back to me with a warning. "Leave Milwaukee in peace, and release all of your conquered territory" Of course, I scoffed at the notion. My army was unstoppable! Milwaukee had no soldiers and for some reason that I wont get into, the US army had deployed all of its troops to the bottom of the sea. They were defenceless! I even lead the charge myself with my elite doom commandos of death, each of us sporting a kill-o-matic-10,000. We were looking for the town hall, because everyone knows you have to send a unit of troops there to hoist up a flag, and then the announcer says you captured the city. Anyway, me and elite unit were stopped right outside the building by a ragtag bunch of misfits. A blonde haired pretty boy with a scar that didn't detract from his handsomeness. Just looking at him led me to believe he had a troubled past and angsted about it 24/7. Next to him was girl with purple hair and eyes. Dressed in strange clothes that seemed foreign, even though she didn't (Purpe hair and eyes aside). Next there was a typical gothic, angsty anti-hero. All gothy and angsty. Then there was the typical smart guy with thick glasses and a tucked in shirt. And finally the team mascot. Something so disgustingly cute just looking at it nearly made my wretched soul come back to life momentarily. Naturally, they were all armed with katanas. God knows where they got them, in Milwaukee of all places. Anway, the leader ran forward and yelled right at me "Showed yourself huh? You monster? Right after you killed my Father?!" I honestly couldn't remember doing this, but I'm evil so I cackled like a lunatic and rambled on about how his father begged for mercy even as I skinned him alive, etc. Of course, he didn't like it, so he yelled in some pre-pubescent voice: "CHAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGE!" Even though my doom commandos were equiped with guns, they were still cut down mercilessly by the whiny band of cretins, leaving me standing there surrounded by bodies and some stupid heroes. I started laughing, and pulled out my Evil Overlord Mega Sword DeluxeTM. I cut them all down in a bloody swathe, and as they lay there twitching on the ground, I picked up the leader by his neck and started gloating. Because I'm evil. They all had tears in their eyes, and suddenly their Leader started talking" "I summon the power of Friendship!" I laughed, but I soon stopped as their leader started to glow with a bright light. "Impossible!" I yelled, as he was forcing himself to the ground. He picked up his katana, and ran me through with it. "That was for my father!" I fell to the ground, dieing as they slowly walked away, leaving me there. I was as still as a corpse, and when I was sure they were gone, I twitched my hand to get a sequel hook in. Anyway, enough about my defeat at the hands of a stereotypical bunch of morons. Tell me about the time you saved the 347th dimension from a swarm of door handle eating lemons. |
| "Dont judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? You're a mile away and you have his shoes." - Billy Connelly | |
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| ~a young cunning fox~ | May 31 2009, 09:44 PM Post #12 |
Phantasmagoria
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oh that was was the night it was. It's not easy killing door handle eating lemons. I had just gotten home from a bike ride with my friends. It was foggy that night in insert town name here(i don't want to reveal the town name) It was about 9:00 p.m. I went to open the back door when the handle was gone, and then it hit me. My lemon experiments got into the nuclear waste, and grew a taste for door handle. Now you see i was doing research on how to make lemon pills. That way those who are Allergic to citrus fruit, and love the sea would not get scurvy. I was also working on a mech design ever since i had gotten funding from bill gates, when i helped him wipe out all Mac hard drives. The energy source fore the mechs sadly enough though was nuclear thus i had a waste problem. Any way. I bashed in the door once i saw there was no door handle, and went down to my lab, and boom the lemons were gone, and the nuclear waste was absorbed. I then noticed that the window was broken,and there was a pool of lemon juice so hopefully they hadn't gotten far. I smashed out the rest of the window, and climbed out. I then followed the lemon juice trail all the way over to a door museum. The front door handle was gone... I went inside, and saw they had broken the prototype dimension door. I jumped through, and saw a sign that said 347th dimension. The dimension was a world full of just what i needed....milk. You see milk will curdle instantly when touch by a lemon, but the lemon also dies from the curdles. So i grabbed a few cups of milk, and followed the lemons to a cave, where i showered them with great liquid calcium. I then returned home, and watched CSI.... But enough about me my friend. Tell again how you manged to kill an army of vampires... |
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| +transcon+ | May 31 2009, 11:51 PM Post #13 |
Metroid Specialist
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Oh, goodness. You heard about that? No one was supposed to know. I mean, the fact that vampires move in secrecy and all, no one was supposed to be aware of their existence since it would lead to their downfall. However, since you heard a rumor of the story, I supposed I should lay it all down for you. Back in the winter of 2002, I was still young and spry, despite still being underweight for being six-foot-two tall. I was starting to emotionally recover from going through a rough time at the turn of the century, and I was able to finally move on with my life. I guess one could say that I was on the prowl, but merely passively. That was the way I was as I didn't want to seem like "The Typical Male" of the species. But, there was one instance that I just couldn't resist. It happened at a night club in downtown Portland, Oregon where I met this woman who was very cute and petite like a very pretty doll. She wore a pink strapless dress that came down to mid-thigh. It went well with the light makeup that she wore and the bob-cut blond hair framing her porcelain face. I'm not one to dance; in fact, I hate dancing. But, there she was seemingly out of place wearing bright colors amongst a crowd of industrial goths and punk rockers having a night on the dance floor. Yet, there she was tearing it up and keeping up with the rhythm of the fast paces spun by the DJ. Then, it was like a dream. I could have sworn she looked right at me while shaking it out there on the floor. It was like we made eye contact for but a split second. However it happened, I felt compelled to meet her out there. Almost hypnotically, when I crossed the edge of the dance floor, my body started to move all by itself. Within moments, I found myself in front of her. How simply embarrassed I was! After the song was over, she led me over to her table. There was a small glass of wine in front of her, but it was empty. As she pouted at it, she looked up at me with those baby blue eyes of hers and explained that she normally didn't do this kind of thing. I knew from the start that I was way out of my league. I couldn't imagine for a second why this beauty would want to waste her time with me, yet there she was. Well, one thing led to another and we were walking outside in the frigid January night air. We'd seen each other for about four months like this, and every meeting with her ended in total bliss. Of course, ever day going to work I felt more and more tired as if I wasn't getting enough sleep. Finally, one day I tried calling her, and could only leave a voice message. Later that day when night fell, she did return my call. She sounded as excited as I was to speak together. Well, I wanted to ask her out on a date up in Forest Park where we could have a picnic. She gently refused, but with a heavy sigh, she insisted that we meet up later that evening. From the sounds of it, it was very important. As I hung up, it sounded like she was on the edge of crying. Now, I don't know what I could've done to hurt her, but I was going to find out. I was floored that night when she admitted to what she really was. She was a vampire. At first, I didn't believe it. She explained that I was only going to be "dinner" that first night we met. But, I guess, things progressed further than she planned. Of course, amongst her kind, this sort of thing was forbidden. Another one of her "colleagues" heard a rumor and pressed her for information, according to her. Of course, after her proving what she was to me, I had to take her word at face value. This vampire guy was coming for me. Garlic, crosses, running water.... all of these things were myth, she pointed out. However, in the event someone did find out about vampires, it was good to not mention those things as it was convenient for them to believe the lies. And, of course, stakes would kill a vampire just as they would kill anything else. Sunlight and fire was the real truth behind thwarting a vampire. This was why she declined the trip to the park, and prompted her to reveal herself to me before I was hurt. (A little too late, now.) Well, one morning as I was on my way to drive the school bus, it was still dark out, and I was ambushed on the freeway. There was the guy as she described right behind me. Apparently, after rear ending me, the plan was to get me on the side of the road and do the deed right there. Instead, I kept driving. The sun broke horizon, and soon the car behind me was gone. That night, two strangers were at my door. Prepared, I had a metal rod wrapped in an old t-shirt. Before I opened the door, I lit it on fire and waved the incendiary weapon at them. They took off defeated. I knew, and they knew that I knew, what they were by now. I was sure of it. There were a few nights of respite, but on my night off, they cornered me on the way to a live action role playing session in Vancouver. I thought it strange that there was no traffic on the Glen Jackson bridge that lead from Portland to Vancouver, Washington. At the end of the bridge, there was a roadblock made of various cars. Well, since I was in a $500 car, I gunned it for my life. I plowed through the roadblock, but the front end to my AMC Concord was toast. In a few minutes, the engine overheated and left me on the shoulder of the road. It was like I stepped into the Twilight Zone. No one was around. No traffic. No help. I was on my own. I took my shirt off (like every hero does in these things, right?) and poked a hole in the fuel tank of my car. I then grabbed the tire iron out of the back and wrapped the shirt around it, soaked it in gasoline, and waited while smoking a cigarette amongst all the fuel fumes. (Here they come) A convoy of cars approached rapidly. One looked like it was going to ram my car, so I started running as fast as I could, pausing only yards away to light the torch. Touching it to the ground where the fuel ran, it lead all the way back to my poor car to die and take a few other cars with it. Five other cars approached and skidded to a halt. They all took out guns and opened fire. Luckily for me, they were either a bad shot, or I had good cover in the bushes and trees on the embankment by the side of the freeway. Granted, the fire from my car (and the two others that hit it) kept them back a distance, but it worked to buy me some time. Man, my heart was pounding. I've fantasized about vampires as I play those kinds of characters, but this was ridiculous! About fifteen vampires were closing distance fast. With my torch lit, I was easy to find. So, I started using it on the grass, shrubs, and whatever else I could find. Eventually, they were encircled in a fiery ring. Granted, I did take a bullet in the leg, and I am sure that the scent of blood drove them crazy. But all in all, they were trapped. Running back to the parked cars, I stuffed a rag down one of the fuel fillers and lit it. Then, I aimed the car at the circle of fire, and jammed a stick in the throttle. Dropping it into Drive, the car took off. It crashed on a tree trunk in the fire circle containing the vampires. Boom. Yeah. The explosion caught them on fire, and eventually they were no more. There was no whisper about this on the news, and no word about this ever happening. There was just a smoldering pile of Geo Metro on the side of the road where the circle of fire was. You were never meant to hear about this. Well, the girl I fell in love with, was gone. She left me a note on my apartment door that I found when I got back home. It read: "I'm terribly sorry for everything I put you through. I love you dearly for protecting what we have so much. But, I cannot bear the thought of you being threatened at every turn. If I don't go, there will be more. There's always more. Please forgive me. Love, Jasmine Smithe of Dunwick, Anglia" Dunwick, Anglia, after doing some research, was a town in southern England in what was once known as Anglia in the 7th Century. It was a town that was lost from coastal erosion. Well.... that wasn't the only thing that eroded that night. Tell not a soul any further than here about what happened. I don't want any trouble befalling her, or me. But, to be fair, speaking of rumors, I heard there was a discovery of an ancient technology recently. Care to tell us about it? |
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| ~The Boss~ | Jun 15 2009, 08:26 PM Post #14 |
...till Gabriel blows his horn.
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It wasn't just any ancient technology... it was the very formula for Greek Fire itself. The most feared weapon in antiquity. It was discovered in an old urn along with a bunch of other ancient scrolls on some little island in the Aegean, and was on display at the National Gallery for the month of May. And we were gonna steal it. I was the wheelman. My job was to keep the van parked around the corner, and then exactly at 1:20 am start the engine and drive around to the back of the museum. Johan, Taylor, and Frank the alarm guy would then all jump out a second floor window onto the roof, then climb into the back of the van and we'd speed off. We'd ditch the van in a parking garage where I had another vehicle waiting. I knew something was wrong when they were late. Johan, the ringleader, said that they'd be coming out the window at exactly 1:30. Given how obsessive he was about precision, That was a bad sign. Then the rear service door of the museum flew open and Taylor came running out screaming "Abort! Abort!" She jumped into the passenger seat and yelled at me to go, and I floored it out of there. I asked her what happened, thinking the cops had come even though I didn't hear any alarms or sires. Taylor said that after they got the goods, Johan shot Frank in the head and was gonna shoot her, but she tackled him to the ground and ran. She said Frank chased her through the museum, but then she whacked him in the head with a statue. She didn't know if he was alive or dead, she just got the hell out of there. Did you at least get the goods, I asked her. Yeah, she said, and showed me the scroll. We went hid out at a friend's apartment and spent the night there, neither of us wanting to go back to the hideout for fear that it would be the first place Johan would look. When she was gone the next morning, I figured she'd played me, and she was about to turn on me since that's how these sorts of things always go in the movies. Then about twenty minutes later she came back with some Egg McMuffins in tow, and I stopped being paranoid. Later that day, the news talked about the robbery and mentioned that one dead guy was found in the museum. That would be Frank. No sign of Johan. We went our separate ways after that, but laid low for a while, not wanting to draw attention to ourselves. Then about six months later I got a call from Taylor. She finally moved the scroll with the Greek Fire formula, and wanted me to come to Miami to get my share. I did, and it was a hell of a share indeed. She was tight lipped about who she sold it to, although I did see an airport tag from Athens on her bag. After that, we parted ways again. I didn't see or hear from Taylor for another three years... when Johan finally found us. But that's a story for another time. Somebody told me you got kidnapped in the Congo. |
 If Mama Cass had just given that ham sandwich to Karen Carpenter, they'd both still be alive today. | |
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| ~Fatalis Maximus~ | Jun 15 2009, 09:27 PM Post #15 |
Beware the Berserkergang...
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Oh damn. No one was supposed to hear about that. Well, it goes like this. Me and my buddies, Elvis Presley (he faked his death so he could hang out with me... true story) and Harrison Ford (who was dressed as Indiana Jones... and quite drunk) were scouting through the Congo, looking for traces of ancient life there, from which to learn. Elvis didn't help out much with that, he just provided the background music. After all, everything is better with background music, innit? Anyways, there we were, cuttin' down branches and shrubs to make our way through, when Harrison fell through a leaf-covered hole, pulling us all in with his drunken antics, ranting about some "Crystal Skull Holy Ark of Doom" or something like that. Well, we were all stuck in that pit for a good two days or so. The walls were so tall and slick we couldn't dig or climb our way out, either. Eventually, the Pygmies came for us, shoutin' in their tribal languages and prodding us with spears. They lifted us out of the hole and bound us to sticks, carrying us like rotisserie chickens all the way back to their camp. Once we got there, though, they cut us loose - and started bowing down to us! They made me their Pygmy King, Elvis their Rock-N-Roll Pygmy King, and, well, they just shoved Harrison Ford in a box and sent him back to the US. He got so inspired by the encounter he plans to be part of another Indiana Jones story, I've heard. I hope he doesn't. So, there was me and Elvis, Kings of the Pygmy tribe, when I hear a rumbling noise. I looked behind me from my throne (crafted from bamboo and bones... it was actually quite comfortable) and was shocked to see an active volcano that I hadn't noticed on my way in. The Pygmies were frenzied, shouting "Sacrifice! Sacrifice! Sacrifice!" as they jumped on top of us, bound us in the thrones, and began to carry us up the mountain to the open pit of lava. The heat was practically unbearable for me when we reached the top. The Pygmy clan just kept shouting "Sacrifice!" over and over for a good minute or so before going up to Elvis' throne and violently pushing it off the edge. His last words were "A HUNK A HUNK OF BURNING LOVE!!~~" before he plunged into the lava. Then, they came to my throne, and gripped my chair, pushing it off the edge for what seemed like an eternity. With a deep breath, I closed my eyes, ready for judgement, until--! To my surprise, there was no impact with the lava, only moving air. I looked up, and to my amazement, Toucan Sam had come to rescue me! It turned out that he was taking a break from shooting Fruit Loops commercials and had heard the commotion. It was just a shame he couldn't get to Elvis in time. Well, he set me down on solid ground, and gave me directions to the nearest airport to get the hell out of the Congo. I shook his hand, promised to buy a box of his product once I returned, and set off. It would take me a year to get back... but that is a story for some other time. Now, what's this I've been hearing about you doing something... oh what was it? Oh yeah! Tell me about the time you saved the land of Cakgurgfap from the Land Pirates from the land of Not-Sea during the year of the Dark Tangerine! |
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"Hmph. I don't even need this rusty sword to kill you." - GSD | |
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9:50 PM Dec 7
