Character Fix-Up Thread

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Character Fix-Up Thread; Back to the Drawing Board...
Topic Started: Mar 19 2008, 09:28 PM (423 Views)
~Lt. Jessie~	Mar 19 2008, 09:28 PM Post #1
Silent Sniper Huntress Posts: 2,288 Group: Moderators Member #6 Joined: Jan 8, 2008	This thread is used solely for fixing characters that seem to have some troubles with development, or even starting out with after setting them in a story. Unlike the Application Review thread, this is for already existing characters in profiles. It is also used for refinements before throwing them into a story after being posted in a profile. Feel free to give CONSTRUCTIVE COMMENTS ONLY. Anything else will result in deletion of post, as well as a raise in the warning level. Moderators will heavily check this thread.
	Join the Black Phoenix as she and the other Knights of Light prepare for the War of the Fomors and Dark Knights


~Qualanx~	Mar 19 2008, 09:37 PM Post #2
The Ignored Posts: 465 Group: Roleplayer Member #7 Joined: Jan 8, 2008	The first character to receive repairs: Al'An Ol'Tai. He needs something to make him more interesting. Right now he's but a featureless, rigid soldier. Although a genetic defect of his prevents him from feeling love or attraction... That's probably not very major at all anyways... I also want to fix up his history. Wait. Not just fix up. Overhaul. Full name: Al'An Ol'Tai Current Occupation: "Harbinger of Victory" in the Wen military, and Squad Leader of Omega Squadron in the federation. Species: Wen Sex: Male Age: Unable to determine from physical appearance, but mental age has been determined at 95 earth years. Height: 8"5 Weight (unarmored): 190 lbs (Keep in mind that he is quite tall.) Weight (armored): 372 lbs Skin color: pale gold. Eye Color: His eyes are speculated to be grey, though he has not once removed the disk covering his face. Hair color (if applicable): Translucent silver shoulder length spines. Weapons used: One full length Meteor Hammer with a holographic cable, Wennesh holographic blaster arm, ring blade. Skills: Repairing some weaponry as well as some ship parts, "mapping" his emotions on his physical body. This skill is like a human making facial expressions, only the Wen using this skill will change physically to a slight extent when this ability is used. For example, an enraged Wen almost has a demonic look to them. Personality: Usually calm, bordering on emotionless. Eerily calm. No matter where he is. Be it in a public restroom, a ship currently undergoing a self-destruct sequence, or any other fairly unpleasant place. He really only has 3 levels of anger; Annoyance, rage, and acrimony. However he is only annoyed most of the time (thankfully) as he becomes beastlike when angered. Due to an error in his genes, he is unable to feel love. Accessories (Extra Hardware and Gadgetry): Semi-holographic Wennesh battle armor, disklike "mask" covering the front part of his helmet which allows him to see in many spectrums, and a cape that seems to respond to electric currents much like muscles do. Character history: Al'An was what you could call unpleasant as a child. Even though he was incredibly smart and appeared to be able to use a strange mental power of his to levitate, he was unhappy with all around him, and himself. For years he was the quiet child who sat in the corner, never speaking, with no friends. When called upon by an educator he spoke so quietly he oftentimes needed to get up and whisper in the ear of whoever was at the front teaching. As a teenager he became more unpleasant. The friends he had gained began to find love interests, hobbies, and jobs. Al'An only found a job. Nothing interested him as an adolescent. He believed finding a mate was completely and utterly worthless. Shortly after stating this to his friends, he was once again a loner. He continued his education until the Wen homeworld of Xakal was attacked by a shadowy force that wasn't quite in orbit around the planet, yet then again it almost was. Almost like a shadow of a ship. These would eventually be known as the Twil, who happen to be a species of xenophobes of the highest degree. This attack was fended off easily and the shadowy attackers slunk off to wherever, never to return. Shortly after that, an unknown event spurred a war between the Wen and the Chozo. Al'An was a soldier in this war. Not only was he one of the many who had defended Kabal'Tar from the Elysian auxillaries, but he was by far the one who did the best at it. Al'An remained in the military, even though his parents attempted to get him out and back into academics. Al'An retained his knowledge incredibly well, but refuses to share it with any individual of almost any other species. He continued in the Wennesh military until the second Chozo assault, in which most of the northern continent was seared. Al'An, along with several other units in his squadron, almost singlehandedly wiped out the Elysian auxillaries who were attempting a second attack on Kabal'Tar. The day after the Elysians were fought off, the Chozo advanced on the city and most of it was lost. Al'An, however, refused to let the greatest city on Xakal fall to these beaked entities. In an act of utter foolishness (which was then renowned as bravery) Al'An singlehandedly destroyed the assault force by detonating a plasma core in the midst of the city. Much of the rest of the district was torched, and Al'An was the only survivor of the attack. And he barely survived. He managed to hide in a bunker just as the wave of plasma swept where he was just miliseconds before, and he was safe. His armor protected him from most of the heat but he did suffer some burns, mainly to his arms and legs. He was rewarded for this "Act of immense bravery" by being promoted to the rank of Solar Knight, one of the highest ranks a soldier could attain. Shortly after this promotion he was sent out of the system to fend off another attack on another Wen-colonized world. The attackers would later be identified as the Shovans, mechanical entities from Shovah Prime, which happens to be a spherical planet-sized chunk of an unknown material that sits in a cavernous hole in a Dyson Sphere. The Shovans were nearly annihilated in the assault, and only three were reported to have escaped alive. Two of those three were then found and terminated by Al'An himself. More time passed, and when Al'An was in his 60's (still young for a Wen) he was promoted to the rank "Fist of the Sun", which was tailored directly for him. He was given the access codes to many weapons of mass destruction constructed by the Wen. These would come in handy, as the massive amount of outer colonies of the Wen were then assaulted by more shadowy beings. These ones were massive. They were 3 times as tall as Al'An, making them at least 24". They had enginelike heads, with four horns. Two were located on the "temples" and swept backwards, two others were closer to the back and went straight down. These attackers had fairly long arms and legs and small bodies, and seemed to have evolved into weapons. The eye in the center of their head would fire some sort of energy, and the only way to kill them involved the power of light itself. The Wen, however, did not know this, and lost countless worlds to these strange behemoths. Eventually, a radio transmission was sent from an unknown location and received by the Wennesh military. It was incredibly complex, likely created by a highy advanced artificial intelligence. The transmission made refrence to the "Luminoth", and how they may have something that could help the Wen in their current situation. The Wen had no idea what a Luminoth was at the time, and were out of luck. The strange attackers got closer and closer to Xakal, when out of nowhere, in the battle of LB-22, a strange entity that appeared to have a star in it's head simply walked out of a rock formation with symbols on it and singlehandedly laid waste to the attackers with beams of bright, searing energy. This was the first (but definately not last) time Al'An had seen the power of a long-gone race, the Gelm. The entity that laid waste to the giants then took Al'An on a journey of some kind, and relayed information on what was happening to the Wennesh military. Al'An fought hundreds of battles against all kinds of hellish beings, ranging from odd creatures who used nothing but organic technology, to the same beings that attacked Xakal 40 years prior. Xakal was once again attacked by creatures from other galaxies. This time, more giants. Tall, spindly metal titans, calling themselves the Metakon. They arrived in search of metal deposits to use as food, and other various materials that could be used for fuel. Xakal happened to have many cities at this time, made mainly out of metal. The Metakon struck and disassembled most of the cities, taking the metals to use as nourishment at a later time. However, the superadvanced entity with the star in it's head (whose purpose and tiny star still confuse Al'An to this day) returned Al'An to Xakal to protect his species from attack. Of course, the Wen had already started a war with the Metakon. And they were losing. The Metakon cell was not hewn from Carbon as the Wen's cells were. They were pure iron. The Metakon were the first reported sighting of a life form with a biochemistry of an element heavier than silicon. The Metakon were sentient, as well. Much fighting ensued, and as Al'An celebrated his 89th anniversary of birth, an immense surge of luck struck the Wen. The Starhead entity returned and gave Al'An a strange piece of technology that the Starhead entity believed would turn the tides of the war. It did. This weapon destroyed nearly everything the discharged burst of energy touched. The Metakon were then removed from Xakal with force, and in a sense, booted away. Since then, Xakal has become somewhat of a weapon in itself, due to repeated assault and invasion attempts. Al'An had helped out with so many conflicts that he was awarded a rank that made him the single most respected being in Xakal's star cluster. He became the Harbinger of Victory. The highest ranking that had ever been created. Only three other Wen in recent history were given this rank. Shortly after this, in his 94th year, he travelled immense distances and discovered the Galactic Federation, who, immediately after being interrogated about his military past, was made the new leader of the Omega Squadron. Think of the Omega Squadron as the people who are called in when everything else has failed, due to the immense strength of the enemy. The Omega Squadron also works somewhat like a non-corrupt secret police group, investigating the most horriffic events and tracking down the most dangerous individuals.
	Takeoff.


~Lt. Jessie~	Mar 19 2008, 09:55 PM Post #3
Silent Sniper Huntress Posts: 2,288 Group: Moderators Member #6 Joined: Jan 8, 2008	Let's take this a step at a time, because there are too many things to pick at right now. So, let's start with these two. First off, why the whole Chozo/Luminoth thing? We try to stay away from that as much as possible, save for a few choice characters who have a reason to have access to such technologies. The whole 'access to weapons of mass destruction' also has to go unless there is a VERY good reason. It's just illogical for someone to have complete access without some sort of moderation. Second, the cool, calm, and collected thing has to do. Even my characters, who seem to be that way, have some sort of weakness. It may not seem much, but it makes them more reasonable and realistic. Have you ever though of what it might be like to be in your character's shoes, especially one who is always 'Mr. Cool Guy'? I am sure the person would get tired of it eventually, especially when it comes to the whole cliched thing. Let's fix these two before we move on.
	Join the Black Phoenix as she and the other Knights of Light prepare for the War of the Fomors and Dark Knights


~The Boss~	Mar 20 2008, 03:24 PM Post #4
Everbody funny... now you funny too. Posts: 1,547 Group: Moderators Member #29 Joined: Jan 10, 2008	On the subject of what CEMP referred to as the Three C's (cool, calm, and collected), there is an apparent contradiction in your bio in regards to this personality trait. While you described him as such a character, later in that same paragraph you talk about his three levels of anger and his beast-like rage. These are not the hallmarks of a Three C's character. Someone whose defining attributes are cool, calm and collected will remain such even when they are angered or provoked to violence. They don't fly into a rage. Rather, they strike back methodically, with the same cool that defines them. Think Jason Bourne as opposed to Wolverine. If you think about it, that's the whole idea behind being the cool guy to begin with, that you don't succumb to the same base anger that others do. What defines those types of characters is their ability to rise above even the worst situations and keep their wits about them (they may be prone to existential freakouts, but that's a different conversation). I would address this contradiction, as well as the suggestions that Jessie made. Also, I have to say that I'm not a big fan of this whole "genetic defect prevents him from feeling love" thing. It seems really random and quite honestly doesn't serve the character very much at all.
	If Mama Cass had just given that ham sandwich to Karen Carpenter, they'd both still be alive today.


~DarkKnightCuron~	Mar 20 2008, 04:41 PM Post #5
Ginyu Force Reject; Nazi Teddy Bear Commodore Posts: 581 Group: Roleplayer Member #13 Joined: Jan 8, 2008	8'5" at 190 lbs? Thats so unrealistic. You want your character to be like a twig, literally? His waist size would be 28" or skeletal. Period. It breaks all reasonable logic, no matter what race it is. With 95 years of mental age, he would be a lot more proficient than "Repairing some weaponry as well as some ship parts." If nothing else, he'd be a very proficient mechanic, if that's his main focus. Yeah, ditch the whole emotion thing you've got going for him. First off, its unrealistic, as only androids and robots are able to achieve that level of "inemotion". Not able to feel love? Sucks to be him. "Even though he was incredibly smart and appeared to be able to use a strange mental power of his to levitate, he was unhappy with all around him, and himself. " This just reinforces the fact that he'd be a very proficient mechanic. Also, just because he's unhappy with himself, doesn't mean he's emotion-less. If nothing else, he's probably just over-critical of himself. "Al'An singlehandedly destroyed the assault force by detonating a plasma core in the midst of the city. Much of the rest of the district was torched, and Al'An was the only survivor of the attack. And he barely survived. He managed to hide in a bunker just as the wave of plasma swept where he was just miliseconds before, and he was safe. His armor protected him from most of the heat but he did suffer some burns, mainly to his arms and legs." Trust me. Even a reinforced bunker won't be able to handle a nuclear explosion that destroyed the very city said bunker was in. I might be underestimating the difference in technology, but I'm skeptical. While your history is by no means short, but I think its a bit extensive. To be brutally honest, it kinda put me to sleep. He's clearly seen and done things no average human has done, but I'm a little concerned that you're beating a dead horse by paragraph 4 or 5. Long history does not a great history make.



~Qualanx~	Mar 20 2008, 05:57 PM Post #6
The Ignored Posts: 465 Group: Roleplayer Member #7 Joined: Jan 8, 2008	This is extremely helpful. Also I have completed repairs on Al'An. Full name: Al'An Ol'Tai Current Occupation: Wennesh soldier, captain of the Omega Squadron of the Federation. Species: Wen Sex: Male Age: Unable to determine from physical appearance, but mental age has been determined at 95 earth years. Height: 8"5 Weight (unarmored): 374 lbs Weight (armored): 418 lbs Skin color: pale gold. Eye Color: His eyes are speculated to be grey, though he has not once removed the disk covering his face. Hair color (if applicable): Translucent silver shoulder length spines. Weapons used: One full length Meteor Hammer with holographic cable, Wennesh Beam Rifle, holographic arm-mounted weaponry of Al'An's own design. Skills: Telekinetic flight (although it is rarely used and he relies more on a jump-pack), extensive mechanical repair, inventing advanced pieces of machinery. Were his ship to be heavily damaged, he could repair it. Or at least get it spaceworthy again, even if it was still too weak for combat. Personality: Usually calm, shows faint traces of emotions. Even when angered remains somewhat calm. Rarely (if ever) panics. Over-critical. Accessories (Extra Hardware and Gadgetry): Semi-holographic Wennesh battle armor, disklike "mask" covering the front part of his helmet which allows him to see in many spectrums, and a cape that seems to respond to electric currents much like muscles do. Character history: After succeeding in school, Al'An chose to join the military. Well actually it wasn't that much of a choice. He got drafted due to what was perceived as an imminent threat at the time. And it was a threat. At the time, Al'An was only 32, still fairly young for a Wen. What exactly was causing this mass drafting of every able-bodied and combat-ready male and female was unknown for about 10 years. Most of Al'An's time in the military was actually spent idling, waiting for the threat to appear so they could stop it. Without warning the ship attacked Xakal, and the city of Kabal'Tar was struck with a large pillar. Out of this pillar swarmed thousands of creatures different from any the Wen had ever seen. Another thing that set them apart was their slight aversion to bright light. Al'An was present at the battle of Kabal'Tar, and was part of the unlucky group created to storm the pillar. Even though the group was at least 100 soldiers strong, there was a feeling of dread hanging amongst nearly all of them, save for Al'An. Al'An had a feeling they could pull off this attack and possibly destroy the pillar. When the order was given, the raid force was sent into the tower. Nothing could've gone smoother. The force stormed the Pillar, and eventually reached the target destination. It turns out they were carrying a bomb that would stop the brainwaves of any and all lifeforms in a set radius, sentient or otherwise. However, shortly after the bomb was planted, things started to go wrong. A large force of the shadowy creatures was dispatched to destroy the raiding Wen. Al'An then saw their enemy up close. They were streamlined in appearance, with pitted purple-black skin. They had but a single yellow eye on a head that blended into the neck perfectly. They had two sets of pincers and a thumb on each hand, and their legs simply tapered to points. One of the more vicious looking critters then proceeded to kill the commander. In fact, at least half the force was slain. Panic rose among the raiders, and Al'An decided to take this chance to act. They made it out and escaped from Kabal'Tar. After exiting the bomb's radius, it was detonated. Everything still within Kabal'Tar died without so much a scream. Their brains just simply shut down. However, the pillar still stood in the center of Kabal'Tar. The city was abandoned. Al'An was 45 at the time of this attack. After 20 more years of fighting these shadowy creatures, and 7 years of travel, Al'An arrived in Federation space with others seeking safety away from Xakal. After learning of Al'An's brave actions, he was appointed the leader of the newly created Omega Squadron. Tell me if he needs some more tweaking. I may have left stuff out of his history so that I can keep it short. I realise that it's STILL long though... Edited by Qualanx, Mar 20 2008, 07:03 PM.
	Takeoff.


~Lt. Jessie~	Mar 20 2008, 07:27 PM Post #7
Silent Sniper Huntress Posts: 2,288 Group: Moderators Member #6 Joined: Jan 8, 2008	History still need a little more hammering out (Put it this way, I see a very rough sword that still needs more work and polishing), but so far, it looks more promising than the last one. Remember, you don't want too much that you can't build on it in later RPs or too little that you can't base it off anything. The readers don't need to know the super minute details, but at least enough so that they know who they are dealing with (Unless it is absolutely crucial to the plot, in which you would point that out in the story, along with a small reference of it in the profile). And for some reason, the part about the war is poking my feathers... I don't know why, perhaps how it is presented, but it is bothering me somehow... The sense of being overpowered is gone, which is really good and a bit easier to work with, especially towards newer role players, and you changed his weight factor, which makes it more believable for a hulking mass than a twig. I'll let the others post what they think about this before other fixes should be done.
	Join the Black Phoenix as she and the other Knights of Light prepare for the War of the Fomors and Dark Knights


~Qualanx~	Mar 20 2008, 07:34 PM Post #8
The Ignored Posts: 465 Group: Roleplayer Member #7 Joined: Jan 8, 2008	Alright. I'm glad I could make it better. He's actually not that much of a hulking mass; just a large, fairly buff humanoid. He's not like bodybuilder buff though. Soldier-buff.
	Takeoff.


~Lt. Jessie~	Mar 21 2008, 01:25 AM Post #9
Silent Sniper Huntress Posts: 2,288 Group: Moderators Member #6 Joined: Jan 8, 2008	Well, even 'soldier-buff' as you call it has it's varying degrees. With the weight you put there, I'm thinking something along the lines of bulldog strength. You know, thick neck, brutish sort of fellow? Then again, his race could have a factor in it... Hehe... Ok, so blame F-Zero for my interest in 'beefy' men... XD;;;;;;;
	Join the Black Phoenix as she and the other Knights of Light prepare for the War of the Fomors and Dark Knights


~DarkKnightCuron~	Mar 21 2008, 03:39 AM Post #10
Ginyu Force Reject; Nazi Teddy Bear Commodore Posts: 581 Group: Roleplayer Member #13 Joined: Jan 8, 2008	Unless you're assuming he's been in the Federation since he was 72, you're still missing about 23 years of his background. Glad to see you made his physical appearance (weight) a bit more believeable... As for the history, some things don't add up. While the pillar was probably viewed as the enemy's base of operations, why would they leave it undefended until the bomb was planted? And if striking this target was so crucial, why did he continue to fight against this threat for so much longer afterwards? I would have to agree that the whole war thing might need some tweaking.
	Marching to the Black Gates...


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