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A short story I wrote for a creative writing task
Topic Started: Jan 9 2009, 05:54 PM (267 Views)
Inferno Gengar XIII
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The things I had to include were wood, fish and containment. I'll put each paragraph in spoiler tags so you don't accidentally read ahead, or you can just read the ending (my favourite part).



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Yeah, it's a bit wordy, but I still rather liked the ending.
Carry me to the shoreline
Bury me in the sand
Walk me across the water
And maybe you'll understand

Once the stone you're crawling under
Is lifted off your shoulders
Once the cloud that's raining over your head
Disappears, the noise that you'll hear
Is the crashing down of hollow years
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=)
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'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside
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Interesting story.. I quite like it. =D


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True Breed
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No real attention grabber at the beginning already tells me you'll be missing some points. Diving directly into stories is for very powerful, action stories that go into the action IMMEDIATELY, which is a great way to start a story.

Edit: From what I've read, you have a very dull style of writing. It's boring so far-- I doubt I'll actually read the entire thing.
Edited by True Breed, Jan 9 2009, 06:11 PM.
Connor
 
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Inferno Gengar XIII
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Vicarious
Jan 9 2009, 06:10 PM
From what I've read, you have a very dull style of writing.
Pretty much, lol. I can manipulate the English Language much better when speaking aloud, as opposed to writing, for some reason.

Thanks for the criticism, though you can probably find more to criticise in the rest of it, so I suggest you read it. Surely you want to practice criticism on someone who won't "run" (I can't literally run on the internet. Not like George in Bonkenhi's story, lol) off crying like a baby if you tell them it fucking sucks. Who doesn't want to tell people that sometimes?
Carry me to the shoreline
Bury me in the sand
Walk me across the water
And maybe you'll understand

Once the stone you're crawling under
Is lifted off your shoulders
Once the cloud that's raining over your head
Disappears, the noise that you'll hear
Is the crashing down of hollow years
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mikami
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Hmm.

I'm going to be honest. It lacked two vital things.

Severe lack of description.
Lack of dialogue.

It's very difficult to write a good quality story without either or both of these key writing skills. It ended up being rather a list of events than a story. It lacked flow and charm.

Did you have a word limit?
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True Breed
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Inferno Gengar XIII
Jan 9 2009, 06:19 PM
Vicarious
Jan 9 2009, 06:10 PM
From what I've read, you have a very dull style of writing.
Pretty much, lol. I can manipulate the English Language much better when speaking aloud, as opposed to writing, for some reason.

Thanks for the criticism, though you can probably find more to criticise in the rest of it, so I suggest you read it. Surely you want to practice criticism on someone who won't "run" (I can't literally run on the internet. Not like George in Bonkenhi's story, lol) off crying like a baby if you tell them it fucking sucks. Who doesn't want to tell people that sometimes?
Well, it's not about manipulating the English language as much as really getting into a story. People call it "voice," but I just like to think of it as actual life in the words. Some humor, dark as it may be.

Read A Series of Unfortunate Events. It seems that you have a sort of gloomy style, but he makes the gloom sometimes inane. Amazing.
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BasiltheDragon
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Colin > You

Jonny basically stole what I was going to say.
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Inferno Gengar XIII
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enigma
Jan 9 2009, 06:24 PM
Hmm.

I'm going to be honest. It lacked two vital things.

Severe lack of description.
Lack of dialogue.

It's very difficult to write a good quality story without either or both of these key writing skills. It ended up being rather a list of events than a story. It lacked flow and charm.

Did you have a word limit?
I didn't have a word limit, but I had a time limit. I didn't want to make the characters talk unless it was reported speech. Also, the lack of description was intentional as I'm a lazy bastard.

@Vicarious: I've read A Series of Unfortunate Events, yes, they are very good novels.

Thanks guys for the criticism, lol. I won't be doing much creative writing, as my work will take up a lot of time, and the rest will be filled with video games.

Well, I might do some creative writing, but it will probably only be a bit less crap then this piece of crap, which was only written to fulfill the necessary requirements set by my sister, which it passed. There wasn't much required, lol.

I should have improved the detail most on the deaths at the end! :P
Carry me to the shoreline
Bury me in the sand
Walk me across the water
And maybe you'll understand

Once the stone you're crawling under
Is lifted off your shoulders
Once the cloud that's raining over your head
Disappears, the noise that you'll hear
Is the crashing down of hollow years
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Mrs. Kitty
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If you want to write a good story, you have to:

1. Actually believe it.
2. Surround yourself with it
3. Stop thinking.
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Leanne
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Seems cool.
Just read the end.
:P
But yeah.
Sounded cool.
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True Breed
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Mrs. Kitty
Jan 10 2009, 07:26 AM
If you want to write a good story, you have to:

1. Actually believe it.
2. Surround yourself with it
3. Stop thinking.
Or...

Write about a Jonny, Tim, Javier, and Brian orgy. Promised bestseller.
Connor
 
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