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Chaos Magnet~ Part 5 Up.
Topic Started: Jan 6 2009, 03:16 PM (1,040 Views)
Bonkenhi
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I HAVE FURY!!!
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~Just felt a spark or two of inspiration. So now you'll all have to put up with my attempt at something creative. Yay.~

PART THE FIRST

Saturday... 4am. The quiet ticking of that cheap clock on the mantelpiece, and the almost silent hum of the computer, with the occasional typing sound and a click or two was the only sound to be heard. The light in the other room was on, and the light of the monitor lit the room George was in. A few more ticks of that clock, His tired eyes flicking to the corner with the time... 4:30am. He snapped out of his endless waiting, and got up from his chair.

He walked up half of the stairs, when a buzzing noise was made from the PC downstairs. It wasn't loud enough to wake his family in the room above, but it alarmed George all the same. He waited a few seconds, checking if this sound was all in his head... it was still buzzing. He wandered back into the living room lifelessly, and examined the computer itself... nothing out of the ordinary. He turned on the monitor, and nothing happened then either. In fact, it was perfectly fine.

He stared at the screen longer, spotting one pink dot on the screen. He thought nothing of it until he spotted another one... and then there were about 10... more and more formed, hundreds... thousands. The entire screen was pink. George mashed a load of random keys in hopes of removing the pink. He was too tired to realise how strange this whole thing was, and he was too tired to think to get out the room.

Lights out. The TV that was on standby was now off. George was aware enough to realise the power had gone out. He was also able to deduce that the fact the PC was still functioning without electricity was unusual. He unplugged it... nothing. Turned off the monitor... it stayed on. The pink light became stronger. Unlike before, where George had difficulty keeping his eyes open, he now could not close his eyes...

George had always thought if his life were to end in a colourful manner, the colour he would see would be red. The only colour he saw now, was pink. He then began to feel a strange feeling. One that he had never felt before...

PART THE SECOND

George slowly came back to his senses... but his surrondings had changed, vastly. Everywhere he looked was white... like a blank page.
...He caught sight of something to his right though, and walked that way. A blue 'G', a red 'o', then a yellow 'o', another blue 'g', a green 'l', and red 'e'... it took a couple of seconds for what George saw in front of him to sink in... but when it did, he was shocked.

He thought this were just a dream, after all, he couldn't possibly be on the internet... but if this were a dream... this was an amazing one. A lucid dream, how awesome... to check if this was a dream, George tried to fly, but he couldn't. The idea that he was on the internet... literally... for real was setting in. He smiled.

George looked back at the Google sign, and underneath was a search bar. He approached it, and a board marker appeared in his hand. Given the weirdness of everything recent, this didn't slightly shock him. He just wrote into it; 'asdf', to try it out... suddenly, letters spun around everywhere, forming results for the search faster than George could blink.

He tried pushing some of the text that appeared, as he guessed it would take him somewhere... the second he did, he begun to travel too fast to see anything but a blur of colour. A moment later, his feet touched the ground of another place. George caught his breath and began to explore his new surrondings...

PART THE THIRD

Just as George began to explore this site, giant blocks sped towards him at a dangerous pace. George however didn't run, but looked at them and read what he saw on them... 'Free Poker, only $40', 'Single Hot 70 Year Olds over 21 degrees C or your money back', at this point, George was going to be completely crushed whether he ran or didn't. He felt the need to end his life with a Yu-gi-oh Abridged Reference; ''Oh my god a giant block...''

This is the point where something should occur to save George at the last minute. Sadly, it didn't. George was slammed from behind by one of the giant blocks, stright into the block in front of him, face first, and died.

He woke up to see something he didn't want to see. '/b/'
He had died and went to Internet Hell. Seconds after, he saw a familiar face, and another 3.14 seconds after heard a familiar voice.
'Hi, I'm Conn-' the voice said, but was rudely interupted by George; 'So I'm guessing you're Satan of the internet, right?'
Connor shook his head. 'Where is the Satan of the internet then?' George wasn't even thinking how weird it was to actually see Connor, he was merely interested in getting out of /b/.

Connor pointed to the left, and attempted to engage in conversation again, but George was already gone. He eventually made it to an area called /placewheresatanis/. As he walked in, George could see another familiar face.

PART THE FOURTH

The room George was in was divided into two. There was a thin shabby wooden wall, with a locked door blocking the back half of the room. The half George had entered had a desk to his right, and the walls were covered in Slipknot posters. George could hear mumbling behind the wall, so he progressed to kick it but was interupted by a voice from the desk.

'Your sister is a follower and is in no way a leader. Now if you kick down that wall, you're paying for it.' George looked at Adam for about a second. He then dipped his hand into his pocket and got a 10p piece. He tossed it towards Adam, who fumbled it... it ended up with the 10p rolling out of the room with Adam chasing after it as if it were the difference between life and death.

George then decided against kicking the wall down, and searched the desk Adam was sitting at. He opened the drawer to see a stash of pornography, with 2 males. George quickly slammed the drawer shut before he could actually make out what was happening in that image and went back to his initial plan. He kicked the wall down, which landed on top of the person in the other room.

George still wasn't in the mood for a happy clappy reunion, nor was he in the mood to apologise for kicking a wall of rotting wood on top of someone. 'You knew you could just get the keys out of Adam's desk, didn't you?' said the person, still stuck underneath the fallen wall. 'I didn't really want to look in that desk though. Now ten, I hope you're the "Satan of the internet", I've been in this awful site for far too long.' George replied.

'THEN, NOT TEN, IDIOT!' The person went on fire, burning the crappy wall and revealing himself to George. 'Whoa... what on earth are you doing in a place like this?' George said, who was more annoyed by the grammar correction than scared by the fact Daniel could probably burn him to death. 'Well...' Daniel began, and told an incredibly long and detailed account of his story. George had found a way to overcome his insomnia.

Eight hours later...
'George? George? Isn't that the coolest thing ever?' George had been asleep during the whole speech, and so he didn't have even a slight clue what to say. 'Uh... so why are you Satan?' he asked. 'I already said that, it's because everyone is impressed how much I hate those scifagRARs' he replied. George died a little inside when he heard the word "scifagRAR", but decided to cut this conversation short.

'Can I just get off this site please?' he said impatiently. 'Yes.' Daniel replied, then he closed his eyes and a back button appeared. George pressed the button...

PART THE FIFTH

George arrived back to where he died. He ran as fast as his legs could carry him to the link back to Google. However he didn't even get halfway before a popup rammed into him knocking him dead again.

'Back so soon?' Daniel asked. 'Err... yeah. I kinda died because those popups are way too fast for me.' George replied shamefully. Daniel knew just who could help. 'CONNOR!' Connor came rushing into the room. 'Take him with you, George. He will come in handy.

George went back to the place where he died. 'So, Connor, what exactly can you do to deal with these giant popup things?' Connor smiled proudly and said 'I have the power to temporarily allow my physical size to match the size of my ego.' George was scared to think how big that would be. 'Uh, don't trip over me, okay?' Connor replied 'I'm too awesome to let that happen' as he unleashed his power.

...In the space of a second, Connor's size multiplied by about 100. He kicked the pop-ups, and they burst into letters and scattered away. He then trod on George accidentally. After George came back from Internet Hell, and Connor returned to normal size, they both went to Google.

George's face was the face of someone that is sad. 'Why can't I have a win power like burning or going the size of my ego?' he asked. Connor concealed a smirk 'I dunno.' (He is so jealous.) 'What was that!?' George shouted in fury. Connor quickly lost his smug face. 'Huh?' (Did he just invade my awesome thoughts?) 'Yes, I... oh... win. I can read minds, awesome!' George smiled. (Oh shit. I hope he doesn't find out about...) 'I'll make a deal. If you don't tread on me again, I won't find out what you don't want me to. Deal?' 'Deal.'

A link appeared out of nowhere... without George or Connor searching anything. A single link alone. They both approached the link and grabbed it...


PART THE SIXTH

Lag. Lag. Lagggggg. George and Connor's movement towards their destination slowed down drastically. Lag. Lotsa lag. More of it. Still lagging. Just a little further. Lag.

Where on earth could George and Connor have headed? Find out when George isn't too lazy to write.

TO BE CONTINUED.
Edited by Bonkenhi, Jan 9 2009, 01:59 PM.
90% of teenagers today would die or commit suicide if Myspace and MSN had system failures and were completly destroyed, if you are one of the 10% that would be laughing, copy and paste this into your signature. (I WOULD be laughing at the suicide.)

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BasiltheDragon
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Colin > You

Ugh. More/better paragraphing, pretty please?

Now that's out of the way (I HATE READING BIG BLOCKS OF TEXT)

...Are we about to find out George is secretly gay, I mean, about to meet his maker in a haze of pink?
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Bonkenhi
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I HAVE FURY!!!
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All will be revealed. =P Layout is a bit nicer to your eyes now, I thinking. =P
90% of teenagers today would die or commit suicide if Myspace and MSN had system failures and were completly destroyed, if you are one of the 10% that would be laughing, copy and paste this into your signature. (I WOULD be laughing at the suicide.)

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BasiltheDragon
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Colin > You

I wanna know now.

But yes, that is much better, thank you.
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Bonkenhi
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I HAVE FURY!!!
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Part the Second appears on Wednesday. =P
90% of teenagers today would die or commit suicide if Myspace and MSN had system failures and were completly destroyed, if you are one of the 10% that would be laughing, copy and paste this into your signature. (I WOULD be laughing at the suicide.)

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HazzaB
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Uhem! You should be revising Chemisty not writing stories DX
But it seems OK... Not poetic or striking in anyway. Like when I read Shakesphere or proper good books, you feel that vibe, the beauty of words.
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>Cave Story: Ashes to Ashes mod that I've been working on with the OMFGWTF Forum<
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Bonkenhi
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I HAVE FURY!!!
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HazzaB
Jan 6 2009, 04:03 PM
Uhem! You should be revising Chemisty not writing stories DX
But it seems OK... Not poetic or striking in anyway. Like when I read Shakesphere or proper good books, you feel that vibe, the beauty of words.
I lack creativity. =P Don't expect anything close to Shakesphere. =P
90% of teenagers today would die or commit suicide if Myspace and MSN had system failures and were completly destroyed, if you are one of the 10% that would be laughing, copy and paste this into your signature. (I WOULD be laughing at the suicide.)

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BasiltheDragon
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Colin > You

OMG YOU'RE ON TEH INTERNETZ!
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Bonkenhi
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Where I go with this story now, god knows. XD I don't plan ahead. Stay tuned, another part will appear tomorrow. =O
90% of teenagers today would die or commit suicide if Myspace and MSN had system failures and were completly destroyed, if you are one of the 10% that would be laughing, copy and paste this into your signature. (I WOULD be laughing at the suicide.)

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mikami
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LOL, epic.

You should meet some users.
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WHAT DOES DNA STAND FOR?

National Dyslexic Association.
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Bonkenhi
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enigma.
Jan 7 2009, 12:25 PM
LOL, epic.

You should meet some users.
;_; Why am I so predictable?
90% of teenagers today would die or commit suicide if Myspace and MSN had system failures and were completly destroyed, if you are one of the 10% that would be laughing, copy and paste this into your signature. (I WOULD be laughing at the suicide.)

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Inferno Gengar XIII
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Bonkenhi
Jan 6 2009, 03:16 PM
~Just felt a spark or two of inspiration. So now you'll all have to put up with my attempt at something creative. Yay.~

PART THE FIRST

Saturday... 4am. The quiet ticking of that cheap clock on the mantelpiece, and the almost silent hum of the computer, with the occasional typing sound and a click or two was the only sound to be heard. The light in the other room was on, and the light of the monitor lit the room George was in. A few more ticks of that clock, His tired eyes flicking to the corner with the time... 4:30am. He snapped out of his endless waiting, and got up from his chair.

He walked up half of the stairs, when a buzzing noise was made from the PC downstairs. It wasn't loud enough to wake his family in the room above, but it alarmed George all the same. He waited a few seconds, checking if this sound was all in his head... it was still buzzing. He wandered back into the living room lifelessly, and examined the computer itself... nothing out of the ordinary. He turned on the monitor, and nothing happened then either. In fact, it was perfectly fine.

He stared at the screen longer, spotting one pink dot on the screen. He thought nothing on it until he spotted another one... and then there were about 10... more and more formed, hundreds... thousands. The entire screen was pink. George mashed a load of random keys in hopes of removing the pink. He was too tired to realise how strange this whole thing was, and he was too tired to think to get out the room.

Lights out. The TV that was on standby was now off. George was aware enough to realise the power had gone out. He was also able to deduce that the fact the PC was still functioning without electricity was unusual. He unplugged it... nothing. Turned off the monitor... it stayed on. The pink light became stronger. Unlike before, where George had difficulty keeping his eyes open, he now could not close his eyes...

George had always thought if his life were to end in a colourful manner, the colour he would see would be red. The only colour he saw now, was pink. He then began to feel a strange feeling. One that he had never felt before...

TO BE CONTINUED
Critiquing time... Bad stuff first, as I want to do the bad stuff first. Holy shit, that came out wrong. I mean innuendoliciously wrong, not any other way. I mean I will say the bad things about it first, then the good things.

Basically, I'm not really following that "compliment sandwich" crap, I'm just going with the easiest way for me to say what's bad and what's good, and generally I think of bad things first.

"Saturday... 4am."

OK, that's not a proper sentence. I think it's alright though. Perhaps "It was Saturday... 4 am." might still work, although it's a bit long. Keep it if you want.

"was the only sound to be heard."

Well, there were multiple sounds, so it should be "were the only sounds to be heard."

"He walked up half of the stairs, when a buzzing noise was made from the PC downstairs."

Perhaps it would be better as "He had walked up half of the stairs, before a buzzing noise..." or "He had walked up half of the stairs, before he heard a buzzing noise from the PC downstairs."

"He wandered back into the living room lifelessly"

It sounds better as "He wandered lifelessly back into the living room", as with the "wandered lifelessly" phrase it is more interesting than if they are separate.

"He thought nothing on it until he spotted another one"

That should be "nothing of it".

"Lights out."

That should probably be "The lights went out." It's longer, but it adds more to the suspense I think. It doesn't really matter, but meh.

"Turned off the monitor"

It still keeps the suspense if you put "He turned off the monitor", and that way it's a proper sentence.

"George had always thought if his life were to end in a colourful manner"

It should be "if his life was to end in a colourful manner", as his life is one thing.


Now for the good parts!

"The quiet ticking of that cheap clock on the mantelpiece"

OK, the "quiet ticking" is clichéd, but it works well. The cliché is usually used differently anyway, so it's fine. And I like the "cheap clock" thing, it adds to the feel of the normalcy (that is a word) of the room, thus adding to the suspense, as in normal rooms in stories things seem to go wrong, maybe.

"It wasn't loud enough to wake his family in the room above"

This George character has good hearing it seems, yay. Or it's some special mysterious crap, also yay.

"George mashed a load of random keys in hopes of removing the pink."

Showing a sort of irrational side to this George character works well. It seems like he feared it, which adds to the absurdity or strangeness of what's happening, as it's causing him to behave irrationally.

"He was too tired to realise how strange this whole thing was, and he was too tired to think to get out the room."

Another part showing George's lack of control over the situation, it works well. It adds to the feeling that someone's "pulling his strings", by that I mean controlling this whole situation. Adds to suspense.

"He unplugged it... nothing. Turned off the monitor... it stayed on."

Obviously this adds to the suspense level. It's kind of clichéd, but it's still good.

"He then began to feel a strange feeling. One that he had never felt before..."

It's a nice cliffhanger, though it's still sort of clichéd. Once again, the fact that it's clichéd isn't necessarily bad, as those two sentences work well for the end of the first part.

Damn, this is a long post. Edit it to put whatever I've said in spoilers if you wish, to keep page size down.
Carry me to the shoreline
Bury me in the sand
Walk me across the water
And maybe you'll understand

Once the stone you're crawling under
Is lifted off your shoulders
Once the cloud that's raining over your head
Disappears, the noise that you'll hear
Is the crashing down of hollow years
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HazzaB
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It doesn't have to be a proper sentance to be in a story.

5 am. Birds chirp, dogs bark. The lady, up early, walked through the park briskly.

All successful books involve one or two word sentances that aren't real sentances, but they are like that for a reason.

This is creative writing, not by the book writing.
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Inferno Gengar XIII
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Bonkenhi
Jan 6 2009, 03:16 PM
PART THE SECOND
George slowly came back to his senses... but his surrondings had changed, vastly. Everywhere he looked was white... like a blank page.
...He caught sight of something to his right though, and walked that way. A blue 'G', a red 'o', then a yellow 'o', another blue 'g', a green 'l', and red 'e'... it took a couple of seconds for what George saw in front of him to sink in... but when it did, he was shocked.

He thought this were just a dream, after all, he couldn't possibly be on the internet... but if this were a dream... this was an amazing one. A lucid dream, how awesome... to check if this was a dream, George tried to fly, but he couldn't. The idea that he was on the internet... literally... for real was setting in. He smiled.

George looked back at the Google sign, and underneath was a search bar. He approached it, and a board marker appeared in his hand. Given the weirdness of everything recent, this didn't slightly shock him. He just wrote into it; 'asdf', to try it out... suddenly, letters spun around everywhere, forming results for the search faster than George could blink.

He tried pushing some of the text that appeared, as he guessed it would take him somewhere... the second he did, he begun to travel too fast to see anything but a blur of colour. A moment later, his feet touched the ground of another place. George caught his breath and began to explore his new surrondings...

TO BE CONTINUED.
More critiquing, yay!

Spellchecking:

"surrondings" should be "surroundings", both times you've attempted to spell it.

Anyway, I'll try to combine the bad points and good points this time. So I won't bother doing bad points first.

The first paragraph is absolutely fine. Well, other than that one spelling mistake. Basically, it works well. There's not much else for me to say about it really, other than that it's pretty good.


Now, I'm onto the second paragraph.

"He thought this were just a dream" should be "He thought this was just a dream", as a dream is only one thing.

"to check if this was a dream, George tried to fly, but he couldn't"

That's good. Establishing that it's not a dream in the second paragraph is a good idea. It adds to suspense.

"The idea that he was on the internet... literally... for real was setting in"

OK, I'm not sure why you put "literally... for real", as they mean the same thing. Basically, "literally" sounds better than "for real", and having both is redundant, so it would be better as "The idea that he was on the internet... literally... was setting in".

"He smiled" is short but effective to end the paragraph. It shows that although he isn't in control of the situation, he is happy about it (not the lack of control, the situation). It adds to the character development.


Now I'm onto the third paragraph. I liked the idea of the board marker, it really makes it seem as if someone is controlling the situation.

"this didn't slightly shock him"

This should probably be "this didn't shock him slightly", as "didn't slightly" sounds quite fiddly, especially when spoken. And when people read they tend to "hear" their voice (or perhaps another person's) reading it inside their heads.

"faster than George could blink"

Well, you've already established this is about George, so the pronoun "he" could go in its place.

Now it's time for the fourth paragraph.

I really liked this bit. It shows that George can take advantage of utterly bizarre situations, so it's another part where you get to know more of his character. This is of course good. It's another cliffhanger paragraph as expected, lol.

"he begun to travel too fast" should be "he began to travel too fast". You could put "he had begun", instead of "he began".


It's pretty good so far, keep it up.

@Hari: True, but it's "sentence", not "sentance". But yeah, I said it probably wouldn't matter if he left it like that. :P
Edited by Inferno Gengar XIII, Jan 7 2009, 01:27 PM.
Carry me to the shoreline
Bury me in the sand
Walk me across the water
And maybe you'll understand

Once the stone you're crawling under
Is lifted off your shoulders
Once the cloud that's raining over your head
Disappears, the noise that you'll hear
Is the crashing down of hollow years
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Bonkenhi
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I HAVE FURY!!!
[ *  *  *  * ]
Too lazy to do a load of fixing and stuff. XD Thanks anyway, but it's not a serious creative thing. =P After all, I'm just about the least creative person on the board.
90% of teenagers today would die or commit suicide if Myspace and MSN had system failures and were completly destroyed, if you are one of the 10% that would be laughing, copy and paste this into your signature. (I WOULD be laughing at the suicide.)

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