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| Post Apoc Sea Battle; Miseries Sower | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 22 2011, 11:11 PM (524 Views) | |
| dogmrian | Dec 22 2011, 11:11 PM Post #1 |
wastleland bard
  ![]](http://z3.ifrm.com/static/1/pip_r.png)
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Do not know if this is the right sub forum to post but it felt fluff Critique and Comments Appreciated The waves crashed against the rocky outcropping as Miseries Sower quietly slipped around the spires that jutted out of the Creanic Ocean. The slaves below deck though resentful for their treatment knew that the sea was a harsher master and kept quiet as the padded oars moved them to see The Vigilant off a half mile, it’s Blue and Gold sail flapping in the wind showing off the Golden Fist of the Traders Mile City, run by the gold fists. The Grey sail was lifted up onto the single mast of Miseries Sower as the last of their appropriated goods was secured under deck. Then they began the slow crawl back to open sea as they moved farther away from the sinking trading vessel, Human’s Hope, hoping to be unseen by the watchful eyes of The Vigilant’s crew. But no such luck was given to the Miseries crew as the man in the crows nest called down that a plume of smoke had emerged from The Vigilant and she was changing course for pursuit. Quickly Hai Rolf the captain yelled out for the slave driver to start drumming for full speed and the mast gang to unfurl the sail. With a whish of rope and a snap of canvas the grey sail of the Misery spread open revealing the black wolfs head of the Vulka Clan as the wind caught into the sail, but even with the wind in the raiders favour and a score of oars at full speed The Vigilant’s Steam engine pushed on through with the assistance of their Sail. Hai saw that the Misery was loosing ground and started organizing his warriors for the boarding action that was sure to come. Even with the liberation of several crates of ammunition each warrior only received around 10-20 rounds, depending on how much they used on the previous merchant vessel, and started hunching behind pieces of corrugated iron and thick planks of wood as the Vigilant drew closer. It took close to an hour before the Vigilant started its attack and the Misery’s crew were well into their pre battle routines. Harlec Goestev, who claimed he once fought a Mao Rie warrior in hand to hand combat and after loosing two of his fingers on his left hand and his good ear he was able to lift the giant of a meta-human off his feet and throw him into a shackety building making both stories fall on him, and after the Moa Rie shoved the rubble off of him he hurtled a boulder sized rock bashing him in the head, was deep into his second bottle of what ever he drunk, Gearald Norlin was sharpening his axe he fashioned from a thin slab of metal painted red and white with the words STOP barely visible. Ankitlon had his stone out with a scratched picture of his woman which he held close to his chest with his eyes closed and his mouth whispering something. And Lektov, who spoke so little that newcomers would have thought him mute, started his battle song. His cracked, deep voice called out across the waves in that alien tongue as several of the crew joined in. No one knew what it meant but as the unified singers sung in harmony a sense of awe, like the sound of a mountain lifting itself, could not help but be felt, and a shiver down the captains spine made him confident that the Vigilant’s crew felt some fear and terror as a sound like a thousand men rose from the Misery. Suddenly a snap of powder was heard and a red rose bloomed from the torso of a warrior as he fell screaming, dropping the heavy pipe and rusty musket he held. Several more snaps resounded as shots were fired from both crews. The Vigilant was quickly upon them and within five minutes of bullets being fired at one another the two ships were near side by side as grappling hooks were thrown by the Vigilant’s crew, grabbing hold of the nailed side of the Misery. Lektov pulled a fellow crewmember in front of him as a soft thump and splurt of crimson erupted from the warriors back as Lektov fired his musket under the man’s shoulder as he gurgled forth a red froth. Harlec brought his spiked wooden cudgel down onto a sailor with a blue cap as he climbed over the side of the misery and bull tackled another towards the other side of the small craft but not before the man stabbed him in the gut with the bayonet on his rifle as they both toppled overboard. Gerald’s axe was making red spirals as his strikes hit engaged Golden Fists, piercing the chain vests they wore ripping at their spinal cords and lower organs, until a bullet tore through his left cheek unhinging his jaw bone as it dangled from his right cheek, as he garbled some surprised words as several men tore at his flimsy leather vest with sharpened blades. Ankitlon was cornered by the aft castle and was quickly speared twice in the chest, but when a sailor stooped down to take the pebble held firmly in the raiders hand a fist struck him reeling back as Ankitlon stood back up with small streams of red running down his jacket as another man ran at him and speared him a third time underneath the shoulder, but he broke the bayonet off and stabbed the man in the chest and tore a chuck out of him as a fourth man charged but Ankitlon ducked and stuck the blade in between the mans ribcage, but a fifth man hit him in the back and he fell to be speared multiple times. Suddenly a girl was on deck, and a spark could have been seen in Kai’s eyes if anyone were to look, as a blue capped sailor came rushing towards her, but never saw the heavy axe flying behind him catching him in the square of his back toppling him onto the girl. Several sailors fell before the man was lifted off as a wide eyed Kai picked up the girl and pushed her towards the cabin beneath the aft castle as a proper sword hacked into his lower back, the reforged wok plate held most of the blade but a red trickle still began to flow down his back as he wildly kicked behind him staggering the man by the ferocity as the heel of Kai’s boot met with the awkwardly placed knee of the sailor as he tumbled away. Kai quickly followed the girl into the cabin as he reloaded the carbine on his back and fired a shot or two into the melee on deck through the open door. Things began to quite down until Kai quickly closed the door and a red tinged sword bit through the wood sending splinters everywhere as a man in halfmail kicked the rest of the door away, both oblivious to the screams of a bewildered and scared girl. The man drove is sword at Kai as Kai’s carbine caught the edge and pushed away, leading to a shoulder slam sending the man back a few steps. Kai dropped the carbine and drew his fire hardened spear as the man returned to the attack with a quick blow to the head and a savage strike to the waist, both quickly but barely blocked by the thick stick as Kai frantically sought to turn his defence into offence. A slash of the sword left another small trickle of blood running down the side of Kai’s face as the two continued to fight back and forth, till Kai found the opportunity to strike the man in the knee which dazed the man as he fought to keep his balance, then a more powerful strike to the other knee saw the man toppled and with a quick downward thrust ended it. As Kai Panted for breath a wet tear soaked face nestled itself in his thigh. As they stood there they could hear the silence from outside. Kai moved forward with the girl clinging to his leg, but with a push she scampered back to the still figure on the bed. As he approached the now close door a sense of calm came over him as he heard the roaring of Ankitlon and he opened the door to see him with several rivers of blood dripping from him, mingled with the tears from his eyes, and maybe his rock, as several sailors turned with rifles raised. The eruption of fire brought the girl to new tears as the friendly man fell back into the room as another ripple of fire erupted from the deck. As the blue-capped men stormed into the room they heard for the first time the cry of a girl, worn and tired after much hardship on a pirates ship. And as the Vigilant sailed away, the girl shed many tears, but not for the end of a weary trial, not for the dead mother in the sinking captains cabin, not for the lost of possessions she held dear onboard. She cried tears for a stranger who cared for her and her mother on their voyage on the Humans Hope who came on the Wolf’s ship. Around her a sailor held a pebble with a picture barely visible underneath the blood. “What do you think this woman is, some pirate whore?” called the sailor in a joking voice. “Nah, she’s probably some infamous Siren who stole the man’s heart and turned him to piracy.” “You’re both wrong, she is a goddess of wild and bloody sex.” Shouted a third, as he made crude thrusting movements with his pelvis. Not far off a man began singing the song heard over the waves like a krakens call of doom, but this time it held no awe, no coherency, no majesty to bestow courage or fear, just a drunkard on some strange bender, as others joined after taking a sip of a strange jug. But all fell quite, and the girl turned and buried her face in the most familiar and comforting thing she could find, the leg of the mute wolf. |
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| dogmrian | Jan 8 2012, 12:10 AM Post #2 |
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wastleland bard
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is it really that bad that no one wants to give me CnC or is it something else like not the right forum or folder to put this in? I'm not trying to guilt i would just like to know. |
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| mattblackgod | Jan 8 2012, 12:25 AM Post #3 |
Big boss warlord dude!
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Whoops missed this one. Too much going on with Christmas. Nice tale. I enjoyed it. Will there be more? My only critique is that it hits the eye as a wall of text. Perhaps you could break it up a bit with paragraphs? I have moved this tale to the Storyteller board in the Media section. |
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| dogmrian | Jan 8 2012, 12:39 AM Post #4 |
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wastleland bard
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thanks danny for moving it and for the CnC i can understand how it could have gotten overlooked in the wrong folder i am trying to write more often and hopefully i will write something more for this, i don't know yet |
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| mattblackgod | Jan 8 2012, 12:45 AM Post #5 |
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Big boss warlord dude!
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I made that promise to myself to sharpen my writing and work up to a novel. But life, the hobby and this forum seem to take up my spare time! 
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| Crazy Joe | Jan 13 2012, 04:24 PM Post #6 |
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Mutant Hunter
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A couple of things I will comment on. First, this is the first time I saw this story so it must be in the right spot now. Second, presentation. Your post is a wall of text. There are no paragraphs or breaks. This makes it difficult to keep your place and to “rest your eyes” after reading for a while. I could not read more than 5 lines before getting lost and having to re-read sections. After trying to find my place a couple of times I gave up. My recommendation: break the story up into paragraphs of not more than 10 lines (preferably less) and leave a space between those paragraphs. If you have more than 5 or 6 paragraphs I recommend multiple posts so as not to intimidate the reader. |
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