| Hiroko Teruko; Complete | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 13 2016, 09:43 AM (308 Views) | |
| Moonlight_Sundown | Sep 13 2016, 09:43 AM Post #1 |
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Name: Hiroko Teruko Gender: Female Age: 16 Class: 1-2 Clubs: Horror Enthusiasm Personality: Hiroko has...Problems talking to many people due to the fact that she is very worried that they'll criticize her appearance or any kind of discussion she is talking about. However, when she is alone, Hiroko is very chatty and often expresses her frustrations with life to her limited friends or parents. Being friendly with Hiroko would be very hard at first as she'll most likely treat the acquaintance as non existent and so will ignore them, however when she gets to know the person and is finally friends with them, Hiroko will treat said person like a sibling and will be very close to them and make sure nothing bad will happen to that person, she will even defend said person when there in a fight to show her friendship to them. Hiroko is also very social on the Internet and could be sometimes seen typing things on her phone to other people or websites, yes even during class where she'll try and find a way to send messages even if she gets caught and punished. She may not say much but Hiroko is basically a social butterfly when it comes to phones and such and won't stop inspecting a phone when she gets her hands on one. Hiroko also loves to play video games, mostly online and dreams of getting into E-Sports when she's older. However, she began to think if she'll be talented enough to beat competitive players and so she might decide that E-sports might not be the thing for her, but she wants to do something social or something related to video games when she's older and hopes that one day she'll be able to stand up for herself and become more social. However, that does not stop her from trying to be the best player around and so trains in popular online games regularly when she's not busy. She's also not a fan of horror movies but only joined the Horror Enthusiasm club so she can get closer to a friend. Hiroko loves the Internet but has fears of making friends in the real world due to being worried that they'll betray her and make fun of her, so she mostly keeps quiet when in areas or rooms with a lot of people in them but Is seen most of the time sticking to small groups as she feels she can feel more like her when they're fewer people around as being around a lot of people can be very stressful to her. History: Hiroko was born in Kyoto to two loving parents, Genji Teruko and Masami Ran. Masami has a busy job as a top chef of a popular restaurant and Genji's job as an auditor costs him spending time with his family, but the two would always try and have time for Hiroko whenever she needs it, even if they put her first then their jobs. Hiroko meanwhile, became very talented when playing video games and as the years went on, became very good in competitive play and online games so much that she thought about her future with her gaming hobby. However, she never really thought about it that much. Shortly after Hiroko turned sixteen which was around the time she finished middle school. Genji got a job offer in Nagashima due to his auditing work and he was assigned to help a few banks in the city which he happily took the offer. He found a small house for sale in Nagashima and so he and Masami bought it as Masami thought Nagashima would be a great place to live in, making the two excited. Hiroko however, was a bit sad that she now had to go to Taiyoutono, not having good thoughts about the school. After hearing more and more about it, she became excited to go and hoped to pass the exam. After taking the taiyoutono entrance exam, Hiroko barely managed to get a place in the school. With everything settled the Teruko family set off to Nagashima to hoping to make new friends (except Hiroko) and settle down peacefully at their new home. Appearance: Hiroko has short black hair and wears small red square shaped glasses. She also has blue eyes and also golden jack frost earrings that she won from an arcade once. Hiroko is very sensitive and so sometimes she'll replace her glasses with contact lenses to try and fit in even if they do sting her eyes and make them weird most of the time. Other then her taiyoutono and gym wear Hiroko are mostly seen wearing a white shirt of a pink bear while wearing a black skirt along with a black vest during spring when the weather gets chilly the black vest is seen being closed up blocking the view of Hiroko's shirt. However, Hiroko removes the vest during the summer or when it is a nice day out. When the cold weather sets in Hiroko will wear a small red coat which changes to a long pink coat during the winter seasons along with some ear muffs. speaking of ear muffs Hiroko is a big fan of them so you won't be surprised if you see her wearing different kinds of ear muffs no matter the weather, however, she'll definitely not wear any when she's at school for fear of being ridiculed by others. Weapon ![]() One time Hiroko wanted to try a sport and that sport was baseball during her first try at the sport she failed miserably and got rid of the baseball kit Genji gave her, however, she liked the baseball bat and so kept it ever since and hung it on her wall. Mask ![]() Instead of wearing her mask, Hiroko's mask is summoned when she wants to help her friends using her Persona during which the mask will appear around her face it also represents Hiroko's love for technology. ![]() "You have a voice Hiroko, and I know deep inside you can express it." Persona: Lin Bu was a hermit and a poet during the Song Dynasty era of China, who showed no fear of writing poems but had trouble expressing it with anyone. ~Name: Lin Bu ~Arcana: Hermit ~Drain: None ~Weak: Fire & Nuclear ~Null: None ~Reflect: None ~Resist: None ~Skills: Analysis, Bewilder & Cleave. Edited by Moonlight_Sundown, Sep 15 2016, 10:00 AM.
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| The One True Nobody | Sep 14 2016, 07:07 AM Post #2 |
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"...does this clockwork hand follow you... or guide you?"
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Okay, this needs some serious cleaning up before I can approve it. In terms of just general revision stuff:
The good news is there's fundamentally nothing wrong with the character itself, it's mainly the way the application is written. Most of it's grammatical, although I think the Personality section could also use a bit more cohesion (a little more rhyme and reason to the way Hiroko behaves socially would go a long way toward giving a good sense of her). |
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| Moonlight_Sundown | Sep 14 2016, 08:11 AM Post #3 |
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- Added a bit more detail to her personality. - Fixed grammar and spelling mistakes as well. - Also, added bold In the titles. Edited by Moonlight_Sundown, Sep 14 2016, 08:12 AM.
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| The One True Nobody | Sep 15 2016, 04:48 AM Post #4 |
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"...does this clockwork hand follow you... or guide you?"
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Okay, I'm not seeing a lot of what I had in mind actually fixed, so let's try this again. Some specific things that irk me: 1 - Stop capitalizing the letter I. The letter I should only be capitalized if it is at the start of a sentence or if it's used as its own standalone word, as in: "If I am coming across as a grammar nazi, it isn't my intention, I swear it." 2 - Run-on sentences. Stuff like this: "Shortly after Hiroko turned sixteen which was around the time she finished middle school, Genji got a job offer in Nagashima due to his auditing work and he was assigned to help a few banks in the city which he happily took the offer, he found a small house for sale in Nagashima and so he and Masami bought it as Masami thought nagashima would be a great place to live in, making the two excited." That is not how commas work, and you do it all over the place. 3 - Personality still needs smoothing over. A few things I'd like to see explained: If Hiroko doesn't like horror movies, why is she in the Horror Enthusiasts club? What is the correlation between Hiroko's reserved personality around strangers and her chattiness and strong attachment to those she gets close to? |
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| Moonlight_Sundown | Sep 15 2016, 07:06 AM Post #5 |
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- Got rid of a few run In sentences. - Replaced a lot of I's with smaller ones. - And added more to her personality including why she joined the Horror Enthusiasm Club. |
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| The One True Nobody | Sep 15 2016, 07:26 AM Post #6 |
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"...does this clockwork hand follow you... or guide you?"
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There's still a lot of cleaning up to do, still a lot of uppercase I going on, and still quite a few run-on sentences. This would go a lot better if you slowly combed through the application and proofread it. If you don't have any confidence in your proofreading, I could recommend a browser extension called Grammarly, which can spot things like this easily. Also, "Hiroko love's the internet" should be "Hiroko loves the Internet." "Love's" is a possessive. And actually the word "Internet" is a rare exception where "I" should be capitalized since it's technically a proper noun, although I don't really understand why it is. I won't bug you about it if you forget that from time to time, though. |
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| Moonlight_Sundown | Sep 15 2016, 07:44 AM Post #7 |
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It's been edited. |
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| The One True Nobody | Sep 15 2016, 09:31 AM Post #8 |
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"...does this clockwork hand follow you... or guide you?"
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At the start of that paragraph, "She's" should still be a possessive. Did you change that because I corrected you on "loves?" Do you mind if I ask you whether or not English is your first language? You seem to be having some trouble with it. |
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| Moonlight_Sundown | Sep 15 2016, 10:01 AM Post #9 |
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Edited. |
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| The One True Nobody | Sep 15 2016, 11:22 PM Post #10 |
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"...does this clockwork hand follow you... or guide you?"
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Fine, let's count this as approved, but you didn't really answer my question (even just to tell me it was a question you didn't like). I should tell you that this app sort of just barely passes muster at all, and I'm approving it on good faith that you'll take my request to do better at writing to heart. If your next character application has the same issues, I'm going to be harsher on them. |
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