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That Annoying Yellow-Eyed You; okay srsly annoyed now
Topic Started: Dec 23 2012, 04:13 PM (322 Views)
The One True Nobody
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"...does this clockwork hand follow you... or guide you?"
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From: TheTwoCannedAdrenalineJunkie
To: HiddenDragon777

Your Shadow's giving you problems, too? Shit, man...

Well, I've had a helpful little PM conversation with Yuzuki that put things kinda-sorta in perspective a bit, but I guess it couldn't hurt to get a second opinion.

My Shadow mostly shows up when I'm alone and bored. Or thinking about srs bsns like getting a job so I can move in with my boyfriend, or stuff like whether I should change my hair to look less like a dude. The big thing it keeps saying is that I'd be better off if all of my friends were out of the picture and I went back to being the self-centered bitch who slept around and played with people's feelings. I think what it means is that, I dunno, all this worry about helping my friends with their problems (a lot of them have some pretty heavy shit to deal with, issues and Persona-control problems and so on and so forth) might be getting to me. I don't see my Shadow's point, though. I mean, I know from experience that losing someone, or failing someone when they need you most, it can hurt, you know? But I don't see how going back to being the bitter, selfish little hellion is any better.

That was years ago, y'know. Way, way, way before I came to Nagashima. I hadn't even thought about any of that until my Shadow started slapping me in the face with it out of nowhere again.

Between Alexis encouraging me and Yuzuki's advice I think I can think this through and come to some sort of... way to shut my Shadow up that doesn't involve getting drunk enough that I don't have to worry about it popping up, but I'm not one hundred percent on it yet.

On the subject of the video: Do what you feel is right, just watch your back, alright? She's a new Persona-user, but just having a power advantage doesn't necessarily mean she can't hurt you.
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UserShadow7989
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Quote:
 
From: HiddenDragon777
To: TheTwoCannedAdrenalineJunkie

That sounds a little like what my shadow was like before I ascended, though I didn't have a long chat with it until after the fact. Dealing with people on a complex level is always hard, and the temptation is always there to avoid it to make things simpler and 'safer'. There's always been a part of me who wished I could just stay out of things and not get attached.

You're right, though. Going back wouldn't make you happier. At the same time, you shouldn't forget you have your own life and needs. Don't be afraid to ask for help in the same way you wouldn't want someone to be afraid to ask you for help, and treat yourself from time to time. I think balancing your responsibilities to others and your responsibilities to yourself are the key.


Kira stopped typing, starring at what she had written. Something told her she needed to speak to her shadow again.

Quote:
 
[Continued from above]

I have to say, my shadow hasn't changed her tune much since the Moshka interview. All she's done is changed what particular perceived failures she harps on. That I'd be better off if I left, it's not my problem, etc. It's coated with a lot of self-loathing and she changes her tone and personality at the drop of a hat. I can't help but think the problem is similar, but I'm not entirely certain.

And I understand, I'll be careful. I wish I nulled physical- such a handy way to screw up ambushes.
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The One True Nobody
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"...does this clockwork hand follow you... or guide you?"
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From: TheTwoCannedAdrenalineJunkie
To: HiddenDragon777

Cripes, you know what? I stopped the video the moment I heard the Chouko part and forgot to finish actually watching it. You're right, your Shadow does seem sorta like mine. The first time I think I saw it was even for a few seconds in the bathroom mirror after a shower, too.

That is slightly spooky...

But it's not that I don't treat myself or think of my own needs! I'm not even that big on being a hero or anything like that, hell, the only reason I even go to the ruins is just to cut loose and kill Shadows. Well, these days I do need to worry about strengthening my Persona, too, but that's another matter... anyway, I never forget to chillax or get my daily dose of fun. Being cooped up like I am now, I dunno, maybe that's just irritating things a bit. Hopefully my Shadow won't pop up so often once I'm free to go where I want and do as I please.

But yeah, I get my drunk on and treat myself to food all the time. It's really only for selfish things that I go out of my way. I don't want to see my friends hurting, so I do what I can to help. The more I think of it, though, the more I think I might need them more than they need me. Might've been slipping into old habits a bit just before I got my Persona, now that I think about it. Not on purpose, but--well, I'm just glad I picked up a boyfriend when I did.

He's having Shadow trouble, too, actually. Death in the family. Another worry on my mind...

I'm not sure 'self-loathing' fits with me all that much. I hate my old self, but that's the self that my Shadow is trying to make me go back to, isn't it? I sort of hate myself for not being able to help this friend of mine back in Osaka, but my Shadow only really brought that up once. I think I would hate myself if I fucked up again, though.
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UserShadow7989
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From: HiddenDragon777
To: TheTwoCannedAdrenalineJunkie

Hm. I wish I knew more about psychology so I could be helpful. The similarities are a little unsettling, but I might be too hung up on them. I've noticed that pressure tends to cause them to surface or act more persistently.

It might be a fear of failing or getting hurt by the bonds we cherish, but I can't help but feel that isn't right either. I really don't want to lose my friends; I seem to have a budding codependency issue between the loss of a good friend, a period I was living by myself, parents not being around, and a messy breakup. So while I do have that worry, I don't think it's related to what my shadow has been going on about. So many fires need putting out these days...

I'm sorry for your boyfriend's loss, and hope he can overcome his shadow as well. A friend of mine has been having trouble with theirs, too- and what's worse is that since they're a Wild Card, they seem to have several. I'm worried about him, since he snapped for a short bit very recently over a touchy subject from his past coming up.
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The One True Nobody
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"...does this clockwork hand follow you... or guide you?"
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From: TheTwoCannedAdrenalineJunkie
To: HiddenDragon777

A Wild Card? It's not Treo Ashdown, is it? He seemed fine enough when I last saw him, anyway... but never mind if you're talking about someone else, I won't poke if it's not him. Treo's just a friend of mine, so if something's up with him I'd like to know about it.

Well, let's see if there's anything else here that might help figure this out. You said in that video that your Arcana was Strength, right? That's funny, because mine is almost the complete opposite of that--The Devil. I'm looking it up now to refresh my memory about the meanings--kinda wish I had that Masumi chick I met the other day with me right now, she's really big on Tarot stuff... she'd prolly be able to recite the meaning from memory or something.

Quote: To the wikimobile!
 
The Devil is the card of self-bondage to an idea or belief which is preventing a person from growing or being healthy—an example might be a belief that getting drunk each night is good for you. On the other hand, however, it can also be a warning to someone who is too restrained and/or dispassionate and never allows him or herself to be rash or wild or ambitious, which is yet another form of enslavement.


...Well that's interesting. Self-bondage. I've never really thought that anything I do might be chaining me down, I've mostly just felt restrained by my parents and stuff.

There's also stuff about, like, people who are persuasive, aggressive, and controlling. I don't see myself as controlling... maybe persuasive if you're the kinda person who gets your mind-blowing revelations from nerd-culture metaphors.

AGGRESSIVE, yeah, that's me. I'm aggressive. I, like, totally kicked Makoto Nakagawa in the nuts once, and when I first met Tsubaki I sort of got her arrested and then we fought a few times and she tried to kill me and SOMEHOW! we became friends five minutes later... fuck me my social life is madness. And when I fight Shadows I get this awesome rush of adrenaline, yeah? (I go through clothes like nobody's business, though.)

Anyway lemme see what else there is.

Lust... yep, got that.
Obsession? Er... >_> Maybe.
Hedonism, passion, instincts... triple check.
Sexuality, temptation... ah... Well, yes. My Persona is a motherfucking succubus, like, duh.
Doubt, vice... well, doubt maybe... vice, definitely.
Futility?! FUCK THAT SHIT CONFIDENCE START WITH THE MIND
Physical attraction wait isn't that just a longer way of saying lust
Pessimism? Hell, no, I'm so sun-shiny that I'm surprised I'm not Sun Arcana just for that!
Insight... um... no comment. Although Treo has sort of said I'm not that bad of a detective so maybe! But maybe that's a bit bigheaded of me to say so... wait didn't I just say no comment shutting up now.

*Ahem*

So there it is. Anything in there make any of this make any more sense to you than it did before?


Ten minutes passed between PMs before it clicked. Then, Kyo facepalmed, swore, booted up her laptop again, and sent a follow-up:

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From: TheTwoCannedAdrenalineJunkie
To: HiddenDragon777

AAAAAGGGGHHHHH, I'm such a fucking idiot for not realizing it sooner you meant that friend of yours who killed Chouko, didn't you? What, did he see Suzume's thread and it set him off?

Well, I hope he can work through it. I've never really killed anyone, so... I can't say I relate at all. But so you know, I'm on your side in this, so if you or him or anyone involved ever needs a hand, just ask, yeah?
Edited by The One True Nobody, Dec 26 2012, 08:34 PM.
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UserShadow7989
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Quote:
 
From: HiddenDragon777
To: TheTwoCannedAdrenalineJunkie

No, it's not Treo, and no, he's not the one who killed Chouko. The problem is that he feels it was ultimately his fault, since it was his actions that inadvertently caused her to go after me and my other friend. I think everyone connected to that mess feels like they were responsible. Hell if I haven't wondered what I could have done different to prevent it.

What's worse is he seems convinced that the only way to move on is to have this girl confront him, despite my best efforts. He apparently provoked the hell out of her over PMs. The whole thing is a big damn mess.


Back on topic: I forgot to even consider our arcana, there. I may not have a degree in psychology, but having a nice guide post like that certainly helps things (Also, I understand weird friendships and having to buy replacement clothing because of constant trips to the ruins, so no need to worry about that).

It does sound like we mirror each other a lot, at least going by our arcana. Maybe our problems are on opposite sides of the spectrum? I'm uncomfortable with the idea of loosening up, so maybe you have some anxieties about taking on more responsibilities- new job, new place to stay, etc?

It's a pretty natural thing to feel worried about, especially if you were living mostly for yourself a little while back. That's on top of the responsibilities you took on re: helping your friends/boyfriend with their problems and such. It's a lot to take on in a short time, especially when you're afraid of dropping the ball.
Edited by UserShadow7989, Dec 27 2012, 07:57 AM.
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The One True Nobody
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"...does this clockwork hand follow you... or guide you?"
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From: TheTwoCannedAdrenalineJunkie
To: HiddenDragon777

Ah. Right. Well, I'll just keep my big mouth shut on that subject from here on. Still on your side though. Everything else I said still stands.

Ahem.

Actually that might be it, taking on new responsibilities. Especially in a short time. I mean all of these things did sort of start piling up one after the other almost immediately after I got my Persona--I met my boyfriend, then I met Isoroku in the same week and she's been the biggest one on my mind for all kinds of reasons, at some point between the two I met Kinzaki Kirihara and that basically slapped me in the face with how judgmental *I* could be when I didn't know someone so I had to own up to that and start working to change it, and I also met another friend of mine under... odd circumstances, so that was one more deep, dark secret I had to keep for someone and hopefully help them with even though I really have no fucking CLUE what to do about that one...

...Wasn't long after that I started training with Ayane Hitomi to work on my agility and stuff, although at the time I mostly just wanted to kick this one dude's ass for personal reasons (I have a much less stupid reason for training with her now), and around that time my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend got out of jail, tried to kill me, almost went monster form on me in the middle of the backstreets--you know now that I just say it like that I can't help but imagine what a disaster that would've been if she hadn't had the sense to pull her own mask off before it could happen--and of course despite the fact that she was trying to MURDER ME purely for the sake of getting back with Hiroko, when she had her breakdown at the end and it all came out, I couldn't help but feel like I'd be some sort of massive fucking tool if I didn't try to reach out to her somehow.

Yeah, the more I think about it I think that might be right. A little too much too fast and it's setting me off. Need to cool my jets about it all and, I don't know, make peace with it. Next time my Shadow pops up I'll give it a shot. Not sure how but I've never been one for complicated plans anyway, I'll improv it somehow.

Thanks, I knew someone out there'd be able to help me out with this! Between you and Yuzuki I think I've got this thing beat. Sort of. Almost. Gotta actually beat it first, heh heh...

Well, if you need any help loosening up, you could always hang with me sometime! Or with me and Alexis on the school roof, even better, she's sort of like, my drinking buddy, you know? Nothing loosens you up like getting drunk on school property! w00t!

(wait you're not gonna like... get on my case about that are ya? o.o;; )
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