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My poetry contest entry; Constructive criticism please
Topic Started: Dec 13 2012, 12:41 AM (184 Views)
KileyBarker
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A True Hero
[ *  *  *  * ]
Haste


Click. Click. Clack.

It's gone again.

The source of all pleasure;

The fleeting keeper of the soul.

It came back for a moment,

But it's gone again.


Click. Click. Clack.

He didn't stop.

The light had turned red.

Now only yellow tape is left.

One more try. Nothing.

No response.


Click. Click. Clack.

Now they yield,

It came back for one more

fleeting hope-filled moment,

But it is gone again.

The lights flash.


Click. Click. Clack.

Click.
Click.
Clack.
And the lights flicker again.
"And says 'at last' just as the time bell rings
Goodnight, now it's time to go home
And he makes it fast with one more thing
We are the Sultans
We are the Sultans of Swing"

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Fudo Saiken
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I'm A Queen
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I just wanna know what's clicking. (Traffic light?)?

And the structure of the poem seems pretty good, the last line kinda seems like a hangnail tho
FUDO & SONS FIGHTING CO.
Fudo "Saikyō" Saiken • Captain • Saiken Silver Grand Master/Smith •
Beast Blood Pirates Bounty: 390,000,000 • SD Earned: 1032 • Beli: - • Location: Sky IslandsStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -
Fujin Saiken • Pirate • Thief/Martial Artist •
Bounty: 40,000,000• SD Earned: 210 • Beli: - • Location: Sky IslandsStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -
Gran Kin Umino-Kimono Saiken • Other • Smith/Martial Artist •
Threat: 0• SD Earned: 45 • Beli: - • Location: GLStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -
Cero Saiken • Other • Inventor/Marksman •
Threat: 0• SD Earned: 95 • Beli: - • Location: Cactus IslandStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -


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KileyBarker
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A True Hero
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It is supposed to be a double meaning. The clicking could be the light (Spark) of a relationship gone badly from moving too quickly or it could be the literal and easy to guess traffic light on the surface. The light clicking on and off again represents how the two keep trying to repair the broken relationship and eventually conclude to go separate ways. Then the last line shows how the cycle begins again.

That was what I wanted to convey, at least, but in a way that would still allow people to make their own interpretations of the lines as well.

I suck at metaphors.

Traffic lights are always on an endless cycle of stop, slow, and go. Like relationships. That was the connection I tried to draw.
"And says 'at last' just as the time bell rings
Goodnight, now it's time to go home
And he makes it fast with one more thing
We are the Sultans
We are the Sultans of Swing"

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Fudo Saiken
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I'm A Queen
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.
Edited by Fudo Saiken, Dec 14 2012, 02:30 PM.
FUDO & SONS FIGHTING CO.
Fudo "Saikyō" Saiken • Captain • Saiken Silver Grand Master/Smith •
Beast Blood Pirates Bounty: 390,000,000 • SD Earned: 1032 • Beli: - • Location: Sky IslandsStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -
Fujin Saiken • Pirate • Thief/Martial Artist •
Bounty: 40,000,000• SD Earned: 210 • Beli: - • Location: Sky IslandsStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -
Gran Kin Umino-Kimono Saiken • Other • Smith/Martial Artist •
Threat: 0• SD Earned: 45 • Beli: - • Location: GLStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -
Cero Saiken • Other • Inventor/Marksman •
Threat: 0• SD Earned: 95 • Beli: - • Location: Cactus IslandStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -


Colors


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Oceonax
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Closet Tsundere
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Cute Girls. (Minus One)
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AngelMayLaugh
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my life
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2deep4me
Head Courier Weapon Specialist/Courier WORMS Division Beli: ::beli:: 50,750,000
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Location: Skypiea, Grand Line [Sky Islands]
Ϯ Enlightened Servant Ϯ Weapon Specialist/Martial Artist Ϯ Hot Rockets Ϯ Beli: ::beli:: 90,000,000 ϮPosted Image
Location: Raijin Island, New World [Row One]
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