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My poetry contest entry; Constructive criticism please
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Topic Started: Dec 13 2012, 12:41 AM (184 Views)
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KileyBarker
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Dec 13 2012, 12:41 AM
Post #1
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Haste
Click. Click. Clack.
It's gone again.
The source of all pleasure;
The fleeting keeper of the soul.
It came back for a moment,
But it's gone again.
Click. Click. Clack.
He didn't stop.
The light had turned red.
Now only yellow tape is left.
One more try. Nothing.
No response.
Click. Click. Clack.
Now they yield,
It came back for one more
fleeting hope-filled moment,
But it is gone again.
The lights flash.
Click. Click. Clack.
Click. Click. Clack. And the lights flicker again.
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"And says 'at last' just as the time bell rings Goodnight, now it's time to go home And he makes it fast with one more thing We are the Sultans We are the Sultans of Swing"
Characters 🐐 🐏 "I arrive, brother, for these wretched funeral rites so that I might present you with the last tribute of death and speak in vain to silent ashes" -- Catullus 101 Xia Ji Li • Thief • Bounty: 0 • SD Earned: 0 • Beli: 500,000 Location: N/A • Text Color: #FF00FFWilliam S. Rossamer • Smith • The Plucky Squabs • Threat: 0 • SD Earned: 114 • Beli: 11,800,000 Location: South Amerigo, South Blue • Text Color: FirebrickWyatt J. Pickett • His Trusty Steed • Lawman • Threat: 0 • SD Earned: 0 • Beli: 500,000 Location: N/A • Text Color: FirebrickSugar • Chef • Bounty: 0 • SD Earned: 24 • Beli: 6,500,000 Location: Out At Sea, North Blue • Text Color: #FF00FFLexine Al'Rhodes • WS/Thief • Constellar Pirates • Bounty: 5,000,000 • SD Earned: 230 • Beli: 82,600,000 Location: N/A, Grand Line • Text Color: #66CDAATheodore Ronald Reagansvelt • Cyborg Politician • Threat: 30 • SD Earned: 208 • Beli: 28,100,000 Location: Grand Line (Drum Island) • Text Color: Burlywood
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Fudo Saiken
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Dec 13 2012, 12:56 AM
Post #2
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I just wanna know what's clicking. (Traffic light?)?
And the structure of the poem seems pretty good, the last line kinda seems like a hangnail tho
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| FUDO & SONS FIGHTING CO. |
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Fudo "Saikyō" Saiken • Captain • Saiken Silver Grand Master/Smith • Beast Blood Pirates • Bounty: 390,000,000 • SD Earned: 1032 • Beli: - • Location: Sky IslandsStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -
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Fujin Saiken • Pirate • Thief/Martial Artist • • Bounty: 40,000,000• SD Earned: 210 • Beli: - • Location: Sky IslandsStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: - | Gran Kin Umino-Kimono Saiken • Other • Smith/Martial Artist • • Threat: 0• SD Earned: 45 • Beli: - • Location: GLStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: - | Cero Saiken • Other • Inventor/Marksman • • Threat: 0• SD Earned: 95 • Beli: - • Location: Cactus IslandStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -
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Colors
- Fudo - color=darkgoldenrod
- Fujin - color=#696969
- Gran - color=crimson
- Cero - color=#347C2C
The PVP Table | Base Stats | Buffed/Debuffed Stats | Strength: X
Speed: X
Stamina: X
Accuracy: X
Fortune: X | Strength: X
Speed: X
Stamina: X
Accuracy: X
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KileyBarker
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Dec 13 2012, 01:03 AM
Post #3
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It is supposed to be a double meaning. The clicking could be the light (Spark) of a relationship gone badly from moving too quickly or it could be the literal and easy to guess traffic light on the surface. The light clicking on and off again represents how the two keep trying to repair the broken relationship and eventually conclude to go separate ways. Then the last line shows how the cycle begins again.
That was what I wanted to convey, at least, but in a way that would still allow people to make their own interpretations of the lines as well.
I suck at metaphors.
Traffic lights are always on an endless cycle of stop, slow, and go. Like relationships. That was the connection I tried to draw.
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"And says 'at last' just as the time bell rings Goodnight, now it's time to go home And he makes it fast with one more thing We are the Sultans We are the Sultans of Swing"
Characters 🐐 🐏 "I arrive, brother, for these wretched funeral rites so that I might present you with the last tribute of death and speak in vain to silent ashes" -- Catullus 101 Xia Ji Li • Thief • Bounty: 0 • SD Earned: 0 • Beli: 500,000 Location: N/A • Text Color: #FF00FFWilliam S. Rossamer • Smith • The Plucky Squabs • Threat: 0 • SD Earned: 114 • Beli: 11,800,000 Location: South Amerigo, South Blue • Text Color: FirebrickWyatt J. Pickett • His Trusty Steed • Lawman • Threat: 0 • SD Earned: 0 • Beli: 500,000 Location: N/A • Text Color: FirebrickSugar • Chef • Bounty: 0 • SD Earned: 24 • Beli: 6,500,000 Location: Out At Sea, North Blue • Text Color: #FF00FFLexine Al'Rhodes • WS/Thief • Constellar Pirates • Bounty: 5,000,000 • SD Earned: 230 • Beli: 82,600,000 Location: N/A, Grand Line • Text Color: #66CDAATheodore Ronald Reagansvelt • Cyborg Politician • Threat: 30 • SD Earned: 208 • Beli: 28,100,000 Location: Grand Line (Drum Island) • Text Color: Burlywood
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Fudo Saiken
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Dec 13 2012, 01:12 AM
Post #4
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.
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| FUDO & SONS FIGHTING CO. |
|---|
Fudo "Saikyō" Saiken • Captain • Saiken Silver Grand Master/Smith • Beast Blood Pirates • Bounty: 390,000,000 • SD Earned: 1032 • Beli: - • Location: Sky IslandsStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -
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Fujin Saiken • Pirate • Thief/Martial Artist • • Bounty: 40,000,000• SD Earned: 210 • Beli: - • Location: Sky IslandsStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: - | Gran Kin Umino-Kimono Saiken • Other • Smith/Martial Artist • • Threat: 0• SD Earned: 45 • Beli: - • Location: GLStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: - | Cero Saiken • Other • Inventor/Marksman • • Threat: 0• SD Earned: 95 • Beli: - • Location: Cactus IslandStrength:- Speed: - Stamina: - Accuracy: - Fortune: -
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Colors
- Fudo - color=darkgoldenrod
- Fujin - color=#696969
- Gran - color=crimson
- Cero - color=#347C2C
The PVP Table | Base Stats | Buffed/Debuffed Stats | Strength: X
Speed: X
Stamina: X
Accuracy: X
Fortune: X | Strength: X
Speed: X
Stamina: X
Accuracy: X
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Oceonax
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Dec 14 2012, 10:46 AM
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Cute Girls. (Minus One)  | Sam Wright ⚡ Tsundere ⚡ Ranged Projectiles Expert / Sort-of-Maid / Metallurgist / Scientist ⚡ Harlequin Pirates ⚡ Bounty: 105,000,000 ⚡ SD Earned: 660 ⚡ Beli: 100,920,000 ⚡ Location: Out at Sea, Grand Line
Strength: 136 / Speed: 58 / Stamina: 46 / Accuracy: 70 / Fortune: 137 / Focus: 6
|  | Saza Rinami ♥ Centre ♥ Idol / Dancer ♥ Fruity Devils ♥ Fans: 0 ♥ SD Earned: 75 ♥ Beli: 24,000,000 ♥ Location: Brick Blues Isle, Grand Line
Strength: 11 / Speed: 9 / Stamina: 9 / Accuracy: 9 / Fortune: 35 / Focus: 3
|  | Worm ☣ Cute Girl(?) ☣ Doctor / Marksman ☣ Plucky Squabs ☣ Threat: 0 ☣ SD Earned: 40 ☣ Beli: 10,500,000 ☣ Location: South Amerigo, South Blue
Strength: 14 / Speed: 19 / Stamina: 12 / Accuracy: 12 / Fortune: 23 / Focus: 2
|  | Silverbeard ☠ Captain ☠ Swashbuckler / Cannoneer ☠ Silverbeard Pirates ☠ Bounty: 0 ☠ SD Earned: 0 ☠ Beli: 200,000 ☠ Location: idk, Grand Line
Strength: 11 / Speed: 11 / Stamina: 11 / Accuracy: 5 / Fortune: 8 / Focus: 19
|  | Zekamashi ⍟ Destroyer ⍟ Engineer / Naval Gunner ⍟ United Seas of Ameriga ⍟ Threat: 50 ⍟ SD Earned: 244 ⍟ Beli: 41,100,000 ⍟ Location: Boin Archipelago, Grand Line
Strength: 40 / Speed: 148 / Stamina: 20 / Accuracy: 38 / Fortune: 56 / Focus: 4
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AngelMayLaugh
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Dec 14 2012, 11:11 AM
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2deep4me
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✉ Head Courier ✉ Weapon Specialist/Courier ✉ WORMS Division Beli: 50,750,000
 Location: Skypiea, Grand Line [Sky Islands] Ϯ Enlightened Servant Ϯ Weapon Specialist/Martial Artist Ϯ Hot Rockets Ϯ Beli: 90,000,000 Ϯ Location: Raijin Island, New World [Row One] ✄ Fashion Star ✄ Inventor/Designer/Merchant ✄ Fiore ✄ Beli: 61,105,000 Location: Couture Island, Grand Line [Sea Train Zone]
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