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Topic Started: Dec 10 2013, 03:48 AM (107 Views)
Dusk
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http://s1.zetaboards.com/One_Piece_New_Age_RP/topic/5264821/4/?x=10#new

Here is my thread. Enjoy reading/grading it ^_^
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Nicho Kiennes
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Alright...

Anyway

Storyline: I felt like you forced me through some 1980's b-Horror Movie with this one. I sensed you were out for a specific goal but in a way it was a bit filler and I couldn't get a feel for Amelia, where she was coming from or where she was trying to get too outside of sideways references.

Still since it read as what you were aiming for, a bloody bounty. It read as such so I guess you focused to your goal and did that.

Writing: You like before went balls deep with your soloing. Certainly pushing it for those pages without skimping too much on the post size. This did lead to some drivel that mightn't have been needed but I'm most defiantly someone who does that allot in my own posting hahaha. Perhaps instead of constantly pushing action to fill your post quota try more description and self reflection by Amelia about herself and remember to look back for injuries. A few times she got one and then about 5 posts vanished. Again I do that too.

I'm going to give you 6 points which is pretty good actually considering my 3 month arcs sometimes only get 7 >.>

As someone who will likely be following your writing I would like to see you broaden your goals this RP isn't about being the strongest as such, but about the stories we write and how deep your character and their connections to the RP world are. I'd like to learn more about Amelia and get a feel on her persona and develop the link that means I might give a c**P about fighting her in a future joint SL.

So to summarize:

SP:6

Beli gained: 18,797

That is divided into
10,000 after selling robbed loot
8,797 off the dead bodies of the marine (we marines only get paid a little bit compare to pirate loot)

Bounty:

I'm calling this one since I'm your avid reader.

Amelia Cooper
AKA 'Crazy Bitch'

Bounty:72,024 (this includes your old bounty.)

For the murder of recruits at sea.

The marines however won't admit to the slaughter of an entire marine ship openly by an unknown rookie. So the bounty is enough to get hunters interested in what they might think was an easy kill but not enough to make the newspapers believe there is a new threat on the seas.

If you want to write this into her story then I would imagine she would find her bounty notice in a gull paper and a small story of a marine training ship raided by a female pirate captain. The story would likely be full of lies to make the marines look better and save them face.

Also being in a big marine city will now be harder for you.

Edited by Nicho Kiennes, Dec 19 2013, 12:51 PM.
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Much thanks and appreciation to those who helped create and flourish the original One Piece Role Playing Game, located here: http://s1.zetaboards.com/One_Piece_RP/index/. It is a fantastic game which, obviously, we have based ours on in the most unobtrusive way possible, with any and all connections and correlations between our sites being nothing more than paid homage and the acceptance of excellent, well-considered ideas. While we here at NA have put a lot of effort into writing up the information for this game, a fair portion of it was borrowed and adapted from the aforementioned game, and so we here can't thank them enough for their hard work, and hope that anyone who ventures into this game checks their's out as well, assuming they have not already. They're a good bunch over there and deserve all the respect in the world for their ventures and creativity.