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~S H O W T I M E!~; Episode 9;FV Edition 1
Topic Started: Sep 2 2009, 12:36 PM (199 Views)
Arizonas Most Wanted
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[The scene opens on a slow-moving shot through the vast desert of Arizona, the mountains in the background flying by as...]


[The ground shakes. What the hell was that? The camera shakes it off and contines zooming across the vast Arizona landsca...]


[There it is again!]

[The camera continues, finally coming upon one of the biggest, if not THE biggest landmark in Arizona...yes, the Grand Canyon..]


[The camera comes to the top of the Canyon and looks down, finding...]


[A wrestling ring? At the bottom of the Grand Canyon? The hell?!]


[There are two wrestlers in the ring. Big man and Little Man. Big man just spinebustered Little man. Close up on the action...]


[Big man powerslams little man.]




[A graphic Appears on the screen.]

Presents -
~S H O W T I M E!~



~Is Paul Soutter gon' haveta slap a bitch?
~Bryan "The Maniac" Rodgers protects his ASSets
~Eryk Starr is starrving for payback
~Flaming Bob just wants a friend



[We see the Big Bad Bustling Bandit, Mad Dog Paul Soutter standing in front of a Notorious Wrestling banner. He is wearing one of his many Hawaiian shirts, open with a Big Bad Bustling Bandit t-shirt underneath.]

Soutter : Let me tell you Arizona, i am one hurting Bandit at the moment.

I have no shame in saying so, i fell like i was run down by a mack truck, turns out was 'only' the Bandit Mobile.

The doctors tell me its a miracle i have no broken bones, severe jarring and bruising, multiple contusions and a slight concussion. They told me i can't wrestle for two months. I told them good luck stopping me.

[Suit winces, favoring the arm which was battered by Marduk and the Shmoes.]

Soutter : Marduk, i have no ill feeling towards you. You fought me with all you had, it wasn't enough and the world knows i bested you, until i can't believe i am saying this, until the Shmoes decided to stick there noses into the Suits business. But you proved yourself a man of honour Marduk. There i was, beating you to a pulp, about to do un heard of acts to your body, and what did you do?

You came to my aid. I respect that. I can not say that i would of done the same.

[Suit shakes his head in bewilderment.]

Soutter : The Schmoes? (he cant believe it still) These turkeys must have some sort of death wish. Why?

Why would they even think they can compete with me? Why would they think for one second they could get away with it.

Four on one. I haven't faced them odds since i gave myself a little birthday present last January on a trip to Vegas. Funny thing is them girls probably lasted longer then these Schmoe's will.

And make no mistake, the Funtastic Voyage will resemble a mass o*gy by the time i am thru with you humps! Bodies will be littered all over the place.

[Soutter winces once more, its not fun being run over by the Bandit Mobile folks.]

Soutter : Am i losing my edge? Two years ago the best wrestlers in the world woudn't dare pull a stunt the likes of which these Shmoes have. Three years ago i would of seen it coming, Matrix'ed my 400 plus pounds over the bonnet and cannonballed the driver thru the windscreen, then slapped him silly for thinking to come at me.

Looks like its time to set an example. Show the world EXACTLY what happens when you cross The Suit!

Thursday. Sept 4rd! I bath in the blood of the Schmoes! This fun park will resemble a horror house when i am thru with it. Parents be warned, let your children watch this at your own discretion, kids, just let em try and stop ya!

We are in for a massacre, and i like it like that!


#I got Sunshine on a cloudy day
When it’s cold outside I got the month of May
I wish you could see what can make me feel this way

MY GIRL!!!!#

[The singing is fairly atonal and in a husky voice, the shot opens to a shower curtain with the singing figure behind it, suddenly an Asian woman in a three piece business suit storms into the shot and pulls the curtain back showing Bryan Rodgers wearing a pair of pink swimming goggles and showering. Midori Onita’s elbow is strategically place to block Lil’ Bryan from making his Notorious Wrestling debut.]

MO: What in the hell do you think you are doing?

BMR: Singing a lovely tune?

MO: Hardly.

BMR: Not thinking about you while I’m singing off-key and hoping that one day you’ll understand my affection for you goes beyond watching your old videos and a bottle of hand moisturizer and that we can build a happy future together?

MO: You feel that way about me?

[Midori goes slightly quiet, almost shy; she lowers her eyes, and then snaps her head up staring at Bryan.]

MO: You’re naked!

BMR: I’m _bathing_.

MO: That doesn’t matter! You need to be more aware of what I’m doing.

BMR: Says Little Miss Charge into the Bathroom and Pull Back the Shower Curtain.

[THWACK! The sound of a brisk spinning backfist, Bryan holds his jaw and visibly blinks behind his swimming goggles.]

MO: Dry off, we have to talk.

[The camera follows Midori out to the room where she sits down in one of the oversized chairs near the table that all hotel rooms have, the H8 Ball sits on the table and Midori idly picks it up. A small shot appears in the bottom right hand corner showing what appears in the H8 Ball’s window.]

Magic H8 Ball: How’s his junk?

MO: Aren’t I supposed to ask you questions?

Magic H8 Ball: It’s tiny, huh?

MO: Not really, above average I’d say.

Magic H8 Ball: Above Asian average.


Magic H8 Ball: So tiny.
MO: Shut up.

Magic H8 Ball: Wh*re.

MO: I’m not a wh*re, I was a p*rn star.

BMR: Arguing with the ball again?

MO: I hate this thing, why do you keep it around?

BMR: His unbending control over my psyche, and utter dependence on his advice or otherwise I’d become a shell of a human being, nay, I’d be less than a squirrel.

Magic H8 Ball: It’s squirrel-like?

BMR: Shut up.

Magic H8 Ball: Ha-ha! (With a picture Nelson from the Simpsons)

BMR: So what was so important that you had to barge in on my American Idol audition tape for?

MO: I just got notice that you haven’t promoted for Notorious Wrestling yet, which violates your contract with us.

BMR: I was planning on doing it…

[Midori crosses her arms under her b**bs causing the already strained buttons holding her bust in to their limit.]

MO: And?

BMR: …but b**bies are soft and pillow like.

MO: Could we have a conversation for once where you aren’t distracted by my chest?

BMR: Only if I go blind, and then I’ll just have mammaries. I mean memories.

MO: Your promo?

BMR: I was going to do it after I bathed, but you cut that short.

MO: The Nakamura Global Conglomerate won’t stand idly by while you goof-off, Mr. Rodgers. You’ll be back in Puerto Rico getting a rectal exam from Doctor R**ist McButtplug faster than you can say, “No, not Downtown in Browntown!”

BMR: You are picking up our random slang for an** s** quite quickly Midori.

MO: I was in the p*rn industry, I made a lot of money learning how to talk dirty in English.

BMR: That’s hot and disconcerting all at once. I’m confused, I don’t know if I should pity you or feel aroused.

MO: You’ll feel sodomized if you don’t get a promo done!

BMR: Not my Fudge Chute!

MO: Hai.

BMR: I’d like to keep my butt a virgin.

MO: Then less yappin’ more trash talkin’.

BMR: Wouldn’t that be like the same thing?
[Midori flips open her phone and starts dialing a number.]

MO: Time for Lights Out!

[Bryan visibly panics, his imagination clearly taking over his reason and logic.]

BMR: Uh… uh… Eryk Starr is a…. uh… um… jerk-face! Yeah, and Flaming Bob, uh… touches himself while choking kittens… more likely than not. And as the one true American I’ll stand side to side with my legally immigrant burn victim friend and we’ll… uh… fight back the New Axis powers of Canadia and whatever hellhole Bob came from. YEAH!

MO: It’s not much.

BMR: Please don’t send me back to prison in Puerto Rico! Please! I’m too pretty! I’m like a chick, but not to them, I’m a challenge, Midori, do you understand. I challenge their man-hood, they want to claim my rectum as some sort of door prize. I have to sleep sometimes, but they can take naps cause they out number me. I’ll turn Flaming Bob into a Flaming Moe, just don’t let the Nakamura Group send me back!

MO: Good, I’m glad you finally saw reason.

[She closes the phone.]

BMR: My precious pooper, penetration free for another week.

MO: Don’t be so sure about that.

BMR: Now what?

MO: Put on the hat, we have OhNo Cola to sell.

BMR: But…

MO: But? Your butt?

BMR: Yes, ma’am.

[Brian puts on a hat that looks like a Sombrero only neon green with pink poof balls hanging from it, glitter reading OhNo Cola stretches across the brim, and Bryan picks up some maracas and follows Midori down to the lounge as the scene fades.]


[Eryk Starr sits at home. Alone. The lighting is dim and the mood is quiet, relaxed even. The music in the background is “Damaged” by Aeon Spoke. Instead of lounging about in one of his leather lazy-boys or enjoying what’s left of the sunshine on his lawnchair, he simply sits on your average stool in front of his dining table. Resting his elbow on the table and burying his cheek into his clenched up fist, he carelessly spins a mini-globe that’s placed in front of him. A bandage is secured above his left eyebrow where he suffered a gash at the hands of Bryan Rodgers at the previous show.]

ES: Who knows where I’ll end up next. Back in the sweltering heat of Arizona, or maybe that nuclear waste basket otherwise known as Hiroshima...or maybe even in the capital of the American “dream”, good ol’ Texas. I might as well use this globe here to determine my fate. Although to be honest, recent events have really pushed me off my wave of momentum...and motivation, for that matter. I’m inclined to not even show up to any of those venues and instead just spend my days in the vicinity of my own home, watching all of the Police Academies in order. Or perhaps I should take a vacation just for the heck of it.

[He spins the globe and gives it a few seconds before stopping it with his index finger and lifting it off to reveal the location: Sudan.]

ES: Uhm...best two out of three.

[Spins it again: Atlanta, Georgia. He swats the globe away and grumbles angrily.]

ES: Stupid thing. Here’s a much more amusing toy to play with.

[He brings closer what seems to be a notepad.]

ES: Word-of-the-day calendar. Haven’t done this for a few days. Let’s see here...

[Eryk starts peeling off the little stickies with written words along with pronunciations and definitions on them, reading them out aloud in the process.]

ES: Ignorance...Octogenarian...Plethora. Ah, here’s today’s word:



The ability to readily recover after disappointment or loss.

[Upon reading aforementioned definition, Eryk sits up straight. His face is lighted up with a glow like never before and a smile slowly but surely crosses his lips.]

ES: Yeah...the capacity to spring back like a professional. And that’s what I am. A professional in the purest sense of the word. I don’t lay down when the going gets tough, I find an advantage and make sure that the tough gets going soon. So I suffered my first pinfall loss for Notorious Wrestling. Big deal. It didn’t knock me off the pedestal that I earned the right to be on top of. I’m right back in the main event and across the ring from the same man who handed me said loss. I have a chance at redemption. A chance at retribution. A chance to regain my lost lustre.

I'm disappointed Bryan, I really am. I mean you were sharing the spotlight last week with NW’s biggest Starr...and lo and behold, you actually managed to come out on top- albeit via a Backslide roll-up- and what do you do? Nothing. You don’t say a word about your match. I'll take you on at Funtastick Voyage and I will prove that Death Proof II was nothing more than a fluke. I will prove that regardless of all the people you somehow manage to squeek past en route to victory, that I was by far your luckiest draw. As far as I’m concerned you had a horseshoe up your ass, you had an entire rabbit in your pocket, you have a four leaf clover tattooed on your c**ck. I don't care how it happened, but it's not happening again. I'm going to right this injustice, I am going to fix what went wrong and wipe the blemish clean from my record. I'm going to put you and your Asian b***ch down. And I'm going to make damn certain it stings.

[The confidence radiating from him, Eryk stands up from the stool only to take a seat atop the dining table.]

ES: The seeds are going to be planted come Tucson, because the Eryk Starr victory streak is going to come on back and it's going to happen with a bang. Whether it be against schmoes like that Mike Ross character, or alongside guys named Flaming Bob, I’m going to make sure no opportunity goes wasted. I’m done looking for excuses and I sure as [BLEEP] ain’t rationalizing my loss, but I am finding explanations. Maybe this time around, I won’t be so nearsighted as to have carbonated drinks poured into my eye before having the can smashed into my skull. I won’t give you the chance to get behind me in a roll-up attempt...and I’ll be sure that you’re in no condition to so much as even _look_ at your little “H8” ball and your twisted metal chair.

Like I said Bryan, I'm going to plant those seeds. I'm sure right now, you’re on the top of the world, you got your win/loss record at a hundred percent, you won two consecutive main events and you just might be thinking, "No one can beat me". I mean if I were you I'd be thinking that; you just beat NW’s best all in one night, but you know what that means Maniac? Now you get to take on a hungrier, more vengeful, more focused Eryk Starr. And I’m not alone either. I’m sure Flaming Bob would like nothing more than to assist me in knocking you off your high horse and dragging you through the mud.

One way or another Rodgers, I am going to pin you. I’m going to kill your momentum, I'm going to kill your streak and what's more; I'm going to prove to everyone what they foolishly doubt, that I _CAN_ beat you. I'm the best Bryan, you run off luck, I run off of talent. My fuel never runs out Maniac and yours has an expiry date coinciding with Funtastick Voyage. Once I prove it can be done Bryan, the sky's the limit; I’d be heading into the next show with my head in the clouds, ready to grab that spot to crown the first ever Grand Canyon Champion.

By beating the guy who currently holds the most wins in this company and handing him his first loss, there should be no question in _anybody’s_ mind that no star shines brighter than this one. And since one luxurious object deserves another, I think its only fitting that that title comes home to the Pride of Warsaw.

Oh, and Marduk?

F**k you.



“The Two F's of Life"
“My Friend Ted Kennedy, My Friend Marduk”

The following words appear on a black screen:

“Due to an unexpected tragedy in the life of Bob Muretic, there will be no promotional segment for his match at Funtastick Voyage. Instead we take you to the funeral of Senator Ted Kennedy.”

[Stock footage of people sitting out in the seats of an auditorium. Judging by the clothes and hairstyles, this footage looks as if it came from the early 1970's. The focus changes to a modern man standing behind a podium looking solemn.]

Man: “And now, I would like to bring up a man who Ted admired and called friend up to his final day. In fact, he spoke of this man in his final gasps for life... <wipes his eyes> ...Please welcome Bob Muretic.”

[Applause erupts from somewhere as the bald man steps aside and Bob Muretic, better known as Flaming Bob, steps up onto the platform with a leather covered book that says “Memories: Bob + Ted" and sets it down on the platform. His eyes are clearly red, and he wipes at them as the bald man pats him on the back and steps aside. Bob tries to talk but the crowd noise continues to overwhelm him. He lifts his hands in an earnest gesture to quiet them, but cheers and whistles only turn to chants of “Bob! Bob! Bob!" And although the crowd can't actually be seen doing this, we know they are there due to the uncontrollable enthusiasm.]

BOB: “Thank you, but this is Ted's day. Seriously. Thank you.”

[The crowd noise is suddenly cut with a snap, like someone pushing stop on a cassette tape deck.]

BOB: “Thank you. As many of you know I'm in a wrestling match this week so I had to make a special flight to get down here in time. But I wouldn't miss it for the world. Why? Because friendship means a great deal to me. Friendship. Just because this man lies in a coffin doesn't mean that our friendship has died. Maybe it would with some, but one thing that’s always been important to me is friendship! Friendship and forgiveness! The two F's of life. Any questions?"

[Bob points to a hand with hairy knuckles that raises in front of the camera.]

BOB: “You!”

Man in crowd with hairy knuckles: “Bob, does this friendship you speak of apply to everyone? What about Marduk?"

BOB: “There's no doubt about that. Marduk is about the best friend that a man could have. More faithful than any dog. But when you kick a dog enough times, he’ll start to resent you. Unfortunately I had a few bad years where I did things I'm not proud of. But that’s where the other ‘F of Life' comes in - FORGIVENESS. Dogs can forgive, so men can forgive. Marduk - hey, guess what I just realized?”

Man in crowd with hairy knuckles: “Tell me!”

BOB: “Marduk is a dog in a comic strip! Isn't that a coincidence? Any other questions?”

[Another hand - no, it's the SAME hairy hand that goes up but it's coming up from another location.]

BOB: “Go young lady!" <pointing to the hand>

Lady? in crowd with hairy knuckles: <terrible attempt at female voice> “Yes Bobby, how do you intend to get the two F's of Life across to Marduk when you have to rassle him this week on the televisioun set?"

BOB: “That's a great question, but I have an answer. The answer is that I do not intend to engage Marduk at all. He is my best friend and best friends don't punch each other or do wrestling moves on each other unless it's in the spirit of exhibition. There may be a few arm drags and headlocks in there, but don't expect any hardcore maneuvers because that’s not my style anymore, and I have no desire to bring harm to my pal."

[The top of the bald man's head can be seen moving across the bottom of the screen rapidly. After a five second pause, the crowd suddenly pops out of nowhere again and the chants of “Bob! Bob! Bob!" mixed with whistling and a few tossed undergarments.]

BOB: “Thank you, but speaking of friendships - let's not leave out my old pal Ted here. After all, it's Ted that's laying in the box before us, not Marduk."

[Once again the crowd noise snaps off.]

BOB: “Many people didn’t know that Ted Kennedy was like a brother to me. I voted for him in every senatorial election. At every other election I wrote his name in - that’s what pals do. <smiles> Just two days before he died, Ted and I were bowling up in Cheyenne, Wyoming when he turns to me and he says ‘Bob, for a pal like you I'd give as many lives as I had to give’. It moved me so much that I forgot about the 7-10 split and just hugged him like a man would hug his brother - there was nothing at all homosexual about it. I'm not into that and neither was Ted, which is why we felt secure and confident about hugging in front of so many people who began to cheer and chant our names.”

[Bob reaches into the inner pocket of his jacket and pulls out a piece of paper delicately folded, then reaches up to dry a tear.]

BOB: “I wrote this poem to Ted. It's a poem about friendship and being pals. I also wrote one very similar for Marduk, which I plan to read at his funeral, may it not happen for a very long time. Ted, this is for you.

I call you,when I need you my hearts on fire
You come to me, come to me, wild and wild

You come to me, give me everything I need
Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams
Speak the language of love like you know what it means
And it cant be wrong, take my heart and make it strong, baby

Youre simply the best, better than all the rest, better than anyone, anyone
Ive ever met!
Im stuck on your heart, I hang on every word you say
Tear us apart, baby I would rather be dead

Its the time you leave me I start losing control, youre walking away with my
Heart and my soul, I can feel you even when Im alone, oh baby dont let go!”

[Bob re-reads the poem as if he never quite realized what it said until right now. With that, he shoots a glare over at the bald guy who seems to have gotten himself tangled up in the tape of a cassette gone bad.]

BOB: “You idiot. I hope you hang yourself with... <suddenly remembers he's being filmed> ..Uhh friendship, as I was saying, is an emotion that never dies. It's like love in its strength but uhh <improvising> ...no nudity involved, obviously. Not that two strong men in a shower in a locker room is anything bad. We're not in there looking at each other. We're just getting it over with and keeping our eyes on the floor. Friends can do that. I would totally trust Marduk in the shower, I mean - Ted, Senator Kennedy. <awkward laughter> In fact, we took showers together all the time! <insane laughter> Well, I mean at country clubs after racquetball games. Never one time did he try to peek at my junk and trust me, I never peeked at his!"

[Bob's attempt to recover this eulogy becomes desperate as his face once again becomes twisted in an attempt at sobbing. With that, he darts down in front of the platform where the casket of the Senator rests. Bending over it, Bob grabs up the corpse in a desperate embrace while screaming “Teddy! Teddy you can't leave us!” The corpse is very manequin-like, as the neck does not bend, but a gray wig falls off to reveal complete baldness underneath.]

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