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[Accepted]Satoshi Aisu
Topic Started: Nov 2 2009, 11:46 PM (258 Views)
Satoshi
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Username: Jenobi
Points: 0/0
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Name: Satosh Aisu
Nicknames: Sato
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Height:5 feet 11 inches
Weight: 156 lbs
Hair: His tall spiky hair has been cut, and the white tuft that once made him stood out has disappeared. His hair is still spiky, however it is much shorter and usually unkempt. the color is black.
Eyes: His eye color varies during the seasons. During the spring and summer it is of a bright cyan color of an almost icy blue shade. However, during the fall and winter his eyes are cerulean and of a much darker shade.
Body Build: His body is leaner as well as obviously more matured in comparison to when he was seveenteen. The youth has even packed some muscle into his small frame over the years, yet does not appear to be bulky but instead toned
Traits: pale skin. A horizontal scar is clearly visible underneath his left eye
Clothing:
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Forehead Protector Around his arm.
Personality:
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Picture: N/A
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Rank: Jounin
Village: Kirigakure no Sato
Weapons: 33 senbons. They are in a a pouch attached to his hip.
Stats
  • Ninjutsu:9
  • Taijutsu: 5
  • Genjutsu:3
  • Stamina:9
  • Control: 8
  • Strength: 6
  • Speed: 9
  • Wit: 7

Jutsu Specialty: Nin/Tai
Chakra Affinity: Hyouton {Ice}
Second Chakra Affinity:Fuuton and Suiton {Wind}&{Water}
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Bloodline Limit: Hyouton Chakra Element
Jutsu:

Nin-Rank D
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Nin-Rank C
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Nin-Rank B
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Nin-A Rank
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Nin-S Rank
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History:
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Edited by Satoshi, Nov 8 2009, 05:56 AM.
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ΦHeerosato
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The Bringer of Darkness
Username: Jenobi <--- This needs to link back to your profile please.

Name: Satoshi Aisu <--- Your last name needs to link back to the clan app in the archives please.

What color is your hair?

Traits: pale skin and dark hair <--- Once you give a hair color the dark hair part is not needed.

A horizontal scar is clearly visible underneath his left eye <--- This should go under traits.

Village: Suna <--- The Aisu is from Kirigakure no Sato.

Koorisuberi (Ice Sliding) <--- This jutsu needs hand seals.

Makyō Aisu no Bunshin (Demonic Ice Clone) <---This jutsu needs hand seals. Then how many does it take to destroy this, and what rank of jutsu's? Also how far can this move away tell us with a range of stats like... 1-3 they can go this far ect... The last thing about the jutsu is how fast can the clone move?

Touketsu Sagiri [Frozen Mist] <--- Again hand seals.

Kibaku Hi (Exploding Ice) <--- Hand seals.

Their destination? Anywhere really, they went where the wind took them which led to Suna <--- Nin's just cant freely travel from villages.

After wandering what would seem like weeks, the child had came across large steel gates and was met with ANBU of Suna <--- Again village travel is a no, no.

After taking the boy in for investigation, it was decided the youth was allowed to stay in Suna <--- If a suna nin seen a kiri nin the suna nin would kill them.

There was more to his tale however, and apparently the old man had a watchful eye on Suna as well as his origins. <--- Again the travel thing.

With Sato’s birth being only known to the head of the Aisu clan whom resided in Suna and would be supportive towards his family <--- Again suna kills kiri nin's when they try to go to suna.

Sato had asked himself repeatedly on his way back to his home, Suna. <--- you know what you need to change here by now.

After that he would fall under the tutelage of a powerful Sannin within Suna. <--- The suna thing needs changed, and we dont have sannin we have bannin.

Following her death though, he would end up having a master of equal power and infamy equivalent to his previous master’s fame throughout Suna. <--- Suna thing.

Yes I know your history is long I read it, but that does not mean that you get to skip the sample post. You have to make one, and It does not have to be long if you don't want it to be. A good 5-6 sentences would work just fine.
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Satoshi
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KK fixed them.
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ΩOrius
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BOOYAH!
Name: SatoshAisu <- You should add a space there.

Weapons: 33 senbons. They are in a a pouch attached to his hip. <- Your picture has a big huge sword.

Koorisuberi (Ice Sliding) <- Travel time only. While in fight, not so much. Doubling your speed is a nono, so write it like it doesn't do that.

The rank of moves they can with stand to are up to how strong they are like for exampel a b-s can obliterrate them. Any thing lower than b would take about 2 hits to break them down a katon element will kill them. <- Grammar that, please.

mist of ice about the user. <- What? Mist = Gas/Liquid, not solid.

Taking nearly zero effort to sustain <- No.

Heightening awareness of movements about their proximity by reading movements of the mist. <- That doesn't make sense.

Prerequisite: Suiton • Yuukitai [Water Release • Viper's Breath] <- You don't have that.

however due to complications with the Asiu clan <- What complications?

It was a mystery really, but apparently the Kage reigning over Chigiri no Sato (Village of the Bloody Mist) didn’t approve. <- What? Plus, Mist is not as Bloody as it was before. It's just Kiri.

hus Sato’s family began its escape from Mizu no Kuni. Their destination? Anywhere really, they went where the wind took them which led to to back to Kiri. The missing-nins were hot on their tail unfortunately, and would eventually catch up. <- Doesn't make much sense.

Creating a Mizu Bunshin, she ordered her clone to take ahold of the young boy and take him as far as possible. <- Water clones have a VERY low range from going away from their source.

Most of the history depends on the wtf stuff from the beginning, so you'll probably need to change it.


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Satoshi
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KK i fixed what i thoguth would be a good fix. I toned the mist thingy down the demonic clones heero looke dover he said were fine so. The mist is a mist if you read carefully its ice that he creats the ice is so thin it appears to creat a mist. So thats fine the reading the chnages of th smist are if theres a shift in the mist hence soemthign steping into it he will knwo so. I made it wer eit takes chakra per post when he has it up. I chnaged the water loen tot he ice clone so.

I am sorry but IMHO I think every things fine its a nice balance not to many errors the history i killed the travelign part so realy I dotn see any thign wrong.
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ΩOrius
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BOOYAH!
I think I might just misunderstand the jutsu. Try to rephrase Touketsu Sagiri [Frozen Mist] a bit better.

Your beginning paragraph on your history still doesn't make sense. Try rewriting it.


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Satoshi
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Ok i fixed.
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ΩOrius
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BOOYAH!
K, "Heightening awareness of movements about their proximity by reading movements of the mist." <- That part still doesn't make sense.

however due to the Asiu clan they would quickly retire upon Sato’s birth. It was a mystery really, but apparently the some missing-nins did not approve of the Aisu clan. <- Missing nin wouldn't do anything to ninja in the village. Kiri, especially, since it's an island.

Thus Sato’s family began its escape from home they made in a far off farm. Their destination? Anywhere really, they went where the wind took them which led back to Kiri. <- That STILL doesn't make sense.


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Satoshi
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KK i fixed them I hope its better this time.
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ΩOrius
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BOOYAH!
Heightening the awareness of movements about their proximity by reading movements of the mist the user is able to read the changes in how the ice particals shift when some one moves throught them. <- Make that another jutsu entirely. Look at my character, Shindou, for reference.

It was a mystery really, but apparently some people did not agree with the Aisu clan. <- The clan racism in Kiri ended.

Your history still doesn't mesh. Rewrite the beginning. It doesn't make sense. You just keep changing bits and pieces. Rewrite.


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Satoshi
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KK fixed and umm the mist tech I feel is undertsandable i mean he susing chakra to read the shift in particla sof ice akak the mist so i mean its not that hard to understand.
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ΩOrius
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BOOYAH!
Read what I said, please. I said that you should split it up.


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Satoshi
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So i fixed lol.
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ΦHeerosato
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The Bringer of Darkness
1/2
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ΩOrius
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BOOYAH!
Sadend he would roam Kiri alone. <- ??? You'd be hunted and brought back. Aisu blood is important.


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Satoshi
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Fixed
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ΩOrius
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BOOYAH!


After wandering what would seem like weeks, the child had came across large steel gates and was met with ANBU of Kiri. <- Now it really doesn't make sense.


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Satoshi
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fixed sigh.
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ΦHeerosato
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The Bringer of Darkness
From what Sato could put together… Ryuu was a part of a clan that originated in Mizu no Kuni. His heart was pounding and he hadn’t felt his confused since his distorted perception of the Shinobi world. The frozen blood that flowed through his body was boiling as his head pounded in confusion, and it was as if his very soul had been lost. <-- If she was an aisu he would know her.

The boy had always been far more capable than he let on, he was capable of creating both water and ice without the need of a very large source. <- random ability

His ability using Hyouton were amazing in comparison to the other students and even some of the Gennin. <--- of corse he would be better like 90% of them probably could not use ice jutsu's

From what Sato could put together… Ryuu was a part of a clan that originated in Mizu no Kuni. His heart was pounding and he hadn’t felt his confused since his distorted perception of the Shinobi world. The frozen blood that flowed through his body was boiling as his head pounded in confusion, and it was as if his very soul had been lost. <-- If she was an Aisu he would know her.

His parents had been more than just Jounin of Kirigakure, they were hailed as legends within their clan < -- no just remove

In fact, their blood was of royalty among the clan and they were not far down the line of the clan’s successors. <--- no just remove

Now the young shinobi would fall underneath the tutelage of the mysterious Iser. The two of them would travel and explore the world, seeing many countries and small villages alike. <= He'd be looked for when they didn't find his body.

He had learned the truth behind both his past and his lineage. <-- He already knew that

Sato, would be name often talked about throughout the village. Over the past year, the matured Sato had become renown throughout the country. <- wat?

Even if the boy did lack his lineage, he would likely be capable of wielding both Suiton and Hyouton with near equal efficiency. <- No matter what he has his bloodline even if he does not know about it. So this kinda does not make since.

Lacking any physical resemblance to that of the average Kaishin, the Hyoukishi of royal blood would keep his past in obscurity. <- They are not royal remove that part.

Training with a missing nin then coming back to the village would get you killed That needs to be changed, or removed.
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Satoshi
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Sigh Fixed.
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ΩRichardUnknown
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Something Like a Phenomenon
Quoth C-box

Sato’s beginnings were rather humble. His parents had run away from their villages and went back to their home country. They were both skilled shinobi, so they knew how to hide their tracks and fake their deaths. <-- you don't run away from Kiri without being noticed <_<

The leader knowing this child can not live like this with out parents took Sato back to Kiri. <-- he'd be killed.

His ability with the clan’s ninjutsu was astounding and he was hailed as a prodigy. However, this caused other kids to be jealous of him and one day they ganged up on him. They were all mercilessly defeated and beaten. The clan then started to worry that Sato was getting too strong for them, even as a child <-- ohlol cliche much?

But their sense of honor prevented them from killing him. So they sent him on a journey out into the world and outside of Kiri. He did not mind, though he did not like the thought of leaving his freinds. And so he left. <-- wouldn't happen\

\A year later, Sato decided to go back to Kiri he knew now that his clan and family would want him to be a great ninja <-- why on earth would we take him back?
Stop trying to understand everything that happens and suddenly it all becomes clear

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Satoshi
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erased and fixed.
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βWrightJustice
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England's Justice, England's Wright, England's Power
Can you copy and paste the full bloodline please?

Kibaku Hi (Exploding Ice)
Rank: “B”
Description: Need's the rat hand seal to be held then once the user drops the seal the attack is active. Once the jutsu is initiated, any ice that the user created will explode into a barrage of ice needles which shoot outwards. Since the jutsu follows the same concept of “Flying Water Needles”, it is required in order to be capable of properly performing the technique.
<---- Does this mean that jutsu is required? If so you need to put it as a prerequisite under the name.

He is cousin to Sato and was raised to view him as a brother. <--- I'm confused here is this a different Sato or what? o.o I don't understand who is cousin to sato

Sato from an early age demonstrated great skill in his Clan’sarts <---- space required between Clan's and arts :P

line of the branch family <---- Aisu doesn't have branch families.

have due to a broken leg <---- Were did this spring from?

Please expand your history, there is no explaination as to when he became chuunin or jounin.
Edited by WrightJustice, Nov 8 2009, 05:31 AM.
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[Genin • Iwagakure no Sato • Nezumi, ShiroKajirune • Missions: S:0 A:0 B:0 C:2 D:1 • Socials: 1 • S-Training: 1]
[Jounin; SSM • Kirigakure no Sato • Shinwa, RowanSpirit of the Trent • Missions: S:0 A:2 B:1 C:0 D:0 • Socials: 4]
[Genin • Sunagakure no Sato • Kiborijin, Futegai
Enjinkouhei • Missions: S:0 A:0 B:0 C:0 D:0 • Socials: 1]
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Satoshi
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Fixed
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βWrightJustice
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England's Justice, England's Wright, England's Power
1/2
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[Genin • Iwagakure no Sato • Nezumi, ShiroKajirune • Missions: S:0 A:0 B:0 C:2 D:1 • Socials: 1 • S-Training: 1]
[Jounin; SSM • Kirigakure no Sato • Shinwa, RowanSpirit of the Trent • Missions: S:0 A:2 B:1 C:0 D:0 • Socials: 4]
[Genin • Sunagakure no Sato • Kiborijin, Futegai
Enjinkouhei • Missions: S:0 A:0 B:0 C:0 D:0 • Socials: 1]
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ΦHeerosato
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The Bringer of Darkness
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