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http://www.bobleesays.com/archives/all/Quick,-Cue-The-Midget.aspx

Quick, Cue The Midget

.... We're missing the boat. The highest profile judicial circus in America since OJ in our backyard and local hucksters are asleep at the wheel. BobLee comes to the rescue with a whizbang master plan to maximize the “economic impact” of Carnivale de Nifong. Call Hill Carrow, Jim Goodmon, Roger Krupa, even Stan Van Etton …. THIS IS BIG!

Why didn’t I think of this a week ago …. Drat! How often does a community have advance warning that it will be THE epicenter of global pop-news for a week? We all knew Carnivale de Nifong was kicking off this week and no one even ordered a balloon arc or printed up t-shirts. But it’s not too late.

(snip)

This whole Nifong Trial is like a Dodge City Hanging circa 1880. Folks would come from miles around to be on hand for the festivities. Ladies wearing their fanciest bonnets, men waxing their mustaches and polishing their boots … kids get out of school. Even the animals sense the excitement. …. We can do all that right here and now.

But back then they didn’t have “streaming video” where one can sit at home in one’s cut-offs and dirty t-shirt and watch the goings-on on a monitor and chortling and giggling when the fancy lawyers say “pubic” …. Hehehe. But there’s nothing quite like “being there”.

As soon as Mayor Meeker issues my permit for a Street Fair we are shutting down Fayetteville Street (Not Again! That was a bad idea 30 years ago. Its OK, its just for a few days.).

There will be concessions, games, exhibits, face painting, even a petting zoo with members of Duke’s Gang of 88 crawling around in neoprene unitards for the kiddies to get a picture with. We are encouraging any Triangle-area organization with a clever idea or who simply despises the N&O to show up and take part.

Specific exhibits already scheduled include:

The Brodhead Bus Toss …. With an actual Greyhound bus on-site, you can pretend you are Duke’s Spineless Prez Richard Brodhead. Mannequins dressed as Duke Lacrosse players and Coach Mike Pressley will be available. Three throws for $1.00 …. You get to try and toss a Duke Lacrosser “under the bus”.

The Line-Up .... a for-real Derm law officer will show you "mug shots" of Larry, Moe, Curly, Shemp,Rosie O'Donnell, Fatty Arbuckle, Rin Tin Tin and Mikey Nifong. You have to pick out which one was actually elected to a public office in America in 2006. You get three guesses since it is Derm we're talking about.

The Pots & Pans Band …. The Roguemont Volunteer Fire Dept has formed a Pots & Pans Band. Using the actual “pots and pans” that were used by the goggle-eyed loonies last April, the Roguemont guys will play a medley. The public can bring their own cookware and join in.

Find Former Nifongs .... Contestants are given phone books of Americas Top 100 cities and thirty minutes to find as many "former Nifongs" as possible. People once named "Nifong" who have legally changed their name out of embarrassment. Mikey's wife and son now officially referred to as "those poor souls" do not count in the total.

The Ultimate Kama Sutra ….. The UNC Med School has furnished several anatomically correct blow-up dolls of a 28 year-old African American “exotic dancer”. Contestants in teams of three enter a phone booth with the life-size doll. They then select one of Precious’ 20+ assorted accounts of “what happened that night”. The three man team tries to physically recreate what she described. Contestants must furnish a chiropractor’s verification that they are double-jointed and not allergic to penicillin. …. If unable to “do it” contestants may opt to list at least 46 street euphemisms for male and female genitalia that appear in the official bar hearing transcripts.

The N&O Dunking Booth …. My fave! The “damn N&O’s” crackerjack tabloid muckrakers will be sitting over a shark tank. Contestants are shown an actual racial/class warfare inflammatory quote from the paper between April 1, 2006 and sometime in late Fall including the famous “honor student, single mother of two(or three), navy hero and great American ….” glamour shot half-page “Meet The Poor Innocent Victim” story. If you pick which arrogant N&Oer wrote which inflammatory pack of lies you get to knock them off their perch with a rolled-up paper ….. for an extra $1 you are shown pictures of “big fancy houses owned by rich white people” on Long Island. If you can guess the market value of the “big fancy house” within $100,000 you get to “hurl an epithet” at your least favorite N&Oer. NOTE: Barry Saunders will only be available from 9:00 – 9:15. ….. Proceeds from this booth will go to the Wake County Diversity Shelter for Homeless Albanian Elves.

What’s My Line ….. Duke’s infamous Gang of 88 will operate this one. Members of “the gang” will come out on stage in groups of eight. Buy a chance and you get to try and pick out which one MIGHT have been a heterosexual within the past decade. For an extra dollar you try and pick out which one, if any, has ever had “a real job”. Unlike the Derm police line-up, this line-up will not be rigged nor will Rin Tin Tin be included.

Of course there will be an array of concessions and souvenirs stands.

Actual calculators like the one used by Kim The Embezzler in stealing $25,000 from her Derm employer before she “became famous”.

Bumper Stickers and Tees galore ……

“Nifong – The Ultimate Lawyer Joke”
“My Folks Went To Derm But Just Bought Me These DNA-stained Panties”
“I’m An N&O Subscriber, Someone Tell Me What REALLY Happened?”
"Fire Nifong - Hire Buddy Hackett"
“Nifong = Derm’s N-word”
“Don’t Blame Me – I Live In Garner”
“Yo Momma Works For Bunny Hole”
“Even Algore Is Smarter Than Mikey”
“WELCOME TO DERM – DUCK!”
...…. And my favorite ….
“Remember Derm’s Good Ol’ Days – When All We Were Ashamed of Was Duke Football! (and 200+ murders each year)”

(snip)

The Bar Honcho will announce that:

Mikey will be Derm's DA for Life ….. BUT

Derm has been unincorporated as a municipality

and converted into a Theme Park.

Mikey will be the fictitious DA, Victoria Peterson will be Emperess, and Krazy Cuzzin Jackee will be Provost.

All 328 “normal people” currently living in Derm have 72 hours to relocate after which a 27 story plexiglass bubble will be erected over the entire county and its remaining residents.