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Plan 8 from Outer Space; for Ed Wood fans at the Academy Awards
Topic Started: Mar 7 2010, 11:37 PM (194 Views)
Quasimodo

(found in the garage of a retired Duke prof, an original piece of work by a Duke undergrad, which was so startling in its implications that all copies were destroyed and all records of the student's attendance at Duke removed. What follows are the only
known notes of the original work: )

presented here in honor of the Academy Awards Presentation...


Plan 8 from Outer Space
an original screenplay by Edward Wood, Jr.
Trinity Senior

[TITLE: "Criswell Predicts..."]

CRISWELL
And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on
that fateful day. We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret
testimonies of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The
incidents, the places, my friend we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us
punish the guilty, let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand
the shocking facts?


[TITLE SEQUENCE]

[TO BUCHANAN ST.]

CRISWELL
The police, lead by Inspector Daniel Clay, arrive at the scene.

CLAY
You get their statement?

PATROLMAN LARRY
Yeah, much as we could. They're pretty looped.

CLAY
Finding a mess like this oughta make anyone looped. Look at the trash cans! Have one of the boys take the dancer back to town. You take charge.

PATROLMAN LARRY
It's tough to find something when you don't know what you're looking for.

CLAY
I don't think the CHIEF does either.

PATROLMAN LARRY
Then what're doing out here? I was off duty an hour ago.

CLAY
Ah don't ask me any questions. I'm just a hardhat just like you. Headquarters wants this investigation to turn up something.

PATROLMAN LARRY
Yeah I hadn't thought of that. I guess that's why you're a detective lieutenant
and I'm still a uniformed cop.

CLAY
Sometimes it's only the breaks, kid.

[PAULA AND JEFF TRENT ARE SITTING ON THE PATIO NEXTDOOR]

PAULA
That's the fifth siren in the last hour.

JEFF
Oh, something's happened next door. A lot of police cars and lights.
I stopped but I didn't see much. Oh well, whatever it is, the Indy
will be certain to carry the whole story.

PAULA
What happened, Jeff?

JEFF
I saw a flying saucer.

PAULA
A saucer? You mean the kind from up there?
Did you report it?

JEFF
Yeah. Then as soon as we landed, big army brass grabbed us and made us swear to
secrecy about the whole thing. It’s that Duke research project. Oh, it burns me up. These things have been seen for years. The Dukies are here, it's a fact. And the public oughta know about it.

PAULA
There must be something more you can do about it.

JEFF
Oh no there isn't. Oh, but what's the point of making a fuss. Last night I saw a
flying object that couldn't possibly exist. And then, there were people who were in two places at one time. But I can't say a word. I'm muzzled by army brass! I can't even admit I saw the thing!

[SEQUENCE IN WHICH UFOs FLY OVER DURHAM, AND PEOPLE GET SCARED. COL. EDWARDS LOOKS THROUGH HIS BINOCULARS AS STOCK
FOOTAGE SHOWS MEN FIRING LARGE ROCKETS THAT WHEN FIRED AT THE UFOs
SEEM TO BE NO MORE THAN FIRECRACKERS.]

EDWARDS
Well, Duke must have a reason for these visits.

ARMY GUY
Visits? Those Dukies really are from out-of-town, aren't they?
Is anti-aircraft fire the usual way of welcoming visitors?

EDWARDS
For a time we tried to contact them by radio, but no response. Then they
attacked Trinity Park. A small street, I'll admit. But nevertheless a street full of people.
People who were traumatized by their noise and wildness.


ARMY GUY
I never heard about that Sir.

EDWARDS
Well, it was covered up by the higher echelon.

CAPTAIN
Looks like they’ve left for now, sir.

EDWARDS
Yeah. I wonder what their next move will be.

CRISWELL
What will their next move be?

[INSIDE SPACESHIP]

MESSENGER
Your space commander has returned from Earth.

RULER
Send him in.

[TWO DUKIES ENTER, WEARING THE LAB PROTOCOL OUTFITS AND CARRYING STICKS WITH SMALL NETS ATTACHED]

RULER
You have your report? What progress has been made?

DUKE # 1
We contacted government officials. They refuse to respond.

RULER
What plan will you follow now?

DUKIE # 2
Plan 9. It's absolutely impossible to work through these Earth creatures.

RULER
Plan 9...ah yes. Long-distance photons shot into the smaller pituitarious glands of government bureaucrats. Have you attempted any of this plan as yet?

DUKIE # 1
Yes Excellency.

RULER
How successful has it been?

(snip)

[GENERAL ROBERTS PLAYS THE RECORDING FROM OUTER SPACE]
VOICE ON RECORDING
This is Waheema, a liberation soldier from a planet of your galaxy. I fully realize our
language differences, however I also know you finally have perfected the
bullobitiary, or as you on Earth put it, the language computer. So you can now
understand that which I speak. It has taken you centuries to even grasp what we
were able to grasp at once. Permit me to set your mind at ease. We do not want to conquer your planet. Only save it. Our principal purpose is friendly. I admit, we have
had to take certain means which you might refer to as criminal. If
you persist in denying us our landings, then we must only accept that you do
not want us on friendly terms. We then have no alternative but to destroy you
before you destroy us. With your ancient, juvenile minds, you have developed
improper thoughts which will have to be re-educated. You are on
the verge of destroying the entire universe. We are part of that universe. This
is our last -


GENERAL ROBERTS
That's the end of that one. Atmospheric conditions in outer space often
interfere with transmitting.

COL. EDWARDS
Do you think they mean business?

GENERAL ROBERTS
We can't afford to take any chances.

[OUTSIDE BUCHANAN HOUSE CAR PULLS UP WITH LT. HARPER, KELTON, AND COLONEL EDWARDS]

LT. HARPER
Colonel would like to ask you a few questions.

JEFF
Questions? What about, Colonel?

COL. EDWARDS
I want to ask you about your strange experience the other night, when you saw
the flying saucer.

JEFF
After that the police brought me home. I hope I never hear so much noise again.

COL. EDWARDS
Well after your description I don't think I'd want to hear it either. One thing
more...after you were forced to the ground by that blast of wind, what else did you see?

JEFF
It's kind of hard to explain. You see, there were two of them... I mean, there was one of them,
but he was in two places at the same time. Do you understand?

LT. HARPER
The multiple-location multiplier!

COL. EDWARDS
This is the most fantastic story I've ever heard.

JEFF
And every word of it's true, too.

COL. EDWARDS
That's the fantastic part of it.

LT. HARPER
We found a lot of suspicious things around this house. Then again, we didn't
find anything to base a fact or suspicion on. What happened after that?

JEFF
Something started stinking awful bad.

LT. HARPER
Colonel I've been out here so often you'd think I'd taken a lease on this place.

COL. EDWARDS
Not a long lease, I hope.

LT. HARPER
It’s too small. Only a bath and a half. But you know, I can't help but feel the answer's out here
somewhere.

COL. EDWARDS
Is the uh girl safe?

LT. HARPER
We’ve got her hidden in another part of town.

COL. EDWARDS
That’s good.

LT. HARPER
Look, Colonel, I'm a policeman. I've got to deal in facts. Right now, we just haven’t got any facts. But, I guess I'll have to go along with you. You know I bet my badge right now we haven't seen the last of those Dukies.

(SNIP)

[FIGHT BREAKS OUT]

[SHIP, FIGHT STILL GOING ON]

COL. EDWARDS
Get out of here, Jeff! The ship's on fire!

[THE MEN RUN OUT OF THE SHIP]

LT. HARPER
Oh, I wonder if that's the last we'll see of them?

COL. EDWARDS
Perhaps, but sooner or later there'll be others.

LARRY
Look!

PAULA
Have they caught that woman yet?

[SHIP BLOWS UP]

[BACK TO CRISWELL]

CRISWELL
My friend, you have seen this incident based on sworn testimony. Can you prove
that it didn't happen?
Perhaps on your way home, you will pass someone in the
dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from Duke. They will be in two places at the same time. Many scientists believe that this is possible. We once
laughed at the horseless carriage, the aeroplane, the telephone, the electric
light, vitamins, radio, and even television! And now some of us laugh at these latest experiments. God help us... in the future.

The End
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