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The art of losing;; Isn't hard to master - Aeson
Topic Started: Jul 22 2015, 05:31 PM (234 Views)
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Dittany


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her steps fell as delicately as ever, her poise even over the uneven ground allowed her to travel almost silently through the softly-lit forest. Her almost snow-white strands billowed around her golden form as a breeze wove its way through the surrounding timbers. The air was warm and richly scented, a sure sign that summer was on its way – a season that the Kathiawari looked forward to. The temperatures here didn’t get anywhere near those that she and her kind were accustomed to, but she always felt more comfortable in the warmth.

That said, the mare wasn’t at her best. She wouldn’t necessarily admit to it, nor would she willing allow her demeanour to betray it, but she was nervous. The Kathiawari had taken a huge leap of faith not all that long ago and now had to come to terms with the consequences. And she had to enlighten Aeson. It had taken years for the golden mare to put even a little trust in the stallion; he was the only one that she’d ever spoken to about the events that led to their paths crossing, though even then the details had been beyond vague. Yet still the striped stallion had been patient and kind to her, taking the regal mare into his care and treating Thea almost as if she were his own daughter. Looking back, Dittany knew that she had probably come across as ungrateful, yet that was far from the truth. Perhaps, at the time, she hadn’t been able to really appreciate everything that Aeson had done and given up in order to help a stranger. Someday, Dittany might find a way to express her gratitude.

Prime’s dappled light sifts through the shifting boughs overhead, illuminating the mare’s path in a soft light. Curled lobes flick around as the mare walks, her nasals flaring on occasion as she tries to track down the stripped stallion. Dittany had been trying to steadily integrate herself back into the herd; not quite ready to meet the claimed mares, the Kathiawari had been keeping to clearings within the woodland – just about out of sight, yet still able to hear and scent the other equines here as they passed by. Not so long ago a pair of mares had passed by, their words mostly muffled, but one clearly commenting on Aeson. It hadn’t taken much imagination to come to the conclusion that the stallion had recently received some devastating news. It was empathy, more so that her own news, which drove the palomino to seek out Aeson now. She knew what it like to lose a loved one – or more than one in her case – but, as anxious as she was, Dittany couldn’t hide away when she knew of the suffering that the striped stallion was enduring.

Time seemed to stand still in the woodlands with Prime hidden from view, but it didn’t take the maiden long to track down her quarry. He stood at the side of a brook, facing away from her, but evidently staring off into the distance and absorbed in his thoughts. Dittany paused briefly, velvety nasals flaring slightly as she took a steadying breath, her posture still regal yet softened somewhat from her usual stance. The maiden approaches quietly, coming to a halt alongside the male though she was careful to leave a fair distance between them. Curled lobes remain pointing forwards as she joined Aeson in gazing out to the treeline on the opposite side of the brook, her voice soft yet solemn when she speaks. “I know that there’s nothing I, or anyone else, can say to make it any less painful.” The Kathiawari’s gaze drops, her own grief coming to the surface as she struggled to keep it in check. She had lost so much so quickly and, even now, she had yet to really come to terms with it. Yet she kept it under control, doing her utmost to focus more on the moment, rather than dwelling on the past.

Her gaze shifts to Aeson, her head turning slightly towards the malewhile remaining conscious of his personal space. He had a kind hear, but grief could change a horse. For all she knew, he wanted to be alone and her intrusion may not even be welcome. Despite that thought, the palomino continues, trying to convey her sincerity through her voice. “But – I am sorry for your loss, and you have my deepest condolences.” A soft, saddened sign rolls through the maiden’s lungs, her gaze moving to the water which tricked over smoothened pebbles along the brook. Silence was allowed to linger between the pair, Dittany knew that retreating to allow the stallion to grieve may well be the best option, but she hesitated. Aeson had been patient with her; the very least she could do was offer him the same courtesy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ariadne Dittania Lasithi Minoa



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[justify=400]LET ME OUT OF THIS DREAM
I don’t…I don’t understand.

I feel…hollow. Like the cavity of my chest has been carved and sliced free of its bone and flesh, the wounds left raw and bleeding. Like a whittler does to his wood, incredibly careful and measured in his details, chipping away until every last centimeter of surface has been scalded of imperfection, so have I been engraved (not with designs of beauty or grace, but with rugged caverns of jagged edges, sharp with memories that stab again and again with each recollection). Even so, this hollowness, somehow, is not empty—and oh how I wish it were empty!—but the pain is still there. Swelling, festering, blistering, and throbbing…it is still there.

Leave me! I have cried, begged, and pleaded until my throat is sore and parched from my futile efforts. It is useless, I know this, but I cannot give up. From somewhere in the darkness of my caverns I find a rage, so deep and black, unknown to me, but I grapple at it with fumbling fingers. I do not know how to control such a fury, fed and thriving on the pain of my own agony, and I submit to its ferocity as I descend further into its black, writhing madness. From these depths I continue to cry, forlorn and stubborn in my foolishness, pushing away from the misery that has me trapped in its anger.

Leave me alone!

But it will not leave. Perhaps there is some small part of me—unconscious and involuntary—that clings to this fire of pain and woe. Why? I would even demand of myself were I aware of it, snarling and wounded. Because, it makes me feel…well that’s just it, isn’t it? It makes me feel. And this emotion, as much as I hate it, is the only connection that I feel remains of my dearest sister. The pain and her daughter keep her alive.

Her daughter. Harrier.

Oh how blessed it is that she has not been completely lost!

The girl’s existence—in light of these tragedies—has brought my own mortality to the forefront of my mind. I have pondered death and its meaning, its nothingness, and I wonder what will be left of me for those to cling to when I am gone. (Will there be anyone to care?) And I worry, as I do now, that I have not given them enough. Death…mortality…pain…they weigh heavily across my shoulders until I fear I must collapse beneath their burden.

How long must I stand beneath their laden weight?

I sigh heavily, the breath of a groan moaning against my lips, and I lower my head in defeat. It is only then, from the corner of my eye, that I notice her company—the golden mare, so petite and regal, standing quietly at my side. I had not expected to see her so soon…but perhaps that had been a foolish, naïve assumption. I give no acknowledgement to her initial statement but a flicking of my ear. After all, she is right—I am certain that nothing can be done to heal me now. I am too far gone. I neither welcome her companionship nor reject it…I don’t know which would be best. “Thank you, Dittany,” I murmur, my voice low and rough with the effect of emotion, nearly monotone with my attempt to suppress it.


;; aeson
rowan x siason || ten || neutral


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Dittany


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He remains polite, even now but it’s very clear that he’s not himself. Normally, the stallion would have offered a greeting at the very least. His words were few and came almost reluctantly, quiet and lacking tone. Suffering seemed to radiate from Aeson and his words were so out of character that the Kathiawari nearly took it as a polite request for her to leave him alone with his thoughts. Dittany knew of the pain that came from losing a loved one, and the agony was not something she’d wish upon any equine. That said, her own experience didn’t make it any easier for her to help Aeson. Equines dealt with grief in very different ways and even the individual might not know how to deal with it.

Pale strands flicked away some buzzing insect that was irritating the mare before falling still again. She stood, quietly, a short way from the striped stallion, her gaze directed at the rippling water. How could she help this stallion, when she still mourned for her family? She had never come to terms with losing them, or the circumstances that lead to their untimely deaths. Her entire life had transformed in a second and to say that the mare dealt with the situation poorly would be an understatement. Shock, fear, anger and a whole cocktail of other emotions had overwhelmed the mare and the only way she retained her sanity was to shut out the world as best she could. It was a defence mechanism, but she’d suffered for it. Worst of all, Thea had suffered.

What the golden maiden felt for her daughter was complicated. She wasn’t fell completely indifferent to the young bay, but she had found it nearly impossible to form any sort of a bond with her first-born. That wasn’t to say that she didn’t care about Thea. She was ashamed of the fact that she’d been such a poor mother to the filly and she wished that she could make it up to her … but she didn’t know how. And she couldn’t see past the link between Thea and the loss of her past life. Perhaps, one day, Dittany might find a way to make amends.

How she struggled with the upbringing of Thea played a large part in the golden mare’s nervousness now, though she didn’t allow it to show. But things would be different this time – for a start, it had been her idea. Her environment was completely different, she wasn’t going to be expected to lead a herd she was new to and, most significantly, Still wasn’t the sire.

***

Time was intangible; hours might have passed by or it could have been just minutes, but neither equine had moved or spoken since their initial interaction. Aeson stood at the edge of the Kathiawari’s peripheral vision and it was quite clear that he was as wrapped up in his own thoughts as the maiden had been. A soft breath expands the palomino’s lungs, it was impossible to know what would help the stallion – whether she should leave or stay or try to get him to talk. One thing she did know what this wasn’t the right time to share her news. It wouldn’t be fair. She could wait, but she also knew that she couldn’t keep him in the dark for long, especially since it wouldn’t be too long now before it started to show. And that was no way for him to find out.

Another moment of hesitation, her gaze still unfocused but directed at the water. Her jaws parted, the words gentle and solem as they left her lips. “My kin used to believe that, before we pass on, we get an opportunity to pause and look back on the life we lived.” It was agony to recount anything of her old life, but she kept her tones soft and low as she continued hesitatntly. “We get to review every deed - good or bad, great or small - and see the effect it had on the world. We get to acknowledge our flaws and learn to be at peace with them. We can put aside all the worries and fears that plagued us while we lived ...” Silvery forelock slid forward over the mare’s eyes as her head lowered slightly, a soft steadying breath taking before she could continue. “Most importantly, they believed that we get the chance to realise just how much we are loved, and that we will be remembered.” It was why she couldn’t forget, why she couldn’t get over the loss of her family and herd. She was the only one left, the only one left who could remember any of them – and she couldn’t let them be forgotten.

A lump had built up in the maiden’s throat, though she did her best to clear it. Getting upset over her own troubles wasn’t going to help Aeson. Several moments passed before the mare composed herself enough to speak, her head raised gently and her gaze re-focused a little. “It doesn’t ease the pain, Aeson. But there is some comfort to be found in the belief that they know just how much they meant to us.” Hazel eyes flicked over to the striped stallion, his form still and unmoving. She hadn’t expected a response, she didn’t need one, but she took this as a sign that he needed time alone with his thoughts.

Dittany took a measured step towards the male, intending to brush her muzzle very gently and briefly against shoulder in the hopes that physical contact might comfort him in some way. But she had to pause. Her head dipped and lids closed over her hazel eyes as the world seemed to spin wildly around her. It wasn’t the first time she’d felt light-headed, so she stays calm and still until the sensation started to pass.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ariadne Dittania Lasithi Minoa


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[justify=450]LET ME OUT OF THIS DREAM
It isn’t my intention to ignore her. I don’t want to.

It just kind of…happens.

And that’s the last thing I need right now, right? Considering what things had happened the last time we had been with one another…intimate things…that, even I know in my great wealth of inexperience, shouldn’t be followed by avoidance. I’ve been told it only brings drama. But even as I try to shake myself out of this haze of pain and grief, I cannot force from myself much more than a glance in her direction, or a fluttering along my lips that should have been a smile. I feel pathetic, and angry with myself for acting this way—especially now—but I can’t bring myself to care.

Fortunately, it is the golden mare that rises now. She does not shun or rebuke me for my…utterly pathetic behavior, instead venturing down a route that we have yet to travel before now. How long have I known her? Years? And yet I know nothing about her other than her name. And the fact that she had a child, of course, but how she came to be a lone mother and on her own in the first place? Or even who the father was? No idea. But I don’t really care to know any of that anyway…she’s been kind enough and I don’t see the need to press any further.

So to have her mention the beliefs of her kin is a distractingly delightful surprise. I ponder on her words for a long moment, heavy and brooding beneath the weight of my sorrow, staring out across the glassy waters as if their depths could absorb all of me. It is the Kathiawari’s movement that rouses me from my dull reverie, and I turn my head a little in her direction after a long breath.

“Thank you, Dittany. That means a lot for you to say that,” I try again at a smile, and perhaps I’m a little more successful this time, but it falls too quickly for me to notice. “I would like to believe what your kin do—that she knows now how much she was loved, how much of her goodness had effected the world. Had effected me,” I pause, inhaling a heavy breath through my nostrils and closing my eyes in a long blink. Papi had been…so incredibly important to me. She made me who I am. Without her, I likely still would be sequestering myself somewhere…being a hermit to its fullest.

But here I am.

I flick my tail and shift my weight a little, agitated, as though I remove this burden from myself. “She was so good—the purest heart I knew of anyone. She only wanted the best for the people around her…never thought about herself,” this time I really smile—not very much, but it is wistful and fleeting in its relief. “I wish you could have met her,” I manage to look Dittany in the eye for a short moment, sure that they would have been friends. Papi had been friends with everyone.

“It makes me wonder…” my features fall again, empty and woeful, my brow knitting together in the anxiety that manages to wriggle through the chaos. Like I need more to deal with. “…It makes me worry about what I will leave behind. What I might get to look back on,” I take a long and shuddering breath, my gaze falling again to the waters—avoiding my reflection. I don’t want to see the heartache there. I already have enough to face.


;; aeson
rowan x siason || ten || neutral


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Dittany


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The light-headedness soon passes, the sensation fading as the world’s spinning seemed to slow and eventually came to a gentle halt. Lids open again and the Kathiawari gingerly returns to a more upright posture, hoping not to induce another episode. Thankfully, Aeson hadn’t noticed, but it also meant that Dittany had missed some of the words he’d just spoken. Curled lobed twist forwards to catch his dialog, just about focusing enough in time to hear him speak about the mare he’d lost. Dittany wasn’t sure of what relation this mare had been, or even her name, but it was very evident that she meant the world to Aeson. And so the Kathiawari remains quiet, save for the soft swish of her tail as it flicked occasionally around her hocks.

It was heartening to see the stallion’s features brighten a little as he speaks about her and how selfless she had been. It was even a little surprising, if not puzzling, to Dittany when he stated that he’d wished that they had met. Knowing how much this mare meant to him, and how painful it was to have lost her … why would he want Dittany to meet with her? Dittany … who had said hardly a word in the years she’d lived here, had lingered on the outskirts of the herd and avoided all contact where physically possible. Did he really think that she’d have been worthy enough to meet this mare with a pure heart? Hazel eyes catch the stallion’s gaze for the briefest of moments before dipping to the ground, trying to drink in the meaning behind the words.

She is distracted from her own thoughts after a few moments though, her curled lobes flicking back to the stripped male as his tone changes again. His demeanour had changed completely, his body seeming to physically drop under the weight of grief and hopelessness. It pained even the golden mare to see Aeson like this, even more so when he voiced his doubts. Dittany’s brow furrowed – confused and concerned that he seemed so blind to his own virtues. The mare takes a very small step towards the striped stallion, though she doesn’t attempt to reach out and touch him this time. “What of everything you’ve done for me? For Eidothea?” Her tone was gentle, yet with a subtly firm undertone. She knew that she owed so much to this stallion and it made the golden mare uncomfortable to think that Aeson thought so little of his own deeds. “You have shown me unwavering patience, kindness and caring, yet asked for nothing in return. You’ve shown me respect though I’d done nothing to earn it. And I …” She hesitated. And when she spoke again, her voice had softened even further, humbled. “… I couldn’t have kept Thea without you.”

Dittany had been in a very dark place around time that Thea had been born. She had considered – more than just considered, even planned to leave the helpless newborn behind in the Quarry. And again, when she got back to the Towers, she had half hoped that she could have left the filly and simply forgotten the crimes of her sire. It had been Aeson’s gentle encouragement and unconditional acceptance which had led her to raise Thea herself. The fact that she had been such a poor mother was Dittany’s fault alone … but Aeson was the reason that the youngster knew her dam at all.

Drawing herself out of her own thoughts, the Kathiawari moves her gaze back to the stallion who stood a short distance away. A soft breath brushes past her own nasals as she tries to collect her own thoughts. “You will leave behind a legacy, Aeson, and you will be remembered. I don’t doubt that.” Perhaps she should take this opportunity to tell the stallion just how sure of his legacy that she was … but, it didn’t seem quite right yet. She wasn’t sure when would be right … it wasn’t as if she’d ever told Still, so this was new territory for the palomino. But she knew it didn’t seem appropriate now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ariadne Dittania Lasithi Minoa



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