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| Being Us; Erm....kind of random musings?! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 28 2009, 12:17 PM (435 Views) | |
| Sinead | Nov 28 2009, 12:17 PM Post #1 |
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Note exactly sure how to describe this - it's just kind of random musings from Oliver & Kyle, no real plot or anything. Basically just me rambling! Anyway hope you enjoy :grin: Oh and sorry about the shifting tenses, i never notice I'm doing that until I read it back and then was too lazy to fix it :dunno: OLIVER I watch Kyle sleeping. His face is turned into the pillow and his breath comes in deep sighs. A smile flits across his face every now and again and I wonder what he’s dreaming about. Is he dreaming about me, about us? My finger traces a path from his forehead along his cheek to his chin and he smiles again in his sleep. I don’t know how long I’ve been lying here watching him but time has no meaning anymore. Not when I’m with him. I remember those mornings in college when I would wake before him and look down at him sleeping beside me. I remember how my heart would fight with my head; my heart leaping at the feel of him beside me, my head screaming at me to leave; to run. I’d never known such happiness and such terror all at the same time. It makes it all the more special now; that I can lie here beside him without those voices screaming in my head. My breath catches, as it often does, when I think about how close I came to losing him. We’ve only been officially together for a few months but I almost can’t remember a time before it. After everything we’d been through being a couple seemed to just happen automatically. We had completely opposite schedules; he worked a lot of early mornings against my mostly late night shifts. Sometimes we barely saw each other all week. We weren’t officially living together but he spent most nights at my place. I usually slept right through his 5am alarm but the feel of him moving from my arms always woke me slightly. I’d grab at him as I felt him move away and every morning he kissed me lightly on the nose telling me he had to get up for work. He was always sound asleep when I got back from work, usually in the early hours of the morning. I’d become a master of creeping around in the dark, trying not to wake him as I got into bed. I never had the energy to do more than kiss him gently on the forehead. Without waking he always seemed to know that I was there and he’d wrap his arms around me, fitting himself to my body. That was how I fell asleep every night, with him wrapped in my arms, lulled to sleep by the steady beat of his breathing against my chest. It wasn’t perfect. Our routines were exhausting and we didn’t get to spend half as much time together as we wanted. We tried to leave the past behind us and to start afresh but it was easier said than done. There was so much history and even though I knew Kyle loved me sometimes I’d catch a look in his eye or on his face and I knew that he still wasn’t certain. He still couldn’t fully trust that I wasn’t going to hurt him again. I guess I thought that it was something that would go away with time. There were no words to reassure him. He just needed time to trust me fully again; time to understand that I wasn’t going anywhere. And then just last week we were sitting on the sofa in my living room. Kyle had some huge medical textbook open in his lap, his brow furrowed as he read through it. I was aimlessly flicking through the tv channels, my arm wrapped around his shoulder. And I’m trying to distract him even though I know he has to study. But we have a whole evening to ourselves and I want to spend it with him; not him and his textbook. Anyway I’m moving my fingers softly below his ear; tickling him gently just on that spot I know makes him melt. “Quit it Oliver,” he snaps, shrugging his shoulder to move my arm. “I told you I had to study.” And I’m just about to turn to him with my most pleading expression when my phone rings. He shoots me a smirk as I fumble to grab it out of my pocket and I groan when I see the name flashing on the screen. Home. I know he feels me stiffen because he looks up at me curiously and I move away from him as I press the accept button. Dad stays on the phone for just the requisite minute, his duty done. We’ve become experts at avoiding the elephant in the room; talking about everything but the screamingly obvious and after an awkward minute of conversation he puts Mom on. She’s babbling away about some local cake sale she’s organizing and I meet Kyle’s eyes, rolling mine as I make a chatterbox sign with my hand. He smiles at me before burying his nose in the book again. And then she asks about Christmas and I tense. Kyle and I have talked about it and he knows that I have to go home for the holidays. But I’ve promised to come back for New Year’s so we can start the new year together. But Mom’s talking about some New Year’s Eve ball she’s organizing and she’s asking if I want her to rent a tux for me. My mind is in overdrive and I don’t realize she’s finished talking until I hear a sharp “Oliver,” down the line. “New Year’s Eve?” I croak out without thinking and Kyle’s head immediately snaps up. And when my eyes meet his I see that look again. It has fear, sadness and love all mingled in one, if that’s even possible. Sadness that I won’t tell her about us and fear that the reason I won’t is because I’m still hedging my bets on him. There’s a long moment where we just look at each other. I know he would never push me to do something before I’m ready; he always waits for me. And this time is no different. There’s no question in his face; no pressure to tell my Mom. It makes me fall a little bit more in love with him. I clear my throat and hold his gaze as I speak to my Mom. “Kyle and I are spending New Year’s Eve together,” I say quietly and I’m shaking; not because of what I’m saying but because of the tenderness that I see on Kyle’s face as I speak. The fear and sadness is gone and all I can see is how much he loves me shining from his face. My Mom is saying something; making her excuses to get off the phone. I’m not sure exactly what she’s saying because I’m not really listening anymore. I mumble a goodbye to her and as I hang up the phone Kyle moves off the couch. He doesn’t say anything; he just looks up at me with a blazing look on his face and it makes me tremble because it hits me again how much I love him. And then he takes my hand and he leads me to my room. He closes the door behind us and then he kisses me; at first gently but then harder like he’s trying to take in as much as he can. He pushes me on the bed and we strip each other and we make love; still without speaking. And it’s slow and sweet and tender and I feel like my whole body is crumbling as he takes me apart and puts me back together again. And then afterwards we lay entangled in each other and we talked. He told me that he loved me but sometimes he got scared that it was too good to be true; that it would all come crashing down around us. He told me he was afraid that he pushed me too much; too fast sometimes. He worried about my parents forcing their disgust on me; making me feel guilty. And he kissed my chest as I told him that I was scared as well; scared that my parents would never fully accept me but that what we had was worth everything to me; that he was worth everything to me. And we fell asleep together and the next morning we were back in our routine. Work, friends, love, sex, us. But it seemed that something had shifted slightly. We were more in tune with each other than ever. More solid than ever. I can’t even put a word on it; complete is probably the nearest I can get and even that doesn’t even come close. So I’m lying here watching him sleep. We don’t have to work today so we get to spend the whole day together. And I’m impatient now for him to wake up. I want to kiss him; talk to him; start our day together. So I rub my finger on his nose gently and he scrunches up his face adorably. He rubs his nose against the pillow as I stretch out my hand again. Then his eyes flutter open and he’s looking straight at me. “Hi,” I smile at him and he smiles sleepily back. He scratches his nose as he yawns and then he crawls over so he’s lying on top of me. He shuts his eyes again and I laugh as I run my finger through his hair. “I like it when I wake up and you’re here,” he mumbles against my chest and I hug him closer to me. He tilts up his head to look at me. “What do you wanna do today?” he asks me as he tugs lightly at the hair on my chest. And I just smile back at him because I don’t care what we do. I know it sounds corny but as long as I’m with him I don’t care where we are or what we’re doing. It took me long enough to accept that and know that I have I’m going to enjoy it. Enjoy him and enjoy us. KYLE My mother used to say that we only ever appreciated things when they were gone. I wish she was here now so I could tell her that wasn’t true. Every single day I wake up and realise how goddamn lucky I am. I never stopped loving Oliver after college; I don’t think I could have even if I wanted to. He was rooted in my very soul. But I’d given up hope. Even when I came back to Llanview and saw him again. He was still so much the scared, terrified, hidden guy I’d loved in college. I couldn’t ever see that changing. But here we are. We came out the other side of it all; of the lies and hurt and pain. We took all that and found a way to make it matter; to make it count. And it’s amazing. And it’s terrifying. That morning on the hotel rooftop he told me that “we” terrified him. I’d hugged him and promised that we’d be okay; we’d waited long enough for this. And I was right; we were good together. He made me laugh every day. When I was with him I felt happy and loved; I felt like nothing could touch me. But I was still scared; scared that I had pushed him too far too fast; scared that he would run away again. I knew he loved me; never doubted it for a minute but every now and again those old insecurities would surface. Like when he talked to his parents. He hadn’t told them about us and I knew that he was afraid to breach the fragile peace he’d managed to rebuild with his mother. I understood that and I didn’t push him on it. But sometimes a small nagging voice would start in my head. Most of the time I could push it down. Oliver would come home and I’d crawl into his arms; fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat beneath my ear. Or he’d look at me and smile or ruffle my hair or pull me to him while we were watching a movie. Or a thousand other small things he did that told me he loved me. And then it went away completely all of a sudden. It was just an ordinary evening - I’d been trying to study all day. I felt guilty because Oliver had the evening off as well but I had an exam in a couple of days and still had a pile of reading to do. And he was trying to distract me and I think I got a bit ratty with him. And then his parents rang him. I knew it was them because his whole body tensed up beside me. And then he moved away from me to talk to them. I wasn’t really listening; trying to concentrate on the complicated diagram of a spleen in front of me. Then I hear him mention New Year’s Eve and my head snaps up before I even realise it. I meet his eyes and I see him reading the fear in mine. And I watch the indecision on his face and it kills me because I don’t want to push him to tell them. I want him to tell them about me when he’s ready. So I just hold his gaze and there’s silence for a long moment. And then he tells her. I bite my bottom lip as I hear his shaky voice and I feel so proud of him; so in love with him. He hangs up the phone after a minute and all I want to do is feel his hands on me; feel his lips against mine and his skin beside me. And then I’m standing in front of him looking up at him and I don’t have the words to tell him everything that I’m feeling right now. So I show him. We make love and my heart pounds as he trembles underneath me. I look into his eyes as we come, and I’ve never felt more vulnerable as I do right then. I feel like we’re part of the one person now; each a half of the other. And then I tell him about all my stupid insecurities and fears and he smiles because he feels the same way. And we realize that none of that matters. Every single day that we are together is a day that I never thought I’d have with him. So everything we do; every minute we spend together I appreciate because it’s a minute I’d given up hope for. I know I love him and I know he loves me. Everything else we can work out on the way. **************************** |
| 3395233954 | Nov 28 2009, 12:32 PM Post #2 |
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Zach/8675309
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That was great. Loved it. |
| appleridge | Nov 28 2009, 12:36 PM Post #3 |
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That was utter perfection!!! |
| rhombus | Nov 28 2009, 01:43 PM Post #4 |
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Let us frankly discuss the mad hot sex we're about to have.
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The romance in this is just... *sigh* It warms my heart. I love it. A small observation: I was always under the impression that Kyle never actually left Llanview. That he went straight from his undergrad studies to the med school at LU and Llanview Hospital. But that vagueness from the show is so insignificant amongst all the loveliness here. |
| smuchshypush | Nov 28 2009, 02:47 PM Post #5 |
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Awww :) As much as I adore angsty Kish, I think I might like sweet, content, totally in love Kish even more, and you write that so beautifully! Didn't even notice tense shifting, so no worries. Can't wait for more! |
| ltklo | Nov 28 2009, 03:42 PM Post #6 |
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There's something special about stories that take place totally within the characters' heads. And you did a wonderful job - I loved it. So special. |
| WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot | Nov 28 2009, 04:23 PM Post #7 |
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The Whore of Babylon
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So, so lovely! I liked the dual perspectives, particularly of that life changing phonecall. And I love the voices you gave them here in the present, and how their relationship plays out. Really fabulous work! Thank you. |
| TimeToFly | Nov 28 2009, 05:35 PM Post #8 |
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James
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This was fantastic! I truly did enjoy it!! :grin: Shifting tenses is something that'll get better with time!! |
| koko wawa | Nov 28 2009, 05:41 PM Post #9 |
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too many great fanfics lately and this is definitely one of them, I loved your description of their relationship, I could totally see it this way for them amazing |
| lloydletta | Nov 28 2009, 06:40 PM Post #10 |
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Lovely fanfic. Look forward to reading more from you. |
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2:48 AM Jul 11