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[Approved] Lafftori[Archived]; Waiting for new reviews.
Topic Started: Dec 16 2014, 01:39 PM (581 Views)
Ghouls
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× General Information

Name: Lafftori
Gender: Male
Age: 13
Height: 5'4"
Weight: 84 lb
Species: Human
Appearance: Laff has a dark, long brown hair, which reaches past his waist, and brown eyes. Lafftori wears a poncho cloak that covers only his upper body, with nothing beneath, a pair of dark red baggy pants and a pair of black shoes. He also wears earrings with the shape of circles with the drawing of a black bird shape within.

Image


Profession: Unemployed
Reputation: 0 (Rank H)

Background


Backpack


× Physical Statistics

[0/0]
[0/50]


Aura: 15
Might: 6
Agility: 16
Endurance: 5
Accuracy: 8

× Nen Techniques

Basic Nen Techniques

Hatsu Affinity: Emission

[3/6]
[0/0]


Hatsu Abilities


× Non-Nen Techniques

[14/16]

Techniques

Edited by Ghouls, Dec 30 2014, 10:20 AM.
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Paradox
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Ya your going to need more conditions than just hit them and sadly we don't do time we go by post you could do the one a day thing but like minutes and smaller numbers are hard to do.

1. Change the 5 minutes to like 3 post if you think that's enough.

2. If you want to use there hatsu right you could add it right to make it R1 or make it a another hatsu I won't allow for you to control there body and hatsu without paying a lot more.

3. If you want to use there hatsu have conditions for that like you have to see them use it and know the name of the power or something along that line most manipulators don't use people's hatsus because that would require more conditions and risk hence why the bigger the risk you take the more control you get and currently there is little risk.

4, More conditions in general the more conditions the better the degree of control. So hitting them once doesn't cut it why not add you need to know there name age and affinity type ect just add more if you need help ask us.
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Entropy
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Taking Notes

While there are minute details such as conditions as Para mentioned, one of the major edits you should look at making is finding a way to balance your hatsu. As it stands, a lucky hit on anyone would allow you to control them, making it equally effective against an opponent of any level. While you could argue that landing a melee attack on an A rank would be enough of a challenge, the fact remains that you could always use other elements to land a surprise hit. Think of something like knuckle's hatsu, where it can be effective against anyone, however is substantially less effective against someone that surpasses him. Everything else seems to be in order, but you will definitely need to add some more stringent conditions, possibly even more so than detailed by Para
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Ken sweatshirt
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Everyone's always telling you to be humble. When was the last time someone told you to be great?

I think it's fine, except for these things adressed: . Make the set up harder, just a melee attack is much too easy, like Entropy said, you can pull it on anyone right now. Get an actual cooldown, oh 7 days for the same targets? Yeah no, get an actual cooldown. Add that and a condition that you can't hurt them yourselve *like stab them in the throat or something, because really, that's the same as instant kill* when manipulating them and I'll 1/2
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Flash
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Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad.

Hmm... yeah. This is pretty sou- wait...


Zack's List of Death

1) Firstly, before i even go into the conditions, let's go into exactly what this hatsu does.

Quote:
 
The user strikes his opponent with a melee attack that is surrounded by his aura. The damage that would be caused by the attack turns to be none, but the user gains absolute control over the victim's body (including the victim's abilities) until the end of the duration of the ability.


Okay. Let's just start with the bottom line. That is never going to get approved. Truth is, absolute control of an ordinary NPC human would be extremely difficult to get approved, let alone another nen-using PC that you can essentially use as a meat shield. Especially with such a weak activation condition and with virtually no drawback. There is nothing here stopping you from activating this, putting your opponent into a sleep state and then running them through with a knife.

2) Now providing you want to keep the hatsu as it is, manipulating the opponents body, i have some suggestions as to how you can do this without it being completely insane.

If you are really insistent on controlling the entire body, first i'm going to say you're going to have to forget about controlling nen abilities. How would Lafftori know exactly how they work and function?

Make the control limited to the body itself and further than that, as a starting character, i would limit it to maybe just a few bodily functions. (For instance running or controlling the arms) As it is now, you actually knock out your opponent and cause them to enter a sleep-like state. This is a no-no. What that does at the moment is allow you to set them under your control and just kill them, then they are none the wiser the next day. Essentially making this an auto-hit-win hatsu the moment you land the melee attack. (With this i might be more lenient if this cannot be used on a nen-using opponent. Something that i think you should consider.)

You are going to need a solid set of conditions to make this work. Right now, whilst a melee attack isn't necessarily easy to hit, it is far from a good condition. The best way i can see this working is by meeting multiple conditions, ranging from things such as simply knowing the targets name and age to only being able to use it at a certain time of day in a certain environment or even, as i said before, that it doesn't function on other nen users. Maybe landing the hit applies a curse, then after meeting certain conditions within the time allows for control.

3) How on earth does he control the target? You don't say anywhere how exactly he controls them. Can he literally just do this by thinking "Walk towards me"? Or does he move his own body, causing the targets body to do the same? Does he have to perform hand motions, like a wizard? Maybe he has a set selection of commands? Is there some sort of aura tether connecting you directly to the target? Specify.

4) Do what the others said, change minutes -> posts. It's easier to keep track of. Time should only be used in very small, easily trackable amounts. Same with the 7 day effect. Days are incredibly hard to track, because often-times this can cross threads, which isn't particularly ideal. The "can't be used on the same target within X time" is a solid condition, but you should probably just keep X to "within the same thread."


TL;DR: Read the post. lol

Overview

Ideally, i would say that you should forget about controlling other nen users at this level and especially not their hatsu or even their basic nen abilities. If you do want to go down the nen-user route though, add some sort of limit as to those you can control. For example maybe linking it to your aura stat and that of the target.

I would also add a way of breaking free from the hatsu. Giving the target a way out of it is a solid condition that wouldn't go amiss. Also pushes this more in the direction of a balanced hatsu rather than an auto-win.

Be more clear on how he controls the target exactly and maybe limit the degree of control. Omit the thing about putting them into a sleep-state. I would also just completely scrap the ability to just use it on himself as well. That just seems like a separate hatsu.

Enjoy. :D



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Ghouls
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I am really grateful for your help at my previous ability, but I saw that it would be very complex to make it work. So, I decided to create an ability much more simple. Please, review it!
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Entropy
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Taking Notes

All in all, your new hatsu seems pretty good, however you should clarify this:
Quote:
 
or until the victim stays in the range of the user's En.


I'm not sure if you are trying to say that the spears will dissolve if they enter your en, or that they disappear when the victim leave's the user's en. You will need to add a limit to the quantity of spears. I see no need for further conditions, but you may want to consult others on this.
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Ghouls
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Entropy
Dec 19 2014, 12:00 PM
All in all, your new hatsu seems pretty good, however you should clarify this:
Quote:
 
or until the victim stays in the range of the user's En.


I'm not sure if you are trying to say that the spears will dissolve if they enter your en, or that they disappear when the victim leave's the user's en. You will need to add a limit to the quantity of spears. I see no need for further conditions, but you may want to consult others on this.
I updated the description of the ability again. I think it's more easy to understand now. I also added a maximum number of spears that can be fixed to a person's body. :no1:
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Asylum
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Prone to Madness

Sorry for the delay.

What I want to know is - how many spears can he create/maintain at once? You say 5 per person, but is there an upper limit on how many between all persons. Place a limit on the total number (which you would then be able to increase by investing TP, so don't make it a big number to start), and I'll approve.

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Ghouls
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I updated the ability again. The maximum number of spears that can be created (not for a single person, but for the total number of spears created) is 5.
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