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[Approved] Evans Michaels[Archived]
Topic Started: Jul 17 2013, 11:56 AM (941 Views)
Dramien
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× General Information

Name: Evans Michaels
Gender: Male
Age: 15
Height: 5'11
Weight: 182lbs
Species: Human
Appearance: Evans has Brown hair and black eyes, he's a Caucasian male with a yellowish complexion. He has a slightly muscular physique and is of average weight and body size. He wears a Bright red hoodie, long black slacks, Black slip on shoes with white short socks and brown gloves. His Hood is marked with a design of eyes on each side and a evilly grinning mouth on each side of the Hood. At other times, usually when he would be at home he would wear a white hoodie and long white monkey pants aswell as white socks and his occasional black slip ons when he needs to put them on.

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Profession: Grade 5 Hunter Applicant
Reputation: 0 (Rank H)
Background

Backpack


× Physical Statistics

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Aura: 8
Might: 12
Agility: 12
Endurance: 8
Accuracy: 10

× Nen Techniques

Basic Nen Techniques

Hatsu Affinity: Materialization


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Hatsu Theme: Shadow walker.
General Hatsu Description: The ability allows the user to turn shadows into portals or to conjure body parts and even clones from the shadows. Portals created in shadows lead to a realm made of nen which connects all shadows in the vicinity of the shadow used to create the first portal. The realm consists of multiple doors connecting to each shadow within the vicinity which would be within the users eye sight or En from the position where in which he/she had entered the portal.
General Hatsu Conditions: Must be used on a shadow emitted by a light source. Portals can either be created on any area of a shadow that the user touches and marks with the word "DOOR". Portals can also be created on a shadow which is pierced by an object with the key word. Conjuration of objects such as puppets and body parts from shadows can only be created on shadows where in which the user is in contact with and must be in contact with a shadow. If the conjured object is moved from complete contact with the shadow it is erased. Objects on top of a portal do not fall instantly but take a short amount of time to sink in through the door for the portal has to be created BEFORE the door in the realm is opened.

Hatsu Techniques
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Asylum
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Prone to Madness

Alright, that's fine for Abyss then.

For Shadow Step, you haven't really satisfied my concern. How does he close a portal? Just make a new one? How fast can he open a portal for that matter, does he just have to touch it or jump into it? And I know teleport spam would be difficult since there's still a small area he has to go through, I'm mainly concerned about how easy it would be to just dive into a shadow if he sees something coming and move somewhere else nearby while out of sight. From what I see, you really don't have any notable conditions anyways besides things that would normally go without saying for this kind of ability, so I really say you should add something good to it that somehow forces him to be more careful in how he uses it.
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Dramien
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He has to touch either side of the portal to close it and then requires a 1 post cooldown before opening the next 2. aswell as adding that the portal can only be opened by touching the shadow with the users hand. You should go on the Cbox more often, I'm having a lil bit of a tough time thinking of a good condition that won't contradict the purpose of the portals in the first place.

Aswell as my shadowstep ability being based on knovs hide and seek ability, Knovs ability is less restrictive than the shadow step in both terms of usabiility and conditions.
Edited by Dramien, Jul 20 2013, 04:18 AM.
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Asylum
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Prone to Madness

Ok, well really I have to disagree there. From what we've seen of Knov's ability in the manga, its actually far more restrictive than what you have now. He has to physically touch each portal location as well declare them either an entrance or an exit of which he can only have so many of per room. We also have no idea what other conditions he has set for it but Togashi didn't care to bring up in the series for length reasons; so stating that the one's we've explicitly been shown or explained to is all the cost he's had to pay for an ability like that is a logical fallacy.

Tbh, as it is, your ability just seems incredibly convenient as all he has to do is touch the portal while exiting, wait one post, then create a new one. I'm really not trying to cripple it at all or state that you have to add some massive cooldown to it, but I do want you to add another condition that would actually make it a little more difficult to use then having to touch the entrance and create a pathway to any shadow within range; especially given the fact that he instantly sinks into the portal when activated.

I'm saying something about as limiting as having to use a number engraved throwing knives or something to mark all possible portals beforehand which he can then move to connect to any one of (definitely not nearly as bad as having to physically touch both entrance and exit beforehand). Assuming you carry four of those and have all four touching a shadow; you could connect the portal to any two of those shadows but the enemy could try to knock one loose if they realize it. That was only an example of how limiting it would have to be. There are lots of things you do without undermining the purpose.

I recommend taking a look at this character sheet for an idea for some decent conditions that wouldn't really hurt the ability's usability much except under certain circumstances. The character has to basically stop and perform a series of lengthy prayers and/or a large number of 30 second long ceremonial practice swings before the end of the day depending on how often he used his abilities that day or else be unable to use the ability for an extended period of time; and it can really become troublesome on particularly grueling missions or threads that stretch into the night since as it effectively means stopping what he's doing and setting aside enough time to fulfill his conditions. I think something along those lines would suit the ability without restricting it as horribly as you seem to think.

Also, I would say that I'm in the cbox quite a bit.
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Asylum
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Prone to Madness

Quote:
 
The user must spend 1/4 of an hour meditating before the end of the day if he uses his power in excess or risk being unable to use the power for an extended period of time.

Ok, its better now but you need to define 'to excess', and defining how long the ability is lost for if failed wouldn't hurt either if just for roleplaying reasons. Is it if he uses it more than X amount of times a day? I would also say to make it so that the amount of time he spends meditating should have to increase the more he uses the ability rather than just being a set amount of time no matter how much he uses it.

If you do that right, you can take out the marking thing. Or keep it and take out the other. No need for both.

You should also keep in mind that the shadows actually have to be big enough in area for something to fit through for it to enter the shadow realm. Like the 'shadows must be cast by a light source' thing you have listed right now, its not really a condition; just stating something which should go without saying. I think you know what I mean, but just mentioning it just in case.

You've also spent 17 TP on non nen techs when you only have 16 to start with; though you'll get one more TP when you add the bonus for Summer Appreciation anyways so I'll overlook it until then.
Edited by Asylum, Jul 21 2013, 01:21 AM.
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Ken sweatshirt
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Everyone's always telling you to be humble. When was the last time someone told you to be great?

1/2 :P
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Asylum
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Prone to Madness

Approved.
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