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My Story; My Story
Topic Started: Apr 28 2010, 03:39 PM (265 Views)
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This is a story i wrote to help me get some feelings out, i was bored also I am going to use this in my English class at school as i need to write a piece of original writing story except i changed a few things for my school work piece. It's not 100% my life thats just the key things in my secondary school life really, i didn't want to put too much detail about everything else and changed a few little things as i used for school, but all that is true. I know it may not seem that bad, there was more going on btw and everyone is affected differently.

This isn't completely finished, this is like a first draft

You can either just read it off here if you wish or download it and read it from your wordpad or whatever if you prefure.

(It's about 7 pages long or something, i doubt anyone will really read it, i think Abstract will probably be the only one lol. If you do read it please comment. Thanks)

Click here to download story

Gemma Larkin
English - Mrs Smith.
11CN



Since day one of secondary school is when the shit began. Heading into an enormous school, biggest in the city. Lost all my close friends, being shy didn’t help me to make new friends at all. First week of this new world was quite exciting and interesting. Had quite a lot of friends, that was before the groups set in concrete. I didn’t seem to fit in any one of these groups, so I didn’t really go around with any of them. It felt as if these groups had a padlock on them, nobody in them would leave to be with me, and I couldn’t enter any of the groups.

My best friend from primary school that lived down my road, known her all my life, she was at a different school than me, she would have a friend over very often, I hadn’t met her yet but I wanted to. I took great interest in her, I tried to ignore the feelings I had for her but I simply couldn’t, they were too powerful for me to handle. I met her, we got along great. I was really pleased. We ended up hanging out more than my best friend from primary school and she did. I felt a bit awkward as if I had stole her friend away from her. I had spoken to her saying I don’t intend for that to happen. She didn’t mind and wanted it to happen for some reason. This new friend I had Amie, it wasn’t long before we was having sleepover’s and such. We became really close. I had a crush on her from the beginning. I was positive she didn’t feel the same way back, so I just tried my best to ignore the feelings. I told my best friend about the feelings I had for her, I asked for advice because I was scared I would screw our friendship up over it which I didn’t want. My best friend told me to just be honest with her. I couldn’t do that though, that was too weird and I would probably scare her. I just ignored it, I assume my best friend told her for me without my knowing. Down the road one evening Amie came down, immediately kissed me on the lips, I was so shocked, my brain flooded with confusion. She asked if I liked her in that kind of way. I hesitated to say yes in case that wasn’t the answer she wanted, I eventually mumbled out the truth. She didn’t really respond as I expected. I got a warm smile and then the topic was changed, after that it just happened… we was dating and I had never been so happy. although I had a bad feeling with all of it, in case it wasn’t what she wanted and we lost our friendship over it. Also if it became a bit more serious which I didn’t think it was, how would we go about telling our parents? I guess I shouldn’t be thinking about that at such an early stage. I ignored that dilemma for the time being. Didn’t question it, just loved it.

I found myself a new best friend in hell. Some annoying kid from Canada. God knows how we became such good friends. At the first week of joining secondary school he was my worst enemy. He was a complete fool, but he did make me laugh. The kind of person who does such stupid things, they were hilarious! I was with him around school pretty much all the time, we created our own little group. I guess we was an easy target for the bigger groups.

It started with a few random names, walking in the library, me and Marco the Canadian guy. We’re stopped, told to say some stupid names. Being stupid and scared, we did it hesitating. That’s were it really began. This became a regular thing. As days passed, the names got even more stupid. This wasn’t just a little joke anymore. Every single day, names in your face everyday. Believe it or not, a year of it has passed already. Everyday, this big group, all joining in. Throwing things, calling us horrible names. The worst part was knowing you can’t do shit unless you want your head kicked in.

We went to the teacher, more than once, a few times a week. Telling us that it will be sorted and each time we tell of them the more serious action they will take. Another year passed already. Still going on. Same shit everyday. The teacher I actually had respected and looked up to had just let me down so bad. I felt a huge part of my heart torn off and burnt. Heart full of anger, leaking as it can’t hold no more. I couldn’t take this shit anymore…

In English class, they made it seem like we were friends, I actually felt happy, not depressed during the school hours. How could I be so stupid? To actually believe they wanted to be friends for even a second. I get unbelievable amount of things thrown at me, names and objects. Hard to believe how much it could hurt somebody. My heart had sank with bitterness. Truly feeling disappointed, ashamed and lonely. That lunch time I was pushed around by a small black girl who was apparently crazy and very strong. I could see the crazy part. I was threatened with a chain, I lost it a bit, throwing her against the lockers, smashing her head, indenting the thin metal lockers. I wasn’t trying to beat her up, was just trying to get a message across to her to leave me alone. Then she wanted an organised fight after school. I accepted without care. I turned up, she had a metal chain, threatening me. I honestly didn’t care about the chain, I wasn’t scared anymore. I snapped, slashed the chain out her hand and slung it across her face ripping her to the floor, chain digging into her eyes. instantly 30 odd people jumping on top of me, pulling me off, I expected that, which was a shame, but lucky for her. I would have killed her, that was my aim at that moment in time.

Summer break, been on holiday to Mexico. Pretty good but still feeling depressed 24/7. I met someone there, one year older than me, we could understand each other, spoke about being picked on at school. I never really knew my oldest brother well. This boy I had met, Josh he got to know my brother better than me. One night we was up on the roof top talking and I felt I got to know my brother well, I got a warm feeling inside. I looked up to my brother, Josh had told my brother about the problems I was facing. My brother said “Don’t take no shit from no one” that message was tattooed on my brain. I was staying in a room with my brother, he was out most nights drinking so I was alone most nights. My mum staying in a separate room with her boyfriend, understandable I suppose, not wanting me in the same room. I started staying up at night with Josh, he was sharing a room with his older brother too who was also out most nights with my brother. So we decided to make it so his brother shared a room with mine, then I could stay with Josh. I find out its his last day before he goes back home. I felt so upset, wishing I would never have to leave him, he was the only one who could really understand me. I found out he was leaving the night he left, early hours in the morning. We was up talking in bed till late, I had fallen asleep. Woke up and he wasn’t beside me in bed, there was a note. Explaining he had to leave, I cried as I read it. I started panicking inside. I don’t really know why. I had one more week left in Mexico to go, alone. The rest of the holiday I was just a plain old grump. It was all inclusive and we could get served alcohol over the age of 13, I had been drinking a bit with Josh, not so much I was getting drunk. But after Josh left, I was drinking large amounts, helped me to get to sleep and forget.
I never spoke to Josh ever again…

Back to school. That tattoo on my brain still there. Told myself “fuck it” went school feeling pretty good about myself. First day back actually turned out pretty decent. Tried to get in with a few new people as it was first day back and my Canadian friend wasn’t in school that day, people wouldn’t say nothing if I had changed over a 2 month break, most people did. First few days went well, began to get a little lonely without Marco though. He had told me he went to Canada for holiday over the summer break, I assumed he was taking a longer break than the rest. I found out he had moved to Canada, for good. He never told me either, I cried for a good few days, feeling depressed because he was the one who knew what I had gone through as he had gone through the same experience.

I had this new group, I just moved on as quick as I could. First few weeks of year 10 has gone excellent! Until ‘The Group’ started up again. In drama class there was another small group decided to participate in bullying me. This girl I hated, she was slightly bigger than me, thought she was the best and could take anyone down. 100% chav, not my favourite group of people. She began doing things like calling me nasty names, pulling my hair and such. I told her to stop, she continued. Tattoo on my brain flicking in my head. Remembering the times with Josh. “Don’t take no shit from no one” screaming in my head, heart was flaming, my veins were about to pop. I grabbed her by the neck and threatened her, telling her to stop. I realised what I was doing, let go, went to walk away but before I could even walk away I’ve been smacked across the face, chair behind me obviously, just my luck. I crashed down like a plane, shot up like bullet and smashed her in the face about 20 times, got hit once across my cheek, scratched on my neck. Standing in the middle of the small square drama room, me with her right in front of me, ring of people around us, teacher running to the middle. I felt like I was in a boxing match, in the ring, in front of the world. Didn’t know what to do, my mind telling me to leave it at that. My heart aching, bleeding for another hit. I’ve thrashed a vicious right fist in her fat ugly face, dropped her like a tonne of bricks. God I felt good, did I seriously just do that? Or is this another dream…

It was real, I was sent out and I didn’t even get in trouble for it. By this stage I was passed caring if I did get in trouble. I couldn’t care less about my education. I just felt depressed everyday, couldn’t concentrate or anything. The other group continued to call me names about my sexuality and random things. Nobody in the world cared. My parents didn’t know how I felt. I never really saw my dad, be surprised if he even knew my age. My mum always nagging me when I got home after school about shit I didn’t need. I doubt she cared. Wow, that’s my mum, course she would care, I’m just very negative. I have been turned this way. I couldn’t believe that someone would actually care, even if I wanted or tried.

I soon started becoming lazy. I never went out with friends, just sat at home playing on the computer all day everyday. It helped me to ignore all the shit on my mind, all the hatred locked to my brain, and all the revenge I wanted. It seemed pretty stupid thing to get depressed over some would say. That’s why I hid my depression as well as I could. Never spoke about it to anyone, it is the little things that were the problem. Little things just adding on and on. I wouldn’t even bother going to see my dad, I was too lazy to go there, thinking he doesn’t even care anyway… My mum wouldn’t take me as she don’t want any contact with him what so ever. He didn’t bother to ring and ask where I had been, obviously he didn’t care. I was right all along. That tattoo on my brain had started to fade away by now.

The only time I was happy was when I was with Amie. We started to see a bit less of each other during the week. I was very depressed and didn’t want Amie to see me like this so much, I tried to avoid seeing her a bit but making sure we see each other enough so she didn’t get the impression I didn’t love her. I attempted to fight off this depression. It was so hard… Then everyday my mum going on about me spending so much time on the computer and how I am addicted, it really got me wound up, putting a limit on how much I can play a day also. What the hell am I meant to do in the rest of that time?! The computer was my way of escaping reality. I felt so angry, that was just another little thing adding on once again. This depression was seriously building up. I had actually started to consider some insane ideas. Like going into school and killing them all, literally. or suicide. Some crazy thoughts huh. But what other choice did I have, I was thinking of these things whenever my mind wasn’t occupied.

Now about quarter way through year 10, failing my coursework badly. I was skipping school a hell of a lot, I had began skipping school often during year 9 and now It had become a big thing, skipping three or four days a week. Whenever my mum was at work so I could get away with staying at home. I was sleeping a lot less and eating less. I just didn’t feel like eating, I would feel bloated most of the time and couldn’t be bothered to eat. I just wanted to be alone most of the time as well, sitting at the table with the family at dinner time was a bit of a nightmare, sitting there just praying nobody talks to you. After every meal, complaints that I hadn’t eaten everything on my plate.

Laying wide awake with my heart frozen all night thinking of possible solutions to overcome this pain. Asking myself the same questions over and over. Do I deserve this? Why me? Do they mean to make me feel this way? Would they even care? I literally felt like killing myself. Like any normal person, I was afraid to, I thought that I wanted to do it and that soon I really would. I wasn’t positive that I was going to do it, but I was pretty sure I would end up doing it sooner or later. The thought seemed perfect, would end all my pain, family would really understand then, the people who caused this pain for me would hopefully be shocked and think “shit!”. There was others in similar situation to me, but I had it the toughest, hopefully the shock I would give them would stop them from doing it to the rest who didn’t deserve it. What did I have to lose? Nothing. That’s what. So I considered this as a way to stop it all, but I did want revenge, how would this be possible? Kill them, then blast myself after the job was done. I seriously considered it. I just hang in there to see what was the next step for me.

I soon became used to eating little, sleeping less, drinking alcohol and feeling this way. I was just tired. Tired of life, tired of school, tired of these bullies, just everything. I couldn’t care anymore. I had been let down by everyone I knew really, I didn’t bother even trying to talk to people anymore because I knew the same would happen again.

One day at school, in my P.E lesson. I was pressured to go to this lesson which I regretted going into it once I knew what we was doing I wanted to leave, I felt as if I couldn’t though. We was split into four groups with about 10 in each. My best friend from primary school was in the same group as me, I had not spoken to him since year 7 when we just drifted apart. I was stood there looking depressed, thinking of killing myself as usual. He noticed a change in me very recently, also my teacher did too. As I stood there he gave me many funny looks which I just ignored. Someone asked me a question, I forgot what that was now, then he called me some names which were unpleasant. Marcus, my best friend from primary which I never spoke to anymore was good friends with this person who had just insulted me. Strangely enough Marcus stood up for me, said “what the fuck you doing? Why you being a twat for no reason, fuck off you prick unless you want to get smashed up” he said to his friend. The boy looked frightened and shocked and quickly backed off. I tried to ignore what was just happening in front of me, I couldn’t stop my veins from freezing up. But I began to cry, the fact that someone had just stood up for me. I don’t know why it would make me cry, I just couldn’t believe someone would actually stand up for me. Nobody had been so nice and done something like that for me before. He then stood beside me leaning against the cold wall, asked me what was wrong. I replied, “nothing”. As I always would to everyone who asked what’s up with me. He knew for a fact something was seriously wrong. I hesitated to tell him, but I just told him what was on my mind… literally “I think I am going to kill myself”. He stood silence for a few moments, then began to question me in a friendly way. I told him why and all. He got along with most of the people who made me feel like this, he said he would make them stop and if he had to he would fight them. I didn’t want him to lose a group of friends just over me, I told him no. Deep down I wanted him to but on the outside I just said no. He said what if he just talks to them, so I said “Okay, but please don’t go getting in any fights over me“. I didn’t think it was worth it as I felt worthless. I spent the whole lesson stood leaning against the wall, blocking off any voices other than Marcus’s. He spent most of the lesson talking to me, trying to cheer me up in any way he could, but failed. My teacher at the end asked what was wrong, I said nothing, once again. He gave me a suspicious look, I knew he knew something was terribly wrong. He didn’t bother telling me off for not participating in his lesson, but he told others off if they didn’t. I suppose he could tell something was wrong, possibly trouble at home or something.

For the next couple of weeks I was seeing Marcus outside of school, sitting up the local park just talking about my problems and he would give me advice. This really helped me, for someone to not actually judge me and freak out, he would actually listen and understand where I came from. He told me to promise him I wouldn’t commit suicide. I said “I cant make no promises”. I figured that got him a bit scared, which made me feel a bit bad as he had been such a good friend to me in the past and now, where I really needed him, and what I gave him in return was just shit. I mentioned a few names of the people who had made me feel this way, his girlfriend was one of them, but I didn’t mention her, not because I was scared but I didn’t want him to have any trouble with her as they had been through a lot already. Maths class was the worst, a small group, me and a couple of dim people, the rest were my enemies, I would have big math text books thrown at me and all sorts. I skipped most maths classes though.

I started to get caught skipping school a lot, I didn’t really care. My mum couldn’t control me as I was just simply past caring. The school would be ringing daily, Mum going berserk at me every time I walked in the house, nagging on about my attendance, we would be fighting every single day. I just didn’t even want to live there anymore. I started to stay with my Nan often. I began to talk to her about my problems and she was very understanding. It was incredibly hard to come out with my feelings to her as she is extremely nice and caring and I didn’t want to worry her or hurt her in any way. She helped me through this, gave me advice and such. She told me to move school, which I had already asked Mum for the last two years but she said no, its too much hassle and the schools wont bother moving you now. I now believe that was a big lie, I have no idea why she would lie about that. I asked my Mum again that night, she didn’t believe my attendance would improve or anything, she didn’t believe or want to believe it was the school doing it to me. I had explained people were picking on me and I was sick of it. I never told her how I felt though, she isn’t the most understanding of people, just flips out on everything. My dad would pick me up after the school rang sometimes, driving around in the car at night, talking about school. I had explained to him people were pissing me off, not how I truly felt though, he wasn’t mad with me, maybe deep down but he didn’t show it, he was nice to me, I guess he could sense there was more behind it to just someone pissing me off or I couldn’t be bothered to go to school. He would buy me a drink, talk as if we were friends. I sensed he didn’t want to get too involved though, he never asked how I was feeling or what exactly was going on, maybe he already had an idea or just didn’t want to know. He just wanted it over with though, I had got the feeling my parents didn’t care really, they were just worried about going to court as you do when your child’s attendance drops that low.

Year 10 exams coming up. We’ve been given the chance to take our real maths exam in year 10 and re-take it if needed to in year 11. My mum believed this was a good thing. My maths was awful, and I was very negative. She explained about the exam with a smile, seemed excited. I said I didn’t give a shit, said I would do shit anyway. Then she knew something was horribly wrong from that point. Her excitement died and her smile turned into a frown instantly. She asked why I was so negative in a angry voice. I didn’t really have an answer, I just gave a nervous giggle. She wasn’t happy about my giggling about it. The next few nights after dinner she would go on about my attitude. On Tuesdays my Mum would be at work till 9pm, so I was home alone usually, unless my brother was home which was rare. I would cook for myself and everything, just sit on the computer all night. On the Monday my brother came in my room, said he had been meaning to talk to me, we used to be close, but we hadn’t spoken in some time now…
He asked what was wrong, I told him nothing, but he wasn’t so easy to fool. He literally stayed sat on my bed till 5am that night simply trying to get it out of me what was wrong. He was worried about me he had said. He began to guess what was wrong, some things pretty stupid, he asked whether I had been raped, that was a no. He asked a lot of stupid ones then said, “Wait! Are you gay?” I didn’t reply for a few moments. Then replied “Yes, but that’s not the reason I am like this”. He continued to question me, I didn’t want to tell him, I don’t really know why, it just felt so awkward. All night he stayed up saying he will stay there all night long if he has to because he wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t tell him. In the end I just came out with “I am thinking of doing something stupid” he said “like what?” Surely he knew, I said those words because really saying it was hard to say. So I tried to imply it instead. I told him then after, I am thinking of killing myself. His face made an unexpected expression which made me laugh slightly. He said, he wouldn’t go on about it right now but he wanted to talk to me the next day about it when my Mum was at work all night as I really didn’t want her to know as she isn’t the understanding type.

So now there were a few people aware of my dilemma. I began to feel a bit more open about telling people I was depressed. The hardest part of all my depression so far was to actually admit it and tell somebody. Now I’ve done that, it’s not so hard talking about it but I preferred not to go around talking about it as I think it would make me seem like a big attention seeker, I didn’t like attention seekers, I wasn’t going to become one now. On the Tuesday I spoke with my brother, explained everything. He said he doesn’t think I have the guts to kill myself. He wasn’t as helpful as I expected. I regretted telling him now. When he said he doesn’t think I have the guts to do it, I thought about going to do it right then and there, just to prove him wrong. I couldn’t care for anybody properly, if my mum was to die tomorrow, I wouldn’t be bothered. I just couldn’t give a shit anymore. I guess if that really did happen then I would care deep down maybe, but at the time I was convinced I wouldn’t care, but she didn’t die so I cant say whether I cared really or not. That wasn’t a good feeling not being able to care for anyone or anything, but nobody cared for me anymore that it seemed, so why should I bother caring back? I still continued to talk to my friend about my problems, he told me to see a counsellor and that he would come with me, I said no repeatedly. Then over the internet one night, he suggested seeing a counsellor in school that I was familiar with, he said I had nothing to lose, so I thought in the end, why not. I agreed and he set it up for me. I was told that everything would be confidential. My friend had said I was depressed and told this counsellor he was worried about me and briefly told her what I had been telling him. I was asked by the counsellor in class that day to confirm the sessions. I was told that the next day she would see me. The next two days I wasn’t contacted in any way about these sessions. I thought to myself fuck it, they are useless, I wouldn’t bother chasing them up about it. On the last day of the week during last class I was pulled out of it. I was then taken to a small meeting room where I just told her some of my feelings. She said it would be confidential, so I didn’t feel so worried about telling her things. She said she could help with schoolwork and try set up some things, it sounded decent so I went along with it. I went home that day, just walking past the living room where my Mum was, she called me. I poked my head around the corner, the school rang she said. I instantly said “I was actually at school today you can ask teachers or friends so don’t even start”. I assumed it was another daily call about my attendance, but it wasn’t this time. She said in a angry tone “why are you going around telling people you are going to kill yourself”. I felt very angry how she said it without care, but anger. Suddenly my brain has frozen. My heart starts to pump rapidly. Knowing those teachers bullshitted me, fucking assholes, makes my heart ache and bleed. Once again, let down. I asked my mum who had rang. She didn’t tell me, just said that it wasn’t my business. My veins felt as if they were about to explode. I raised my voice “None of my business?! Its none of your fucking business what I am talking to my friends about! Now who the fuck rang?!” She didn’t tell me, she was being like a child. My body began to shake I was extremely pissed off at this point. My brother walked in and started saying why am I this way and shouting at mum, I told him to stay out of it and mind his own business but he ignored that, there was then a big argument, I began to laugh at my mum and brother. Going on and on, why was I even here? I simply just walked straight out the front door. Went straight to my friends house. We sat in the park talking, I explained to him that the teacher had rang home. He was very pissed off as they told him it would be confidential. My parents were the last people I wanted to know. My friend said he would go and talk to the head teacher that had rang home the next day. At school the next day my friend went up the head teacher standing in the play ground at break, storming over to him like a lightening bolt. He called his name and said “Oi, so much for confidential? What the fuck you playing at going and ringing her mum for, you bald fuck!”. The teacher looked devastated and said “Marcus, Marcus, calm down, why don’t we go and discuss this in my office”. Off they went inside, I was stood there shocked he actually did that. Hoping he doesn’t get in trouble over me and my stupid problems. He was risking getting expelled as he has been in a few serious incidents in the past. That day after school I met up with him, he told me that the teacher said when a student is in danger they have to tell their parents and it was the law. I guess I couldn’t argue with that, what had been done was done now anyway. I was just full of regret and felt like shit because I even bothered to trust this so called counsellor who said she would see me 2-3 times a week, I saw her twice in a month. Then I told her to fuck off and don’t even bother, she was a waste of time and made me feel worse. After the day my friend explained about the teacher having to ring home, when I got home that evening, my mum said that she has rang the doctors and I have an appointment tomorrow with them. I told her to fuck off and leave me alone, told her I wasn’t going. She wasn’t happy about that, she tried nagging on for the next couple of weeks to see a doctor. I finally just agreed to shut her up and I guess it could have done some good…

Just showing up to the doctors now. Waiting in the waiting room longer than I expected. I went in the room alone, I didn’t want my mum in the room. I explained to the doctor how I felt, she was very understanding and not judgemental. I began to see her once a week. Things still got worse, it was just nice to talk to someone who actually understood me, I was somewhere I knew I didn’t have to worry. The doctor was pregnant though, she was going on maternity leave soon. She said there would be another doctor I who was taking her place I could talk to. I didn’t want another doctor though, I got comfortable with this one and I would have to go over it all again. She said she could refer me to Brookside to assess me, where they could identify whether I needed medical help. I agreed to that, she said she will write to Brookside and try get me as far up on the list as she could as there was a big list. I didn’t expect the list to be so big, I didn’t expect to get far up on the list as my condition I believed wasn’t so serious. When my life was at risk I guess it was. I thought about all the rest of the people out there, they must have 1000 times worse problems than I did. That stopped me from feeling sorry for myself. The letter from Brookside finally came. My appointment was in 4 weeks… in 4 weeks I am most likely to be dead. They managed to make the process quicker and I was there within 2 weeks.

So now I was walking into Brookside feeling slightly nervous. I wasn’t in the waiting room very long. I was called in and my parents had to come in the room with me. I had to explain how I felt and why. I was bored here already, just talking to this old woman who had no clue who I was. My parents were told to leave the room for a short period of time so I could talk to the old lady alone. She was very patronizing which wound me up. I tried to hang in there though. My parents were then called back in, the lady questioned my parents a little bit, my mum burst out crying saying the fact that I want to end my life made her feel awful. Seeing my mum cry brought shame to myself, I felt like I was the bully now. I had small tears shoot to my eyes. My mum just sat there silent, trying to hold it in. The lady gave us a short time out. After a short time she began to talk to me, being very patronizing again. I soon got fed it. She was saying things like “You know your mother really loves you, and your father” in a baby voice. She wasn’t no baby, she was 50 odd. Someone who kept going on about that when she doesn’t have the slightly clue about my family or me. She was a bitch. I replied when she said that “How the fuck would you know, you don’t know me or my family, so don’t go saying shit your just an old granny who wants to be paid, you don’t give a fuck, why the fuck am I even here? You’re useless and fucking annoying!”. My mum was still crying silently in the background, she stood up and said “C’mon lets go Gemma”. My dad isn’t an emotional person, I’ve never seen him cry before. He didn’t say much at all, so little and unimportant I don’t remember what he even said. Me and my mum sat silent on the way home. As we arrived home my dad said well done for going, even though it didn’t help. Me and my mum got out the car and went inside, as I got in my mum hugged me and said thank you for going and trying, she said she knew she was useless and annoying but she was grateful that I had gone.

Things continued to be rather shitty. They now knew something had to be done soon. I suggested moving school, they said they will try. I wanted to be in the same school as Amie, her school was much cleaner and smaller, there wasn’t so many kids so the teacher could deal with these kind of problems easy. In the school I was in it was enormous, the teachers couldn’t control a class of kids to save their life. I still held in there, only for the reasons that I may get into another school and Amie. I was seeing Amie now about three times a week, because of school and that. I was still only ever happy when I was with her. If I lost her now, I would have lost everything. Everything has literally fallen down around me, she was the only thing still holding me upright. It was as if I was an stack in the sea, everything around it fallen down, the stack slowly falling down, just a matter of time.

It was Easter holidays next week. My parents asked me to attend school this week as much as I can as they are applying for a new school, I may not get in if my attendance wasn’t improving at all. So I really did try. This week had been awful so far. I tried to get the head of the school to sort this one girl out which I hate with passion. He tried to talk to her, pulling her out of class but it still continued. I gave up soon enough telling the teacher, I had told teachers throughout year 7 and 8 and never did it stop. In science class half way through the week, a small group of my enemies had given me a rough time, I wasn’t in no mood for jokes. I asked why she was such a bitch and what I ever did wrong to her. She replied laughing and said I don’t know, its fun and you don’t do nothing back. Her friends began to laugh, except one. He looked at me as if he felt sorry for me. He had bullied me quite a lot over the years, for a moment maybe he has seen it from my view. I felt a bit relieved that one of them didn’t take part in this session. But I was full of anger at this girl Kira. I just sat down and attempted to ignore her. She threw a few things at me like pencils and rulers and called me names. I got up and told her to fuck off. She began to wind me up even more. I sat there, heart sizzling and aching, my bones shaking, my veins pumping boiling blood. I was screaming in silence. She was building up a monster, anything that happened now was her own fault, it was her own creation. She carried on and on, calling me horrible names. She then said “You’ve never had a boyfriend, are you a dirty dyke or something?”. My veins were now pumping burnt blood. My bones were now stuck with lightening. My heart was on fire. I picked up a broken tap on the desk in front which was the teachers desk. I leaped out my chair and slashed it across Kira’s face, she dropped to the floor, I felt the floor shake slightly. I stamped on her head twice, crushing her jaw to the hard, cold and dirty floor. She tackled me with some strength, taking me to the ground, as I was taken down she was on top of me, I threw my head into hers, bursting her nose, blood leaked out. I rolled her over so I was now on top, smashing my right fist of fury in her face, I wanted to engrave her face with my fist. Her right eye had already began to turn purple, I felt so good at this point. I felt powerful, I had really achieved something. The teacher had just now returned to the class, I thought to myself “Oh shit!”. But I realised that I didn’t need to worry, I was hopefully leaving this school anyway and if I don’t, I had planned on leaving this world. I was going to finish this job. I continued to throw rapid fists of rage to her face, she struggled to fight me off. I felt her struggle, it made me laugh inside, I was screaming with joy inside. I was then pulled off by the teacher, I still tried to get her when I was being held back. I was taken out of the class, I was told to spend the rest of the day in the staff office by myself . Instead I walked out and went home. I went into school the next morning, the teacher told me I shouldn’t be here, I was suspended. I asked why and how long for, of course I knew why I was suspended, I thought I would still ask though. She said “You must know what you’ve done and you should have a letter explaining it all”. I just went home, my mum was at work. There was no letter from the school to be found. I didn’t really care. Two days left until Easter holidays anyway.
That evening when my mum came in from work, she didn’t look too happy. She handed me a large envelope. It was from Coleridge which was Amie’s school. I knew it was the letter telling me whether I got in or not. This letter was my life. If I had been denied, I would end my life. If I was accepted I wouldn’t. This was how I decided whether to commit suicide or not. I was offered an interview where I would discuss all the needs, I had not yet been accepted fully. But it definitely looked positive. My interview was that Friday in the morning. I went with my dad as my mum was working on that morning and my dad wasn’t, so he picked me up in the morning and took me there. I was sat waiting for a short while. Then a very large man came along, I was a bit nervous, my life was literally in this strangers hands. He greeted us and took us into the meeting room. I wasn’t feeling so talkative, I must have seemed very boring and horrible to him. He seemed like a very nice guy. He spoke about all the subjects I take and what I would be doing when I went there, as I was failing horribly in my art class at my current school I swapped that for Catering. I remained doing Geography and History he asked if I knew anyone in this school already, I said yes and named a number of people, said I would be in the form with most of the people I knew, there was only 60 people in the whole of year 11 in this school, I was very shocked. The meeting must have been about one to two hours long, at the end of it he shook my hand and said I’ll see you here at 8:30 after Easter holidays. I knew this meant I had been accepted. I smiled, I felt good inside for the first time in a long time, I felt relieved and refreshed, I was free.

During Easter break it was scorching hot weather. I spent the two weeks playing out in the beautiful weather with Amie and some friends, she brought a few friends from Coleridge down, so I had met some people before I had really started the school. I had already made some good friends. A couple of nights we had a big sleep-over and got drunk. It was a great laugh, we wasn’t too drunk to know what we was doing or anything. When we was drunk we had some great laughs which gave us something to talk about for the next few days. We had some good memories already, which was good for the friendship. We had told them me and Amie were dating. They were happy for us which was a wonderful feeling to have. I just wish everyone could be the same though.

First day of Coleridge, hot sunny day for a special day. Walking to school with Amie, holding hands. Feeling rather nervous about my first day. Worried about what all the people would think of me. As I was two weeks ago to meet the head teacher at the reception, I planned to walk in and make my way there. As soon as we entered the school site we were greeted by many people, I saw many familiar faces. I was feeling great. I had just left Hell and entered Heaven. I told them I needed to head to reception, I was guided there by a swarm of friendly people. There was a large boy sitting in reception, he looked like a friendly guy. It turned out it was his first day here also, so I wasn’t alone. Everyone else had to head to registration, in the mean time waiting for the head teacher to arrive I got to know this guy well, he had come from a strict boarding school. It was nice to have someone join the same time so I didn’t feel alone or shy in any way. When the teacher arrived we were handed our new time tables. We was then going straight onto class. Every class I had the teachers were friendly and respectful, it was immense for me, going from such a horrible school to somewhere so nice and friendly. The classes had a lot less people in so the learning was much better, everyone seemed to get along, there wasn’t any “groups” here, it was fantastic.

Being here a little while, I begin to see the groups of people appear. I was automatically taken in by a group. The groups still got along alright, there wasn’t any major incidents like my last school, it was a war zone there. I was then offered out by numbers of people, I was going out with friends and Amie everyday. I wasn’t sitting alone in my room escaping reality anymore. The world had opened up to me. There was no hope in heaven, I begin to question myself how I was so lucky to get here. I guess I shouldn’t question it, just love it. I had hope in heaven. I had gained great ambitions. Things started to get a little boring, however comparing them to how I was like in my previous school, I can’t complain.

There was one person I was told on the first day, never to mix with one girl. She was a pain in the arse. I didn’t ever talk to her, she seemed a bit of an idiot but nothing too bad. I could easily ignore that. Until she was picking on Amie. He was making fun of her and someone who she knew had died, I saw myself, Amie was stood there, staring at the floor. looking depressed. After school I tried to talk to this girl that had done this, he wasn’t so corporative. I got a little angry with her. I was in front of her, she was against the railing. I wasn’t expecting a fight or anything, just wanted her to apologise to Amie and not do it again. This girl pushed me away, I pushed her back from reactions. She then hit me across the face. I launched my fist into her mouth causing it to gush out with bleed. I swished out the way of a couple of her punches, I connected a few good punches to her, I then threw my fist of steel into her gut twice, dropping her like a sack of sand. Walking away, I was suspended for two days. I don’t regret doing it, I just felt a bit stupid doing it after only being there a short while. Feeling like I let down the head teacher who had saved my life. That didn’t make me feel happy. But I assured him that this was a one off and it wouldn’t happen again. Since that incident things have been very good. This girl has changed, she doesn’t annoy people very much now at all and we actually get along with him. I think over that incident everything turned out good to be fair.

Been here now one year. Not heaven anymore, far from hell though, that’s still a thumbs up. I would say its pretty level right now. I get depressed from time to time. Still not over my experience in hell. I was strongly depressed for almost 4 years. Nobody said it would be easy. I did overcome the depression for some time, but now it comes back now and again. Far from what it used to be, I would never consider suicide now. I do have feelings and I do care for others. I get along with my mum, I know my dad better now, I see him often. I have learnt to cope with the depression, it will still take some time to fully clear away, I suppose I cant do anything about that, it will just fade away over time.




This day I am still depressed at times. Not depressed everyday all day, just from time to time, usually when I am alone. I found out that I was just very lonely. Being around people was a major help for my depression. I felt like I wanted to be alone all the time, being around people was the last thing I wanted, but really that’s all I needed. Drinking alcohol in large quantities was a horrible solution, it sounded good at the time. It has fucked me up a little now, which I regret. I figured now that all I had to do was replace those horrible memories with new and good ones, nobody said it will be easy, it will take time, in the end it will be worth while though. The message that stuck in my head for a long time, which still does flicker from time to time “Don’t take no shit from no one”. I suppose it depends what kind of person you are, it may help some, may not help others. I believe this helps you at the time, but it the long run it wont get you nowhere. Using your fists will only keep you alive for a certain amount of time, it will begin to eat away at you. Being depressed I didn’t have much, I was holding onto everything I had so tightly. Too tightly, when I lost those things it tore me in half, it was insanely hard to move on. Don’t hold onto things to hard, because when you have to let go, its almost impossible. I still don’t sleep like the average person, eat as much as I should and still drinking a little more than the average person at my age. Its not so bad, Its not that serious I should be getting medical advice or anything, it’s the same again, just going to take time to even it out, its improving gradually over time. This story isn’t my life story, it focuses on my life through secondary school. I have a lot more that effected my depression also. At one point I actually started to bully people without realising, as I had it done to myself I just began to say stupid names to people without realising it affected them. I soon saw it effected them and stopped and realised what I was doing. I know how it feels to be bullied, no way would I want to become a bully myself, it leads many people into committing suicide and being depressed which is possibly the worst feeling you could ever have.

Over time I have learnt some phrases to help me:
It’s not worth fighting for if its not worth dying for.
There are always people out there 1000x worse conditions than you. - So don’t feel sorry for yourself.
You can only see the outside and feel the outside. You will never see inside or feel inside, so stop trying to find and feel it. - Don’t judge people.
Would you rather fall or fly?
Would you rather be bullied or be the bully? (be bullied)
Don’t question it, just love it.
It happens to someone, it may just be you. Don’t think “ah that’ll never happen to me”.
Quicker you get on with it, quicker it will be finished.
In life, we always end where we begin.
Never say “I know how you feel” when you haven’t experienced it, you may think you know. But truly you don’t.
Edited by Haunted, Apr 28 2010, 09:07 PM.
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Geenstijl
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Wow, i'm shocked.
I can not believe what you've been through! :O
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Obsidianboom

If people took the time to talk to you they would realise your a great person, I bet none of these bullies ever tried speaking to you before they judges you.
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Tom

Hai its Tom,

I feel rlly sad now :( I feel so sorry for you....
Its Good you got Accepted into Amies School :)

bye
Tom
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