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| DanDan's Unorthodox Quest!; The most obscene IAQ since Dead Horse V! | |
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| Topic Started: Nov 12 2008, 08:43 PM (107 Views) | |
| Jeff | Nov 12 2008, 08:43 PM Post #1 |
Lord of Pie & BBWs
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***DISCLAIMER*** Please read this first!!! In this topic will be posted the IAQ parodying the PlayStation version of the game entitled "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure". The following contains strong material not intended for minors including excessive violence, sexual themes, jokes and references, and very vulgar language. Fans of the original "JoJo" material will understand the reasons for these things - being the crude nature of the mangas and the ridiculously kiddy translation job on the PSX game, thus made ludicrously intense in response when made into an IAQ - but if you are easily offended, or thought SF-X was pushing boundaries, please do not read onward. At this point, any and all negative commentary in relation to the crude content of the IAQ will be ignored as a direct result of this disclaimer, and all complaints of that nature will be redirected here. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. --Jeff |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Nov 12 2008, 08:43 PM Post #2 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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DanDan’s Unorthodox Quest! Presented By: JeffCom Story: In a never-to-be-dubbed manga not-too-far away, we (‘we’ as in, ‘we internet pirates who downloaded the fan-translation of parts 1 and 2 of the comic’) witnessed the epic clash of the evil vampire lord, Italian Englishman, fighting against the oddly-named heroic family of Bob Bobberson, or BobBob as he was called by his friends. Thought to have been forever taken down along with BobBob, we thought we saw the last of Italian, but we were wrong. Over 100 years later, fishermen sailing off the coast of Africa found the plot-device in which Italian, who had lost his body in a fight never elaborated upon in this game and in such had stolen BobBob’s, was contained. Italian killed all the fishermen and has returned with a new, deadly power – a power known only as The Sit. Because Italian developed a Sit, the descendents of BobBob – perhaps feeling the contrived plot power emanating from their ancestors body, now attached to Italian’s once-severed head – also developed their own. Due to Italian’s evil influence over their Sits, the youngest from the line of BobBob, Daniel Danjo (affectionately referred to as DanDan by his mother) beat the hell out of a whole bunch of wanna-be thugs and nailed a bunch of hot honeys. Fearing his power could control him, DanDan locked himself in prison. In desperation, DanDan’s MILF mother called up DanDan’s grandfather – Jeffrey Jeffstar (called JeffJeff in his youth) to come to Japan and aid DanDan. --Controls— Control Pad/Left Analogue Stick: Move the characters back and forth, jump or duck. It’s a 2D fighter, you really oughta know how this works by now. Right Analogue Stick: Nothing. Moron. Start Button: Pauses the game. Select Button: Makes your character taunt. Usually involved a lewd gesture and a cultural reference too old for anyone young enough to buy this game to get. X Button: Turns sit on or off. Some characters have no sit and thus have unique actions assigned to this button. Square Button: Light attack. Quick, can combo, but not much power. Triangle Button: Medium attack. Well-balanced between speed and power. Circle Button: Heavy attack. Powerful, kind of slow. R1, L1, R2, and L2 Buttons: Various 2-button input from the above four buttons. L2 makes some characters fart, though, which I really don’t understand… --Gameplay Modes— Arcade: 8-Stage battle mode like any generic arcade game. The endings usually suck in these. (Check the character’s unique profiles for their endings). SP Story Mode: Fancy way of saying “This is how it actually happened in the manga, dipshit” Training Mode: Beat the hell out of a dummy, practice your moves. Simple stuff. VS. Mode: Beat the hell out of your friends, dummy. Options: Set difficulty (Arcade mode only), set time length for matches (Arcade/versus modes only), adjust volume and similar worthless crap to waste time. The “Save” function in this game is manual too, which sucks. Extra Crap: You unlock this by playing the SP Story Mode and not getting your pansy ass kicked. So get to it! --SP Story Mode: DanDan’s Venture— Seeing as how this particular mode takes up most of what this game is about, we’ll begin here. The stages in this game are made up into three different categories. They are: 1) Fight – Battle one-on-one in traditional JeffCom style. 2) Adventure – A reflex-based game where timing is critical. 3) Minigame – Anything can happen. Each one has its own set of instructions. Read them, dumbass. The overwhelming majority of the levels are standard fighting stages. General rules of thumb are as follows: 1) Almost all specials can be done via quarter-circle-forward + any two attack buttons or quarter-circle-back + any two attack buttons. 2) You get points for clearing the stage in various ways – some require you to play through twice. Mostly simple stuff like “All attacks launched from the ground/air” or “Never used Sit” or “Used nothing but Sit”, etc. There’s a million of ‘em and they’re only worth 1 point a pop, so you worry about them, not me. 3) In every level, not just fights, there is a “Nerd Factor” you can get. Each one is 10 points a pop, making them actually worth getting, but to do so you must do something in the fight to prove you read the comic and therefore validate your nerdiness. Now get to it. --Stage 1—Asswipe of Ethnic Stereotyping & Flames Narrator: DanDan had locked himself into prison, and if you read the instruction manual, you’d know that already. He felt as though he had been possessed by an evil spirit and though it was pretty swanky, he thought he’d look heroic and badass for locking himself up and trying to be honorable. DanDan: Something horribly, terribly evil is inside me… it must’ve happened recently. Oh, no, wait… that’s gas. Well, something ELSE that’s kind of evil is in me. And not in that “I gotta take a dump” way, either. I really think I’ve been possessed, like the faceless narrator guy said. Narrator: DanDan’s hot, MILF mother, Coltia, called her father, DanDan’s grandfather, in from America to help DanDan. The scene switches to the hi-res 2D sprites of DanDan, who is in a prison cell and looks like a Japanese gangster with his long, green coat and green hat and spiky, blonde hair, and JeffJeff, an Indiana Jones-look-alike, looking at one another. Hi-res portraits of them glaring at each other through the bars show up. JeffJeff: Hey, dumbass. Out of the cell. Now. DanDan: No. I feel far more like being an immature little bitch about this. JeffJeff: Two can play that game, dick. Hey! Crazy ethnic stereotype! Get over here! A tall, fat half-crazy guy walks over. He has dark skin and cornrows. Man: I’m an Egyptian-Japanese guy just like Yugi Moto! JeffJeff: This is some crazy guy I found in a gutter while going around the world. Because that’s what badass old men who used to kill Nazis and vampires do – tour the world. His name is Muhammad Genericguy. Now, kick his ass, Muhammad. Muhammad: Sure thing. JeffJeff: STFU and do something or you won’t get your table scraps tonight. Muhammad blasts the bars down with a fiery explosion we only half see the origin of. DanDan leaps back in surprise, and then shakes his fist as if he is fapping off. DanDan: You asswipe! GET OVER HERE AND DIE! --Battle—DanDan vs. Muhammad You take the role of DanDan in this not-so-epic battle. It’s the first level of the game, so it’s ridiculously easy. Unlike arcade mode, which is best 2-of-3, whoever wins one round, wins the match, which should be a piece of cake in this instance. Beat the hell out of him, with or without your Sit, it doesn’t matter. This fight is ridiculously easy; I guess it’s kind of your practice round. Anyways, it shouldn’t take very long Nerd Factor: Finish Muhammad off with QCF+AA which will send Dan’s Sit out, throwing fists with blazing speed. Muhammad will never block this and if he’s less than ½ full on his health, it’ll be fatal. Quote: “Even though I clearly could’ve left anytime I wanted, I guess because of you, I can walk out unobstructed now…” We’re taken back to the three men standing there and get more talking. Muhammad: Even though I clearly just got my ass kicked, I’m going to try to be cool and say it was a draw. DanDan: Keep telling yourself that. Muhammad: Ha-ha! Consider yourself fortunate! I was going to send you to the emergency room! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… DanDan: Right. That’s why I kicked your ass just now without even truly understanding the nature of this spirit thing. Muhammad: Ha-ha-ha…. Fuck you. JeffJeff: Listen up, numb nuts. The power you have is called a “Sit”, which comes from the phrase, “Sit by me” or something like that. Anyways, Italian Englishman, the mortal enemy of our clan, is still alive by having attached his severed head to the body of our ancestor – BobBob! DanDan: Who? JeffJeff: The hero of season 1, which will also never be translated. DanDan: Oh. Man, grandpa, you got shivved. JeffJeff: You’re telling me?! Anyways, we conveniently have a naming system for our Sits, using the tarot. Muhammad, if you please. Muhammad: Okay. Your Sit represents the “Star” card. DanDan: Star… Muhammad: Yes. The star represents hope. Since the Japanese have no freaking clue what the tarot is, we also ascribe colors to them. DanDan: That’s really gay. But, whatever. Muhammad: Let us see your Sit, DanDan. DanDan calls out his Sit, which is a tall, chesty woman wearing vaguely Aztec-ish armor with long, fire-like hair. Muhammad: Then it’s decided! It’ll be “Star Platinum”! DanDan: That name is incredibly gay and I hate it. Muhammad: Fine. What would you call it then, smart guy? DanDan: … Star Boobies. Muhammad: *Sigh* Fine. JeffJeff: *Snicker* Scene ends. Narrator: JeffJeff explained to DanDan about the plot device and Italian Englishman’s developing a Sit and how it has influenced the entire bloodline. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Nov 12 2008, 08:50 PM Post #3 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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--Stage 2—Who’s Going to Say Whose Is Bigger?! DanDan finds himself standing in the nurse’s office, an unconscious woman before him and an incredibly lanky, boobless girl before him. DanDan: Uhh… did I just get laid? Girl: No, moron, JeffCom cut the scene before this one. DanDan: Oh. Wait, who are you again? Girl: I am the somewhat androgynous Noboobed Krakkajim! DanDan: Okay… Krakkajim. … are you a boy or a girl? Krakkajim: Girl. I promise. DanDan: o… kay… Krakkajim: … it’s your line. DanDan: Oh! Right. There’s something… wrong with you. You’re a JeffCom girl, yet you have no DD’s… Krakkajim: That’s because I, too, am a Sit user! Ha-ha-ha! DanDan: … Krakkajim: You messed that line up intentionally, didn’t you? DanDan: Yeah pretty much. Krakkajim: No matter! Krakkajim calls out her Sit, which is a tall, curvy woman with green armor with vein-like structures running throughout it. Krakkajim: My Sit! Hierophant Tentaclerape! DanDan: What? That is your Sit? It looks like someone picked out the worst hentai ever and cross-bred it with a cantaloupe… it’s all green and lined… Krakkajim: Let me give you a warning, DanDan, my Sit has a bigger bust – which means that there’s no way I can lose! DanDan: What? My Sit has a MUCH bigger bust than that! I don’t scare so easy! C’mon! --Battle—DanDan vs. Krakkajim Krakkajim is only a tiny bit more difficult than Muhammad was. She’s a speed-oriented character rather than a power-based one, though, which gives you an even bigger advantage than before. Just go ballistic. I recommend keeping close though, as Krakkajim plays a good shoto-spam game if given the chance. Nerd Factor: Same as Muhammad. QCF+AA. Beat her to death. Quote: “I told you my Sit has bigger ones! … Well, I guess it doesn’t matter now, huh?” After the fight, you’ll see DanDan and Krakkajim in a compromising position. Krakkajim: I feel… awkward. DanDan: Just hold still for a moment, dumb ass. A picture of DanDan’s Sit removing a strange thing from Krakkajim’s forehead is shown. DanDan: Even though this is completely different from the original manga, I already know that Italian Englishman can use buds of flesh to manipulate people. Convenient, I know. But my Sit is as precise as a machine! Tah-dah! DanDan’s Sit snaps the bud into bits. Krakkajim: Y-you saved me. DanDan: What? Damn, I was hoping that taking it out would’ve killed you… Krakkajim: Why did you save me? DanDan: … err… I dunno. Krakkajim: Yay! Now people can make hentai of us for years to come! DanDan: … I’d kick your ass now, but then I’d end up having to do more work myself… so, you’re just going to come along with me. Bitch. Krakkajim: ‘k. Scene ends. Narrator: It wasn’t too much longer into the manga when suddenly, the heroes discovered Coltia had developed a Sit! Due to her lack of fighting spirit, her Sit was slowly molesting her! Using JeffJeff’s psychography ability and DanDan’s Sit’s amazing vision, they were able to conveniently notice a fly in a pitch-black picture that was only found in the Aswan region of Egypt. So they began to make preparations for going to Egypt. Krakkajim: I will go with you! I always wanted to be surrounded by a group of muscular men! JeffJeff: WTF ever. Don’t worry, Coltia, we will save you! Krakkajim: YAY! Narrator: So, the four headed for Egypt by plane… |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Nov 12 2008, 08:52 PM Post #4 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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--Stage 3—What the hell is That Supposed to Be? The scene opens with the four characters standing in the aisle way of a plane. JeffJeff: Be careful, guys. You never know when we’ll be attacked! After all this was a manga originally, it doesn’t have to make a damn bit of sense for bad shit to go down. DanDan: Seriously. Suddenly a somewhat large… thing… appears behind DanDan. I have no idea what that is. JeffJeff: The hell is that? DanDan: Ahh. Funny. Trying to make me look the other way so you can laugh at me. JeffJeff: No, dumb shit, there’s some… THING behind you! I don’t even know what that’s supposed to be. DanDan: Eh? DanDan turns around as the thing tries to attack him. DanDan calls out Star Boobies and tries to swat at it, but it’s too fast. DanDan: WTF?! It’s faster than Star Boobies?! WHAT THE HELL?! HAX! JeffJeff: Muhammad, you’re a master of crap that makes no damn sense. What is it? Muhammad: Hell if I know. JeffJeff: Why do I even bother letting you live? Muhammad: Cuz I’m an ethnic stereotype, which means I’ll die before too much longer. JeffJeff: Oh… right. That’s why… Krakkajim: DanDan! It’s trying to stick something up your butt! DanDan: FU— DanDan swings at it again. It dodges again. DanDan: --CK-- Sit: Kee kee kee! Idiots! You can’t hit me! I’m way faster than any of you dumb shits! DanDan: --ER!!! An old man randomly walks up. Old Man: What’s going on here? Krakkajim: Nothing. Krakkajim karate chops the man, dropping him unconscious. Krakkajim: Now it’s my time to shine! Let’s go! Hierophant Tentaclerape! --Battle—Krakkajim vs. Whatever that’s supposed to be This battle is surprisingly hard. Shoto-spamming her normal “Boobless Flash” works well to wear it down, but it moves REALLY fast. Her special variant of the Boobless Flash works well, but you don’t have much energy to work with on this level, so instead, you’ll have to wait until it builds up a little which, in this fight, can get really difficult. Just be careful and be quick on the trigger. Nerd Factor: Kill whatever that thing is with the Hierophant’s tentacle rape attack. Quote: “How do you like that? RIGHT UP YOUR POOPER!” The scene cuts back to the four just as whatever it is explodes in a spectacular shower of blood. Krakkajim: Eww! Blood! Icky! Icky! DanDan: You’re squeamish around blood, yet you dig the tentacle rape? Krakkajim: I’m a special girl. DanDan: Yeah. Like “I-ride-the-short-bus-to-school” kind of special. JeffJeff: Why does it feel like the plane is tilting? DanDan: Oh, poop… The four rush into the cockpit. Muhammad: This is bad! He killed the pilots! JeffJeff: Yes, idiot, we know. That’s a real grasp of the obvious you got there… The old man from before walks in, bleeding out of every open cavity he has. Old Man: Ha ha haaa! Now you’re screwed! The old man drops dead. DanDan: Shiiiii… hey, old man, don’t you know how to fly a plane? JeffJeff: Well, vaguely. But if I goofed, this would be the third time I crashed a plane! I mean, seriously, how many people can say that? DanDan: Y’know what I say? I say – I AM NEVER FLYING WITH YOU EVER AGAIN!!! Scene Ends. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Nov 12 2008, 08:53 PM Post #5 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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--Stage 4—Chivalry Isn’t Dead, But it’s Limping a Little Narrator: After narrowly escaping the wreckage, the four ended up in Hong Kong. JeffCom has also cut out another brief snippet from the manga, so we’ll move right along. Muhammad: WTF? How did we end up in some kind of garden place? DanDan: Supposedly, this place is famous, even though I sure as hell have never heard of it before. JeffJeff: Huh? Who is that? A tall, curvy, buxom girl wearing a purple tank top and khaki pants stands there with long, white hair falling down to her waist. Girl: Y’know, if I put my hair up into the air, I’d totally look like a DTK character! Oh. Right. You guys. *Ahem*. Ha-ha-ha! Muhammad! I predict your future! You’re going to go fuck yourself! DanDan: Muhammad… Muhammad: Don’t worry, DanDan, this place is nice and open so I can use my Sit to its maximum power – Magician’s Burning Discharge! Muhammad calls out a Sit that’s a tall humanoid figure with a bird’s head and zero originality. DanDan: No. I just wanted to remind you that you owe me five bucks. Muhammad: … oh. DanDan: Well, have fun. DanDan, JeffJeff and Krakkajim leave casually. Muhammad: I am so alone… Girl: Well, you’ll always have me! I am – Jeannie Pierrette Polnareffa! My Sit – Big Bust Chariot! Polnareffa calls out her Sit – a knight-like Sit with long hair, large breasts, child-birthing hips and a rapier. --Battle—Muhammad vs. Polnareffa Polnareffa is a powerful charge-type character. Spamming close-quarters moves is probably the best way to go. Polnareffa is a fairly powerful individual, so you’ll be able to amass energy in this fight for special spamming quickly. You’ll be fine, as long as you mind her special move – which does a TON of damage. Nerd Factor: Defeat her using Cross-Burning Discharge-Hurricane – QCB – AA. Quote: “You cannot best me in fortune telling! I’m the ethnic stereotype, after all!” After the fight, Polnareffa falls flat. Polnareffa: I got careless… and I let myself get beaten… by such a worthless throw-a-way character… Muhammad: I’d be upset, but even I know it’s true… look, I don’t really want to kill you. You’re kind of hot. Polnareffa: … Muhammad: I’ll put out the flames on your body if you agree to go out with me. Polnareffa: Kill me. Muhammad: I’m sad in a JeffCom game. DanDan walks on-screen and punches Muhammad in the head, knocking him flat, and then he extinguishes the fire and removes the implant in Polnareffa’s head. Muhammad: GERMANCHOCOLATECAKEISDELICIOUS! DanDan: There. You’ll be okay now. JeffJeff: Nicely done! I bet now she’ll be much more co-operative. Maybe she’ll know something about Italian! Muhammad: … nobody likes me, everybody hates me… Narrator: Polnareffa, freed from Italian Englishman’s control, explained to DanDan and company about her ambition to find and extract revenge upon the man with two left feet. She then agrees to join the others in an effort to find him and avenger her little sister’s death. Scene ends. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Nov 12 2008, 08:55 PM Post #6 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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--Stage 5—It’s a Trap! Adventure Game! Instructions: Follow the story through this portion and every so often you’ll be prompted to put in commands on the control pad. Succeed and the story progresses, fail and you lose health – lose all your health and it’s game over! Narrator: With Polnareffa in tow, the team head by sea towards Singapore to avoid any more airborne battles. Sailor: Hey! I found this girl onboard! When we hit the shore, I’m turning her in to the cops! Girl: Damn these enormous breasts JeffCom insisted on giving me! They slowed me down from escaping! Let me go you bastard! I’ll cut you! I’ll cut you bad! I’ll cut you so bad… err… you’ll… you’ll wish I didn’t cut you so bad! *STAB!* Sailor: OW! MY EYE! A splash is heard as we see a cut of the girl diving into the water, while the sailor dances around maniacally attempting to remove the knife in his eye. Polnareffa: Whoa! What a crazy bitch! I like her! Sailor: MY EYE! MY EYE! OH! THE UN-ENDING AGONY! JeffJeff: I think what he meant to say was that there are sharks around here! HEY! STUPID GIRL! THERE ARE SHARKS AROUND HERE! COME BACK! QUICK! A splash is heard again as we see DanDan dive into the water and grab the girl and begin swimming back towards the boat. DanDan: Well, well. You’re causing us a lot of grief for only having just met us. A shadow appears underneath DanDan and the girl. JeffJeff: DanDan! Beneath you! Is that a shark?! Muhammad: Seriously, who the hell mentioned sharks, anyways? Command prompt comes up. It’s random each time, but your only options are left or right. Failing just brings you back to the prompt. Otherwise, you continue on with the story. Krakkajim: DanDan! I’ll help! Hierophant Tentaclerape! My Sit can cover the distance! DanDan: HURRY THE HELL UP! A shot of Krakkajim’s Sit pulling DanDan and the girl up is shown. Polnareffa: Whatever that shadow was, it vanished! JeffJeff: It’s not a shark? Then… the alternative is that it’s a Sit! Muhammad: No one but YOU thought there were sharks! JeffJeff: Shut the hell up and know your place, extra! Muhammad: Yes, sir. Suddenly, the captain shows up. Captain Imposter is his name. … Okay… Imposter: Is she the one? This girl? Girl: *Gasp!* Sailor: OH GOD THE PAIN IS NEVER ENDING!!! Imposter: Oh, quit being so melodramatic! WALK IT OFF! Sailor: HOWCOULDTHISHAPPENTOMEIMADEMYMISTAKESGOTNOWHERETORUN… DanDan: … A shot of Imposter noticing DanDan smoking a cigarette is shown. Imposter: Hey! Smoking is prohibited on deck! Dip shit. The shot changes to Imposter smothering the cig on DanDan’s coat. DanDan: WHY YOU DIRTY MOTHER FUCKING GOAT SUCKING SON OF A BITCH TWAT FLICKER! Polnareffa: … oh my. JeffJeff: He’s one “Fuck” away from becoming a rapper… DanDan: BASTARD! You messed up my coat! JeffJeff: C’mon, DanDan, don’t get so pissy. DanDan: I’M AN ANIME CHARACTER! I ONLY HAVE ONE SET OF CLOTHES! JeffJeff: Oh! He does have a point… still; you shouldn’t be rude to the captain or something like that. DanDan: This buttfucker isn’t the real captain. He’s an IMPOSTER! Imposter: How dare you imply that I, Captain Imposter, am an imposter! DanDan: I can prove it. Whenever the smoke of a cigarette touches a Sit user’s nose, the vein on their genitals bulges out! Cuts to JeffJeff, Muhammad, Polnareffa, Krakkajim and Imposter grabbing their crotches. All but DanDan & the Girl: Really?! Polnareffa: Are you serious, DanDan? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! DanDan: No. I totally made all that shit up just now. But now we know who the REAL dumbshit is. Imposter: DAMN IT! Girl: I’m confused… Imposter: I admire your cool and concise attitude. I admit it – I am a Sit User! The user of the Sit – Worthless-outside-of-Water Moon! The moon represents— JeffJeff: Shitty magical girl anime. Imposter: -- shitty magical girl anime… wait, NO! It represents deception and betrayal! Shot of Imposter grabbing the girl, and leaping into the water. Imposter: THINK YOU CAN STOP ME?! Command prompt – again, left or right. Shot of Imposter being beaten by DanDan’s Sit as it pulls the girl to safety. Imposter: IMPOSSIBLE! The speed of the attack was faster than the speed of the fall! FUUUUUUUUUUUUU— DanDan: ORAL ORAL ORAL ORAL ORAL ORAL ORAL ORAL ORAAAAAAL!!! *Splash* DanDan: !!! JeffJeff: DanDan! What’s wrong? DanDan: The faggot’s trying to drag me under with him! JeffJeff: Everyone! Grab a hold of him! Polnareffa: We won’t make it in time! DanDan: SHIII— *Splash* Scene changes to DanDan being underwater along with Imposter and his Sit. Imposter: Welcome to my domain! Worthless-out-of-Water Moon thrives in the depths of the sea! DanDan: … Imposter: You can speak through your Sit underwater. DanDan: I know. I was just wondering… Imposter: What? How long I can hold my breath? Try 10 minutes! DanDan: Actually, I was thinking about how bad the water will taste once you piss yourself after I beat you to death. Come to think of it, I’m kind of hungry. I think I’ll chop your Sit up into sashimi and pour a tiny bit vinegar across it. Imposter: Trying to be badass by quoting the original manga? I don’t think so! Did you not notice the whirlpool my Sit conjured up when we fell down here? You’ll drown! Now, it’s time for the sashimi to be SLICED! DanDan: For once, I agree with you. Prompt – this time any of the four cardinal directions. DanDan: STAAAAAAAAR FINGAAAAAH!!! Star Boobies extends her middle finger and cuts Imposter’s head in half. DanDan: Dinner is served and you’ve gotten the deep-six. That’s what you get for fucking with my coat. Scene ends. Nerd Factor: Clear it without losing any health. Quote: “This sashimi is quite good, DanDan. What did you use in it? … DanDan? |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Nov 12 2008, 08:59 PM Post #7 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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--Stage 6—Empty Boat and Empty Head Minigame time! Instructions: After the brief dialogue, you’ll be brought to a scene of DanDan chasing after his target. Use the crosshair to aim and “O” button to attack the target that’ll randomly appear on the 3x3 grid. Break the objects it’ll throw at you and be sure to NEVER hit the girl or she’ll sue you for everything you’re worth. The scene opens with the team standing in a hallway on board some boat they ran into by accident. DanDan: We’re lucky that this ship nearly ran us over and we jumped on board as quickly as we could! Now we can travel with a little style. Muhammad: Perhaps, but where are the ship’s captain and crew? JeffJeff: Holy flaming mocchi shit! Muhammad said something useful! Krakkajim: Something feels… off. Might there be a Sit user nearby? From the ceiling a tin, robotic hedgehog that I’m positive I’ve seen in another game before this one appears. DanDan: … okay. That was weird. Hedgehog: When I asked JeffCom for a walk-on role this is definitely not what I had in mind… DanDan: It’s not just an innocent robot! IT’S OUT FOR BLOOD! Hedgehog: Huh? Wait, what? DanDan: IT’S CHARGING! STAND BACK! I’LL KILL IT! Hedgehog: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!! --Minigame—DanDan vs. SF-X Just be quick on the button and be careful not to hit the girl (you lose health for doing so). Nerd Factor: Clear it with full health and within a minute Quote: “I didn’t want another hero to upstage me, honestly…” Scene re-opens with an unconscious, bloody and badly-dented SF-X lying on the floor with DanDan and the random girl who is never named anywhere in the DanDan continuity examine him. DanDan: That was quite a shock. I didn’t imagine JeffCom would have a crossover so early in their game-making careers. Girl: ZOMG! The ship is contorting like something out of Dali’s paintings! DanDan: Huh? What are you talking about? Girl: It’s getting… juicy in here~ DanDan: You seriously need to lay off the whacky weed, little one. Girl: Yay! Pink turtles and purple puppies partying together in perfect harmony! JeffJeff: Let’s just… go. Quickly. DanDan: Right. Scene ends. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Nov 12 2008, 09:01 PM Post #8 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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--Stage 7—Release Your Idiotic One-Liners! The scene opens with Polnareffa standing alone in a hotel room, not too far from a small fridge. She notices the food and drinks on her bed and she turns to the fridge. Polnareffa: Hey! Dumb ass! Out of my fridge! She kicks the fridge, which falls over and a tall, muscular Native American man rolls out, then stands up. Man: O… ow… Polnareffa: You! I can sense your murderous ambitions! They are… ambitious and… murderous and violently nasty… wait a sec… “Violently nasty”? Who the hell wrote this crap? And what were they drinking at the time? “Violently nasty”? They really want me to say that? What the fu… Man: *Ahem* Polnareffa: Oh. Right. The guy who lives in my fridge. Who are you again? Man: *Ah-ah-ahem* AH-HAH-HAH! I AM DEN-O! THE CURSED KAMEN RIDER FAN! How is it that you sensed me? Polnareffa: Are you kidding? Anyone could sense the bad vibes you put o--… no. Fuck it. I’m not using JeffCom’s script. Polnareffa grabs a manga book marked “DanDan #15” from her backpack and flips in a few pages. Polnareffa: Here we go. *Ahem* “Dumbshit! You left the food on the bed in plain sight!” Den-o: Kamen Rider Black! Polnareffa: Big-Bust Chariot! Polnareffa’s sit stabs Den-o’s, which is a little Kamen Rider doll holding a cleaver. Den-o: OW! FUCK! Polnareffa: You’re too slow! Den-o: SCREW YOU! YOU WILL BE CURSED! --Battle—Polnareffa vs. Den-o This battle can be easy, if you’re prepared. Immediately put up your sit and let him have it. Fighting carelessly will have its consequences, largely because Den-o’s specials do a LOT of damage. However, when Den-o has his Sit on, his main body becomes defenseless, so exploit that as best as you can. This fight may take some practice, but you can do it with a little patience. Polnareffa is a great charge-type character who can also play a poking game when she must. Nerd Factor: Beat Den-o by only hitting Kamen Rider Black with the rapid-stab attack on a Saturday when the moon is full and while a Republican is in the presidential office and… Quote: “I spit upon you a thousand times and not in the super-fun-happy kind of way!” The scene returns to the hotel room again, this time with Den-o out of the picture, but Kamen Rider Black standing there before Polnareffa. Polnareffa: Okay, listen up cuz you only get one chance to answer me. Where is the man with two left feet? Den-o: Get bent. Polnareffa: Final answer? Fine. Big-Bust Chariot leaps out and stabs Kamen Rider Black clear off the screen, a shower of blood hosing the screen and surroundings. Den-o: BLARGH! MY INTERNAL ORGANS!!! Scene ends. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Nov 12 2008, 09:04 PM Post #9 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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--Stage 8—Temperate Zone – The Lame Power Scene opens with DanDan and what appears to be a Simpson’s™ take on Krakkajim, as she’s excessively tall and all yellow, including her sailor uniform. She punches DanDan in the back of the head. DanDan: GERMANCHOCOLATECAKEISDELICIOUS! Krakkajim?: Oops! Watch out, DanDan! DanDan turns around and glares menacingly. Krakkajim?: What? I was just playing around! Mellow out! Don’t you have a sense of humor? C’mon, quit glaring at me. DanDan: You fucking bitch! I hated you since day one! ORAL! DanDan socks who we at first believed to be Krakkajim in the jaw only to find her jaw turned off to the side. DanDan: What the heck? Okay, now that I’ve established that you are not Krakkajim, who are you? ???: Not quite the same as a friend being controlled or possessed… The yellow head separates and shows a normally-colored man’s head within the yellow carapace. Man: I am Rubber Mann! DanDan: Uh-huh. Filming for the classic SF series is down the hall and to the right. Rubber: My Sit, Temperate Zone, is a Sit that can not only be seen, but touched and felt as well! It’s a Sit of flesh that consumes that which touches it! Just remember how handsome I am. DanDan: Fair enough. Just one question. Are you gay? Rubber: No, why? DanDan: Well, the name was a little… never mind. But why’d you pick Krakkajim? Rubber: He was the best looking of the team. DanDan: Krakkajim’s a chick. Rubber: … Get outta town. DanDan: No, I’m serious. Rubber: *Sigh* Well, shit; now I get to go down in history as this series’ first cross-dressing villain. Wonderful. DanDan: Can we get to the fight now? --Battle—DanDan vs. Rubber Mann This guy is a surprising pain. You’ll probably have difficulty against him the first time around, but you’ll figure out his moves sooner or later. He loves to jump around quickly and spam crap, so just keep your eyes open. Lay on heavy hits and corner jam him whenever you can. Nerd Factor: Get hit by his counter move once (you’ll probably do this by accident, granted how often he does it) Quote: “Onomatopoeia for the win!” The scene resumes with a cowering Rubber Mann in the corner, holding his arms up defensively. Rubber: N-no! Please stop! I can’t fight anymore! DanDan: … your Sit is weak against water? Rubber: … yes. DanDan: … gay. Anyways, tell me about the other Sit users sent by Italian. DanDan stands as if he’s about to beat the guy’s head in. Rubber: I can’t! I won’t betray my comrades! DanDan: Huh. You’re a loyal guy. I guess I have to recognize that and act badass now. Rubber: Oh, right. Umm~ but I can tell you their names! Emperor, Blabbermouth Queeny, Hanged-Up-On-Man and Taxes. DanDan: Aren’t these things based on the tarot or something? Rubber: Consistency is a luxury not all of us can afford. Anyways, one of ‘em killed Polnareffa’s sister. DanDan: Finally! A freakin’ lead. Gotta tell the others. DanDan turns around and begins walking away. Rubber: Ha-ha! Rubber Mann’s Krakkajim get-up returns and he prepares to launch an attack. Rubber: Aha! Idiot! You turned your back to me! DIE! Rubber leaps at DanDan, but Star Boobies leaps out and smashes her fist into Rubber’s head, hurling him off screen. DanDan: Losers like you need to remember something. I’m the main character. Bitches. I got plot armor 40-feet-thick. Scene ends. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Nov 12 2008, 09:06 PM Post #10 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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--Stage 9— Wandering Prick The scene opens in an old, rustic town in India. Polnareffa casually strolls onto the scene and is addressed by a cowboy-like fellow who is obviously American because of his blonde hair and blue eyes. Man: The gun is mightier than the sword… remember those words of wisdom. Polnareffa: I think that had a double-meaning somehow or the other… anyways, I’m looking for a man with two left feet! Do you know him? Man: I know a lot of white guys… Polnareffa: … Polnareffa points at him dramatically. Polnareffa: No, idiot! I mean a man who literally has two left feet! Man: Oh. Him. Right. Yeah. He’s my partner. And he’s nearby. Polnareffa: What? Where? Where is he? Man: You don’t need to know – because I’m going to kill you right here. Polnareffa: Hey, if I gotta kick your ass in order to find him, that’s fine by me! Man: The name’s Dull Dorf. Here’s a tip – my Sit is a pistol. Polnareffa: Hmm? You beat your pistol? Bad boy! Dull: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Polnareffa: EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEE! Dull Dorf whips out his Sit which is, in fact, a pistol – the Emperor. Dull: BITCH! THAT JOKE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE AMERICANIZED VERSION OF THIS GAME! Polnareffa: SCREW YOU! I’M NOT OBEYING CRAPPY SCRIPT WRITERS! You think I can’t parry bullets with my rapier?! Wait, huh? Big-Bust Chariot leaps out and swings her sword, but the bullet changes trajectories and zips around her. Polnareffa: What the--?! I missed? How?! Muhammad Genericguy leaps on-screen and knocks Polnareffa over, barely avoiding the bullet Muhammad: Polnareffa! You’re being careless again! They know more about us than we know about them! Dull: What a rude interruption and very disjointed, might I add. Muhammad: Watch it! The bullets are coming back around! I’ll blast them! MAGICIAN’S BURNING DISCHARGE! A shadow emerges from the ground. Muhammad: Oh, shit, this is the part where I die, right? Dull: Yeah. Muhammad is shot in the head after being distracted by the Sit from the ground. Muhammad: WHOOOOAAAA NELLY!!! Muhammad falls flat and Krakkajim rushes on-screen. Krakkajim: Muhammad! No! Dull: Huh. That was easy. I guess he really was just an ethnic stereotype after all. I was concerned he might actually use that flame for something worthwhile, but I guess I was wrong. Polnareffa: … damn it. Krakkajim: Don’t give in to his taunting! We gotta fall back for now! Polnareffa: After all this? I wanted to kill that old perverted bastard! HAVE AT YOU, DULL DORF! The Sit from before emerges, this time clearly being reflected off of the blood from Muhammad’s head. Sit: Don’t be sad, Polnareffa! You’ll rot in Hell with him! I, The Hanged-Up-On-Man, will see to it! Oh, hang on – important call. W-wait! Don’t hang up on m--… FUCK! THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS! Dull: … (well, yeah… your Sit’s name is…) Polnareffa: Aha! You must be J. Gay! I’ll kill you too! --Battle—Polnareffa vs. Dull Dorf & J. Gay You’re not actually fighting two people, so don’t worry. Dull Dorf is your concern here, and he loves to spam bullets, so be prepared. There is a slight hiccup of time between the bullet’s appearing, and then the bullet’s firing, so take advantage of that. Grabs are effective in this fight, I’ve found, so just remember that. This fight is tough and the nerd factor, tougher, so be ready. Nerd Factor: Win by a time-out (not as easy as it sounds) Quote: “Hey! Get back here, bitch!” Polnareffa: Good! We got away. I heard that little faggot, J. Gay over here! I’LL FREAKIN’ KILL HIM GOOD! Krakkajim: I wish JeffCom would quit cutting so much out of the cutscenes… Polnareffa and Krakkajim find a man lying on the ground. Polnareffa: J. Gay! You are a bastard faggot and I’m going to beat the hell out of you! Krakkajim: Wait, Polnareffa! He has a right foot! He is not the man with two left feet! Polnareffa: Wha--? Polnareffa is hit from behind by the Hanged-up-on Man. Polnareffa: GERMANCHOCOLATECAKEISDELICIOUS!!! The screen pans over and we see an ugly, deformed little man sitting there with a small ribbon on his head. J. Gay: My mommy says I’m pretty. Oh! Right. You. Ha-ha! I tricked you! I am the true J. Gay! The man with two left feet! Anyways~ Polnareffa: What are you going to do now? J. Gay: Excuse me, poor peoples! These two ladies here have told me they want to give you all money! A huge crowd of people surround Polnareffa and Krakkajim. Polnareffa: DAMN IT! The Hanged-up-on Man is leaping from one man’s eye to the next! J. Gay: Ha-ha! You spent the prime of your life hunting me down to avenge your sister, but now you’ll die in vain! Polnareffa: YOU BASTARD! Krakkajim: Now, now, Polnareffa, that is not what you say while taking revenge. Krakkajim presents a big, shiny coin, which immediate commands the crowd’s attention. She flips it high into the air. Krakkajim: You say, “I am Noboobed Krakkajim! For the sake of Polnareffa’s sister and our compatriot, Muhammad Genericguy, we will make you pay for your crimes in Hell! Polnareffa: Ahh! All the poor people are looking at the coin! Nice going! The crowd shuffles aside, after the coin, leaving J. Gay in the open. J. Gay: Oh… Polnareffa: NOW DIE! J. Gay: Fuck. Polnareffa’s Sit leaps out and stabs the hell out of J. Gay, hurling him into a nearby telephone booth where he is hung upside-down by the telephone chord with the receiver next to his ear. Phone: If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try again, or press 0 for assistance. Krakkajim: Now he really is a Hanged-up-on Man. Literally. Polnareffa: The puns in this game suck. Scene ends. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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10:05 AM Dec 2
