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| Root's Gaming Rants; Anything from Steam Games to...anything | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 4 2008, 12:55 AM (93 Views) | |
| Root | Aug 4 2008, 12:55 AM Post #1 |
The Speaker for the Dead
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Hello all of Four Against Nature! I'm Root and I've finally decided to get up off my ass and do a review of some games! I'm going to be doing a variety of different games that I feel worthy of ranting about. For those who don't know, I like to view myself as a casual gamer who enjoys quite a spectrum of games. If you can't already tell, I'm writing this at 1:30 in the morning currently, so I'm not responsible if I insult your family or something. Anyway, on with the show-err, rants. Ranting. Yes. First game on our list is a Steam-Powered game called "The Ship" So, let's start first with a bit of a background glimpse of this game. Ever play Clue? Yeah, it's pretty much like that. Kind of interesting actually, the first time you see it. The Ship is some sort of twisted reflection of Clue and The Sims. Yes, someone actually made a game that combines a mystery-themed game a life-style simulation game. I don't know WHO thought this was a good idea, but they got money for it because the game costs $10. Let me just warn you now, you're paying $10 for a game that will make you more paranoid than I already am around Jeff, Sean, and Remmy. Now THAT is saying something. Seriously, this game will fuck with your mind because you will think EVERYBODY and their dog Scruffy is after you. Which reminds me... I know I haven't actually explained what you do in the game yet, so I'll get right on that now! Basically, you are a passenger on a cruise-liner. You have a 'quarry', which is a person that you need to kill. The catch is, as you can probably imagine, that you can be someone's 'quarry'. So essentially, the idea of the game is to kill your quarry, but avoid being killed yourself. Simple eh? Not really. Why? There are security cameras, witnesses, security guards, etc that are always watching you. If you have a weapon out in the open, you will be thrown in jail (more on this subject later). However, if you have the weapon in your inventory, they'll continue to ignore you until you accidentally hit one of your number keys and take it out. The idea of the game is pretty simple, and you would think that it's an easy game to play! Except I forgot to mention one little thing. Needs. That's right. Needs. Things that you (obviously) need to do. Like shower, use the lavatory, eat, drink, sleep, etc. If you don't fulfill these needs (Shown as little circles on the side of your screen) you will in most respects...die. (Certain needs, like sleep, if not attended to will cause you to fall asleep where you stand. Which when someone is trying to murder you, is NOT a good thing if you couldn't already tell.) So now you've got a good idea of what the gameplay is like! For the lazy, here's a description in a nutshell: Kill your quarry with the weapon that will yield you the most money, while avoid being killed by your hunter and attend to your needs. Now you're saying "Well, okay Root, but where's the rant? The cursing, the rolling of heads?!". Well, I was just about to get to that, so shut up. Now, don't get me wrong - this game is pretty fun considering. However, it has more than one flaw to it that I just can't get my head around. Let's start with finding a weapon. Finding a weapon. To kill your quarry, you obviously need something to kill them with. Now, in this game this can be anything from an umbrella, to a poisonous injection. However, it is a matter of FINDING The damn things. I've personally started games trying to find a weapon in dozens of rooms, checking all cabinets, side tables, desks, EVERYTHING to no avail, only to have my fucking hunter come and hit me with a golf club and kill me with NO WAY TO DEFEND MYSELF OTHER THAN TO SIT THERE AND GO "DUR-HUR, NICE DRIVE LOLZ" That hasn't happened to me TOO much, but when it does it's frustrating. So even with that aside, there are still a few things that irk me. For instance... If you do manage to find a weapon, you can actually end up killing your attacker thus making you win the day, right? WRONG. 100% wrong. Yes, you can KILL your attacker, but they just RESPAWN. I killed my attacker once, and feeling relived, walked down the hall to attend to one of my needs. I got killed at the coffee-bar thing, drinking by my hunter. So yes, it's pretty much a moot point to kill your hunter since they'll just come back a few seconds later, the only difference being is they're probably a wee bit pissed off. Now, you may have noticed that I went to a sort of "restaurant" to drink, let's say? This brings me to my next point... The places you can be killed, caught, or whatever are simply astounding. By that, I mean they just seem to be completely random. For instance, I killed my quarry one round, but then had to use the lavatory. So I went to the Men's room, and in an act to defend myself, took out my weapon and basically said "I'm killing anyone who comes in here". I did this, and got caught somehow. The only way this could have been is if they put CAMERAS IN THE BATHROOM. SO YES, THEY'RE SPYING ON YOU WHILE YOU USE THE FACILITIES. IT'S LIKE BIG BROTHER ALL OVER AGAIN. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK? And it's NOT just the Men's room! Apparently, when Remmy tried the exact same thing, the woman's room was being spied on too! Now, you may be wondering: "Golly gee Root! If you get caught, what happens?!" Well, the answer is quite simple. They go to jail for about a minute. YES THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT, THE POLICE THROW THEM IN THE 'BRIG' AND AFTER A MINUTE THEY SAY 'WELL, YOU ATTEMPTED MURDER, BUT THAT'S A-OK IN THIS GAME, OFF YOU GO THEN!" And then, there are GREIFERS. I KNOW THAT'S NOT SPELT RIGHT. THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO KILL YOU FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON. THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO PISS ME OFF. IT'S LIKE THEY CAME OUT OF SOME HELL HOLE LIKE GUNBOUND OR SOMETHING. YES, NOW I'M REALLY FUCKING INFURIATED. Okay okay. The other few little things that get me are probably the map designs. Some of them make it nearly impossible to fulfill your needs. One of them doesn't have ANYWHERE to get a drink. So you die of dehydration fairly easily, while you get lost on your ship WITH your hunter trying to kill you - while they're dying of hunger or dehydration too! Let's not forget one memorable time I went to a restaurant on board the ship. I went into a public area and starting eating. My hunter came up and killed me. In the middle of a fucking restaurant. No body stopped him. He just came in and killed me. I was completely fucking shocked. I cannot understand how a guy could just walk into a restaurant with some sort of weapon, and KILL ME without there being SOME sort of you know, security there. I just couldn't fucking believe it. Oh yes, I was pissed. That just about covers all of it, I think. At least I hope, because if there's more I'm probably going to bust an artery or something. There were a few other things that pissed me off, like having no map and basically GUESSING where you had to be. Being randomly killed in restaurants, bathrooms, etc. pissed me off too, but I don't think anything tops being killed in a first-class public diner. Nothing. And so, now you have my rant on The Ship. Is it worth getting? I think so. However, I wouldn't recommend playing it mass amounts - you'll probably end up getting so damn frustrated with it, you'll break your head or your monitor. Or both. I honestly don't care what you do, so long as it doesn't implicate me. As I said, there are probably other things I could add to this list of "things that annoy me" but I'm going to be broad in this review. I could nit-pick, but I'm too damn lazy. Anyways, I'm Root and I hope you enjoyed my rant of the ship. I personally don't think it's as good as say, Sean or Jeff's rants, but I try. After all, this is my first one. Seeyah later, or something. Edited by Root, Aug 4 2008, 01:04 AM.
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Does being the only sane one make me the insane one, in a sort of way? Though my eyes could see, I was still a blind man; Though my mind could think, I still was a madman... "Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run...there's still time to change the road you're on" | |
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| Rem | Aug 4 2008, 01:06 AM Post #2 |
Why yes, I do like snickerdoodles.
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Haha, I love the Ship. Once I went into a private room, close all the doors, and hopped into the bed because my sleep bar was low. A few seconds later, someone who was NOT my hunter runs in, stabs me to death, then promptly jumped on my dead body and fell asleep. I guess he was really tired Edited by Rem, Aug 4 2008, 01:08 AM.
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 Have you ever wondered what color air is? | |
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| Sean | Aug 4 2008, 01:17 PM Post #3 |
The ⑥of Four Against Nature
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Haha, Bryan's joined the club! Good work on this, man. You made some nice points. The game does seem a bit stupid and the way your killer can apparently do what he pleases seems to be a case of The Computer is a Cheating Bastard trope in action. |
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| Jeff | Aug 4 2008, 01:22 PM Post #4 |
Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Woooow... That's pretty funny. Doesn't sound like my type of game but I really liked the "Nice drive, lolz" line. Nicely done. Hope to see more. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Rem | Aug 4 2008, 01:38 PM Post #5 |
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Why yes, I do like snickerdoodles.
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It's a multiplater game, so it's technically "The other person is a cheating bastard." |
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Have you ever wondered what color air is? | |
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| Root | Aug 4 2008, 07:40 PM Post #6 |
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The Speaker for the Dead
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Greetings to you Four Against Nature people! I'm going to do another rant today because I'm in a pretty good mood. Which you would think in any case would make this a happy review with positive remarks, right? Right? WRONG Ask my friends! When I'm happy, I can be just as pissed off as when I'm angry. It's probably the only remotely frightening aspect I hold, so I kind of abuse it a lot. Anyway, today's game is....Megaman 1 on the NES. I haven't FINISHED the game, per se, but I've seen more than enough to warrant a review. Trust me. Under normal circumstances, I'd just point to my YouTube account and have you guys watch my play-throughs. Unfortunately, CamStudio decided to be the bastard child I always knew it was and all my videos came out really choppy. Instead, I have the oh-so-wonderful joy of writing a review to vent my anger. That will suffice, in my book. Okay, so we load up the game. We get a start screen that says 'MEGA MAN' in big letters. Yippy-skippy. Hit the start button and you've got what I call 'The Six Bastardizations of the Brady Bunch'. Or, if you prefer to be more "precise" we've got: Cutman, Elecman, Iceman, Fireman, Bombman, and Gutsman. What do you mean I didn't go in order? Spoiler: click to toggle So I start off with Cutman, who on the start screen looks like he's either flamboyant or retarded. Or maybe he's both. I don't care. Being the first stage, I'm expecting it to be a bit weird given the fact that I haven't really played any Mega-Man games before this. (When in fact I actually have, but it was the second one of the series instead). Instead, you know what I get? I get raped by flying fucking air-hog copters. I'm dead fucking serious. Blue little helicopter things that just fly right into you. You think they're fast when they DON'T See you? It's like they see you and they pop some fucking steroids in their zipper-mouths and they go on a kamikaze mission to KILL You. Except, unlike kamikazes, they don't explode on impact! NO. THEY FUCKING FLY BACK UP AND DOWN AGAIN TO PROLONG THE SLAUGHTER. IF YOU FINALLY MANAGE TO KILL THEM, ANOTHER ONE WILL COME RIGHT ALONG TO FUCKING FINISH THE JOB. Okay, all that aside, there's only one other thing about this stage that bothered me. The fact that huge gray boxes with pac-men that want you DEAD exists scares me a bit. That, and NOTHING I've seen can kill them. Yeah. That bothered me too... Anyway. I spam my buster shot and kill Mr. Flamboyant Retardation. Nobody loved him anyway. I guess he got CUT out on that deal. Yes, I will be making puns this rant. Okay...so onto Elecman's stage. He looks like he's a crossover between the Koopa King in the Super Mario Bros. Movie and the Fonze from Happy Days. Whatever, he's going to die just like everybody else in this game. I have but one thing to say about this stage. FUCK YOU, APPEARING PLATFORMS. JUST STAY IN ONE FUCKING SPOT AND STOP KNOCKING ME OFF WHEN I JUMP ON YOU! AT LEAST YOU DON'T MAKE ANNOYING FUCKING NOISES LIKE YOU DO IN THE NEXT GAME. Anyways. Kill Elecman, who is a [I am a potty mouth] with Cutman's Weapon. How SHOCKING! Spoiler: click to toggle Then there's Iceman. Yes, that guy who looks like he was left out of the "Ice Climbers" game. They weren't really twins, y'know. They were triplets and this guy was just abandoned, as he very much deserved. This is the one that pissed me off the most. Not only do you slip and slide your way down the fucking land into GOD-KNOWS WHAT THE ENEMIES ARE...you've got MORE fucking appearing platforms that again make you SLIDE. That and they're in the most irrational patterns I've ever fucking seen. I mean, GUNBOUND makes more sense! Then you've got the fucking platforms that shoot little orbs at you! OKAY. NOW THESE FUCKERS PISSED ME OFF MOST OF ALL. I'VE GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO SAY: DEAR ICEMAN'S MOVING PLATFORMS GO FUCK YOURSELVES, YOU DAMN FURRIES. I HOPE YOU DIE IN THE FIERY FLAMES OF HELL. THE IRONY OF THE SITUATION WOULD BE DELICIOUS. HUGS AND KISSES ROOT THAT IS ALL. ICEMAN SUCKS AT FIGHTING TOO, AND IT MADE ME GLAD TO MAKE HIM HURT AFTER THE HELL (OH THE IRONY IN THAT STATEMENT!) I HAD TO PAY IN HIS STAGE. KIND OF MAKES YOU THINK I GAVE HIM THE COLD SHOULDER, HUH?! Onto Fireman. This stage when compared to Iceman I actually enjoyed somewhat. The graphics were pretty nifty. The flame geysers sucked though, so damn hard to get past. Then there's the one instance where unless you picked up the weird bar gun from Elecman's stage, you are going to get murdered by moving fire waves or something. Good thing I picked up the bar-gun, or I would've been in a HOT situation. Bombman is next. Wow! The stages are actually getting BETTER. I don't have much to say about this one except the stupid green guy with the shield at the end who I hated so much. Whatever. Bombman is a bit of a tougher fight as he didn't die in like three hits to me. Five hits did the trick though! What an EXPLOSIVE ending! Gutsman is last. Let me just honestly say this stage can go blow itself out it's own ass too. I hate this one just as much as I hate Iceman's stage. The moving platforms at the beginning aren't HARD per se, but if you fall, you fall like gravity is on FUCKING STEROIDS. I'M ON THE SCREEN FOR ABOUT TWO SECONDS FROM THE TIME I FALL FROM THE TOP OF THE SCREEN TO THE BOTTOM. Okay, WHATEVER. That's over and done with, and then there's these weird hobo-miner guys that through pick-axes at you. Where the HELL did these guys COME from? They don't seem to ever want to die either. As if THAT wasn't bad enough, the flying helicopter guys come back in this stage for a second helping. Oh god, spare me now. Gutsman himself wasn't hard but it was a little harder since I actually had to have the bombs from Bombman go near him and explode. Oh well. He's dead. I knew he didn't have the GUTS. Dr. Wily. The guy who loves to wiggle his eyebrows up and down. There's only three parts to his stage that I deem necessarily to rant about. The beginning where there are the fucking EYE-BOTS that destroy your health as they run into you, which PISS me off to the point of me being afraid of them. Then there's the god damn platforms that SHOOT you from iceman's stage, but now there are SPIKES on the ceiling and floor - you know, as if that made it any better from a bottomless PIT. Lastly, we've got the Yellow Devil. He gets a whole special paragraph for himself. The Yellow Devil...how I loathe thee. Yeah, he's a pretty hard boss seeing as how you get a second or so to hit him before he starts turning into the little blocks that flow from side-to-side. He starts throwing blocks of himself at you to the right side of the screen which you have to dodge. It goes back and forth like that from right to left to right, until either he or you dies. His "weak point" is one eye that appears when all of his blocks come together. That, and he's not weak to anything. Eh, this boss is really hard, and that's all I've got to say. Overall, this game was pretty fun once I got the hang of it. There are pretty much only two or three stages that piss me off the most. So, considering that's not ALL of them it's a good game in my book! One thing that I was a bit disappointed in though was the fact that NOTHING is explained to you in the game. No story or anything...maybe you had to check the manual? I don't know, or care right now. There may be more to this game, because I haven't killed the Yellow Devil - and refuse to adhere to using the "select trick" to kill him. Maybe I'll continue it later. Anyway, hope you enjoyed my rant! Spoiler: click to toggle Edited by Root, Aug 4 2008, 07:44 PM.
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Does being the only sane one make me the insane one, in a sort of way? Though my eyes could see, I was still a blind man; Though my mind could think, I still was a madman... "Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run...there's still time to change the road you're on" | |
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| Sean | Aug 4 2008, 07:49 PM Post #7 |
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The ⑥of Four Against Nature
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Yeah, Megaman 1 was pretty freaking hard. ....Angry Root scares me, but you did a good jorb. |
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| Root | Aug 16 2008, 10:08 PM Post #8 |
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The Speaker for the Dead
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A new review for an older game! That game is... The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening This is the first Legend of Zelda game I ever played. I started when I was about, six I want to say? So the whole concept of 'gaming' was new to me, but I enjoyed the experience very much. It's pretty good considering the limitations of the era. There's one main thing about the game that just bothers me. It doesn't go in canon. At all I'm serious, it has nothing to do with Hyrule, Zelda or anything. Loading up the game you see a storm and a ship with Link on it and somehow his ship explodes or something. That's about all the in-canon stuff you're going to get. You start a game and basically you're confronted with two random people you've never seen before - and probably will never see again. Of course, Link being the deaf-mute that he is doesn't really say anything himself - you just have to pretend he's saying things by the reactions of the people who are talking to him. Anyway, they question Link saying "Hyrule? Zelda? What are you talking about". That is the only way this game relates to the rest of the series at all. Okay, so you wake up in a house, in bed. Some girl is standing next to you after she's discovered you on the beach. There's another guy in the house who has your item. That's right 'item'. Your shield is all you get from him. Actually, we don't even know who he is. You get his name but not his relationship to the girl who is supposed to be important somehow, but isn't. So feeling rather confused about the whole thing, you set off for the beach where you were discovered to see if you can find anything there. By some miracle, you find your sword there! Who DIDN'T see this one coming?! As an added bonus, you've got the creepy owl with the death-stare to make strange coo'ing who tries talking to you and telling you what to do. This little bugger follows you around the ENTIRE game, appearing when you LEAST expect it. Okay, so still feeling rather confused about everything that's going on, you do what the owl tells you - go to the woods. He talks to you more there talking some crap about this thing called the "Wind Fish" and how this entire place is a dream and that you have to wake this fish up or something. So after wandering through the woods, you find the key to the first dungeon. Don't ask how it got there, I don't know either. Spoiler: click to toggle So, wandering around aimlessly again, you go to the first dungeon (called the Tail Cave) and I have no problem telling you that everything in that dungeon is totally obvious. No tricks, for once. I also don't mind telling you that the first boss of the game here is of course the crazy worm whose weak point is his tail. Get it? Tail Cave = Tail of worm, weak point? Ahahahahaha, hilarious. Not really. Another thing that bothered me about the first boss here was the fact that when you first walk into his room his response is (And I'm not kidding here): "BUZZZZ! BUZZZZZ! OUTZZZZIDERZ!". So yes, your first boss is a worm that is confused as to what species it is. This game isn't looking good so far. Kill the damn confused-worm and get....a violin? Yep, that's right, for killing these god-awful THINGS you get an instrument. A bloody instrument. *sigh* So after retrieving the World's Smallest Violin (which is what it SOUNDS like when you hear it played) the owl comes to talk to you again. He talks in more metaphors about how you need to find these instruments and play them to wake the Wind Fish or something, I don't know. The owl kind of creeps me out. So, I head back to town and I'm confronted by some weird scary music. This is the part that scared me as a child, I'm not kidding. It's also one of the biggest anti-climaxes I've ever seen. So what's wrong in town? Well apparently some monsters stole some lady's dog. "It was bad! Real bad!" is how the kids in the town describe it. Yeah, so you've gotta go rescue some lady's dog so eloquently named 'Bow-Wow'. Oh yes, they went there. *Facepalm* After rescuing the blasted thing from the monsters who drool a lot and hardly ever attack you, you can gain entrance to the second dungeon. That's right, you need a bloody dog to get into the second dungeon, because apparently nothing else can get you through the area where the entrance is. Did I mention this so-called 'dog' looks awfully like Chain Chomp from the Mario Games? Yeah. Spoiler: click to toggle That's not the only Mario reference in this game. Skipping ahead, you will find that at certain points in dungeons the game turns into a side-scroller. The enemies in these areas are goombas and piranha plants. There's also a Yoshi Doll that you can get that begins the oh-so-famous item exchange quest-line that every bloody Zelda game can't be made without. The game seems to be the same thing from here on, and I don't feel like walking through the entire thing, so I'll just talk about other things that I feel need to be mentioned. You get an ocarina in this game that looks like a pickle. It can play three songs, of which only one has an actual useful purpose. One of them is to get into the Wind Fish's egg at the end of the game. The second one acts as a teleport (to the beginning of a dungeon or a certain area in the game that you can't change and has nothing to do with where you got it). The third one though, the third one is what gets me the most. You use it a whole two times in the game. To get it, you have to go through this sign-post maze. If you manage to do that, you need to have 300 rupees to get the guy to teach it to you. Well, at least it can't get any worse, right? Wrong. The noise the game makes when the guy starts 'singing' is like being trampled by a rabid giraffe that farts grenades on you (Yes I know that's a disturbing image but it's true and I'm not exaggerating). Not only that, the game decides it'd be REALLY funny to make the screen flash, so if you have epilepsy, you can have a seizure as well! What a package, right? The two uses for that song are as follows: To get a green flying rooster and to open up Turtle Rock, the last dungeon. Yes, you get a green flying rooster that you can pick up and float around with. Don't even ASK I don't know who came up with that idea. So, you thought paying 300 rupees for that was a rip-off? Get this. You need to pay 200 rupees for a damn SHOVEL. You can't get around it either, because you need it at several points. Then you need to buy the bow and arrow for 980 rupees. You COULD steal it, but if you do your file name is changed to "THIEF" and the owner of the store shoots a laser and kills you the next time you go into it. No, I'm not kidding about ANY of this. The only solace in any of this is that you don't need to worry about finding a new wallet - you can always have a max of 999 rupees. So if your brain isn't already screaming "SPARE ME, SPARE ME!" I have some more things I can rant on about. For instance, at some random point during the game, a ghost begins following you around. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't make NOISE. It makes very annoying moaning/beeping noises and it never shuts up until you do what it wants. This, again, wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that he either takes forever in asking or he asks every five seconds. Helping him accomplishes nothing except getting you a "secret seashell" which gets you the level two sword if you get 20 of them. Yeah, that's it. This game also has a plethora of enemies to choose from, some with the WEIRDEST names I've ever seen. "Pol's Voices" are hopping monsters that vaguely resemble mutant rabbits. That is exactly as creepy as it sounds. Then we've got the weird little green slime things that just hop to you until either you kill them or they...hit you and then try to hop into you some more. Another aspect of the game I haven't really touched on is the music. Most of it to me, is scary and ominous. I personally don't like a lot of it, I'm not sure why exactly. The songs I do like are the Piece of Power / Guardian acorn music which, if it doesn't drive you crazy, is pretty catchy. Another thing I haven't discussed yet are your little temporary power-ups. Guardian Acorns reduce the damage you take by half. I'm not even sure where these come into play. I guess someone on the writing staff needed to release an idea one night and didn't have much time so they entered the first thing they saw looking out the window. The Piece of Power on the other hand is a little flashing triangle that makes your sword flash black and white. Everything you HIT will now be launched away from you until it HITS something and explodes. Yes, your enemies now explode when they hit something, such as a wall. This is truly awesome and one the best aspects of the game. One last little note I figure I should add in is the girl that I mentioned earlier who is like the first person you meet. It's pretty obvious that she's stalking Link, especially when she turns around to him at one point and says "<name>....I want to know EVERYTHING about you". Frightening, huh? Well, you rescue her later on in the game after she was "kid-napped" (which you figure out like, right as you rescue her with the hook-shot) and she tries to "tell you something". She's interrupted by that other guy I mentioned earlier and that's the last you hear from her for the game. It's like they decided to write a story and then just gave up in the end. I'm not going to spoil how the game ends, but know that if you can get past all the weird, different things about this game it's not all that bad. Certain things just confuse me, like where the ideas for some of the enemies came from. Then I realize this is some information I probably don't WANT to know. Either way, this is Root reviewing a game. Hope you enjoyed my rants. |
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Does being the only sane one make me the insane one, in a sort of way? Though my eyes could see, I was still a blind man; Though my mind could think, I still was a madman... "Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run...there's still time to change the road you're on" | |
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| Root | Sep 27 2008, 09:23 PM Post #9 |
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The Speaker for the Dead
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Sorry for the double post but I thought that a new game was worth reviewing while it is still fresh in my mind That game is... F-Zero for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES) For those who don't know what F-zero is, it's an old racing game. It's actually set in the future however - you're racing in hovercars that go clear over 300 km/hour without any sort of turbo-boost or anything. So, it's quite fast-paced for the most part. Now don't get me wrong, this is a decently good game for the most part. That's just it though, for the MOST part doesn't cover it. There are quite a few things in this game that don't add up, or just exist to ANNOY you. First off, you get a health meter in this game. It goes out, you will explode and it won't be pretty. The way you lose your health (or "power") is by crashing into walls and other players, though the later is much harder to do than it seems. The walls are little tiny circles aligned along the racetrack completely. To be honest, I'm not even sure WHAT these circles are. Only that if you hit one, you're probably going to bounce around and hit more. They HURT, whatever they are. The other purpose they serve is separating the track from...whatever else is out there. I mean that literally because I can't tell WHAT else there is. The levels all consist of horribly blended colors that look like someone tried to make carpets out of circuit-boards. In league with crashing into stuff too much and blowing up, I should also add that if you somehow fall into whatever that stuff is OUTSIDE the track, you blow up instantly. That's right, whatever that crap IS over there, it KILLS you. Which is really fun because there are several levels with these blue bar things that make you fly up into the air for no reason whatsoever, besides maybe letting you lose control of your hovercar and go flying into the outside of the track and blowing up. The only good thing here is that you can get health back by going through these flashing yellow/purple lines that are in every level. A big huge "mother ship" that you only see part of starts beating you with a laser, and that somehow helps makes you A-ok. The other thing I thought was funny is the gray crap on the track. Like, what the HELL is it? It slows your hovercraft down (by a significant MARGIN I might add) like a brake. What the HELL on earth slows a hovercraft going 400+ km/h ?! I mean, good god! The only other thing that I can think of hating in this game as the names and the fucking turns. Any level with a sharp turn in it, you're going to go bouncing off the walls into a nice pile of rubble. There are levels with several of these turns in a ROW. Talk about screaming metal deathtraps. The names of the levels sound like some severely depressed punk-rock racist emo kid designed them. "Mute City"..."White Land"..."Death Wind"..."Silence". I'm not gonna go on, you get the point. That's all I've got to say about that. Oh, this happens to be the game Captain Falcon is from, for those who are familiar with the Super Smash Bros. games. Those beeping noises made in the Mute City / Big Blue stages? Yeah. They're ALL in the game too. <sigh> So, if you can get past all these little weird things about a RACING game, then it's pretty good. But those damn turns...they SUCK. I'm done ranting, even though this is a much watered down version of a rant. |
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Does being the only sane one make me the insane one, in a sort of way? Though my eyes could see, I was still a blind man; Though my mind could think, I still was a madman... "Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run...there's still time to change the road you're on" | |
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| Jeff | Sep 29 2008, 08:30 AM Post #10 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Hah! Nice, dude. I especially liked the part "...carpets made of circuit boards" part. Very well done. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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12:57 PM Nov 29
