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| Sf-x; IAQ Madness Galore! | |
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| Topic Started: Jul 29 2008, 11:41 AM (397 Views) | |
| Jeff | Jul 29 2008, 11:41 AM Post #1 |
Lord of Pie & BBWs
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*Author's Note: To quickly explain, SF-X is an IAQ, or "Infrequently Asked Questions" which is a video game parody in FAQ/walkthrough format. SF-X is, at its core, a parody of MegaMan X with a couple twists thrown in for giggles. It helps, but is by no means mandatory, to have played the X games prior to reading these.* Project: IAQ – SF-X. Crap, that title sucks. Oh well. Horridly done by: Jeff. Game Intro AKA: THE PLOT! Model: SF-X “Head” Equipped with- -Ego -Some crappy CPU I ripped out of my TI-83 calculator. Hey, I had a small budget. -Sonic the Hedgehog spikes. Cuz that’s totally cool. And original! -Some personality I uploaded from some random high school survey board. Not a clue what that means. -Soul – error. Item missing. Well, crap. “Body” Equipped with- -Light-weight aluminum armor -Those little tabs off the top of soda cans. Because they’re shiny. “Arms” Equipped with- -SF-Buster Mark 42. I made that number up. It’s basically an over-glorified 22’. But it can do a charge shot thing and do more damage somehow, which is kind of cool. -More tabs off soda cans! Yay! “Legs” Equipped with- -Tin foil battle boots painted with some left-over paints from a side project I did. -Some kind of je—oh crap, I forgot that too, didn’t I? Obligatory Ominous Letter from SF-X’s Creator, Uninspired Old Scientist Guy: “Look, this sort of thing has been done before, but I felt the need to create some sort of super-robot thing. My ultimate creation, made on my kitchen table in a little over a week, is the height of technology of my era—not really. I was just bored and wanted to look smart, so I won’t bore you with any more drivel (not as though the player isn’t gonna skip this by hitting the “start” button by now)… SF-X is a semi-maniacal little whack bag and so, I put him in a time capsule, cuz that makes me look smart. So, it’ll open in about 200 years or so. When it does, I really can’t say for sure what’ll happen; I just hope it’s mildly amusing. Maybe it’ll be bad? I dunno. Peace out, y’all. --Scientist Guy.” And sometime in the semi-near future, it did open and out popped a somewhat functional robot-hedgehog-man dubbed “SF-X”. A lot of people called him “Suffix” for a while and that kind of cheesed him off and those people ended up mysteriously dying briefly after the encounter. Well, some generic guy found him and thought SF-X was the shizzle fo’ rizzle and made copies of him. But because SF-X’s tech sucked so badly and the world’s supply of aluminum had been extinguished in the great Coke-Pepsi Conflict of ’88, they had to use the generic titanium stuff—so the copies weren’t exactly perfect. They were called Spin-Offs and really didn’t do anything worth mentioning other than looking really cool and could make a mean omelet. But because the generic scientists had used SF-X as a base model, the Spin-Offs had a tendency to be really screwy in the head and decided to go ballistic and steal stuff and other generic villain things. The Spin-Offs that turned evil were dubbed “bastards” but since this is the American version, we have to change it to something more PC—so they were re-dubbed “Pretty close to the original SF-X” or “Commies” for short. In order to counter this problem, the government set up the organization called “Get off Your Asses and Do Something” or “GOYAADS” for short, to deal with the Commies. But one day the leader of the GOYAADS, Beta, decided that he’d screw the rules and dyed his hair green and became the new leader of the Commies. This also cheesed off SF-X, who then dedicated his life to killing Commies, just like John Wayne. Fight, SF-X, for ever-lasting cash flow! --Gameplay!— This game is pretty basic. Anyone who’s even played an SNES could master the controls in a matter of minutes. Control Pad: Move the hero. Duh. Left and right, up and down ladders, etc. I shouldn’t have to explain this, but God forbid someone contact JeffCom with “HOW I MOVE SF-X, LAWL?” I’d have to kill someone and then there’d be red tape and angry mothers and… yeah. Also, holding left or right against a wall lets SF-X slowly slide down it and jump up it, though the game hardly uses this feature or in some cases sets things up as if the programmers had forgotten it. Meh. Not my problem, now is it? B-Button: Makes SF-X jump or wall-kick. Jump, jump, jump. Y-Button: Makes SF-X shoot his cannon or hold it and charge up for a more powerful shot. When selected, this button also shoots the Commie’s weapons, but they all suck and take energy to use, so just stick to your charge shot. X-Button: Makes SF-X shoot his cannon/charge shot. The difference being that using this button will fire the normal cannon regardless of what weapon he has equipped. YAY for foresight! A-Button: Causes SF-X to dash forward (requires the leg upgrade). Helps speed the movement along and allows for longer jumps. Simple stuff. Hard to control, though as it makes it rather likely for SF-X to fall into a cliff. L and R-Buttons: Shift through the Commie weapons you’ve obtained without pausing. Yay. Start Button: Brings up your menu with all your stats, acquired weapons, Generic Tanks, etc. Select Button: Pauses the game without bringing up the menu—if you tap the button rapidly, you can make the game move in slow motion. Other than that, it’s useless. On the main menu there’ll also be a “Start Game” and password option. You’re just as well off starting a new game than the passwords, because all the passwords consist of ‘0’, ‘o’, ‘O’, ‘1’, ‘l’, ‘I” and “Bacon” and are about 37 characters long. Don’t waste your time and just play. Anyhow, on to the actual walkthrough! --The Actual Game!— Generic Traffic Stage! All right, we’re off to a riveting start! SF-X warps onto… what appears to be Highway 95 on a good day, so traffic is utterly at a halt. Walk on over the cars (you can break the BMW bugs by jumping on them repeatedly, but you’ll be fined for it and it leads into a court room mini-game that’s way more trouble than it’s worth, so just don’t do it) with your buster charged and blow the crap out of anything that moves because, odds are, it’s an enemy. The semis are kind of a bitch to get over until you remember your wall kick, but on top of the 3rd and 6th ones you climb you get to fight a black hawk helicopter which apparently doesn’t think much of robotic hedgehogs. Four charged shots a pop will bring them down. Don’t worry if you take hits, health items are like water here, so you ought to be in good shape up until you reach the wreckage area and the first boss of the game. It’s a gigantic robotic demon chicken that caused the wreckage and a crazed man with brown, disheveled hair on top of its head, laughing maniacally. Get used to his laugh sound clip; he does it a lot for the next few minutes. His name is Cog and if you look, the vest he’s wearing says “Dragon” on one side and “Force” on the other. See how Cog and his chicken have no health bar unlike you? That’s indication that you can’t win, so just set the controller down after this brief snippet of dialogue and wait for your prompt ass-kicking. Cog: Aha! You’re SF-X, aren’t you? SF-X: You’re not a robot… Cog: SHUT UP! I am the king of dragons! SF-X: … and you’re riding a chicken… Cog: SHUT UP!!! And I’m here to kick ass and chew gum, and I’m-- SF-X: … and that line is seriously old. Cog: I SAID SHUT UP!!! That’s it! You’re dead, Tin-Man! Then you get your prompt ass-kicking, as promised, when suddenly the Evil Demon Robo-Chicken is blasted after the sound of a buster charging and suddenly a tall, busty woman rushes onto the scene next to your bloody, wounded hide, baring a large rifle, then charges another shot before speaking. By the way, her name is Null, FYI, but the game kind of assumes you already know this, because apparently, SF-X does. SF-X: Damn it, the game just started and you’re already hogging my screen time?! What the hell, Null? What the hell? Null: Yeah, you were doing such a great job solo, weren’t you? SF-X: Then why didn’t you help me from the start of the level?! Null: When have you ever heard of-- Cog: Excuse me? Null: Oh, right. You. Right then… I had a great intro quote but I just forgot it… Cog: Take your time. Null: Oh, I remember now. Surrender, Commie! SF-X: That’s how you intended to strike fear into his heart? Null: Shut up. Cog: I’d love to sit and listen to your whiny love rant, but I have cities to level… people to slaughter. Later! Cog makes a quick get-a-way in an aircraft that flies down and swoops him and his chicken away. Null fires, attempting to hit him, but misses as she, too, can only fire in two directions. They watch as the aircraft flies away before she turns to speak to you. SF-X: Crap! I lost the first boss fight in the game? This doesn’t bode well for me… Null: You shouldn’t expect to beat him! He’s… well… he’s a dick. SF-X: Do tell. Null: Look, wiseass, I tried too, remember? SF-X: Fine. Now what? Null: Now, we try to find Beta’s base. We’ve located the location of eight Commies and their bases. We’re going to warp you to the very outer edge of their locations and let you walk your ass inside. SF-X: Why can’t you guys just warp me into the boss room and save us all some time and effort? It is the future isn’t it? Null: Well, we theoretically could, but… SF-X: … but…? Null: Well, that’d be too easy. SF-X: I hate the future. Null: Now I’m supposed to say something inspirational. SF-X: Enlighten me. Null: You need to shower. SF-X: I’m a robot. Null: Oh, right. Maybe one day you’ll be as strong as I am. SF-X: Burn in hell. Null warps away as SF-X sighs and warps after her. Congrats! First stage, done! At the completion of every stage, a password will come up to ‘save’ your progress, but don’t even worry about it—it’s only displayed for about 5 seconds at best and it’s too long and complex to bother writing down, so just go on. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Aug 1 2008, 11:37 AM Post #2 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Now you get brought to a radar screen, displaying the general geographic location of eight Commies they are: Black-Eyed Pea – Fire-themed Factory-type stage Submerged – Under the ocean stage Rockapella – Mine shaft stage Cold – Icy mountain stage Quiet Riot – Power-plant type stage Orion the Hunter – Forest-themed stage Korn – Technological tower-theme stage Unearth – Flying ship/airport stage Since this is a walkthrough and crap gets spoiled here, the order you need to go in is: Cold – Quiet Riot – Rockapella – Submerged – Korn – Orion the Hunter – Unearth – Black-Eyed Pea. However, if you’re confident in your abilities, you can tackle them any order you want. Have fun with that. Anyways, onto Cold, the ice stage. Cold – Ice Mountain Pass There’s not a lot here to see. It’s a fairly standard venture. Just kind of hold right on the control pad and jump every so often mixed with the occasional charge shot and you’ll quickly arrive at a tall, otherworldly capsule standing in your path. You can’t go over or under it, so you have to walk up to it which will trigger a brief conversation with SF-X’s creator before he gives you the leg armor upgrade which actually looks pretty swanky and turns his red boots white and slightly higher. Now you can dash and dash-jump, which is always useful! Once you have them (which you’re obligated to get—more on the upgrades later), you can rest assured the rest of the stage is a cakewalk of more of the same until you reach the boss door. Enter and get ready for Cold! Cold is a guy in a leather jacket with no shirt and really tight pants and boots that weren’t made to live past the 1980’s and has a blue Mohawk. This guy’s gotta be cold… oh… never mind… SF-X: You’re Cold, huh? Cold: Cold? Don’t you mean ‘cool’?! SF-X: … no. Cold: Well, same to you. SF-X: Wait, what? Cold: I’m so cool, daddio, I’m FROZEN! SF-X: Ugh… *sigh* Cold: Now! Freeze! SF-X: That’d be my line, Commie Scum! Cold is a breeze. He runs back and forth across the room, occasionally stopping to throw a snowball at you. I hope the fact that they’re yellow is a sprite coloring error and not what I think it is, but I’ll leave that for you to decide. He occasionally jumps up onto one of two coat hangers on either side of the room and pulls on them, causing a winter wind to blow in, making our little robotic hero slide in one direction or the other, but with the leg upgrade you can easily slide through it to safety. The right hook blows you to the left and the left hook, to the right, see? Easy enough! Beat him to get- Snow Blast! Weapon- Snow Blast: Shoot a snowball. It’s almost identical to your normal shot, but it does have the potential to freeze enemies… or at least that’s what the demonstration wants you to believe. It almost never works. It sucks. So, save it for the next boss. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Aug 1 2008, 11:38 AM Post #3 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Quiet Riot – Power Plant This level is a little more complicated than Cold’s, but no more difficult. Actually, the difficulty arc in this game is laughable, so don’t expect anything in this game to be terribly hard. Anyhow, this level has a lot of ladders all over it, some which lead no where, and a number of which are over instant death pits, so don’t jump without knowing there’s something solid under you. Periodically there’ll be a blackout in this Power Plant (kind of ironic, no?) and all you’ll be able to see is a SF-X and a little circle of light around him. What causes that light is anyone’s guess, but that’s not important. After a few jumps on awkwardly positioned platforms, you’ll get to the door leading to Quiet Riot. Quiet Riot looks kind of like Abraham Lincoln wearing a white muscle shirt and jeans and having no beard, because this weirdo is freakin’ TALL! He’s a good two or three times taller than SF-X, but don’t worry, he isn’t that imposing. SF-X: Quiet Riot, you’re under arrest… umm… for being a Commie! Yeah. So… c’mon. Quiet Riot: … *Makes some sort of unusual hand gesture* SF-X: Well! Same to you! *RANDOM CULTURAL NOTE!* the hand gesture made here, which is awkward in sprite form is actually how you give someone the bird in Korea. That’s right. A Japanese-made game, using an American band name gives you the Korean birdie. How SF-X knows what that gesture means or why they left it in the American version of the game is anyone’s guess. Quiet Riot’s battle is a joke, at best. Spam that damn snowball and get it over with. Being hit by it does a huge chunk of damage to his health and freezes him, and causes his pattern to start over. Just spam it—it’ll damage him even if he’s blinking. Actually, I have no idea what this guy does if given enough time to move, because he’s never gotten out of his starting position before… Weapon: Quiet Bolt. It’s a taser, evidently. A taser that makes no noise, at that. It’s very short ranged, just barely having an effective reach just out of SF-X’s arm length, and is once again only useful against the next boss. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Aug 1 2008, 11:38 AM Post #4 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Rockapella – Mine Shaft This level is actually really fun! Most of it is spent in a mine cart while totally not-copyrighted* music plays in the background and you just spam your buster forward or backward! One-hit kills all! The downside is that you do have to jump from cart to cart and you’ll fall through the railing and the floors and die if you miss. Why you can’t just walk on it will forever be a mystery, but you’ll only need to jump three times at most and you’ll get a “JUMP!” emblem on the screen about five seconds before you actually need to, so just hang on tight and you’ll be to Rockapella’s room in a little under 20 seconds. (*The music is from Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade). Inside, we meet Rockapella, who’s a gentleman in a white business suit and holding a martini in one hand and with well-groomed hair. Rockapella: Aha! So, you’re the GOYAADS agent I’ve heard so much about! A pleasure to meet you! SF-X: … duh-buh? Rockapella: But you see, dear chum, the pleasantries end now. You’re an… inconvenience to our cause, you see. SF-X: *dumbfounded* Rockapella: Care for a shot of whiskey before you die? SF-X: Screw being polite. YOU! FULL OF HOLES! NOW!!! Rockapella is a moderately difficult fight—and damn near impossible without the Commie weapon required. He jumps around a lot and can stick to the wall for as long as he pleases and he also makes two copies of himself that mimic his movements, making his attack radius damn huge. If you shoot a copy with just your normal buster the three break out into an A cappella chorus about why you suck so bad, but using the Quiet Bolt will make the copies vanish and knock Rockapella to the floor, stunned, allowing for more attacks. Lather-rinse-repeat. Weapon: Rolling Rhythm. It’s a forward-rolling mix of music notes that act as a single unit. It moves pretty fast, actually and can actually be useful in certain places, but will bounce off walls and explode if it hits another. You’re probably saying, “Hey! That sounds useful!” well, guess what? It isn’t—the explosion resulting from it can hurt you and will inverse your controls making left, right- right, left- up, down- down, up- and Democrats, right. Why, you may ask? SUPPOSEDLY this worthless thing confuses enemies too, but guess what? It doesn’t. It, too, is a worthless Commie weapon only suitable for the next boss. Accept it. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Aug 1 2008, 11:38 AM Post #5 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Submerged – Ocean Floor You’d think your taser would be a Godsend here but, of course, no. No it’s not. Stop trying to think logically. Anyhow, you start off on a small beach and you walk into the water and sink like a rock. You are a robot, after all. When you fall to the bottom, stay near the wall or else you’ll hit a spike pit that was put about ¾ of a screen over from it. There are a LOT of spike pits in this stage, probably trying to balance out how easy the other levels have been thus far or maybe to prevent you from abusing how high you jump underwater compared to elsewhere. This level is fairly lengthy and involved a lot of jumps that if not for being underwater would be impossible and a random quiz show you’re obligated to do. The questions are the same each time but the answers for them are “A fish”, “Bread, please” and “Hillary Clinton is evil”. After clearing the quiz, you’re then forced to ride on the back of what appears to be a robotic swordfish that shoots what I think are combs from its mouth (ironically, the sword-nose does nothing but take damage) and you crash it into the door that leads to Submerged, and you go on in. Submerged is, like every other Commie, really hard without the weapon of choice and ridiculously easy with it. He looks like a generic scuba-diver with hair that spikes out into lightning-bolt type design. Submerged: So, you’ve arrived! Prepare to be— SF-X: How are you talking underwater? Are you guys robots or humans? I really can’t tell. Submerged: Well, it happened a long, long time ago, while my great-grandma was in Barbados and— SF-X: NEVER MIND! Sheesh! Forget I asked! Submerged: … Submerged is fast and he knows it, too. He often employs ramming into you as a battle tactic and even if he goes head-first into a wall, he takes no damage (his sprite doesn’t even change. Instead, he goes through the wall, and back out as if it didn’t exist, which means he can hit you while doing your wall kick) and he also utilizes a harpoon gun to shoot at you and, unlike you who can fire a grand total of two directions, he can fire in eight—and that’s another reason why the leg upgrade is so vital, as you walk slowly underwater otherwise. Another annoying aspect of this fight is that though Submerged spends most of his time above you, his weakness is a weapon that follows the laws of gravity pretty well, so the best thing to do is use the snowball, which will create an ice block that floats up to the ceiling, jump on it, float up and fire off the Rolling Rhythm from above him. Otherwise, wall kicking is the only alternative. Thankfully, when he’s hit, he sinks to the bottom and is stunned for a moment, which is your chance to corner rape him. Weapon: Bubble Bomb. (Funny thing to note is that on the Weapon demo screen it’s misspelled as “Burbble Bomb”) A bomb wrapped in a bubble that bounces along the terrain and explodes upon impact with anything. Sound useful? Well, it’s not. It’s very powerful but only allows up to four shots with it, so you won’t even be able to utilize it as a coup de grace against the next Commie. They call this game balance? The only useful aspect of this weapon is that unlike Rolling Rhythm this weapon’s explosion doesn’t hurt you. *Sigh* Forget it. On to the next level. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Aug 1 2008, 11:39 AM Post #6 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Korn – The Tower of Tech This level sucks. I hate doing it. Even with every upgrade in the game, this level sucks and I still hate it. It’s a very, very tall tower where you play platformer-styled hopping your butt up the platforms and if you fall off, the game isn’t even kind enough to kill you—even if you’re at the boss door, it’s very easy to fall all the way back to the start of the level, taking damage all the while down and did I forget to mention this stage has no half-way point?! So, yes, it’s one long arduous climb from bottom to top, dealing with enemies you can only kill if you’re on the same horizontal plane as them and God help you if you try to get the upgrades here in the first run through. Seriously, ignore the upgrades—come back for them later, you’ll be happy you did. I really can’t give you any pointers here, because it isn’t hard, it’s just annoying as sin and this level sucks hard. Anyhow, after falling thirty to forty times and finally getting to the boss door, you go inside to see a man in all black. Black shirt, black jacket, black pants, black socks, black shoes, black hair, black shades… yeah. He looks like an emo to me too. Korn: I’m depressed… SF-X: Not as depressed as I am. Did you ever consider installing an elevator, you prick?! Korn: Falling away from me~ falling away from meeeeeeeee~ SF-X: … okay, Commie or not, that joke merits death. You lose, good day, sir! Korn is the sole reason why cheat codes won’t do you any damn good in this game. If you have any (and I do mean any) codes on, even after you kill him, you’ll have to do his stage over and over and over and he’ll never permanently die, even if you kill him, so play legit and don’t worry about it. He’s fast, for an emo kid, and he uses boomerang-shaped razor blades to attack you and though he seems to be in pain upon catching them, he takes no damage to his health bar for it, but it does stop him from moving while he’s retrieving them, which makes this the prime opportunity to blast him with the Bubble Bomb. Unfortunately, because of the low ammo count on that particular Commie weapon, you’ll find yourself quickly utilizing your SF-X Buster to finish the job nicely. Just so you know, don’t use any other Commie Weapon. If you do, Korn will break out into singing random Lincoln Park songs and you can’t move or fire while he’s doing this. No, he won’t attack you while he’s doing this, but damned if it doesn’t get old fast. Weapon: Boomer-Razor. Just like he did in the fight, you too can throw the boomerang razor blades. Using them, you can grab items from behind walls and such and a nice bonus is that if you do catch the razors, the energy used in utilizing their use is returned, which is kind of cool save one thing. That thing is that these things do piddly damage. Even less than your uncharged buster peashooter shots, so only use it on the next commie or else you’ll just be wasting time. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Aug 1 2008, 11:39 AM Post #7 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Orion the Hunter – The Allegedly Mysterious Forest The standard forest area of video gaming infamy! Nothing terribly exciting really stands out in this place, save that if you hadn’t done Submerged’s stage first, then it wouldn’t be covered in water. The water does effectively nothing, though, but it does add to the scenery, which is nicely done. Swath a path of destruction through the animal and plant-themed enemies until you find the door that leads into Orion the Hunter’s room. He looks like Robin Hood, so I really feel that this whole stage was tacked on at the last second… SF-X: Robin Hood? A commie?! I never thought I’d see this day… Orion: Well, he did believe in equal distribution of wealth… but I’m not Robin Hood. I’m Orion the Hunter. I have some words of wisdom for you… SF-X: “A sword can never beat a pistol”? Orion: … no. Actually, I was just going to say that… uhh… damn, now I forgot… SF-X: … Orion: So, do you listen to Mary Chapin Carpenter? SF-X: That’s it. Die! No, I don’t understand what was just said, don’t ask me. I’m just writing the walkthrough. Anyhow, Orion isn’t to be trifled with, he’s fast and hits hard. He’ll use a long sword if you get too close, or he’ll brandish a bow if you get too far away for him to use his sword, so you must keep moving or risk being shot and then hearing him tell you about his sexual orientation. The most simple and effective way to win is basically wait for him to load an arrow, hop onto the wall and he’ll fire it at the elevation you were at upon his loading said arrow, hop down and let him taste a razor-edged boomerang! Simple as that! Weapon: Bamboo Blade. Wow! Cool name, huh? Too bad it, too, sucks. The blade has an effective range just longer than that of your taser and though it doesn’t use much energy and does sizeable damage compared to the other weapons, you basically have to BE HIT to hit the enemies, so it becomes very counter-intuitive to use. If the range was longer, it could (dare I say it?!) be the first useful Commie Weapon! I have, however, heard of Japanese gamers who use nothing but this weapon to destroy every Commie. Hey, if you can do it, have a ball; just tell me how I can do it too. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Aug 1 2008, 11:40 AM Post #8 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Unearth – Flying Fortress You’ll start this level out at an airport of sorts and you have to walk through airport security which, if you accept and walk through as they tell you too can take hours on end (sandwich break, anyone?) or you can just shoot your way through, killing countless pedestrians and security guards, which will cause more security guards to come after you to try and kill you, screaming, “KILL THE TERRORIST!” whilst you can kill them in two uncharged shots so if you have a turbo controller, have a ball. No matter what you do, you won’t get reprimanded for it at any point and even though you can effectively do what the Commies are said to do, you will never have your judgment questioned. You are, after all, the game’s namesake. After getting through the lobby and airport security, you’ll find yourself in the airport’s runway. There, you’ll fight a few more enemies and get to blow random stuff up. This is almost a bonus level, really, granted how interactive the environment is here. After a short time, you’ll see the same aircraft from the first stage that carried Cog and his demon chicken away and a platform conveniently lowers for you to hop up onto and be carried up into the hull. Here, I guess, is where you can say the ‘real’ level begins because the enemies here are actually a threat and requires a bit more complicated jumps. You’ll follow the path leading up the hull (it’s pretty linear so getting lost shouldn’t be a big deal as long as you maintain your orientation) and you’ll board an elevator and have to sit through a brief conversation with the attendant about how much he likes pineapple before SF-X blasts him off the elevator and rides up to the boss room, which is actually the top of the aircraft! Unearth is some sort of humanoid bird with a bland brown-oriented color palette. Simple enough, right? SF-X: When I say ‘Speak’, Birdie, you tell me what I want to know. Now, where are Cog and that weird thing he was riding? SPEAK! Unearth: Rude, precarious hedgehog! How dare you talk to me that way! SF-X: Precarious? You mean ‘pretentious’, maybe? Unearth: SHUT UP!!! SF-X: And I’m the one who’s picking off your buddies one by one. I think I have a right to be ‘pretentious’. Unearth: … SF-X: Gotcha, don’t I? Unearth: … crap… SF-X: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Let’s get this over with. Unearth is speedy devil, unhindered by the solid platform underneath the both of you. He can fly anywhere on the screen and anywhere off it for that matter. He can cause tornados and flutter his wings to push you around and can attack at very high speeds. He doesn’t have a set pattern that I can tell, so you either have to have Godly timing or wait for him to stand still on the platform with you in order to attack him with his weakness, or you can jump around like a maniac and pick him off with the SF-X buster. Both are totally fine methods in my book, though the latter of the two can be dangerous because if he hits you in mid-air, you’ll go flying and odds are good that you’ll zoom right off the edge. Thankfully, using the sword while you’re both on solid ground will interrupt any attack Unearth was in the middle of. Running into Unearth doesn’t cause very much damage, so brandishing it isn’t that hard, unless you have low health, in which case, the buster might be better. Weapon: Wind Tackle. It’s like your normal dash, save you get a purple aura in so doing so you not only dash, you burn weapon energy AND look gay at the same time! Wow! This weapon also sucks hard. There are also several enemies it doesn’t work on, but which ones are immune and which aren’t seem to be completely random, as if the programmers just got tired of making this attack functional and just said “Screw it”. So, once again—this weapon is only good for the next, and if you followed my advice, final commie. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Aug 1 2008, 11:40 AM Post #9 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Black-Eyed Pea – Burning Factory Hmm~ someone is compensating for something. This place is freakin’ HUGE and has lava and instant-death machines all over the place! Well, it does... if you haven’t done Cold’s level yet. That’s right! If you did Cold’s level prior to coming here, the machines have frozen solid, the lava is rock and every part of the level is a cakewalk. So, like every other level thus far, doing things in their proper order makes it a breeze—not doing them in order makes it Hell on Earth. Well, with everything frozen, including the machines that were the origin of most of the level’s enemies, you get a free pass to pretty much walk through unhindered until towards the end where a few random enemies show up, but are nothing compared to what it could’ve been. Waltz on through the shutter to reach Black-Eyed Pea’s room. Surprisingly, this boss is a young lady, in what appears to be a generic sailor-styled high school girl uniform (Black-Eyed Pea was considered a sex symbol in Japan for years after this game’s released, namely because she’s flat-chested and innocent) and a little ribbon on her head, though it’s fairly obvious she’s a bit too old for that sort of get-up. SF-X: Uhh… are you Black-Eyed Pea? Pleasesayno. Black-Eyed Pea: That’s right! I am! SF-X: Crap… Black-Eyed Pea: Tee-hee! I’m the most powerful of all the Commies! SF-X: My heart’s breaking, it really is. Oh… wait… what heart? Black-Eyed Pea: I’m Fergilicious! SF-X: Ugh. Even I can’t let that one go. YOU DIE! Like I always say—use their weakness. Unlike most enemies that you either pass through or just get hit by while using the Wind Tackle, when you hit Black-Eyed Pea you do a great deal of damage and fly back away from her. It’s an enclosed room and it actually makes it insanely easy to spam the attack while in mid-flight to get a ton of quick hits in without actually being pushed back! Getting a perfect on this fight is easy as anything as, very much like Quiet Riot, when Black-Eyed Pea is hit, her pattern starts over and she’s vulnerable while blinking. This fight should only last a few seconds, at most. Weapon: Heart Kunai. It’s a heart-shaped blade SF-X can throw. It’s weaker than his buster and sucks energy like crazy in just a few shots. The weirdest part is, I’ve played around in the fight against her and I can promise you Black-Eyed Pea has no move even remotely similar to this. This is supposed to be Cold’s weakness, but you’re just as well off using your buster. This weapon is the worst Commie weapon ever. --Special Event Conversation!— When you kill the final Commie, you’re automatically taken to this scene. SF-X walks up into a desolate desert-like area and finds Null standing there. SF-X: Where have you been?! Null: I told you! I’ve been gathering information on Beta’s base! SF-X: You’ve been back at the base eating nachos again, haven’t you? Null: … no? SF-X: … Null: *Ahem* Anyways, we found Beta’s base! *The screen pans over and Null points towards the background where an enormous island is floating in the sky* Null: That’s his base of operation. There. SF-X: … You didn’t notice a gigantic island floating there in the sky in plain view? Null: Well, obviously you didn’t! SF-X: … touché. Null: Whenever you’re ready, we’ll move in. SF-X: “We”? You’ll actually help me? Null: Of course! No other way to steal the spotlight, is there? SF-X: I hate you so much. *Null warps off-screen and after a password you’re returned to the radar screen* And of course, you ought to notice that in the bottom-right corner a new icon appeared of a funny-looking guy with a very polygonal head and a fairly severe butt chin with green hair is sitting there. That’s the face of Beta. When you’re set and have all the power-ups you want to get, you can select it and go to the first Beta level. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Aug 1 2008, 11:40 AM Post #10 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Beta’s Castle in the Sky – Beta Level 1 A brief cut scene takes place between SF-X and Null before the level begins. Null: Ahead is Beta’s base. His security here is going to be way higher than anywhere else we’ve been before. We move in, hit hard, fast and move out. SF-X: Wow! You’re acting so mature about this. I’m impressed. Null: Hey, gotta get ahead in the fan polls somehow. SF-X: Damn you! I knew there was an ulterior motive here! Null: Everything has a price tag. Care to run this mission alone? SF-X: I may as well! Null: Touchy! Touchy! C’mon, let’s go! SF-X: *Sighs* Null: *dashes off screen leaving you, as predicted, alone* Now the level begins! At first, it’s a brief trek across some desert-like terrain for a few small bumps with the occasional enemy here and there. Just keep on going and you’ll reach the land’s end and the beginning of a series of floating platforms. Hop your way on up and try not to fall (I know the flying enemies are annoying, but try to kill them and stay on top of things. Falling is inconvenient when it isn’t fatal.) until you reach the island itself where you can actually walk in. Once in, you’ll travel another brief distance prior to running into Null again, squaring off against Cog outside what is obviously a boss room. SF-X: What have you been doing? Running all the way here, leaving me to contend with the enemies? What kind of helper are you, anyways?! Null: Stand back, SF-X! I’ll get this creep! SF-X: DON’T IGNORE ME!!! Null and Cog will then rush into the next room. Noises of battle are heard, followed by a woman’s (Null’s, probably) scream. That’s your cue to walk in now (you can’t prior to the scream sound). There, you see Cog, back in his giant demon chicken and Null in a cage, having been beaten pretty badly. Things seem serious… almost. SF-X: Damn it, woman! If you had just left it to me… Null: Oh, you could’ve done any better? SF-X: Of course! I’m the main character! Cog: *Ahem* SF-X: Oh, crap! Not again! Yes, again. Just like before, just accept the fact he has no life bar and let him beat you into oblivion. Whether you fight or not is irrelevant. Then, he’ll stand over you and gloat, with his back conveniently turned to Null and her cage. More dialogue! Cog: C’mon dude, you really think that killing those eight weaklings proved anything? It was mildly amusing to fight the chick, but you got nothin’! SF-X: Craaaaaaaaaap… The text box will close and a momentary pause elapse when suddenly Null breaks out of her cage and grabs onto the back of Cog’s demon chicken. Null: He may have nothin’, but that’s more than you got! Cog: That makes no sense! Before anything else is said, Null begins randomly exploding and is hurled off the screen, the demonic chicken completely gone. SF-X suddenly regains his life and gets back up. Cog seems distracted by other things, though. Cog: She exploded?! What the crap?! Wasn’t she a human? SF-X: Last time I checked she was. Which was… well, never… but I think she is… Cog: Hm~ I guess it doesn’t really matter. Chicken or no, I’ll still kick your sorry butt! SF-X: BRING IT! Now the real fight with Cog happens! He’s fast and jumps around a lot, but he’s not worth worrying over. His weakness is actually the razor boomerang, but whether you use it or not is entirely up to you. He jumps, fires eight bullets, lands, waits, jumps up, spits fire, lands, waits, repeats. It’s pretty simple. Kick his butt and while he’s exploding he’ll speak to you again. Cog: Oh crap! Now I’m exploding! This is making less sense by the minute! Why am I exploding?! I’m not a robot! Or am I? I don’t even know anymore! Crap! Well, I guess I oughta say something menacing before I die, huh? SF-X: Sounds logical to me. Whatcha got? Cog: Umm… I’ll HAUNT YOU UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE! SF-X: That’s lame. Cog: Sorry, I don’t think well under pressure. SF-X: Sorry to hear that. Cog: … this is taking a while. SF-X: Yeah. Does it hurt? Cog: Well, yeah, a little, I suppose… SF-X: … wanna go get a soda? Cog: Sure. After the credits? SF-X: Yeah. Hey, wanna try the ominous final words thing again? Cog: Yeah. I guess I should go out with a ‘bang’, pardon the pun. Let’s see… how about: “I WILL RETURN AND KILL ALL YOUR DOGS!!!” SF-X: Well, it’s better but… Cog: Hmm~ okay. Okay. I give up. See you later. SF-X: Later. Well, Cog finally explodes once and for all and SF-X casually strolls over to the heavily wounded Null. He kneels down to speak to her, even though you can’t actually duck in this game. SF-X: Hey, you’re dying, aren’t you? Null: Nah. How’d ya guess? SF-X: That sucks. Well, I’ll be seeing you… Null: Wait! Please wait! SF-X: Want one of my generic energy tanks? Null: No thanks. I think those only work on robots anyhow. SF-X: You’re just trying to be overly-dramatic and build up fansite bonus points… Null: Hee hee. Yeah. SF-X: *Sigh* I guess I can’t stop you. By the way, how did you explode? Null: I had C4 in my bra. SF-X: … wow. Null: I pack heat. SF-X: No kidding. Well, see ya, smelly corpse. Null: SF-X, will you be serious for a moment? SF-X: I am. I hate you. Null: That’s too bad… I always… kind of liked you… SF-X: … really? Null: Mm-hmm. SF-X: … wow. Uhh… hey, I’m sorry if I was kind of mean to you before… Null: S’okay. Go kill Beta for me, will you? SF-X: So, does the hero get a kiss? Null: … SF-X: C’mon! Null: … SF-X: Damn it. Null: Good luck! Here’s where the situation can change a little. You can find SF-X’s buster upgrade in Black-Eyed Pea’s stage, if you went ahead and got the helmet upgrade too. If you did, the conversation ends there. However, if you didn’t, the scene goes on for a few lines more. Null: Oh, wait. I forgot one last thing. SF-X: A kiss? Null: Don’t push your luck. Here. Take my rifle. SF-X: Your gun? Wait, so you really seriously are dying, aren’t you? Null: Yep. Take it. You can install it into your buster and make it stronger… take care. SF-X: … wow. Thank you. Null: … SF-X: … look, could you go ahead and die already? I feel kind of awkward leaving a half-dead body here. Null: *Sigh* If she hadn’t already, Null will vanish at this point. The level rolls on from here in a fairly straight-forward fashion. You’ll be forced to re-fight two of the Commies from before but which ones are randomized each play through, so I can’t tell you which to expect—just relate back to the guide’s earlier parts and figure out what you need to do. At the end, you fight generic scorpion boss. The scorpion boss is very large and hangs on the background, swinging its claws and tail into the foreground, abusing Mode 7 special effects. It usually waves the appendage it’s about to use a moment before it strikes, so it’s pretty obvious where you need to go to avoid it. When it waves all three attacking parts at once, it means it’ll either go from right claw-tail-left claw or vice-versa, so stand in the middle and wait to find out which side to dash to. When the attacking part is in the foreground shoot it with the snowball weapon from Cold and it won’t be a bother for too much longer. When only one part remains, it’ll attack very quickly and spasmodically, so be ready to dive around while firing. Once it’s defeated, you’re returned to the stage select screen, allowing you to go back and refill your generic energy tanks or pick up any other items you may have missed along the way—which is a very good idea. When you’re ready, select Beta’s portrait again to go to the 2nd Beta level. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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4:26 AM Nov 30
