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| Random Exploits of Corrupted Youth Archives; Made by Jeff. Chapter -1 to 21. | |
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| Topic Started: Jul 6 2008, 04:32 PM (94 Views) | |
| Sean | Jul 6 2008, 04:40 PM Post #11 |
The ⑥of Four Against Nature
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Your WiiFit Chapter Number is... ... ... 21! Now you can buy cigarettes! Nah, I'm just kidding. Don't smoke, kids. Just say 'WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!' "Wait, what were we doing again?" Dietaku suddenly asked, "It's been like two months since we facevaulted..." "I remember a space opera... female otakus kidnapped... and now, a robot with a LOT of explaining to do," Jeff clarified as the remains of the 4th wall gurgled as best it could in pain. "I can explain everything," the femme-bot insisted, "But it is a tiny bit complicated..." "So this is going to be an exposition chapter where nothing particularly interesting happens?" Rem sighed, wishing for more wanton violence. "Well... to be perfectly frank, yes," the robot nodded, "Basically it all began 35 years ago..." Root felt the need to interrupt with, "None of us were ALIVE 35 years ago!" "I know that, silly," the generously-endowed robot replied, "35 years ago, fate began to make its move. Unfortunately, nowadays fate won't even return my calls! Can you believe the nerve?! She's always going on like 'Oh! The answering machine must be broken! I didn't get your call!" yeah, right... Anyways, she began making plans, like she always does, that no-good busybody, and basically signed a few contracts with the higher powers that govern the universe proper and, well, to make a long story short, sold the lot of you into the divine quest of bringing massive lulz and justice to the universe..." "Wait, wait, wait," Jeff hesitated, "You mean to tell me that Shade didn't really MAKE Gaming Overkill, but that it was an idea implanted into his thick skull by the hands of fate to bring together some arbitrarily-summoned "heroes" so that we could save the universe for chuckles?" The robot paused, placed a thoughtful finger to her lips, then said, "Yeah, basically," "BEST. DESTINY. EVAR." Sean grunted with great enthusiasm. "Your voice sounds familiar, though," Dieter thought out loud, "Why?" "I'm glad you asked!" the robot curtsied. "I'm not..." Rem mumbled. "I was your hostess during the EVIL OLYMPICS! The difference in then and now is that I'm conveniently whole now, and was only conveniently 1/3 of my true form back then. The other parts of me conveniently included a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and a random space craft that all conveniently came together when Root and Rem brought them together!" She continued. "Convenient," Jeff snickered. "So, what's the story for this thing?" Root asked, handing the odd belt back to the robot-lady. "That's a plot device!" she smiled. "Subtle," Dietaku nodded solemnly. "I was instructed by fate that, upon being re-constructed into my whole form, to be the plot-device-bearer for the heroes of all that is lulzy!" she nodded. "And..." Sean hesitated, "Why weren't you all in 1 piece from the get-go?" "Why are there so many 'sealed evils' in the universe?" the robot shrugged, "Besides, how many of you here would REALLY be okay with me breaking into your bedrooms and saying 'Come with me. Now.' anyways?" There was an uncomfortable silence as Jeff and Dietaku raised their hands and drooled a little. "... right," the robot sighed a little, now having realized she really didn't have to get broken into three pieces, "But more importantly, this plot device will be the key to saving the universe! It's the reason why you won't be needing any weapons along the way! With each passing chapter, the plot device will assume a form that will be of use to you!" "So, it's basically a, quite literal, Dues ex Machina?" Jeff asked. The robot then turned the device to its side and showed him that those self-same words were branded there. "Well, curse me for a donkey's bottom," Jeff sighed. "Wait, what?" Sean suddenly asked. "The problem with the plot device is that, though it is quite powerful, it's somewhat odd. Every time it powers up, its function and form change - and I'm the only one who'll know what it'll do in that form and who can utilize it properly. In addition, once a form is used, it can never use that same power again," the robot explained. "YOU PUNK!" Jeff screamed at Root, "BECAUSE OF YOU I'LL NEVER GET TO BE A KAMEN RIDER!!!" "A Kamen Rooter!" Dietaku clarified. "Um~ right," the strangely effeminate robot nodded, "So, when it powers up in a tight spot, I'll be able to pick out its proper user and abilities for you," "Look," Dietaku raised a hand to stop the robot, "I'm sure the author's a little tired of calling you 'the robot' or whatever. What's your name there, Ms. 'I-like-to-jump-the-gun-in-conversation'?" "Oh!" the robot of whom I swear this will be the last time I refer to as "the robot" said, "My serial number is P-962801 - and an amusing fact about that is that if I were fruit, the '9' would mean I was organic - but from what I gather, you humans tend to frown on serial numbers, so you can just call me the Multi-purpose Automated Randomizer-operating Yak. Or, MARY, for short!" "Yak?" Dietaku recoiled. "Yes," MARY admitted, "Needless to say, I was a very ugly baby," "I... I see..." Dietaku found himself at a loss for words. "I NEED VIOLENCE!" Rem rampaged. "Well, I guess since we're in a relatively peaceful area, we can use the plot device's power as practice," MARY suggested, "And we can decide who'll be the target by a simple human practi-- NOT IT!" "NOT IT!" Jeff shouted instinctively. "NOT IT!" Sean yelped. "NOT-FREAKING-IT!" Dietaku followed. "NOT I--" Root then realized what had just happened, "Oh, you guys suck..." After the others were standing back a safe distance, MARY handed the plot device to Rem and gave her brief instructions over it, as Root then got to learn first-hand what it felt like to be in a firing squad at dawn. Rem then proudly took the device as it shifted into what appeared to be an over-sized magazine of some sort. Rem them proudly held it up, "This is my book which brings joy and happiness to all who survey it!" Root breathed a brief sigh of relief, "That doesn't sound too bad at all..." Rem's book then turned to an enormous stage that Rem and Root found themselves in, "Tah-dah! Rem's Horribly Bloody Picture Book of Horribly Bloody Murder in the Horribly Bloody Haunted House of Horribly Bloody Murder!" Root's sigh turned into a choking gasp, "Oh my dear God, THAT brings happiness and joy to all who read it?!" "Well," Rem paused to think about it, "It brought ME joy and happiness and I'm the only one who read it!" "I KNEW THERE WAS A LOOPHOLE!" Root cried. Rem giggled as she read from a still-miniature version of the book, "Once upon a time there was a happy little girl named 'Rem'. She liked violence and shiny things, so she set out to find both. Along the way, she came upon an enormous haunted mansion, so she went inside!" "That's terrible motivation," Root mumbled, still having difficulty swallowing air. "Inside, she found a scrambled painting on the wall. Curious of what it was, she attempted to solve the puzzle!" Rem giggled, as Root found himself surrounded by a 4x4 sliding picture puzzle. After many minutes of work and many obscenities uttered, he finished said puzzle. After finishing it, it turned out to be a display of a giant mallet, which then popped out of the painting, and landed upon Root. After he shoved it off, Root returned to his feet, panting. "Good job!" Rem squealed, "You solved the first puzzle!" "Joy to the world," Root grunted, "What next?" Rem then glanced back to her book, "Then, Rem encountered an enormous ogre, who presented Rem a riddle: what fills holes, yet lies behind stars?" Root puzzled for a moment but Rem went on, "And gave Rem two seconds to figure it out! One-Two!" "THAT'S NOT FAI--" but Root was unable to finish his statement as a massive ogre smashed its equally massive club down on him, "Agony..." "Oh, too bad!" Rem feigned a pout, "The correct answer was 'darkness'!" "Yeah, like what your SOUL is full of..." Root mumbled. "And now, the final puzzle so Rem could go home and eat cake!" Rem announced. "IF THAT WAS YOUR ENTIRE MOTIVATION, WHY DID YOU GO IN THE HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!" was what Root WANTED to yell, but due to his current condition and state of mind, what came out was more along the lines of a terrified, "Meep!" Rem went on anyways, "And finally, Rem met the owner of the house, a fashion-impaired witch, who asked her to help her pick out what was wrong with her outfit so she could better impress her date. Compelled by her gentle and loving nature to always help out a person in need, Rem agreed to pick out what was wrong with her outfit!" Root was then presented with a picture of a relatively normal-looking woman and found himself stumped. He puzzled and wondered and thought and many other words that more or less mean the same thing until he came to the most logical reaction. IT'S A TRAP! "This is a trick question!" Root declared, "There's NOTHING wrong with her!" "Aww," Rem pouted, "I'm sorry, but your answer was wrong!" "Wha--?" Root stuttered. "Everyone knows that beige purse, tan belt and brown shoes just don't match!" Rem announced. "THAT'S THE EXACT SAME SHADE OF BROWN!" Root wailed as he began to get rigorously flogged by many leather objects of varying legality as far as the United States was concerned. "The end!" Rem exclaimed, and Root was all too happy to oblige as he laid in a bloody heap on the ground, "Wasn't that FUN?!" But Root was unable to answer, having been beaten into unconsciousness. "And, with that," MARY exclaimed, "Let's go save the universe!" To be... continued... |
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| Jeff | Oct 3 2008, 11:21 PM Post #12 |
Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Chapter 36 - Because I rike 36. Sreep deplivation is gewd. Engrish yummy. Suddenly, even though it's been several months since Gaming Overkill ceased to exist and only a slightly shorter time since this was actually updated, a mysterious mystery man mysteriously materialized. From the shadows emerged a man with disheveled hair, a black and red wardrobe and a vet with the names of the Seven Deadly Sins branded across it in aesthetically pleasing manner addressed them, "HA-HA-HA! Peons!" "Peon?!" Sean cried, "Hey! I didn't pee on anyone! ... Recently!" "Wow, dude," Dietaku - who from now on shall be called "Dan" for no other reason than the author is a lazy prick - said, "Way too much to know," "No, no, no," the new shadowy figure shook his head, "Peon. P-E-O-N. It means... it means... wh-what does it mean?" "According to dictionary.com," Dan began, "pe·on1 /ˈpiən, ˈpiɒn/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[pee-uhn, pee-on] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun 1. (in Spanish America) a farm worker or unskilled laborer; day laborer. 2. (formerly, esp. in Mexico) a person held in servitude to work off debts or other obligations. 3. any person of low social status, esp. one who does work regarded as menial or unskilled; drudge." "O-oh," the new arrival sighed slightly, his dramatic spiel now ruined due to toilet humor. "Cog?" Jeff asked. "YES!" Cog announced, attempting to retake his dramatic thunder that had been so anticlimactically ripped from him, "IT IS I! AND I WAS THE ONE WHO SHOT J. R. EWING!" "Tch, referencing out-dated pop culture!" Dan shook his head, "For shame," "Get bent," Cog sighed, "It's better than this new pop culture nonsense. I mean, seriously? People take celebrities seriously? BAH!!!" "What do you want?!" MARY gasped, protectively holding the Plot Device against her ample bosom. "Want?" Cog pondered, "What was it again?" "You over-slept again and missed the casting try-outs, didn't you?" Jeff asked. "DIE. IN. A. FIRE. PEON!" Cog grunted. "You're so unreliable... we've had to get all this way on our OWN!" Jeff folded his arms and sighed. "Oh, that's it. I'm SO beating your ass!" Cog cracked his knuckles in glee, "You totally had this one coming for the bagel joke!" "You're still harping on that inside reference?" Jeff asked, "Seriously? That was in like... 7th grade. Get over it..." MARY handed Jeff to the Plot Device, "Here! It's Fusion Mode has engaged!" "Fusion Mode?" Jeff asked. "Basically," MARY began, "It's the only re-usable function of the Plot Device!" "You just got done telling us last chapter that each form can only be used ONCE!" Rem protested. "Dues Ex Machina," MARY reminded them with a wink, "Basically you can fuse with one party member to become a SUPER FUSED FORM!" Dan rushed at Jeff, "FREAKING SWEET! LET'S DO IT! ARISE, KING OF SPAM! DANDANDAN! DA-DA-DA! DA-DA-DA! DANDANDAN! DA-DA-DA! DA-DA-DA-DA! DANDANDAN!" In a sudden flash of light and lack of common sense, Jeff, Dan and the Plot Device vanished and after the light subsided, a tall, chesty blonde woman with psychedelic slicked-back hair with a gray shirt and shorts with an over-sized red scarf stood there. "Th-they turned into... a girl," Rem stated, "Wow, what is WRONG with this story?" The woman, in a surprisingly deep, sultry voice introduced herself, "I am Jedan! Solar Knight of pie and otakuness! I am the result when anime and tokusatsu shows fuse together!" Cog looked on in distaste, "Y'know, I really wish I never saw that. I mean, that's my two best friends - guys no less - but... oh, screw it!" Cog leaps at Jedan, as a black scythe formed in his grip as he slashed away madly. Jedan easily danced around it before pulling a pineapple and a broom from hammer space. Cog gasped, "Wait, what?!" Jedan held the items up, "TOTALLY AWESOME FUSION POWAH GO! PINEAPPLE! BROOM! PINEAPPLE HAMMAH!!!" Suddenly, a pineapple on the end of a long pole appeared in her hands as she began to beat the living crap out of Cog, then sent him flying through the air before pausing momentarily to notice she was standing on Root, who was just starting to regain consciousness. Root stood and looked at Jedan, "And... you are?" "That's Jedan," Sean mentioned, "Jeff and Dan's fused form!" "What?" Root wondered, "A fused form? Well, I guess that makes sense. Are you fighting that guy over there? Let me help!" "Sure," Jedan said as she drew out a spoon and a spring, "You can help lots," "W-wait, what are you doing?!" Root gasped as Jedan grabbed his head. "TOTALLY AWESOME FUSION POWAH GOOOO!" Jedan cried out, "SPOON! SPRING! AND ROOT!" Suddenly a massive catapult appeared, Root locked firmly into the loading part, "PURE LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP ROOT-A-PULT!!!" Root was then violently hurled into Cog before he could even utter a protest. "AWESOME!" Rem gasped, "I wanna be just like YOU, Jedan, when I grow up!" Jedan merely grinned as Cog kicked Root off to the side. Cog then stood and mumbled, "I hate you SO MUCH. Even moreso now than for that pineapple thing... Well! No matter! You'll soon run out of things to throw at me, so if I keep a safe distance, I'm fine..." Cog then gasped as Jedan drew out some new items. "TOTALLY AWESOME FUSION POWAH GO!" Jedan then presented the items as she named them, "TOY CAR! CHAINSAW! REM!" suddenly a massive vehicle with a chainsaw for the front appeared, Rem inside, driving it, "REM'S GO VROOM-VROOM TOO, DOOD!" Then Rem violently ran Cog down multiple times, laughing maniacally. Cog finally gasped and sputtered, "I surrendor..." Jedan smirked, "Good. Cuz now you're joining the hero team AND losing like 80% of your powers as a result," "Fugg," Cog grunted as he passed out in a pile next to the unconscious Root. Jedan then reverted to her fusion pieces, and Jeff and Dan were summarily beaten by their own party members for threatening their well-being. More next time, true believers! TO BE CONTINUED!!! |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Sean | Oct 4 2008, 07:55 AM Post #13 |
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The ⑥of Four Against Nature
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....What...the....hell?! That was the most random fight ever.... |
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2:32 AM Dec 4
