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| BobBob's Unorthodox Quest!; The first story in this epic tale! | |
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| Topic Started: Sep 8 2009, 08:19 PM (48 Views) | |
| Jeff | Sep 8 2009, 08:19 PM Post #1 |
Lord of Pie & BBWs
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BobBob’s Unorthodox Quest! Presented By: JeffCom Yes! Welcome to the first part of the epic “Unorthodox Quest” stories for the classic NES! You might be familiar with this as being the prequel to JeffJeff, DanDan, SeanSean, MyMy and YuYu’s Unorthodox Quests – the story that became legend and forever altered the course of destiny of the Bobberson family. Read on and enjoy! --Controls— Control Pad – Move BobBob around. The levels are essentially 2D, but you have some room to move up and down. If you’ve ever played a side-scrolling beat-em-up you know what to expect. If not, you’ll figure it out… hopefully. If knocked down, rotate the control pad to quickly recover. B Button – Attack. BobBob’s moveset is mostly punches and kicks. However, if you pick up an item (by walking over it) you may use it as a weapon too with this button. With one exception, all weapons have 10 hits before they break. Exactly 10. Deal with it. A Button – Jump. Jump, jump, jump. You can also attack from the air by tapping ‘B’ after you jump. You may also do a special move by tapping both ‘B’ and ‘A’ at the same time, which makes BobBob do a spin with his fists extended, hitting any enemies nearby and sapping a little bit of health. Start – Pauses the game and plays this funky beat. Duh-di-duh-duh-di-di-duh-duh-di-duh-di~… Select – Press this to make the game not suck. Ha-ha-ha! No, I’m just kidding, obviously. It crashes the game and deletes your savefiles. Take that, battery backup! --Main Menu— You have “New Game”, “Continue” and “Options”. And since the only option is to switch the functions of the B and A buttons, we’re just going to go and hit “New Game”, okay? But, seriously, who the hell in their right minds makes “B” jump on an NES game? Assholes, that’s who. --Intro— Narrator: It was a dark and stormy night – gosh, where have we heard that one before – over the British countryside. Nobleman, Bill Bobberson, his wife, Betsy Bobberson and their infant son, Robert Bobberson (affectionately referred to as “BobBob” by Mr. and Mrs. Bobberson) are riding their carriage towards Bobberson Manor, located in Placenotspecified, England. You know the place, a little west of Overyondershire but to the north of Pastthethirdlightandoverthehillford. Anyways, it was raining unseasonably hard and it was unseasonably dark and suddenly, the hillside road unseasonably gave way. Bill: OH DEAR! I say, I do so ever hope this doesn’t end in tragedy and me losing anything important or inadvertently setting up my progeny for generations of misery and pain! That would be most unfortunate! Betsy: Quite so, dear! I already have more lines here than I did in the original manga! And, you know, a name. BobBob: Hee hee hee! Goo! Narrator: When the mudslide ended, both horses, the driver, Betsy, an entire orphanage of children, two hospitals, four insurance salesmen and a partridge in a pair tree were killed or at least in the process of dying from uncharacteristically severe wounds granted the circumstances, leaving a giggling BobBob and an unconscious William Bobberson, both of whom hadn’t a scratch on them through some twist of plot device – I mean fate. Because the carriage had nearly fallen on top of them, a lowly thief and his wife happened upon the wreckage. Thinking its occupants dead (for… some reason, it’s sort of hard to say) they decided to raid it. Thief: Huzzah! I, German Englishman, have stumbled upon this great wreckage of a nobleman! I shall raid it and be filthy rich! Wife: Do I get a name? German: NO! Wife:  German: Check it out. These people are really dead! Wife: What tipped you off? The fact that they’re visibly impaled by the wheel spokes like eight times over or the amount of blood gushing out of them? German: Can you even say “blood” in a Nintendo game? I mean, seriously? Wife: More importantly, what are you doing? German: Fool! Can’t you tell? A rich man’s woe is a poor man’s blessing! I’m gonna loot this carriage until I can’t see strai— Narrator: Suddenly, Bill Bobberson regained consciousness. Thinking the little maniac trying to, quite obviously, remove his very ornate wedding ring is trying to help him, he speaks. Bill: Y-you… German: AGH! ZOMBIES! Wife: That’s not until level 7! Bill: You were… trying to save us? German: Err… yeah, what you said, not what I was saying. Bill: And the others? German: Let’s see… horses are ready for the glue factory… driver could be served up as a replacement for a scarecrow… wife, well, needless to say I hope you had a good life insurance policy… but I think the kid’s okay for some reason. Plot armor, I imagine. Bill: I see. I will nobly accept this blow to my life with grace and respect for the forces of the world around me and establish my character as an honorable badass. Wife: He is pretty badass. German: SHH! Narrator: Bill, taking BobBob into his arms, rises to speak with the thief. Bill: You’re clearly evil and I seem to be missing my wallet, my pocket watch, wedding ring, three of my teeth and my handkerchief, but thank you for rescuing me – I wish I could reward you. I am William “Bill” Bobberson. What is your name, so that I may reward you in the future? German: I am German Englishman, kind sir. Wife: I’m just here as a plot device, don’t mind me. Bill: German Englishman, is it? Very well… I’ll remember you name, good sir. Narrator: Years passed since that day. 1880 AD, a new type of “Gold Rush” overran Europe with the advent of new technologies and social changes. Everyone was given the chance to be rich… and for no discernable reason, I’m going to stop talking about that and take you to the middle of an English field. A young lady, Eraine Dickenson (or is it “Elaine”? The Romanization isn’t exactly consistent…) is being tormented by bullies, who have taken her favorite doll from her. Boy 1: Hey! Eraine! Is this yours? Hah! Your dad buy it for you? Boy 2: Must’ve been worth a lot! You think if we strip it down, it’ll look like a real girl? Eraine: Stop it! Stop it, you big meanies! Boy 1: Ha-ha! Eraine the crybaby! Eraine: Uwaaaah! I am so stereotypically in generic distress! Narrator: Suddenly, a young, mulleted boy arrived on the scene and immediately struck a dramatic pose. New Boy: Leave her alone or the power of my mullet will strike you down! Boy 1: What? Who’s he? Boy 2: He has a unique nametag AND he’s dressed like one of those upper-class snobs! Boy 1: Hey! Bobberson Manor isn’t far from here! He must be their kid! Boy 2: If he is, I’ll knock the shit out of him! New Boy: Yeah, I am. Call me “BobBob”! Boy 1: GET ‘IM! BobBob: Oh, poopy. -Level 1- The Plains Mission: Protect Eraine and defeat the bullies! This is your warm-up level. Beat up the bullies and don’t let any of them get to Eraine (who is hiding behind where you start). Occasionally, there will be punks wielding sticks, but a jump kick will knock them down, letting you retrieve their weapons and put them in their place. There’s no boss of this stage (just one bully with a longer lifebar than the others) and once you clear them all out, one will drop Eraine’s doll. Pick it up then walk to her to end the level. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Sep 8 2009, 08:20 PM Post #2 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Narrator: BobBob go this ass handed to him. BobBob: Wait, WHAT?! Boy 1: Ha-ha! Little noble boy! From hero to zero! BobBob: I AM 99% CERTAIN I JUST KICKED ALL YOUR ASSES! Boy 2: Let’s get out of here. He might have girl cooties! BobBob: GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARDS!!! Eraine: Are you hurt? BobBob: I didn’t think so. Now I’m only 80% sure I won. Eraine: You got pummeled pretty badly. BobBob: … 60%. Eraine: But you didn’t have to do that for me. BobBob: I didn’t! Girls have yucky cooties. I got your stupid doll back not because I like you or anything – not like you have any chance of being my future love interest or anything cliché like that – I did it because I wanna be a squire! Squires never look the other way from injustice – even if the odds were against them! Even though I clearly won that fight… Eraine: Thank you… BobBob. Narrator: BobBob then returned home, and was greeted by a new, mysterious arrival. Blonde Boy: I am definitely not the antagonist. BobBob: That’s reassuring. Oh! I remember now! You must be Italian Englishman. I can tell because I was told you won the annual “Prettiest Boy in Europe” contest last year. Everyone around here calls me BobBob. Italian: I see. Did I mention I am definitely NOT the antagonist? Narrator: Just then, BobBob’s faithful dog and friend, Jotaro, ran up to them. BobBob: Ahh! This is Jotaro! He’s very smart and he loves people. Don’t worry, he won’t bite. Narrator: Suddenly, Italian kicked Jotaro in the head! BobBob: OI! You wanker, what do you think you’re doing?! Italian: Umm… it startled me. M’ah bad. BobBob: But he wasn’t even MOVING! Italian: Startled. BobBob: Oh. I guess that’s okay, but be more careful from now on. Italian: Good, because I’m definitely NOT the antagonist, nor am I trying to psychologically break you so that I can steal the entire Bobberson fortune due to my intense, burning hatred of my alcoholic/abusive father of whom I blame the death of my mother on. That would be just silly. BobBob: That’s good to know. It’s good to clear the air of these things right away. Narrator: Later, Bill Bobberson addressed Italian, welcoming him to their home. Italian then summarily kicked the ever-loving snot out of BobBob. Italian: Listen up, BobBob! I’m NUMBER ONE. If you get in my way, I’ll punt you like I punted the dog. BobBob: B-but I was just trying to be nice— Italian: Tough rocks, pal. And don’t let that stupid JoJo or whatever anywhere near me. Narrator: Suffice to say, BobBob’s future was wracked with pain and misery because Italian was a douche – but he was just SO PRETTY that the servants kept mistaking him for a lost kitten and if you get mistaken for a kitten, you automatically get let off the hook of anything. It’s English law. As a result, BobBob locked himself in his room and wrote books whose authorship would later be attributed to Oscar Wilde. BobBob: … and that’s why I suffer abandonment issues from my mum. And why I still periodically wet the bed. Narrator: A few days later after Italian started making our hero’s life a living hell, BobBob went out to hang out with his buddies, who had organized a boxing match! BobBob: Yeah! I’m a big guy and I could use some exercise! This’ll help get the emo out! Announcer: LET’S GET READY TO USE A COPYRIGHTED PHRASE!!! -Level 2- Boxing Match Mission: Beat all the challengers! This level has a unique gimmick in that if you or any opponent is knocked down and doesn’t get up for a 10 count, they die (for you, you lose a life. You start the game with 3, so yeah). Enemies will start spawning one at a time, slowly at first and slowly building up to a max of three at a time. The boss is Italian, who hops around like a retarded bunny periodically shouting “KITTEN UNDERGROUND KUNG-FU”. Once you beat his health to zero, he’ll get up and hit you. This is a scripted event, so don’t worry. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Sep 8 2009, 08:20 PM Post #3 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Narrator: After an amazing display of athletic prowess from both fighters, Italian suddenly pulls a cheap shot! Italian: I’M PUNCHING YOU, POKIN’ YOUR EYES! BobBob: OW! MY EYE! IT HURTS SO BAD!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! Announcer: And Italian Englishman’s the winner! We’re going to callously overlook BobBob’s wound – even though he supposedly has been our friend for years – and congratulate Italian for his awesomeness! Italian: Heh. I’m just awesome is all. That and I have cool fireworks. Check it. But don’t tell BobBob anything – he can’t keep a secret! BobBob: HELLO?! ANYONE?! BLEEDING PROFUSELY OVER HERE?! Italian: By the way, I’m taking your lunch money. BobBob: WANKER! Italian: Solitude makes a man hollow! Soon he will shrivel up and DIE IN DESPAIR! BWA HA HA HA HAAA!!! But I am definitely NOT evil. Narrator: A few days later, Italian (after beating up BobBob yet again – a routine that had at that point become hourly – and stealing his prized pocket watch) examined a strange stone mask hanging on the Bobberson Manor wall. Italian: Oh! S-sorry, Mr. Bobberson! I was just looking. Bill: It’s no big deal. Supposedly that thing came from some Mexican ruins. In London, my wife saw it at an art gala and insisted we buy it. It was on the way back from there that the carriage accident happened and she passed away. That’s when I met your father, too, come to think of it. So, not at all suspecting the mask carries an evil or ancient curse, I hung it up because the face on it makes me chuckle. Do you like it? Italian: Umm… no? Bill: Oh. Never mind then. Narrator: Frustrated from the routine ass-handings-to, BobBob went outside to get some fresh air. There, he met some boys who used to be his friends. BobBob: Hey! Guys! Check it out! I found a dirty magazine! You won’t believe it; the lady in it is showing off her WHOLE SHIN! This stuff has all but been taken off the market! C’mon! Boy 1: Hey, guys some stranger is talking to us. Boy 2: We shouldn’t talk to him. He’ll snitch on it. Boy 3: Let’s throw rocks at him! BobBob: What?! What do you mean “snitch”?! Oh, you guys need an ASS KICKING!!! -Level 3- Riverside Mission: Beat everyone’s ass. This is a pretty standard level. Walk right, beat enemies up. Unlike the first two levels, there’s no fancy gimmick here, so just let loose. Sticks fall with high regularity here, making this level insultingly easy. The boss is just some fat guy who tries to tackle you. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Sep 8 2009, 08:20 PM Post #4 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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BobBob: That was disappointingly simple. Narrator: You’re telling us. Anyways, having made short work of everyone within eyeshot of him, BobBob strolled down to the river to play with Jotaro. Suddenly, a shadow out of the corner of his eye catches his attention. BobBob: A shadow out of the corner of my eye has caught my attention! Girl: ! Narrator: Upon being spotted, the girl set down a large basket of various berries and nuts and flees. BobBob: Huh? She looked familiar. Was she leaving that there for me? Jotaro: Arf! Narrator: In the basket, BobBob finds the handkerchief with his name embroidered on it. BobBob: Even though it wasn’t shown on screen, I must have dropped this during the first fight with those bullies. I thought that girl looked familiar! She was the one I rescued before. Wow. She was… kind of cute! Narrator: BobBob called out after the first tail he had an interest in, thanking her for her generosity. BobBob: Thank you for your generosity! Narrator: Stop that. BobBob: Sorry. Narrator: Before, BobBob’s life had been filled with pain and sadness but suddenly, out of the blue, this mysterious young damsel arrived in his life. The two became fast friends and did things little British kids did before WWI – like randomly riding on wagons down halfpipes or catching frogs. Don’t look at me; I’m just going off what the manga gives me. BobBob: Yay! Eraine: Yay! Narrator: However, noticing that BobBob had ceased slitting his wrists and stopped updating his Livejournal, Italian decided to psychologically attack Eraine. He planted a kiss on her, causing her to tear Italian’s coat clear in half, punch him repeatedly, then wash her mouth out in a gutter. Punk: Wow. She really hates you. Italian: Meh. She probably mistook me for another woman. That happens a lot when you’re this pretty. Anyways~ I WAS YOUR FIRST KISS! NOT BOBBOB! NOW YOU HAVE TO GO ALL MOPEY AND EMO ‘cuz… uhh… ‘cuz… that’s what girls do, I guess? It made more sense in my head before I said it out loud. Either way, I’ll do what it takes to win! Punk: C’mon! Let’s go make fun of BobBob now! Italian: Heh. Of course! There’s no way THIS could backfire now! Narrator: The next day, when BobBob approached his lady love she fled in shame. BobBob: Hey! WTF, man? Punk: Ha-ha! Why don’t you ask her what’s wrong, BobBob? BobBob: WHAT?! Punk: Hurr hurr! Italian is a smooth criminal! BobBob: ITALIAN?! Grr! Italian: Heh. What’s up with those clenched fists? That posture? Are you going to fight me? BobBob: KICK. YOU. ASS. NOW!!! -Level 4- The Manor Mission: Beat Italian until he cries. Another straight-forward level. Punks come in larger numbers than they have before, so be prepared. Once you clear out the rabble, Italian will fight you. He’s much faster and has a very annoying high-kick move that can knock you around. I find the jump kick to be quite useful here, though. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Sep 8 2009, 08:21 PM Post #5 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Narrator: During their scuffle, BobBob delivered a devastating blow to Italian – which hurled blood through the air and over the stone mask hung on the Bobberson Manor wall. The mask sudden grows dozens of spikes made out of a substance not unlike bone and violently wriggles around on the floor. Before either could further attack, Bill Bobberson intervened. Days later, however, a terrible incident occurred – Italian had it arranged so BobBob’s beloved dog would be tossed in the furnace! BobBob – dealt severe blows on the two most important fronts of his life – silently retreated to his room. Seven years have passed since that day. Italian is graduating college with a law degree and BobBob wrote a magnificent thesis in the field of archeology! Surely they’re the best of friends by now! Italian: Friendship? BAH! Don’t make me laugh! I’ve been playing buddy-buddy with BobBob to prevent him from handing my ass on a platter for seven years! THIS is what I’ve been waiting for! To be able to come of age to legally obtain the wealth of the Bobbersons! Random Guy: You sure do like making your internal monologs external. Italian: SHUT UP! I’m going to guffaw a bit before I go home. Narrator: BobBob, however, was dealing with his own internal conflicts. BobBob: Has it really been seven years? I guess I should feel as though Italian is my best friend, and yet I harbor nothing but anger and fear of him. I can’t even PROVE the events with Jotaro and Eraine even HAPPENED! Am I just a bad person? Narrator: What? Are you fucking retarded?! After all that, you’re letting the bastard walk? BobBob: Well… Narrator: You’re hopeless. More importantly, upon their return home, BobBob finds his father violently ill. Bill: What? Me? Go to a hospital? Are you daft?! I’ll be over this in no time. BADASS OLD MAN POWER GO!!! Narrator: During his time researching archeology, BobBob had taken to excitedly studying the old stone mask from Mexico. BobBob: The old stone mask is fascinating! And even though it has only a sole trigger (blood; quantity and type are irrelevant) I find infinite wonderment in it and the inability to actually do anything with it. … DAMN IT! Why didn’t I become a business major?! Narrator: However, whilst dicking about in the family library, BobBob accidentally stumbles upon the letter German Englishman wrote to his father seven years ago. Upon reading it, he realizes that the medicine Italian has been bringing Bill Bobberson each day has been the same poison used to kill his own father! BobBob: Oh holy shit on a shingle! Narrator: And even though Italian essentially ADMITTED his guilt (and gave us a rather needlessly wordy exposition behind the birthmark on his left hip…) BobBob required proof – the man who sold him the poison in London! So BobBob set off immediately rather than, y’know, asking the cops to help. Before he left he made it a point to chuck Italian over the hand railing and ordering the servants to deliver his father the proper medicine while he was away. Unfortunately, they mistook Italian for a kitten and he resumed his poisonous regimen. BobBob: God, why is it that I suddenly grow some balls and all the people around me suddenly become functionally retarded?! For cryin’ out loud… Narrator: BobBob arrived at the part of London known as Goblin Road and headed into the cold unknown. There, he met a tall man with funny hair and his gang. Boss: Heh! Who have we here? Flunky 1: Hey, Tattoo! Dice ‘im up with yer knife! Flunky 2: A’ight! BobBob: Oh boy~… -Level 5- Goblin Road Mission: Clear the road at all costs! This level is enclosed onto one screen but is only composed of three bosses, one right after the other. The first is Tattoo, a large man with knives, ready to stab you. Jump kick him to make him drop one, then take it for yourself to even the odds a little. Finishing him with a jump kick is advised for obvious reasons. The second is a horribly racist caricature of a Chinese guy named Wang Dong who loves high-speed jump kicks. However, your arm is LONGER than his leg, so even if he’s directly assaulting you, you can punch him in the balls and make this fight about half as long as the programmers intended. The last guy is named Totally Not Copyrighted (y’know, after the band!) and he is one tough costumer. He turns his fedora into a razor boomerang and can take potshots at you from across the screen. Be ready to move quickly and keep close at all costs. Do not let up, or you WILL be eating metal-edged hat. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Sep 8 2009, 08:21 PM Post #6 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Narrator: Suddenly, a mob of cruel and merciless thugs began lining the road around BobBob! BobBob: Oh, hell. Boss: Hold it! If you dare lay a hand on this gentleman, I, Totally Not Copyrighted, will never forgive you! BobBob: “Gentleman”? TNC: You had the chance to break me into a pulp, but you didn’t. Why? BobBob: I’m here to help my father. When I was prepping my kick, I realized you must have a father too, and I didn’t want to sadden him. TNC: But you didn’t really hesitate to clobber my pals, huh? BobBob: I don’t think all that well under stress. Narrator: In those moments, the surrounding punks made a break for the shadows, making the scene much easier to animate. TNC: I see – you’re not just nice clothes and proper hygiene! You’re an honest-to-goodness gentleman. What’s your name? BobBob: Bob Bobberson! TNC: Mind if I call you BobBob? BobBob: Everyone else does. Anyways, I’m looking for a man who could dabble in oriental poisons. TNC: That rat? For the trouble I caused you, I’ll take you right to him! BobBob: Whoo-hoo! Deus plot Machina! Narrator: With aid from his newfound friend, BobBob found and apprehended the culprit who had sold Italian the poison. As quickly as they could, they returned to Bobberson Manor to await Italian’s return for the arrest. Italian: What? Why are the lights--?! BobBob: Italian! Italian: Oh! I… uhh… I see you returned from London. Alive. … Somehow. BobBob: Well, my name is in the title… Italian: … Good point! BobBob: As much as it pains me to do this – in spite of the fact you routinely beat me, psychologically tormented me, killed my dog, chased my girlfriend off, poisoned my dad… - no, y’know what? This causes me NO PAIN WHATSOEVER. You’re a dick. Dick. All I can say is don’t drop the soap, bitch. Italian: But, you see, I came back to turn myself in! BobBob: Say what now? Italian: Yes! See, I was born poor and dumb, so I had these foolish ambitions! However, I wanted a chance to redeem myself from these regretful mistakes. TNC: He’s lying through his teeth. BobBob: Yeah, he is. Italian: DAMN IT!!! TNC: I believe you’ve seen THIS little racially insensitive man? Chinaman: Hi, boss. Italian: Oh, for crap’s sake… okay, then! DIE!!! Narrator: Italian rushed headlong towards BobBob, holding a knife and the stone mask! However, before Italian could reach his intended target, Bill Bobberson intercepted the blade using his own body! BobBob: Father! TNC: No! Damn! Bill: I… am still… awesome. Narrator: Bill Bobberson… Deceased. Italian: Hah! Now the joke’s REALLY on you, BobBob! Now this stone mask will liberate me from my humanity! I WILL BECOME NOT ONLY THE MOST PRETTY – I’LL BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL! Narrator: Using Bill’s blood on the mask, Italian was changed from man to vampire! No, not those little pansies that sparkle in the sun. I’m talking about the type of vampire that to kill you need to plunge a wooden stake through their heart, cut off their head, burn it, bury the ashes at a crossroads and get burnt in the sun because they are so evil and corrupted that God Himself smites them for daring to walk in the light of day. THAT kind of vampire. Y’know, if shitty writers would stop romanticizing a creature that was never meant to be romanticized, I wouldn’t even need to explain this sort of thing, but noooooo nobody wants to do the research on the proper mythos, people just want to make it up as they go and— BobBob: Excuse me, whose game is this? Narrator: Oh. Right. Sorry about that. Italian’s a vampire now. Wryyy. Happy now? Italian: I’m ba-ack! Cops: Oh, poopy! BobBob: Oh no! TNC: He’s coming right for us!!! Italian: IT’S RAPING TIME!!! BobBob: No way! You don’t belong in this world, Italian! Italian: You are not going to make a Castlevania joke, are you? BobBob: No! The mask I was researching was a tool for breeding demons – so now I’ll send you to Hell! Italian: I’d like to see ya try, you pansy! -Level 6- Burning Manor Mission: Stop Italian’s rampage! This is one of the very, very few instances in the game where you’ll find the gun item – which has 10 shots, hits as hard as the other weapon items, but has infinite range so long as you’re lined up with the target. In this instance, there is only one target – Italian. He’s now, however, a lot faster and hits obscenely hard, quite capable of killing you in a meager three hits. Your advantage here is the gun item, which is plentiful because each time you wander from the left to the right or vice-versa, two guns spawn on either side. Abuse them. Otherwise, you’re inviting him to kill you. Once his health gets low enough, the stage will burst into flame and the guns will stop showing up. Instead, you’ll get a spear item and be chased up the stairs. There, continue to fight until the spear breaks (Italian should be near-dead) and you’ll be able to pick up a sword. The sword is a unique item as it never, ever breaks unlike the other items in-game. Use it and deliver the final blows! |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Sep 8 2009, 08:22 PM Post #7 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Narrator: The climactic clash of titans continued to escalate. TNC and the remaining officers fled the building as BobBob put his plan into motion. Italian: Hmph! You plan to burn down the whole building?! Are you mad?! BobBob: You and your dark powers must never be unleashed into this world! I mean, seriously “Local Antagonism” is bad enough, we don’t need vampire spin-off games! Italian: You’re the idiot who trapped himself UPSTAIRS! I mean, c’mon! Haven’t you ever seen even ONE slasher flick, BobBob?! You never, EVER go upstairs! Especially when falling from this fight WON’T HURT ME ONE BIT! BobBob: OH REALLY?! Narrator: In an amazing display of acrobatics, BobBob took Italian down a three-story drop! BobBob calls out to his father for strength – and subconsciously, the youth reacts to the terrain around him, the house that has been his home his entire life! He merely kicks the wall, but that kick was all it took! In one fine movement, BobBob skewered Italian over the statue of some love goddess! Don’t ask; just assume it’s always been there, though it has been in no way mentioned up until now. Then, with the last of his adrenaline-fueled power, BobBob leaps clear through a window and rolls safely onto some grass, before his concerned friend, TNC. TNC: Ah! Mr. Bobberson! You’re alive! Err… mostly! You’re victorious over the monster! What a happy day! Minus… y’know, the death of your father, the man raised as your brother and the house of your ancestors. But apart from that – what a joyous day! BobBob: My friend, you’re an idiot. *Cough*. Narrator: BobBob was in a deep sleep the next three days in the bed of a local hospital. TNC had to make up an elaborate story to prevent having to tell the truth about the stone mask or Italian, but they bought it and he was left at peace to heal from his own injuries. During his stint in the hospital, BobBob was reunited with his childhood love, Eraine Dickenson. They spent many days catching up on old times and BobBob recounting his excited battle at the manor. BobBob: No! Seriously! He put on this mask and when blood hit it, these bone blades smashed his head in but they made him a vampire! … Wow that does sound crazy when you say it out loud. Eraine: I’ll say! Narrator: Unfortunately, not all is well! Italian, unbeknownst to BobBob, survived the burning wreckage thanks to a pillar falling atop the statue. He now moves, severely crippled, recruiting evil men to fulfill his desires. Italian: Okay, guys, kicking puppies is NO LONGER sufficient to get into the club. It was impressive the first couple of times, but, really, we gotta move onto higher-tier stuff. Seriously. Narrator: Meanwhile, BobBob and Eraine examine the remains of the burnt Bobberson Manor. BobBob: “I’ll burn down the manor!” I said, “There’s no way he’ll survive that! I’ll be fine even without it!” I said. Fat lot of good that did me. Now I can’t find Italian’s corpse nor the stone mask. It’s just a damn good thing my family name is worth a lot around here or I’d really be shafted. Eraine: Honey, I think there’s a gay man watching us! BobBob: Hm. He certainly is eccentrically-dressed with that silly checkerboard pattern and over-the-top top hat, but how can you tell he’s merry at this distance? Eraine: No, I mean I think he’s a little queer. A little light in the loafers. BobBob: I’m afraid I don’t follow. Narrator: Without so much as twitching, the eccentric fellow went leaping into the air before landing before a very surprised BobBob. Man: Greetings! Narrator: And with one fine movement, used the momentum from his jump to kick BobBob right in the family jewels! BobBob: OOOOOH! SWEET BABIES!!! Eraine: Oh my goodness! BobBob! Are you alright?! How could you?! He was injured! Man: I am Baron Kaiser! Full name: Adrian Kaiser! As you’ll soon see, young BobBob is in no danger. BobBob: Uhh… h-he’s right! The pain in my arms is completely gone! Though I do have a newfound pain elsewhere that I don’t intend to thank you for… Adrian: Gone? Hardly! My friend, your breath has taken the pain away! I merely applied the pressure to empty your body of air and to begin breathing anew but the end result is very much a manifestation of YOUR potential. BobBob: You go around kicking dudes in the sack frequently? Adrian: Only when I’m really bored. More importantly – you cannot beat the creature of the stone mask by mere courage alone! Come with me, I’ll explain everything! Narrator: Adrian then explained this miracle energy – The Wake! The Wake is an energy called forth from the body’s cells by one’s breathing and badassery! The lungs are connected to the blood which is connected to the cells! As a result, all power stems from the lungs, which is then refined by feats of the badass nature. This power is forged by the will and given form much the same way a stone into a flat pond creates a wake – thus the wake creates a “wave”! The forms this energy can take are limitless and the only thing that can stand up against the stone mask’s demons. Thus, Adrian took BobBob in for intensive Wake Training! Adrian: The Wake is at its best when it’s refined and controlled! Watch! I can hit this frog atop a rock – shatter the rock but not even bother the frog! When you can do that, your training will be complete. BobBob: I’m gonna end up with a lot of frog guts on my hand, aren’t I? Adrian: I recommend gloves for this training, personally… Narrator: Over a week passed! Adrian: Hmph! Seems as though we have company, BobBob! BobBob: I feel it too… some of Italian’s zombie henchmen… Adrian: You’ve gotten a lot stronger, BobBob. Why don’t you test out the fruits of your training? BobBob: Which is your way of saying I’m on my own. Adrian: Yeeeeeeep! BobBob: *Sigh* -Level 7- Riverside Mission: Beat back the mindless zombies using your newfound power! This level introduces the new enemy – the zombie. Zombies are slow, but they hit harder than normal human-type enemies. Thankfully your special move is now WAY better than it was before, as it causes BobBob’s arms to stretch a short distance now (a technique seen in the manga, surprisingly). Other than that, you play largely the same way as you did before. Once you beat them all, the little Chinaman from before will return, wearing massive clawed gauntlets. He’s fast and aggravating, so feel free to spam your special – which does a ton of damage to him (since it does added damage to undead-type foes now, and EVERYTHING from here on out is undead). |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Sep 8 2009, 08:22 PM Post #8 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Narrator: A day’s ride south of London, through a single tunnel constructed over 500 years ago – which randomly has a sword in the ceiling that we’re going to quickly gloss over – lies the town of Wingknights! Surrounded by mountains and sea, the town was thought literally impenetrable before the era of air travel! It was originally constructed a place to train knights, but now (circa 1888 AD) it has a massive underground prison in it! BobBob: Oi! Whose game is this?! Narrator: Hmph. I was trying to share something educational! TNC: Well, don’t! We have to find and stop Italian once and for all! Narrator: Barbarians. Very well! Through the tunnel to Wingknights rode BobBob, TNC and Adrian towards the final battle! Wingknights! Population 517! This town will soon… CEASE TO EXIST! TNC: Someone’s having fun, it seems. BobBob: Mm. Hey, why have we stopped, Adrian? TNC: Tch. Lazy freaking driver. I’ll tell him to step on it. Narrator: When TNC glanced out the window, he was shocked to see— TNC: Rain? Adrian: We’re in a tunnel, Copyrighted. It can’t possibly be rain. Also, you putz, it’s red. BobBob: Aww, hell. TNC: Hey! Coachman! Adrian: He’s probably already dead. BobBob: Wait here, TNC, the sun can’t reach us here – so Adrian and I will go see what’s up! Narrator: The found not only the coachman, but also the horses dead. Adrian: Yep. Dozens of surgical scalpels in them. Also their heads are missing. I’ve seen this before. More than likely dead. BobBob: … Man: A-WOOGIE-WOOGIE-WOOGIE!!! Narrator: A strange man burst from the shadows, several knives in hand! Jack the Ripper – made Italian’s zombie slave! He then flees from Adrian’s Wake attack towards a cave carved right into the wall! BobBob: Let’s go after him! Adrian: Hold it! I have to make this way harder than it is! BobBob will go alone! BobBob: Why now of all times?! Adrian: … because, uhh… because… well… y’know… the… uhh… of, uhh… the Vikings… and… stuff… TNC: Oh! I know! It must be because the saying “The harsh North Winds created the valorous Vikings”, right?! Adrian: Right! That’s why! You have to go through hard stuff to… get stronger, I guess. That’s good enough. Here. Take this wine— TNC: You can’t have alcohol in a Nintendo game! Adrian: Okay, take this grape juice then. Do not spill a drop of it. If you do, you’re on your own. BobBob: Oh, well, fuck you too. Adrian: It’ll prove you’re a man or something, okay? Just roll with it. BobBob: Cripes. Fine, fine. I’m goin’, I’m goin’… -Level 8- The Tunnel Mission: Destroy Jack the Ripper! This level has an interesting gimmick in that it’s fought in an irregular corridor, and Jack leaps all over the damn place. Your sole sources of light are the periodic torches and you’ll notice an icon of a glass of grape juice at the bottom of the screen. As you jump, use specials or get knocked over, it rocks a bit. You also have to worry about your general health and lives but that’s not nearly as liable to kill you as the glass will – since it spilling restarts the mission and heals Jack. So… yeah. Have fun. Also, Jack’s most annoying attack is when he flexes his overly-manly muscles and fires scalpels all over the damn place. It’s a nightmare to avoid. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Sep 8 2009, 08:23 PM Post #9 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Adrian: Fantastic! You understood the meaning of the wine! Well done, BobBob, well done! TNC: So, you weren’t just doing an asspull? Adrian: Err… of course not. *Cough*. TNC: So, can I learn the Wake? Adrian: No. TNC: Why not? Adrian: I learned it after spending years in a Tibetan Monastery that has 5000 years of history. BobBob can keep up the breathing AND badassitude because of the heavy burden of his past and uncertain future. TNC: WTF, man? I grew up on the streets of London and if you’ve ever heard that Roger Whittaker song, you know that’s a rough past! Adrian: Well, if you’re THAT determined I could try to stimulate the diaphragm and try to set it into motion… It’ll hurt a little. TNC: That’s fine! I’ll do anything I can to help! Narrator: Adrian then attempted to teach Totally Not Copyrighted the Wake. The hard way. TNC: OH SWEET BABIES!!! Adrian: Whoops. I think I was a little off on my kick. TNC: WHAT?! Adrian: Err… oh! Hey! BobBob’s back! Fantastic. Let’s head into Wingknights and find Italian. TNC: *Whimper* Narrator: Upon entering Wingknights, the trio sees the people still at work in their fields and at their trades. BobBob: What a relief. The people seem to be okay. Narrator: However, all is not well, as some nameless brat uses a needlessly complex contraption that would seem very obtuse on the days when there wasn’t a group of outsiders coming into town that day and stole BobBob’s money bag! TNC: Ooooooh, I think TNC’s gonna have to choke a bitch! Adrian: Calm down. He’s fast, but he’s swimming cross the stream. We have a faster way of catching up! Narrator: using the amazing plot power that is the Wake, Adrian and BobBob run across the surface of the water – using the wake’s power to polarize their feet to the surface of the water, much like putting the same-charged ends of magnets together to walk safely across! With a firm focus and calm thinking, BobBob catches the little runt. TNC: Hah! Nice job! Should we break his neck? BobBob: Maybe later. Boy: Oooh… where am I? Adrian: Hm. He seems to have been hypnotized. Narrator: Suddenly, BobBob and co realized they were in a dark valley and the sun had set! Just as suddenly, the shadowy figure of Italian Englishman stood over them. Italian: WHAT TIME IS THAT FUNKY TIME?! TNC: Oh, damn it to hell. He really IS alive and well… Italian: SURPRISE ZOMBIE TIME!!! BobBob: That doesn’t sound good. Italian: For you, yes. For me... Well, I just saw a mom eat her baby, so I'm doing just dandy. Narrator: Just then, a legion of murderous zombies rose from their graves to assault BobBob, including two large knights! Italian: It’s a good thing I know a lot of random, useless British trivia! These two knights were in the service of the late Mary Stuart, who is now enjoying a pleasant breeze around her neck if you get what I mean. Ha-ha-ha! I crack me up. Anyways, this one with the pretty hair is Turkey and the big guy is Buffalo. TNC: I would just like to interject that that’s rather unlikely as both animals were first found by the Europeans in North America. Italian: Shut up and fight me. -Level 9- Wake of Flame! In my Left Hand! Mission: Beat back the zombies and send Turkey back to the grave! This level is awesome. It easily has the best music in the game and you get to let loose on some zombies. Can you really ask for anything more? The normal zombies flood you for a while and when you beat the last one, it’ll suddenly get blown in half as Turkey leaps onscreen with a terribly-rendered “WRYYYYY!” cry. Turkey uses his hair as his primary weapon, in addition to holding a FREAKING SWORD in it, which gives him absolutely broken stats in terms of hitting power and range. Your best bet is to jump kick in, then hit him with your special move over and over. Good luck, you’ll need it. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Jeff | Sep 8 2009, 08:23 PM Post #10 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Narrator: The amazing fight between champions of two different ages raged with unparalleled fury! Turkey grabbed BobBob and dragged them into the lake! Turkey: Ha-ha-haa! It’s such a good thing that elements like hair power and fighting underwater totally don’t be recycled later in this series. Come now! Your weakness is your breath and mine, all this heavy equipment. Show me what you can do! Narrator: A normal man would think of nothing but reaching the surface! Instead, BobBob, probably due to severe oxygen deprivation, began recalling his childhood. Bill Bobberson: What’s wrong, BobBob? Jotaro is trying to take your toy rifle and won’t let go? Well, how about instead of pulling, try letting him think you’re giving it to him. Eraine: You didn’t have to protect me. You just got yourself beat up. Italian: Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! THUMB IN THE EYEBALL! Random Guys: Wow, BobBob sucks. Let’s not play with him anymore! TNC: Wow. His past really DID suck. Adrian: Tell me about it. Narrator: But the feelings of anger from his previous abuses inspire an acute sense of awesome. He sees below a patch of coal! BobBob: Hey! Below that are pockets where air got trapped between the rocks! And to think Italian said those geology courses would never pay off! Well he can SUCK IT! Narrator: With a single punch, BobBob releases the probably-stagnant air, but since it’s better than nothing, he accepts it. BobBob: Wow, it smells like squid snot. Oh well. BADASS WAKE TECHNIQUE TURQUOISE OVERDRIVER! Turkey: OW! MY FACE! Narrator: Turkey, driven by blind rage for having his bitching headpiece blown in half, along with several facial features, hurls BobBob from the lake into a nearby tree and begins trying to strangle him with his hair! BobBob: Well, at least it’s better than the tree rape scene from Evil Dead. Turkey: YOU. DIE. NOW. Narrator: Turkey slashes his massive sword at BobBob, but the youth is prepared for this, kicking it in midswing. BobBob: SILVER-RAY OVERDRIVER KICK!!! Turkey: WHAT?! A RAVE MASTER REFERENCE?! NO!!! Narrator: With a surprising burst of power, Turkey had his arm blown clear off his body! He loses focuses and BobBob breaks free from the hair constraints. BobBob: DIDN’T LIKE THAT ONE?! THEN HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?! TAIYOOOOOH! Narrator: BobBob unleashes a flurry of brutal punches, driving the once-proud knight back through the air! Turkey: Oh, son of a BITCH, that’s gonna leave a mark. BobBob: Huh? Turkey: This mere pain won’t stop me! BobBob: Pain? You’re feeling pain? The other zombies… TNC: I see! The ripple destroys the darkness and brings forth the awesome. Turkey is dying, but it brought forth the pure memories of being alive again! What a fantastic ability! It’s so amazing, I’m sure it’ll never be replaced by anything! BobBob: … Adrian: … TNC: What? Narrator: Turkey, suddenly remembering his humanity, is moved to tears. Turkey: Amazing! 300 years after my death, there’s a warrior such as you! Please, sir. Tell me your name. BobBob: My name is Robert Bobberson! Turkey: Fantastic! Warrior of 300 Years! Sir Robert! Take my sword and the word enscribed on it! BobBob: It says “FUCK”. Turkey: WHAT?! It’s supposed to say… OH! Real mature, Buffalo! Buffalo: Haw! Turkey: Here, I’ll fix that. Narrator: Using his own blood to stain the handle, Turkey inscribes the word “COURAGE”. BobBob: Thank you, Turkey. I’ll never forget you. Turkey: Never lose your path, my friend. BobBob: I wouldn’t worry. I’m sure I have a long and fulfilling life ahead of me. Adrian: How did he get "Courage" our of "Fuck" TNC: Kinda like how I was able to win at Scrabble with a set of letters all in Qs, Cs, and vowels. Narrator: And with that, Turkey returned to the dust of the Earth, flowers having taken root over his remains as he goes to join his queen. Buffalo: WHAT TIME IS THAT TIME?! BobBob: Oh, shitkicker. Narrator: Buffalo, having not wasted an emotional moment to get a cheap shot at BobBob, rushes him even over his friend’s last remains. BobBob: And besides, we used that joke last level! Buffalo: Who cares? YOU DIE! Adrian: Oh, screw this noise. Let’s find a more suitable fighting arena. This one’s a little corpse-y. BobBob: LIFE MAGNET WAKE! Narrator: Using a pile of leaves, Adrian and BobBob’s wakes form a boat, parasails for the heroes and a few Hawaiian dancing girls to fly across Wingknights and arrive at ancient ruins where the ancient knights used to train. TNC: Ever since I came back with BobBob weird shit’s been going down WAY too often and since we have a couple chapters before anything exciting happens, where’d you get those awesome powers, Adrian? Adrian: In a flashback. BobBob: The monster was your father, you saw a miracle concerning the Wake and your fate is to die to raise up a new champion. Adrian: !!! Y-you… how’d you know? BobBob: Every shounen manga uses that plotline. It’s not like it was unexpected or anything. Adrian: Well, at the very least, it saves me some breath. BobBob: We can fight him in the ruins without endangering anyone who happens too close. TNC: That’s needlessly dangerous… let’s do it! Adrian: Watch out! It’s Buffalo! Buffalo: I’M BAAAAAAAACK!!! -Level 10- The Room of Bright Colors and Fluffy Pillows Decapitation! Mission: Take down Buffalo once and for all! This fight is half mini-game, half one-on-one battle against Buffalo. You fight with massive collars around your neck and if Buffalo will occasionally start backing up, dragging you away from him, so you have to play a quick time event mini-game in order to drag Buffalo’s ass back into beating range. You have to fail a LOT in order to end up in a dangerous situation, so you should be fine. You also get to use the sword Turkey gave you from here on out, so immediately grab it to start and let into him! |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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8:04 PM Nov 26
