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| Traveling the World of Non Sequitur!; Jeff Plays Illusion of Gaia | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 19 2009, 05:21 PM (410 Views) | |
| Rem | Aug 31 2009, 07:41 PM Post #11 |
Why yes, I do like snickerdoodles.
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I hate fillers and fillings. :| Except when they're in pie! |
 Have you ever wondered what color air is? | |
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| Jeff | Sep 3 2009, 11:02 AM Post #12 |
Destroyer of Worlds
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I'm not going to lie to you, that of the 50 screenshots here, most are abridging the annoyingly long filler arc. Yes a video game has FILLER ARCS. Seriously, say what you will about Metal Gear Solid cutscenes or fetch quests but you have not seen filler until you spend a solid 45 minutes of the game with the retarded main characters spouting off nonsense and dialog stiff enough you could hit and summarily kill someone with it. I'd rather be doing fetch quests, but there's ONLY ONE IN THE GAME and all it gets you is a red jewel. So, yeah. But, hey, there's one good dungeon in here... just try to stay awake until then. >:[ I've been the one killing the monsters and demons with a FLUTE and risking my life to save YOUR asses from the word "go". The only way I've "grown" is in sheer AWESOME.  Oh. Right. The tunnel thing. Sure, let's do that. Anything to get the hell out of here.  ... Why are we still here? Why couldn't it have just been an extension of the Mu dungeon? At least then I could grind alittle. But, no. They insist on sitting around and making the script worse with each passing moment. So, screw this, let's go find some food.  PERFECT! Most mushrooms are poisonous! I'll be rid of them all for sure this time!!! Regrettably, this failed, so I mashed the "B" button until something interesting-looking happened.  Ahh! Here we go! ... Nope. More filler.  Kind of how I feel about this LP at this point. ... OH! WAIT! SOMETHING EXCITING! A weird noise is heard in the cave and the adventure music starts! Now to kick some ass, right?!  WTF is Riverson? Well, they don't say it in a direct fashion, but it was the giant fish that ate Seth. So, apparently, Riverson's right above us. Maybe I get to kill it! Or, at the very least, see it this time.  Wha--?    ... I'm stunned. Seth gets eaten by a fish... and wakes up... as... either the fish itself or another like him, the dialog here is fuzzy at best. And Riverson talks to him too? Just... what the hell? I think the worst thing from this scene is when Erik freaks out and mentions that Seth isn't human anymore and Neil actually gets pissed off at him, and rebukes him by saying "Only humans think human form is the best". NO FUCKING DUH, SHERLOCK. We're PEOPLE. Therefore we like to be around other PEOPLE. I'm sure there's some small percentage out there that would be content as a whale/fish monstrosity but then again there are people dumb enough to do ANYTHING. Law of averages, babies. After that... well, I have no other term for it non-sequitur from which we'll never hear again, we end the monotony of the cave.  Or at least, it sure FELT that long. We surface near a place called the angel village which apparently doesn't like visitors (but never stop you from visiting... huh). Well, we take up residence in the visitor's hole, like we haven't had enough caves for one lifetime. I ask around to see if any of these retards will give me some info. Unfortunately, Kara bailed on us to go see the "Angels" and by "Angels" I mean "Really stupid, shallow plot device".  Word, bro. Get her some flowers or something.  You're retarded. Shut up. Screw you guys, I'll go rescue Kara on my own then.  STFU.  There's really nothing noteworthy in this cave until you tell the guard you know how the painter guy is (I can't remember his name, it's used like twice in the game, so who cares?). The "Angels" are evolved humans who were changed by the light of the  Skipping that... THING, I don't know, we go into a little cave segment where all the enemies are palette swaps of the first dungeon's and the gimmick is really stupid. I'll spare you the mind-numbingly dull details because I want to beat this game sometime this century.  WHO FRAMED KARA?!  This douche did. He's a painter with the inadequately explored power to trap people in paintings he does of them. It's heavily implied he did the same to several of the angels here but their all douchebags so, again, who cares? He challenges you to a series of riddles in exchange for Kara's freedom. I'll spare you the details and just give the answers in order: The jar changed color The jars changed color Contents of the chest changed The wind stopped blowing Will's hair around Seriously. Then you get magic dust which you sprinkle on the picture and *sigh* kiss it. I swear I'm not making this up. Did I mention a novelist worked on this game?   AS YOU DAMN WELL SHOULD BE. BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT?! TRY BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR DUNGEON!!! Fuck this. Let's go to level 4.  At the next town, called Watermia, you befriend a local and get to borrow his house during your stay. Suffice it to say, your allies are as useless as ever and only serve to stifle the flow of gameplay.  Though I have to say that Watermia is probably the most aesthetically-pleasing town in the game. That's... kinda sad, guys.  Some fantastic advice for the kiddies at home, playing Nintendo. Anyways, I eventually find Lance in one of the houses.  Will: He's your father, isn't he? Lance: He's my--... damn it! So much for a dramatic reveal.  He's slightly more useful than most of the other NPCs in this game. That is to say he shuts up quickly. Then we throw Lilly a birthday party! ... I wish I was making that up to make fun of how STUPID some of these elements have been... but... no. I am 100% serious.    Dear Enix, I don't care. Your pal, Jeff  Anyways, Lance realizes we have a plot to progress (finally) and he bails to go to the Great Wall of China... which, might I add, DID NOT EXIST AT THE SAME TIME AS THE TOWER OF BABEL. In fact, the Tower of Babel was erected well before ANY OTHER PLACE IN THE GAME had been! Human civilization hadn't spread out at all, that's why they wanted the damn tower so bad! Not to mention the tower was DESTROYED before it was ever finished, but, what the hell, Enix? Your mockery of Judeo-Christian beliefs has only just begun and I plan to see your sick little mindgame through to the end, so let's do it.  By the way, when did I wind up in Asia?  The Great Wall is a fairly straight-forward dungeon in execution. While Mu was a big round-a-bout circle, the wall mostly goes forward, but with numerous floors. The only thing worth mentioning is that Will gets his last (and second-most useless ability) here.  No. Piss off.  Spin Dash lets Will... spin. Spin around. Right round. Right-round-round-round. Like a record, baby. Right-round-round-round. And then you can dash really fast in one of the compass directions. This will be used at the Great Wall and the next dungeon and that's basically it. Also, it's basically impossible to aim in combat, so don't worry.  Once you have the Spin Dash, the dungeon becomes insultingly short, climaxing in the fast but none-too-dangerous Sand Fanger. It actually took me a few tries to get a good screen cap of him! Anyways, you're obligated to do this boss as Will as there's no known way to get Freedan to this area courtesy of the stupid triangle blocks you need Spin Dash to get over that, in real life, wouldn't really hinder anyone from getting past. The Sand Fanger is remarkably dull and easy and tends to keep to a single, 2D plane and spams the same three moves over and over again. Leap into the air, then dive. Leap into the air and go left/right then dive. Poop out tiny, inefficient baby Sand Fangers. Just whack him to death.  Yay! We're almost to the end of this game!  Good to see you're okay. And he got the medicine for his grandpa from... SOMETHING from the Sand Fanger. The less I know about it, the better. I'm leaving.  Will: You guys coming or what? Anyways, I'm cutting out the next section because it's a remarkable dull, fixed mini-game that you'd have to be retarded to lose. "Win" and you'll get for Kruks. What's a Kruk?  THESE Kangaroo/Goat abominations! However, we only have four Kruks but we have Will, Kara, Erik, Lance, Lilly AND Neil!  ... Well that was dramatically convenient.  ... Euro? Seriously? Are you guys even trying anymore?  Okay, I have to admit, those things are kinda cool, actually...  'k lol. I'm gonna raid your house and city for any red jewels it might have lying around!  Ah-hah. Ha-ha-ha. Rolek. Get it? Like Rolex? Only copyright-friendly? ... Somebody please shoot me. Euro is a dirty city with lots of illegal happenings, almost all of which revolve around the sale of laborers which, apparently, became illegal while Will was underground for months on end. There's lots of little secrets (most of which are pointless/useless) but if you don't talk to just about every schmuck in the city, you'll miss something here. The plot just... stops all of the sudden. Not that it had a whole lot of momentum this update but, still, it's kind of jarring. You gotta explore until you find an old couple bitching over nothing.   Okay, that's fine. What's that got to do with me? Well, everything, unfortunately, since the game stops until you do this mission. Why? Hell if I know, but are you really going to try and drag logic into this mess NOW of all times? I mean, really? Anyways, we're going to the Mountain Temple atop Mount Kress to find a... teapot, apparently. This damn well better give me the potential to ruin someone's life or at least break their spirit!!!  Hoo boy. This brings back memories. All of them bad. This is where we'll pick up next time! See you then! |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Sean | Sep 3 2009, 11:07 AM Post #13 |
The ⑥of Four Against Nature
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YAY FOR PADDING GAME LENGTH! |
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| Jeff | Sep 4 2009, 06:28 PM Post #14 |
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Destroyer of Worlds
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 As you might've gathered from the screen shots of it thus far, Mount Kress is somewhat difficult to comment on. It's like something H. R. Giger throws up after Halloween night. The worst part is is that the unique and attention-commanding art style is thrown away because the enemies are so stock. Spiders, skulls and... this... gay piper guy, I have no earthly idea on that one. Also, the entire dungeon is just... really... weak. It seems maze-like up until you realize that, with careful planning (or, hell, even wild mass guessing) you'll end up on the right track.  Find mushroom drops, use them:  On places like this to find the next mushroom drops and do it again... and again... and again. Have mercy. EVENTUALLY after doing this 3-5 times you find... a teapot. Yeah. That was totally worth that. Oh, and you get Freedan's 2nd and ultimately most-useless attack in the game.  It's performed more or less the same way as Spin Dash, except it throws two blue panels out that slowly circle Freedan and hit enemies that would already be in range to hit with your FREAKING SWORD! This attack is such a space-holder. Weak. Anyways, we got what we wanted, let's go solve this nonsense "puzzle".   USE -> TEAPOT -> NEIL'S PARENTS  *Sigh*. You guys again? Seriously?  Wow. You Moon Tribe guys are the biggest dicks in this game. And seeing as how I'm still here, that says something.  Shut it. Don't care. You had your chance for character development before the Jeffbird planes. Time's up.  Long since ceased caring.  Oh? Is it the Jackal after several in-game MONTHS of vaguely threatening me? 'bout damn time.   Why! It's Hamlet Pigglesworth Esq. III! Happy days have come at long last!!! Ruins, eh? Maybe a Mystic Statue is there! Let's go!  No one seems to be home... let's have a look around.  Encouraging.  The only other thing here is these stone triplet statues. ... Heeeeey~ guys, check it out. ... No. No, no, no. I refuse to make that joke again. So, we decide to hijack a hut and get some sleep!   That didn't go quite as planned.  Why, I say, Mr. Hamlet Pigglesworth Esq. III, what ever is the matter? Do you have some sort of plan?  NOOOOOOO!!! HAMLET PIGGLESWORTH ESQ III!!! WHYYYY?!     !!! MY MOTHER'S SPIRIT WAS RIDING INSIDE OF THE PIG?! ... THAT MAKES ALMOST AS LITTLE SENSE OF NEON GENESIS EVANGELION!!!  By "combine your strength" you mean "make Will do the work", right?    Didn't we establish this from the first dungeon in the game? By the way, mama, what DID happen to you? Unfortunately, she beats it and we're left with no definitive answer.  HAAAAAAMLEEEEEEEEEET!!! I SHALL GET THE   As you might've imagined, this late in the game, the creators were pretty idea-bankrupt. The enemies here are just weird, particularly the eyeless/earless/noseless stretch-neck guys. You have to wait for them to throw their heads out and destroy them by hitting them three times before you can attack and destroy the main body. Ankor Wat, much like Mount Kress, is difficult to comment on because of how bland it is. There's ONE interesting room. One.  It's hard to tell, but the floor is full of worms who go "Oof!" when you step on them. Funny for about 30 seconds until you realize this room is a complete waste of time. The only other noteworthy thing is Freedan's last technique.  Earthquaker is... well, pretty self-explanatory. Jump from a cliff and attack. When you hit the ground, the vibrations will stun the enemies. Useful in exactly one (1) spot in this dungeon.  Unfortunately, we can't just dart to the end here. The crystals will blind us which, needless to say, makes this quite a challenge. Ready for the last freaking game-extension Enix throws at us?!  PIXEL HUNTING IN A HUGE FREAKING FIELD! Seriously, we have to find the one glowy spot on a map big enough to sport the biggest number of enemies thus far (40). Enix. Die.    Later~  You do not look like a Mystic Statue.  Disembodied voice, I'm like 18 at oldest. If you've been waiting THAT long... well, you're a retard. Why didn't you come to me?  Will: Well... okay. But last time this happened to me, I opened my eyes to someone mooning me.  Will: What the--? Voice: Whoops! Wrong image. One moment, please.  Will: My God! It's Sim City! Voice: No, that's an LP for another day.   YES. BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THE EVILS OF CAPITALISM AND HUMANITY HAVE DESTROYED ALL OF THE FORESTS AND THAT WE BUILD ROADS ON RIVERBEDS OH WAIT NO THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Fuck you, Enix.  With what?  THAT IS NOT A MYSTIC STATUE!  Statue: PLEH! What're you doing, stupid?! Will: Sorry, no one told me exactly how this was supposed to work! Kara and Erik come to bug me some more. Speaking of which, Erik, why are you still here?   Sure, if it gets this game over any faster.  The final human settlement in the game! Here, we ran into Neil who simply told us of a nearby pyramid, and I got a letter from my grandparents who've heard nothing from me for like six months even though this all started with DELIVERING A FREAKING PIECE OF JEWELRY TO A CASTLE A DAY'S WALK AWAY FROM HOME. Damn it! Anyways, with these new items in hand, we prepare ourselves for the pyramid and-- hey, wait... HOW THE HELL DID I WALK FROM CAMBODIA TO EGYPT LIKE THAT?! DAMN YOU, ENIX!!! See you all next time. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Root | Sep 4 2009, 06:43 PM Post #15 |
The Speaker for the Dead
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Pyramid? Is it like the Pyramid in 'A Link to the Past'? Because I liked the music there
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Does being the only sane one make me the insane one, in a sort of way? Though my eyes could see, I was still a blind man; Though my mind could think, I still was a madman... "Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run...there's still time to change the road you're on" | |
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| Jeff | Sep 4 2009, 11:49 PM Post #16 |
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Destroyer of Worlds
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Welcome to the (Thankfully) last update of this game. Ironically, this is the shortest fully completed LP to date and second-shortest in total compared only to the tech-foul up Legaia LP, just for fun facts. Let's not waste any time. I love what you've done with the place! ... Nothing, apparently. I'm pretty sure these textures were used in a different dungeon.  The enemies here range from stereotypical mummies, bird-headed guards and... these orbs. That shoot ANCIENT EGYPTIAN LASER BEAMS!!! I'm not joking.  Here, we get a very nice gift. Unfortunately, that requires talking to *sigh* Gaia. Gaia: This is like the second time I've gotten to speak all LP! Jeff: STFU. Cough it up.   The aura is a unique item that can only be used when in our ultimate form - the new statue on our right. Let's go say hello!  You and everyone else. Take a number.  Wouldn't that make you evil/retarded or whatever?  Will: Good enough for me! Jeff: You're all idiots.  Shadow is like Freedan, only better. In fact, that's basically all Shadow is, sans the aura. The aura lets Shadow liquefy and dive for a moment, avoiding possible harm. Unfortunately, these process takes a tedious 6 seconds, meaning that by the time you surface the enemy is probably sitting on you anyways and you'll probably take collision damage anyways. But it does have one other use.  In this one - AND ONLY THIS ONE - dungeon, Shadow can dive through floors to arrive at lower ones. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.  The gimmick is that, below the main room, there are six paths, each leading to one hieroglyph. We need all six to proceed.  Let's see... we have a bird, a... I'm guessing that's a snake and a VW Bug, an amoeba over a key, Homer Simpson burping, a slightly different bird and a pile of rocks! This must be an elaborate puzzle, right? ... Have you been paying ANY attention to this game at all? No. it's not a puzzle. The order you get the rocks in from left to right is the EXACT SAME ORDER YOU PLACE THEM IN. Once again, even though this is the penultimate dungeon, the game holds your hands in case stupid baby as a hard time with putting the pretty pictures in the right order.   Noteworthy gimmicks this time around include: spikes that move up and down, hidden staircases in coffins, and switches that you hit in order to move ahead. Yeah, took a real genius to design THIS dungeon, didn't it? Time to skip ahead a little bit to when we're about to place the 6th tablet.  Will: 'k!  Jeff:   Will: 'k! Jeff: Times like these makes me wish FAN had the :downs: emoticon. Will: ???  You read the game script? Must be an insomnia sufferer.  Even pizza at half price!  That makes absolutely no sense! I'm not even joking here! That means that Edward PLANNED on Kara helping will escape, run away with him and spend the next six months wandering around looking for something most people didn't think even existed! Not to mention the sheer number of spots where following Will would've been simply impossible (Neil's airplane? Mu? Anyone?). Did I mention yet a novelist wrote this game's story? 'Cuz one did.  Yeah, probably. But since you're a Dio Brando-wanna-be with no legitimate backstory who's been allegedly shadowing us from day two of our adventure, I can't say I'm going to feel ANY sympathy for what I'm about to do to you.  We're already past the point of no return as of the Angel Village, lol!   Getting Lola's Melody: About 5 minutes into the game. Number of uses: 3. My analysis: WTF?  Will: Wow. Good thing I fire-proofed my hair!  Jackal: NO! MY MULLET!!!  Sadly, I sort of consider that the game's climax.  http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HumansAreBastards  Outside, a new gate formed. However, I have a bit more common sense than to use Will of all people. The guide recommends Freedan but screw that. It's Shadow time! WHERE'S THAT -DAMN- FIFTH MYSTIC STATUE?!  Sadly, the best-looking woman in the game tries to murder you, gradually bio-degrades into a monster as you beat on her and has been dead for over 5000 years. The Mummified Queen is a bitch. She basically gets hit, splits into 6-8 shadows and tries to just swarm you. This can get quite annoying and use of the Aura mostly incites her to sit on your head, which will hurt you. Just keep up the pain and learn to dodge fast and you should be okay.   Me: I haven't died AT ALL, I've used ONE HERB to this point... why did you ever doubt me? Flute: Err... well, it's time. Come to the Tower of Babel and finish this game. Will: Yaaaaay!  Fly, damn it!   On the way, Erik, Neil and Kara wish Will good luck before he bails with a parachute and enters the final dungeon.  Will: Arguably the dumbest thing I've ever done. Jeff: Understatement of the year.  The tower is, at least, imposing. Unfortunately, they used the same "Mysterious Cave" music they've used since the damn Moon Tribe Camp! Bastards.  For some reason, statues of Freedan are inside the tower up until the highest levels. Why? I don't know. Who cares?  A spike trap you literally CAN NOT walk into. What's the point? See above answer.   When you try to enter the door, you'll bounce off and the Crystal Ring pops out of the flute. Wearing it lets you go in. That's its sole purpose in the entire game. Plot device. Do I even need to say anything?  ... OH. HELL. NO.  Will: How'd you get up here without a ring? Kara: The one I stole from the queen of the Incas! Will: Hurray for grand theft! Unfortunately, this is where the game decides it's quite done holding your hand and has decided to throw you face-first into Hell with a BOSS RUSH!  Castoth! The same as before, but worse because of that STUPID FREAKING FLAME THAT CIRCLES THE ARENA!!! It's his ONLY move of any merit, damn it!!! At least we get to be Shadow in these fights.  Viper! Who's even EASIER now thanks to the aura.  Vampire couple. Much easier as Shadow.  Sand Fanger. Insultingly easy as Shadow. Then we re-fight the Mummy Queen. Fuck her. Seriously. I went through hell and high water due to the fact the game QUITS HEALING YOU after Viper. Enix, I'm glad to know our hatred is, at least, mutual.  Yaaaay! There's those non-sequiturs this LPs named for! Now fuck off!  There's that Shadow statue I promised.  Awkward. Will: Wow, dad. You've lost weight. A lot of weight. Olman: Harr-harr-harr.  Talk, talk, talk. Will: This could be important! Jeff: In this game? Unlikely. Let's get to the roof and do this shit.  This part is also another flagrant flaunting of the author's prejudices. Souls of the departed come to see you off, including Neil's parents, a cancer patient, Will's father and... Hamlet. And Will has the balls to say: Will: Of course, there's no difference in animals and humans. Jeff: ... I'll spare you all a long, very complicated and potentially controversial rant and just say "Enix. Fuck yourself. Thank you." Anyways, they all do FINAL FUSION and we get this:    MAGICAL FROG STATUES! LEND ME YOUR POWAH! KERO-KERO!!!  Jeff: In short: we're fucked. Shadow: STFU.  CUE NEEDLESSLY LONG, ALLEGEDLY-DRAMATIC FLIGHT SCENE! Seriously, how can anyone take this game seriously? I kinda zoned out as soon as they said the Incans fled the Spanish to a "new world".  What in the nine burning hells is THAT?! Shadow: KILL IT WITH FIREBIRDS!!!  Chaos Comet: Face. That's my name for it, anyways, since the guide leaves you hanging after the flight here. It has one attack - spit up a neon-green radioactive loogey, which rains across the screen. Hit it when it's mouth is open then spam aura until the green rain stops. Repeat. You win! Yes, it's THAT easy.  Shadow: What the f--? Jeff: That form?!  Jeff: YOU--?! Gaia: THAT'S RIIIIGHT! Jeff: That's impossible! Gaia: Oh, it's very possible. Has anything ELSE in this game made sense?! Jeff: Grr... Gaia: That's right! I'm back and better than ever! You thought Jeffbird could kill ME?! HAH!!! Jeff: Well, for a moment there... yeah. Yeah, I did. Gaia: WELL IT DIDN'T! I hitched a ride on this passing comet and decided to show you TRUE evolutionary power. EVERYTHING UP UNTIL THIS VERY MOMENT... EVERYTHING... HAS BEEN FOR MY REVENGE! Jeff: So the Chaos Comet's light of evolution... THE TIME TRANS?! Gaia: HAH! So you understand the predicament the world's in? Jeff: Every time YOU evolved something, it came out stupid and horrible... it all makes sense now! Gaia: Precisely. And now your Getter Empress has gone to Getter Valhalla, it's just you... me... and protagonist makes three. Jeff: You're just another interstellar threat I need to swat - like Lavos, the Mana Beast and Bolbox. Time to say "Goodbye" for the last time, "honey"! Chaos Comet Phase 2: Chaos Gaia. If you watch yourself, this fight is easy, especially with Shadow's firebird attack. Her fastest move is to release bubbles. You can dispatch of these easily. Periodically, the "branches" on the sides will fire electric blasts, so use the aura to duck those, since they hurt a lot. Eventually, she'll briefly open her mouth, allowing you to hit her 3-5 times. Then use aura and duck her light attack. Now! Let's embarrass this EXTRA-TRANSVESTITE!!!  Shadow: We got 'er! Jeff: BOOM! BACKHAND, BITCH! Gaia: NOOOOOOOO!!! NOT AGAIN! Jeff: SUPREME FINISHER! G. B. 2. /KITCHEN!!! Gaia: WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!  Will: Can we have a moment... alone? Jeff: Sure thing. I just need to take out the trash.  Olman: You saved that world. Will & Kara: Woot! Olman: But now, since the comet is gone, the world and history itself have taken a completely new turn. Will: So, we basically... ... wait, what DID we do? I mean, the comet was just screwing with the gene pool, right? Olman: No. For some arbitrary reason, time and space got raped and now what little we established was all for naught and like millions of years have randomly passed. Don't sweat it, we don't even try to explain it. Will: You can't do that! Olman: Why not? It's a perfectly acceptable solution to the given scenario! Will: No it's not! That's a cop-out ending! It's pushing the "Reset" button! The only way you could make this worse is if "IT WAS ALL A DREAM"! You're screwing the player and the potential audience over! Olman: I'm dead. It's your problem now, son. Will: FUCK!!!  Olman: Unfortunately, they won't get passed Mars, like, ever because they're fairly certain there's no dragons or green-skinned space babes. It was kind of a silly thing to try in the first place, huh? Will: I REITERATE MY PREVIOUS COMPLAINTS!!! Olman: Look at your map. Will: Eh?  Will: ... The continents reshaped themselves. Olman: Yep! Will: ... and my map magically reshaped itself to accommodate. Olman: Yep! Will: Jeff was right, this game makes no sense. Jeff: Thank you. Olman: Eh, whatcha gonna do?  Will: Preferably when I get back to the breathable atmosphere. Olman: Eh. Not our problem. C'mon, honey, let's bail. Shira: Word. Kara: Well... if we're done explaining all of NOTHING...   Jeff: D'aww. As much pain as this game's caused me, I do like the ending where the boy and girl get together.    No it doesn't. It fell before ANY OTHER RUIN IN THE GAME was built. In fact, it wasn't even NAMED until it was destroyed. Explain THAT. Or better yet... don't!  And that, in a nutshell, is Illusion of Gaia: Heavily Abridged Edition.  Alongside of Secret of Mana, Illusion of Gaia entered my life in my middle school years and I considered both, at the time, to be masterpieces.  As you might've guessed, it really, really isn't. The story is shit, the characters are largely unlikeable, I mean, even Will's something of a douche for most of the game. Nothing's explained and the ending left me more confused than just about any other.  I thought the gameplay would justify the experience. It didn't. It's a lackluster button-mashing action game with vague RPG stat-building elements that total up to an insultingly easy experience with frustratingly stupid boss fights. There's no balance, no difficulty for most of the game and jarring level-like structure to the plot progress and FILLER ARCS! For the love of God, FILLER ARCS in a video game!  It's been 15 years since Illusion of Gaia came out and, in its defense, it was a step above Soul Blazer in terms of quality, though the third game, Terranigma, eclipsed both by a long shot. The problem is that even in 1994, the RPG world had evolved beyond Enix's capacity to keep up. By then, Final Fantasy 4-6 had been released and Breath of Fire 2 would be out by the very next year. The game is just bad in every regard. The sole entertainment value came from the fighting, which, as said, involved mashing "B" until everything died and by the time Castoth was beaten, I had leveled up so much nothing could keep up until the Mummy Queen boss. Likewise, there was only one snippit of dialogue that brought me any amusement and it was an inconsequential quip made on the Incan Gold ship when Lance and Lilly wake Will up.  Yes, I'm aware Seth is alive again. Who cares at this point? In the game's defense, it had an undoubted effect on me. For a long time, I'd compare action-RPGs to Illusion of Gaia, pretty much up until I discovered Seiken Densetsu 3. In fact the town of Watermia inspired the "village over the river" scene in my novel, The Dragon of the Desert Wind. So it wasn't entirely without merit. My early writings (which don't exist anymore) were also influenced by the game's settings and monsters, so even though I've largely abandoned those things, they still set up a foundation that I'd later build superior things off of. But, in spite of these aftershocks on my fragile, middle-school pscyhe, the game is unambiguously bad. Next time, I'm going to LP a game I know is good, and it WON'T be made by Enix. Until then, this is Jeff. Thank you and good night. |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Rem | Sep 5 2009, 12:57 PM Post #17 |
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Why yes, I do like snickerdoodles.
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Am I the only one who, when they all merged and became that glowy human figure thing, thought: "SUPER SAIYAN POWER! KAAAAMEEEE HAAAAAMEEEEEEE HAAAAAAA!"? His power was over 9000. -- Nonetheless, another great LP! You're cranking these out like... like... I don't even know. Pick a game with a better sound track next time. |
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Have you ever wondered what color air is? | |
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| Root | Sep 5 2009, 02:49 PM Post #18 |
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The Speaker for the Dead
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I think you ended up hurting yourself on this one, realizing that the game you liked so much in middle school was in fact poorly designed. Well...add one to the list I guess, good end with lulz. |
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Does being the only sane one make me the insane one, in a sort of way? Though my eyes could see, I was still a blind man; Though my mind could think, I still was a madman... "Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run...there's still time to change the road you're on" | |
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