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| Traveling the World of Non Sequitur!; Jeff Plays Illusion of Gaia | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 19 2009, 05:21 PM (409 Views) | |
| Jeff | Aug 19 2009, 05:21 PM Post #1 |
Lord of Pie & BBWs
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  Welcome one and all to my latest personal LP endeavor! The second of the Soul Blazer trilogy!  Illusion of Gaia was one of the action-RPGs that Enix published during the early SNES era, much to Squaresoft's chagrin. Released in 1994 as "Illusion of Time" in Europe, Illusion of Gaia was a major part of my early middle school years and was, to me at least, revolutionary. An action game? With RPG elements? Who would've thunk it?! Wouldn't it be crazy if Square did something like that but they included something like... Mickey Mouse?! Yeah, I know! ... That would be fucking stupid!! But calling Illusion of Gaia an RPG is something of a misnomer. The game moves in a strictly linear fashion in a level-like way not entirely unlike EVO, another Enix game, but does so with a much smoother transition from section to section, periodically locking you in the new areas after certain event flags. Also, the RPG elements are limited to an odd take on the leveling system that encourages a quick breeze through each dungeon more than laborious grinding. The gameplay is, basically, fast-paced and action oriented with a few small puzzles thrown in. It was also one of the few SNES games to come WITH the Nintendo Power player's guide as its instruction manual. I, however, don't need it as I have this game burnt into my memory. The thing I remember most about the game was the strangely humanistic themes it dwells upon through the course of its senseless story and the strange, stilted, non sequitur-filled game script. However, no one cares about any of that because the story is stupid. The people that played this game were either fans of Soul Blazer, or just liked the action and unique art design. I was in the latter category, not playing the first or third games in the trilogy until years after Illusion of Gaia. But enough history, let's begin!   Something tells me we might be in a school building. Three guesses on who the main character is. The first two don't count.  Hi, Will! Fun fact: a leak of the ROM was released at some point. In that particular version, the script was different and some character names had changed, including Will's. His name was Tim in that version.  ... Wha? What time period does this game take place in?  So, then, how'd you survive?  So, we're in Africa?  BERIEVE IT!  Because that's such a normal thing for little boys to want to grow up and do.   Right. Because I know how well my dad would fare against demons.   Who are you people?   Well, SOMEONE gives me a straight answer. Put simply, this is the group dynamic of Will's buddies. Seth (purple): smart guy. Claims to have "no interest in girls". Erik (orange): younger guy. From a rich family. Tends to get in the way a lot and be very annoying. Lance (green): cool guy. Seems to be the only one among them with a brain. Will speaks in the yellow/golden text, but the problem is the game randomly switches narration from Will's first-person perspective to a 3rd person omniscient narrator with no warning and sometimes no change in font, which makes the game really hard to follow. So don't bother trying as I fully intend to heavily abridged this text-heavy game as we go.  GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!! I'm going up on the roof for no reason!  Oh, right. Before I forget, the clueless bastard in blue is Will. We'll be seeing him a lot seeing as how I'm playing as him.  Up on the roof we find THIS little time/space anomaly. When we're a good distance away, it resembles a pulsating white orb with a glowy light, but when we approach, it unfolds into a doorway. Let's go in!  ... Oh my dear sweet God, what is THAT?!  Oh God, it's you again! Gaia: Hi honey! Did you miss me? Jeff: Not particularly. Also didn't really enjoy going into your navel either.  Will: So, what kind of cool powers does being the chosen one entail? Jeff: You can play a mean flute and pull Easter Island heads around. That's about it. Will:  Well, hotfooting it out of the Dark Space/Save Area we resume exploring the town.  Illusion of Gaia has no monetary system. All items will be found or given without charge sans maybe the round-a-bout fetch quest from time to time, but you will find up to 50 red jewels within the game's levels. Giving them to a jeweler will get you items and power ups as the game goes on. Getting all 50 merits entrance into a secret level. Once upon a time I had a save file with access to said level but could never find the point of it, so we're not going there. Also, being that there ARE 50 red jewels and I know the location over over 40 of them, I won't be showing you any more than a few key ones that are either amusing or infuriating.  When you explore the town, if there's something special about the house you're breaking and entering, Will will point out whose house it is and any special details about it. I can sum these up as such: Lance is a cool guy whose father was on the same exploration team as Will's dad. Seth's parents are douchebags but that plot point never gets resolved. Erik's parents are filthy rich and own a big freaking house. There. Will lives with his grandparents since his dad vanished and his mom... umm... his mom... ... what did happen to his mom? Hmm.  I'm sure THAT'S not going to be plot pivotal at any point. Nope.  Oh yeah, and you can jump down from ledges. Not sure why but it's a major part of the gameplay and how a lot of the dungeons are navigated is dependent on this feature so... yeah.  Down by the docks, you find this schmuck who looks like half the other schmucks in this village. You have to go in and out of doors until he FINALLY winds up on the opposite end of the dock with a jar (a very, very tedious thing to make happen) to get the third red jewel. See why I'm not going to bother getting them all now?   This is the ... You just think I'm kidding.  How can you tell on a 16-bit sprite?  Their reaction to this? "Who cares?" and "Eww! Girls!" respectively. Will seems pretty ambivalent.  ... What? No matter how many times I read this dialog exchange, none of it makes any sense. Lance implies Erik has a crush on the princess (this makes no sense. How would he ever have seen her? There's no internet!) and then Erik suddenly calls Lance a liar before going on about how cool it would be to have one of the helmets that the castle guards have! ... What the hell?  They then suddenly shift gears to Will's "mysterious power". Again, this script makes no sense.  Using the shoulder buttons (which acts as a blocking move) you can drag certain objects towards you. This will be used several times throughout the game, but never explained. Ever.  Satisfied that he can, in fact, move an ugly, useless statue, Lance ups the ante on me.   As you might've guessed, this little minigame is rigged in your favor. He puts down four cards, but which one you pick is irrelevant.  Gotta love the "of course" they tack on there, like they know you know.  You guys piss me off. I'm out of here.  Just south of the school, if you find all the three red jewels in this town you can get a healing item - an herb. The stupid jeweler name aside, here's something you should probably be alerted to. HEALING ITEMS ARE IN LIMITED QUANTITIES. In fact, EVERYTHING in this game is in limited quantities. And while there may be more herbs than just about everything in the game, it's nothing you can get too comfortable with because there are dry patches throughout the game where you won't get many. You have to ration these suckers. There's no shops in this game that aren't there for show, except for one really random one that hands out apples... which restore one dot of health. Anyways, I get fed up with this nonsense and go home.  *Sigh* Again? Will: O_o  ... Hamlet. Har-har-har. Anyways, she bugs you for a while, asking really random, stupid crap like if there's a piano in the house. There isn't. For that matter, I don't think there's a piano IN THE GAME. She then asks if Will's parents in a way I perceived to be rather rude. Instead of putting her lights out, Will announces his intents to find his father someday. Well, good luck, kid. Anyways, you go up and talk to his grandparents, who spout some nonsense about how they fell in love and... OKAY! Am I the only on here who has a coherent train of thought?!  Well, at least you're honest. Will: That's the girl, Kara! She's in trouble! C'mon!   Goodie for you. Out of my house.  Then, out of NOWHERE, we get some bit about how Will's grandpa designed the dungeon below the castle. I don't know anymore.    Snail pie? That's up there with Fly Pudding in terms of "Crap I will never eat so long as I live". Yay! Maybe it's something for my good citizenship!   ... Or not.   She then teaches us a rather pretty melody the game stores in our inventory (WTF?) as a red music note called "Lola's Melody", which we can play on our flute at key points. I'm sure her giving that to me isn't, y'know, symbolic or in any way going to be helpful! Anyways, I'm sure if I politely explain to the evil king who's been stealing treasures from the peasantry that there was no crystal ring in my dad's junk, he'll be very understanding!  The guards attempt to stop you, but Will shows them the letter and they (very slowly) return to their posts. You can zip up the stairs and go visit our little pink friend and Kara too!  But Hamlet seems to be out at the moment.  At the threat of having his "old nickname" unveiled, the guard steps aside to let Will and Kara have... umm... a moment?  Uhh, I don't think the bad writing is exclusive to the castle, sweetie. ... What? What do you mean an experienced NOVELIST wrote this game?! Seriously? It can't be right... "Enix published the game in Japan, and Nintendo published it worldwide. Illusion of Gaia was scored by Yasuhiro Kawasaki. Moto Hagio the influential manga artist is credited with the character designs. Novelist Mariko Ohara worked on the story." ... Well, I'm convinced. Ohara's the most ADHD novelist ever...  'k lol. Anyways, the guard tells us to GTFO and go see the king. So we shall.  Yes, yes, your bitch daughter said the same thing. What do you want?  NO! NO KING BUT KING JESUS! NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION! WOE TO THE EMPIRE!!!  Will: Oh, geez, thanks a lot, man! Jeff: Anytime!   This is another one of those "non sequitur" moments I mentioned before. Maybe it makes more sense in the Japanese, but as it's presented to me here (and since this is pretty much the only line the queen gets in the ENTIRE GAME) I'm left befuddled as to whether she considers "ma'am" offensive, or if she's just surprised Will would do something so utterly stupid as assume the queen who has no reason to care for his well being would try to overrule the king. It's a mystery~   Kill yourself, lawl!    Well, that accomplished nothing except Will's update to his livejournal. Will: Jeff: You've been in there for like ten minutes, STFU.   ... What? THAT. MAKES. NO. SENSE!!!  It tasted like ass. I'm going to start abridging the dialog more from here on out...  Will: I FEEL ASLEEP.   That must be awkward to explain at the family gatherings. Father: I'm only channeling my voice THROUGH the flute. Will: Why didn't you do that sooner?! Like... a YEAR AGO?! Father: ... Err... Anyways, this is your father, now listen up.   Your response is virtually irrelevant. He says the exact same thing next no matter what you put.   Basically, this is their way of shoehorning in a mini-tutorial. The jewel ups your "DP" or "Dark Power". Collect 100 you get one "Life" which merely means if you die, you only get sent back to the start of the current room than the current dungeon. In short, they're worthless. Especially to someone who has the game memorized. At least I get to kill stuff soon.   His dad then just... stops talking. Randomly. But now we have an objective. Skip school and home and find statues! TOTALLY GOING TO DO IT!!!  Mr. Pigglesworth!   Will: Yeah? Well, I'm in a prison of feces and stale bread. Bitch.  Yay! Key!  With the key, I can escape. I could also let this one guard out... but I feel more like being a massive prick! ONWARDS!!  The first monsters you encounter are bats. You can swat them with your flute. Bats are slow and piss-weak and you pretty much have to deliberately hurl yourself into their teeth for them to hurt you. If you attack and also hit the direction you're facing, it'll become a stronger lunge attack.  Also, when we pause the game, we get a radar that shows enemies (masks) chests and... well, that's it. Oh well.  Kill all the monsters in a room - get a level up! Either health, attack or defense.  Some monsters release what I call - for lack of a better term - Unlock Spheres, which blow open new pathways. The game makes no mention of this, but just assumes you'll discover it. Because NO ONE playing this game could meander past the waterborne enemy who only comes up periodically and only stays above the surface for seconds at a time and could very easily be run past if they were scared. That's never happened to me, but I'm just saying...  More Easter Island heads. *Yawn*  A... dandelion seed? Well, it's not an enemy and it doesn't hurt you. It does, however, bitch if you hit it. Which is hard NOT to do since it circles around your head in an area filled with monsters! If you get in my way and I hit you, you have no one to blame but yourself.  Says the flower seed who can fly over everything. Bite me.  This dungeon also tries to teach us about simple puzzle mechanics. Hit the button, the iron balls move.  THIS IS TOO COMPLICATED!!!   A rusty switch you can jump down on top of. A gimmick which is never used in the game ever again. ... Umm... deep?  There's no boss to this dungeon, but we do see the dandelion seed merge with a rose and ask you to play "that song". Seeing as we know exactly ONE song right now, that one damn well better work.  Thankfully, it does, and the flower holds our hand (metaphorically) to unlock a timed puzzle door. Which involves the very complicated process of: 1) Count to 3 2) Hit switch on 3. ... Yeah.  On the other side of the door, we find... *sigh*... Gaia again. Thankfully, she justifies her presence by presenting us with our first (and primary until the FREAKING PENULTIMATE DUNGEON) form change. Freedan, the Dark Knight.  Freedan is like Will, but bigger, stronger and generally better in every conceivable way. Oh, except Freedan can't play melodies. Mm-hmm. Big loss, right? Well, now that we HAVE Freedan, we go another room or two before the dungeon's OVER. No, seriously.  We walk forward a bit to find the true form of the dandelion seed!  Who is she? Where is she from? What does she want from us? WHO CARES?! All this and more next time on Jeff Plays Illusion of Gaia! See you then! |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Sean | Aug 19 2009, 05:29 PM Post #2 |
The ⑥of Four Against Nature
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Holy crap, man...that was a mouthful of an update. |
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| Rem | Aug 19 2009, 06:42 PM Post #3 |
Why yes, I do like snickerdoodles.
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REALLY. REALLY. BIG UPDATE. It was amusing, but I suggest making them shorter next time D: |
 Have you ever wondered what color air is? | |
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| Jeff | Aug 28 2009, 04:33 PM Post #4 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Yes, yes, my last post was a long one, but I wanted to give you all the feel of the game we're going to be going through here without compromising the chance to hurry up and get the action. Anyways, as we were... Will: And you didn't help me at all through that dungeon because...? Lilly: Err...  Well, good enough. She looked like a bull dyke anyways. Let's GTFO!  ... You're joking, right? Will: I'm just saying... Jeff: What you're saying is you're not leaving without her. Will: Jeff: Really? *Sigh*. Okay, I'll play your little angle this time.  What's really surprising here is that NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE. The guards are all asleep in the doorways leading anywhere but the dungeon and Kara's room. Even the freaking maid on the way ENCOURAGES YOU to take Kara and run far, far away! And they WONDER why it's so damn easy for her to escape every other week?  Okay! There! You have your booty call. Let's bail!  ... *Sigh*. Let's go down. I think we passed something in one of the RANDOM, UNMARKED BARRELS THAT WITHOUT A PLAYERS GUIDE NO ONE WOULD HAVE THE FAINTEST IDEA WHERE TO START LOOKING.   No. You can't get it the first time through this room, either.  Bloody finally. Let's get back to South Cape already.  Oh. The house is wrecked like a pig was let loose into it! A pig far less refined than Hamlet Pigglesworth Esq.  Will: It's a picture of a goggy. Kara: It's the mark of the jackal! Will: *Insert obvious Family Guy skit here* Kara: No! It's serious!  How bad could he be?  ... Oh.  What are you doing in my house? Lilly: They're safe in my village! Let's go! Kara: *INCONSEQUENTIAL WHINING!* Lilly: *INCONSEQUENTIAL BITCHING!* Jeff: C'mon, let's go say goodbye the sole useful person in town. Will: Mm.  You wouldn't believe me if I told ya.  Yes, let us leave this hell hole behind, shall we? Lilly: *INCONSEQUENTIAL BITCHING!* Kara: *INCONSEQUENTIAL WHINING!* Will: Hoo boy... Lilly: Look, Will's my friend!   Let's bail while they're arguing! Will: It won't let me.  Will: Great village. I mean it. Fantastic. Love what you've done with the place. Lilly: Play the melody from the dungeon, numb nuts. Will: Oh.  No, this is pretty standard RPG faire. TIME TO RAID THE VILLAGE FOR ITS COMBINED TOTAL OF ONE (1) RED JEWEL!  I object on the basis that the Incas did not live in South Africa!  Hurray. The inconsequential NPCs continue to live. Wouldn't want to have anything happen to the people we never see again, would we?  ... No comment.  Up north of "Club Retard" is a hidden dark space. Inside is something nice. Gaia: Aww! Thank you, honey! Jeff: I MEANT THE PSYCHO DASH! Gaia:   The Psycho Dash is a nigh-on-useless move that we'll use maybe twice in the game, if that. You hold the attack button and Will glows green before flashing rapidly, meaning the move is charged. He then does a surprisingly inefficient dash attack. Whoop-die-doo.  Anyways, we decide to do something fun and LEAP ACROSS A FREAKING VALLEY to get to the other place we need to go.  Unfortunately, our fun romp through the graveyard is stifled by...  THIS windbag that I poorly screencapped. Like before, he's not transparent, he just flickers in and out. By the way, that line had no context. That's how he says "Hello", basically.  Will: I think. Then again, I hear voices in my head a lot so... maybe...?  Will: Ahh! Right! Statues! I remember the deal with the statues. I need those. Let's go!  Below is the first time we use the Psycho Dash. Though this feature could've been implemented far more - it wasn't. You can check for false walls by attacking them. Hitting a false wall makes a noise while hitting a regular wall doesn't. A similar feature was implemented in a couple of the Zelda titles.  Will: Aww. This statue isn't Mystic at all! It's Incan! Jeff: Don't worry. We need the Incan statues to get the Mystic Statue.  'k, lol. Anyways, I go back, courtesy of an equally huge jump and speak with Lilly about the statue, so she offered to take me to the village of the "Moon Tribe". Let's go!   BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRDMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!  Cheater.  Uhh... y'know, I was expecting the SCRIPT to have the non-sequitur problem, not the character design... These little bastards tell you about a comet that comes by every so often.  But the way they do it is text-heavy and time consuming, so I'll sum it up. A comet that comes every 800 years zips by Earth and barfs up a "light" that speeds up and alters the natural course of evolution.  Fuck you, Enix. More importantly, the sped-up evolution seems to be a bad thing for... some reason, they never actually explain that, but it causes the evolved things to turn into monsters and whatnot. Again, this is never fully explained, they just ask us to accept it at face value. I told you this game's story sucked.  Below, you fight six of the monsters who were evolved by the "light" and get the second required statue. Now, let's get the hell out of here, those heads going "Kuu kuu kuu" freak me out.   NO. THEY. DID. NOT. THEY DIED. THEY ALL FUCKING DIED. THERE WAS NO "NEW WORLD"! THE INCAS WERE IN THE NEW WORLD! ... Why were you guys considered Squaresoft's rivals again?  OH GOD! THEY'RE MULTIPLYING! RUN BOY, RUN! WE'RE SAFER IN THE BOOBY-TRAPPED DUNGEON!!!  Okay! Our first Mystic Statue Ruins - the Incan Ruins. Will: The wind is REALLY strong here! This must've been what that old guy meant when he said "Spirits' Breath"! Therefore, I must place the statues in a place where the wind doesn't blow! Jeff: ... Excuse me. /Rant/ DAMN YOU, ENIX!!! WHAT THE HELL?! It's not like this was a terribly difficult dungeon in the first place, but you go and PATRONIZE us by giving away the answer to the damn riddle before the dungeon EVEN STARTS!!! The tip-off was already a dead give-a-way! There's only one part of the dungeon that's outside and Will's hair isn't pushed around by the wind - an element the people in South Cape HARP on continuously and we damn sure haven't heard the last of - so why did you EXPLAIN THE PUZZLE BEFORE WE'RE EVEN THERE?! In fact, it wasn't even much of a puzzle! It's the key to the boss room, and it's not like you can come here without the Incan Statues anyways! WHAT'S. THE. POINT?! FUCK YOU, ENIX! /Rant/ *Sigh*. I'm better now.  I can't remember entirely why I took this cap. I guess to show off the weird expression on the guy's face. We don't even have an emoticon like that...  As said, this dungeon is not hard, and lends itself to many level ups. Some monsters here have projectiles, but that can be blocked by holding the shoulder buttons. Suffice it to say, the enemies here are cake.  Hmm! A diamond-shaped hole! And a door I can't get through! This calls for snooping around!  ... Okay, one more time. /Rant/ WHAT THE HELL?! Must you hold our hands through the entire course of the game or something?! Why can't you just say "A block" or to try and throw off the unobservant, call it a square block! OR SOMETHING! DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR PUZZLES, ENIX! DO SOMETHING!!! Stop babying the player! We've had our tutorial dungeon, it's time for the real deal! STOP! MESSING! AROUND!!! /Rant/  Anyways, later on, there are large, gold plates on the ground that trigger traps. To be hit by these, you'd have to be blind, deaf and retarded. Though this one in particular lends itself to some unintentional black humor. There are skeletons dotted throughout the dungeon which - you guessed it - explain elements of the dungeon you already know! I'm skipping this shit, let's go.  Under normal circumstances, you're supposed to turn to Will, get the melody of wind and play it in this room in order to figure out which tile to step on, but since that involves effort and - y'know - not having played this game before to do, so I bypass that and open the door the cheap way. In the next area, you reach the windless area. Needless to say, this puzzle is basically done for us. Go to the first pedestal and place Incan Statue A. Go to the second one, place Statue B. The wind will begin blowing, allowing you to jump to the boss room. Because that puzzle was SO DAMN HARD on its own merit, right?  The first boss of the game. The guide calls him Castoth. He's very big and very imposing, but his only attack of any merit is a line of fire that'll periodically flare up and trace one section of the battle field. That'll hit you infinitely more than the bouncing diamond he fires, his hands, and FREAKING ANCIENT INCAN LASER BEAMS (I am not making that part up) combined. You wait for him to raise a hand, then beat on it until it drops, then do the other. His head will flare up and you whack the tar out of him. Lather. Rinse. Repeated. He's not at all dangerous if you stay on the move, particularly as half his attacks can't go behind his head, so if you need a place to rest, go there. Beat him and we net our first MYSTIC STATUE! Which I forgot to cap. It's okay, I'll show you next time. See you then! |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Sean | Aug 28 2009, 04:49 PM Post #5 |
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The ⑥of Four Against Nature
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In before the game gets ridiculously difficult and obscure with its puzzles and makes Jeff start bitching about that. ...I kid, of course...OR AM I? |
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| Root | Aug 28 2009, 09:40 PM Post #6 |
The Speaker for the Dead
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INCONSEQUENTIAL POSTING! Reminds me of A Link to the Past. Which you should LP. Or maybe I'll do it after Ages...hmm... Funny, but there was a reason I didn't read your first post - it was WAY too freakin' long. |
Does being the only sane one make me the insane one, in a sort of way? Though my eyes could see, I was still a blind man; Though my mind could think, I still was a madman... "Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run...there's still time to change the road you're on" | |
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| Jeff | Aug 29 2009, 08:47 PM Post #7 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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Well, Castoth bites the big one and I suggested to Will to throw himself down the seemingly-bottomless pit in the room behind the massive demon who was also sitting in a seemingly-bottomless pit. THERE'S NO WAY THIS CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG!! Will: Wheeeee!!  Oh. There is a bottom. You lucked out this time, punk.  ... Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you've probably come to the same conclusion I have. This game has gone stark raving mad. I'm on a ship loaded with the empire's "treasures", they have BLUE HAIR (you gotta have blue hair) and they think Will (who is clearly Anglo-Saxon) is their KING. Okay, first off, the Incans didn't treasure gold the way the Europeans did. They used it for ornamentation where they used it at all. They would not - and did not - load it up on a ship to protect it from "THE INVADERS" and flee their native land. First off, where would they go? No matter where they went, pretty much every place was settled by people with bigger guns (metaphorically) than them. Second, the Spanish were surprisingly nice to the Incan and Aztec Empires... for a little while, anyways. Third, am I the only one who feels absolutely no sympathy for these ancient empires? They disappeared overnight, basically, without "THE INVADERS" having to do anything and it's because of people like THEM that we get pigshit like 2012. No. No, no, no. Fuck you, ancient ruin-building civilization people of whom I have no reason to sympathize with. Fuck you. Oh. And along the way, I got a Mystic Statue.  Yay, I guess.  Talk to queen. Get "WHITE PEOPLE ARE EVIL", even though Will clearly is one... go up to crow's nest and take a look around~  Okay, that's a nice view, I'll admit and the rocking of the ship is done rather well. Anyways, I'm tired, so I shall take a nap!  And... uhh... dream of my mother in sepia tone. O... kay. Sure, why not? Shira: Do you think the comet is a lucky or unlucky star? Will: Didn't we already establish that it causes animals and humans to turn into violent abominations? Shira: Oh. Right. Well, here's hoping it doesn't screw us over too hard. Will: That's it? Shira: It's my one scene in the game and I get like three sentences. Sue me.  I wake up and my "friends" are there and the Incas are all... uhh... dead. Again. Damn, I guess the white man IS the destroyer of worlds. Huh.  Meanwhile, at the corpse of the Queen who apparently died sitting upright on her throne, Kara decides to do something dumb. Kara: Ooo! Shiny! Lilly: It's probably cursed. Will: And you base this on...? Lilly: I'm just saying it's entirely possible and logistical that taking the ring from the mummy's hand-- Will: That is clearly NOT a mummy. Lilly: -- the MUMMY'S hand will probably have serious, immediate and dire ramifications. Kara: Oh, c'mon, what're the odds of that? YOINK! Lance: OH MY GOD! SOMETHING'S ATTACKING THE SHIP! Lilly: SEE?! Kara: Oh! GOD DAMN IT!  Will: What happened?! Erik: Seth got eated! Will: ... Who? Erik: Our friend! Will: ... Who? Erik: The purple guy! Will: Let's see... purple... purple... Lance: OH MY GOD, GIANT FISH! And they're all unceremoniously thrown overboard.  Which brings us to this. The "Filler Arc" of Illusion of Gaia, which is basically only here to justify Kara and Will spontaneously falling in love.  OH WILL YOU NOW?! ... Yes, she will. Until you fork it over, no pun intended, you're stuck, so, yeah. Give it to her and... oh screw this! HIGHLIGHT REEL!   That kinda sums this arc up in a nutshell, now, doesn't it? I got so bored that during one of the random (and invariably pointless) events, I decided to take my aggressions out on the only sentient creature near me.  In spite of the lulz this gave me, she doesn't even respond to my assaults on her person. Inside the jar was a letter from some slave I doubt I'll have the dumb luck to meet and rescue this update.  Also, if you noticed my health took a massive hit over these updates, that's part of the events. Our health is restored by capturing (by whacking with our flute) fish and eating them. Yes, apparently starvation kicks Will's pasty, white ass, but Moby Dickhead had no issue totaling a boat and didn't even phase him.  The red star is the comet of premature evolution. Next~  SHARKS! The conversation goes: Will: ZOMG SHARKS! Kara: WE'RE DOOMED! Will: SHIT! Kara: Oh wait. They're not attacking. Will: Why not? Kara: They must not be hungry. Only EEEEEEEVIL HUMANS fight when they're not hungry! Will: Man, fuck humanity. Kara: Seriously. Will: Wanna make out? Kara: Sure. Or something like that, I wasn't paying very good attention.  ... Wait, what? Let's see that one more time... ... Seriously? ... Excuse me for a moment. That just blew my mind. Wow. That was the greatest screw up in this game. That has just justified this game in its entirety. That is AWESOME. Will: I FEEL UNCONSCIOUS!! Skipping some useless shit~   Let's see... aesthetically pleasing. All white people. Flashy clothing...  Aaaaaaand~ slave markets. This must be Europe. Anyways, there's lots of random stuff to find in this place and since we'll be forced beyond the point of no return before the end of this update, it's best to explore a lot. Is it just me or is this the most xenophobic game ever?  Using a tip from one of the slaves (who, with a little work, you can deduce come from India in spite of having surprisingly westernized names) you learn Erik is being held captive on the other side of town. Rescuing him nets us access to a Diamond Mine. Now, I know what you're thinking - get rich quick and hire an army to find where the hell Will's dad is, but, sadly, no. Our modus operandi is much lamer this time around.  AMNESIA! Yet another cliche to top off this cliche-licious chapter of the game. Did I even mention that this is, roughly, level 2? Yeah. After you go to the Incan Gold Ship, we entered level 2. ... Yeah.   In spite of the ominous introduction, we're sent here to rescue the slave laborers and, if we're lucky (and we are) find something to help Lance, since he's the only one of Will's friends I particularly give a damn about. I'd like to take an aside here and point out how very, very, very illegal and illogical Will's actions here are. First off, the game plainly states slaves (called "laborers" in the Americanized version) and sale of them is legal and a valued commodity among the rich and influential. Setting them free is, therefore, illegal, making Will basically a felon. Second, where are they going to go? They go to any of the neighboring cities and they'll be arrested, enslaved and sold again, making this section of the game ENTIRELY POINTLESS. Now, now, spare me your long-winded and self-righteous rant about what a politically incorrect bastard I am - I'm not justifying slavery and I think slavery is wrong and immoral as any of you. I'm just saying that this entire dungeon is pointless and only serves to make Will an enemy of the law. Not that that matters... *sigh*.  Worth mention are... these... things. I'm going to spare you the middle school-level jokes and point out that these things are usually tipped off by the presence of a skull nearby. They're not tough, but can be a pain if they shoot up right under your feet.   Throughout this dungeon, you'll rescue a bunch of... umm... green-haired laborers. They'll thank you, give you items/red jewels and generally be very grateful in spite of the inevitability I mentioned earlier. Pushing those thoughts aside, we press on to get Freedan's first (and generally speaking, most useful) specials.  The Dark Friar, a Dark Power, allows the Dark Knight to use Dark Power to destroy Dark Enemies in the Dark Dungeons... You get the idea. Basically, it's a hadoken. Anyways, once you get that, you can get access to the elevator and move onto the last stretch of the dungeon.  I won't lie - the effect of showing the area below while using the lifts was a nice touch. It really gives the level a vast, sprawling feeling, sort of like the Dwarf Hole in Seiken Densetsu 3.  Rescue these three guys (yes, the same ones who magically got here before you and were left to rot in the time it took me to ask Lance what's up and get here). The last one gives you the Memory Melody in return for two useless items from your bag (Wind Melody/Edward Prison Key). So much the better. Let's get back to Lance.  This part comes off as REALLY freaking weird. I missed the chance to cap it, but Erik says - and I swear I'm not making this up - "I feel like I'm back in the womb." ... Yeah. Moving on~   Yeah... randomly, they mention Neil and Will's all "OMG! LONG-LOST COUSIN!". For those of you keeping score, that's three (3) cliches this update alone. Neil is an inventor and his achievements ALONE in the scientific community would largely eclipse that of freaking Leonardo Da Vinci.  He pioneered diving.  Aviation.  Astronomy.  AND photography! What the hell?! Neil's WAY more exciting than the Mystic Statues or my "friends"!  ... What are you talking about? This game's really on the move as we end up--  ... in a conspicuously familiar place! ... Now, where have I seen this before?  OF COURSE! It's the portrait of the JEFFBIRD!!!  No! I just TOLD you what this was all about! Bimbo. I'm going to bug someone else.  Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a stupid story, no escape from this reality. Open your eyes... look up to the skies and see~ Will: I'm just a poor boy! I need no sympathy! Jeff: Because I'm easy come, easy go~ little high, little low~ Lance: Okay, stop that. Jeff & Will:  ... No? Lilly:   THE JEFFBIRD IS MALE! DAMN YOU!!! <  > Oh God. You guys again. GTFO!  Jeffbird has the Mystic Statue?!  So! A connection between the constellation of Cygnus and the image of the Jeffbird? Hmm... So, since the comet appeared in that constellation, where would it be in relation to the Jeffbird portrait?  What's there?  A PLOT DEVICE! Erik: Hey! Something huge is over us! Will: Dude, no way, I'm disappea-- Kara: WIIIIIIIIIIILL!!!  Next time, we explore the (quite literal) Hanging Garden that hovers above the Jeffbird Plains! See you then! Will: How am I supposed to get down from here?! |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Rem | Aug 30 2009, 01:36 PM Post #8 |
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Why yes, I do like snickerdoodles.
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This game is abundant with cliches. And you're right, it is xenophobic. WILL IS OBVIOUSLY NOT A WHITE MALE, NUH-UH. THAT'S WHY THE QUEEN TOTALLY SPOKE CASUALLY TO HIM ABOUT HATING WHITE PEOPLE. But, like Avenue Q has taught, everyone is a little bit racist. As always, your LP is an amusing read! |
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Have you ever wondered what color air is? | |
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| Jeff | Aug 30 2009, 05:58 PM Post #9 |
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Lord of Pie & BBWs
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We're nearing the halfway point, so I'm pushing on! Yes, the game is short if you actually have a clue what you're doing. Ironically, I noticed that the player's guide the game came with gets gradually less and less detailed as it goes on, eventually relegating boss fights to a small paragraph like it was an aside or something. It is a mystery~... Not sure WHY I have to do these in clockwise order. In fact I'm fairly sure that, if I wanted, I could do them in any order, but I'm going to play ball this time and do what he says.  The thing about this dungeon is that nothing is self-explanatory. Least of all, the enemies. Here, they come in three distinct flavors. Bomb-Caterpillar - Hey, I didn't say my names for them were original. Basically a string of black balls linked together by God-only-knows-what that combust at death. Ice Golem - Or maybe they're crystal. Hell if I know. They fire ANCIENT NAZCA LASER BEAMS and their fists Mazinger style. The former must be dodged, but you can block the latter with your block move. Phantom Sword - Suits of armor are scattered throughout and hitting one will awaken the sword in its hand. Destroy it (three hits) and you can move the statue out of the way. The first re-spawning enemy in the game, but it doesn't count towards level ups nor drops items.  Will: HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Jeff: I'm tired of this. Leap off and maybe you'll "Evolve Birds" or something.  Will: Oof! Jeff: ... Oh. That's right. Here, when you leap the ledge, you end up on the underside of the platform Mario Galaxy-style. On the underside, the enemies are slightly stronger, with the Bomb-Caterpillars launching their bombs into the air and basically carpet bombing you and the golems being much more aggressive and punching deeper than before.  The first segment is an introduction to the gimmicks this area uses. Mostly the world invert, long jumps and moving the armor around.  Slotting a crystal ball into the hole makes one of the blue platforms slide into place. Seems like we have a plan now.  In the second area, we can turn into Freedan and use his fiery hadoken to eliminate hard-to-reach enemies. This is a necessity here.  The second crystal is guarded by some more enemies that are nigh-on-impossible to screen cap. Just imagine three orange, flickering lights bouncing around Pong-style and you get the idea. You can't kill them and they bounce in a really tight pattern here. As an aside - why did so many game developers use the blinking sprite method anyways? The SNES was more than capable of handling transparent layers. Eh, whatever.  The second crystal means we're halfway there! Let's go!  The third segment's gimmick are those posts that go up and down. As you might have guessed, when they go down on one side, they go up on the other. This is an easy area, but tedious as all hell. If you're quick you can kind of cheese your way through here, but I did it the "right" way and quickly moved on.  Almost there! Well, the fourth area was rather underwhelming. It's fundamental shape is a circle and the only gimmick employed was moving armor statues to cover buttons. No, seriously, that's it.  Okay, let's get the hell outta here. And just like that, climb the stairs and it's boss time!  Viper! Viper is... well, retarded. First off, the Sky Garden was fantastic leveling and Viper's only move worth worrying about is a shuriken of feathers it throws down and splits into four directions which can hit you multiple times. Thankfully, by this time, Enix had discovered that other companies had been using mercy invincibility as a standard since the early 80's and has since put that into this game, so it's not the end of the world. A few quick swats takes Viper down for good. Ironically, Viper is easier than Castoth.  YOU HAVE USED, THE UNNECESSARY COMMA! LOOK! AN INEPT TRANSLATION TEAM!  Am I the only one who sees those things as frogs with hats? Anyone?  Will: NAW. REALLY?! Jeff: Jump, Will, jump and stop this game! Will: Well, here goes nothing.  Whoops. I missed the text this time. I imagine the dialog is something like Will: OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!  Thankfully, on the second pass, Neil catches his cousin, who takes no damage for the insanely long fall in spite of hitting a surface far harder than water or sand.  We should? Well, we had one in the mountain side, one in the sky and so, according to RPG law...  Wait a second, what?  ... in the water. Of course.  Wow! What a view! Uhh... hey, Will? Neil? Anyone else smell smoke? ...  And now you know! And knowing is half the battle! G. I. JOOOOOOOOE!!!  ... Terrific. Now I'm locked in a building quite visibly under the ocean.  With logic that successfully makes LESS sense than it did before. Not sure how that's possible but...  And our friends have decided to join the CULT OF SPRITES THAT BLINK REALLY FAST RATHER THAN JUST USE INVISIBLE LAYERS!!! DAMN YOU, XENU! DAMN YOOOOOU!!!  ... Oh. But Lilly's okay for... some reason. Guess that "Flower Spirit" really knows what he's doing, what with making you invincible to the curse that arbitrarily passed over Will... *Sigh*. She then goes dandelion seed and leaps into Will's pocket, thus getting her as close to getting into any guy's pants she ever will. BA-ZING!!!  Lilly helps you break into these random coffins and find a random rock inside of one. Umm... yay?  In the basement we find... umm... a Mana Tree stump... full of... oil? Will: Screw this. I'm getting rid of this rock and throwing it in here. Jeff: Hey, check it out. The water purified. Random. Will: Meh. This also makes the "monsters" we saw before turn back to people who - of course - preach at you for the evils of slavery and being attracted to the opposite sex. I am not making this up. Thankfully, one of these pinheads gives me a key and I'm able to GTFO.  Anything's got to be better than being trapped underwater with no food, water or intelligent life. Lilly: What about me? Jeff: I reiterate my previous complaint. Lilly:  Or... maybe not. Welcome to Mu, one of the Big Three Dickmoves this game pulls on us. Mercifully, if you know what you're doing, Mu is fairly easy. If you don't, you'll be at this a while. The gimmick this time around is that the dungeon is broken up into three elevated portions. Gray, white and blue.  One of the recurring puzzle elements herein is that two statues examining the same spot means there's something there you must get. More on that in a sec.  And one of the strangest things in here are these bubble things. There's only three or five of them in here, you can pull them with your psychic flute-waving, hit them away or bounce off them by walking into them. They're never mentioned in-game and never given a name. Half the time, they're simply in your way. I'm not sure what possessed the game designers to do this, but you can use them to get up a steep area in exactly ONE spot. Go figure.  Between the sight of two statues, we find the "Statue of Hope" just laying around... on the ground. ... Random. Now, we're just gonna go back the way we came to the Room of Hope and-- Lilly: I GOT IT! There must be something important where the statue's sights line up! Will: ... [No. Seriously, this actually happened to me.]  In the "Room of Hope" you plop the statue in place and get a stupid, albeit mercifully brief, message about the King of Mu, Rama, and "the secret lies with the ocean".  Yes, we know, Lilly. Shut up.  Now we're on the white (middle) section. This area involves a lot of backtracking and a lot the monsters we couldn't kill in the top layer (less than half, luckily) will crop up here and on the last section. We also luck out, as here we get Will's most useful ability.  A dash-slide-kick! Not only does it do way more damage than Will's normal move, requires no charge up, is easy to execute and makes him invincible in its warm-up phase, it lets us slide under narrow ledges and access new parts of this (and only this) dungeon! This makes Will worth using again when we can't immediately turn to Freedan! Which is fortunate. Most of Mu will be completed as Will for once. Anyways, we find ANOTHER Statue and Room of Hope combo and get the EXACT SAME MESSAGE AS BEFORE. However, this gives us access to the lowest level of the dungeon and the last of the monsters.  The blue area. Here, we'll take care of the last of the monsters and obtain two "Rama Statues" which are identical in terms of sprite to Incan Statue A. Then, we go to the last area and plop the statues onto two pedestals (surprise~ surprise~) and enter a...  A graveyard?! The blue flaming mocchi shit?! What kind of morbid crap is this?! Plus Mu's been under the ocean for centuries if not millennia, how is there ANYTHING left?!  In an ugly, down syndrome statue? Rama: Needless to say, my royal tomb carpenter had a sick sense of humor. Will: Make it quick, ghost man. Rama: The comet screwed us all over. We all tried to escape, but we were too incompetent to build boats or rafts. Instead, we started an underground tunnel. Unfortunately, our continent suddenly sank and we all kinda died. Will: Hm. Sucks. Got any Mystic Statues? Rama: Sure. Here, take it. Not like I have any use for it. [Sadly, I didn't really alter the exchange that much...]  With that, we can enter the next room and face the boss. However, seeing as how I'm playing as Will and a flute would do only slightly better against a vampire than HARSH LANGUAGE, I think I'll fall back and get Freedan for this.  HOLY BAT BOMBS, BATMAN!  The Vampire Couple! Jack and Silvana! The first (and only) dual-boss in Illusion of Gaia are nothing to sneeze at. However, a lot of their attacks are avoided best by staying close to them and whacking away at their health. Focus on one, then the other. It doesn't matter who you kill, because either one by his or herself is no where near as dangerous as both at the same time. And, as you might expect from a giant Adam West-esque bomb in the center of the room, this is a timed, dual boss fight. I hate you too, Enix.  Hah! 30 seconds! A new record for me. Anyways, Will reverts to normal and attempts to assess the situation concerning the bomb himself rather than... y'know, untying/cutting Erik free and just running away. That's too easy. Let's see here...   Hmm. This is hard! ... Wait a second! There was ANOTHER hero in the exact same situation once!  OF COURSE! I'll cut BOTH AT THE SAME TIME!  Seriously, why don't more people consider that as a viable option?  Oh. Right. I almost forgot you. And somehow, Erik got down here... hey, wait a second! What the hell?! How'd you get down here?! This area was FLOODED and... oh, forget it. I'm sure whatever stupid explanation you gave me, it'd only hurt my head more.  OH! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Can't you people just DIE AND STAY DEAD FOR ONCE?! Geeeeez... Well! Find out next time when we enter level 4 and get into a - you guessed it - FILLER ARC! YAAAAY! |
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Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger. | |
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| Sean | Aug 31 2009, 03:06 PM Post #10 |
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The ⑥of Four Against Nature
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YAY! FILLING! |
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