Viewing Single Post From: Jeff's Bad Movie Commentary!

Viewing Single Post From: Jeff's Bad Movie Commentary!
Jeff	Aug 26 2008, 11:10 PM
Destroyer of Worlds Posts: 1,401 Group: Four Against Nature Member #3 Joined: Jul 6, 2008 Quote I don't REALLY want to destroy the world. I just need a vacation.	Jeff: We should watch a bad movie! Katt: xDDD Katt: What bad movie do you have in mind? Jeff: Well, you've seen Plan 9, so how about the other one I had in mind - Fire Maidens from Outer Space? Katt: xDDDDD Katt: Or leech women Jeff: Ick. No. I'd rather not do that one again. It can STAY gone in the sands of time. Katt: xDDDD Katt: Wow, it's THAT bad? Jeff: It wasn't BAD Jeff: it was BORING Katt: Ah Jeff: Let me find the link and we'll begin Katt: lol Jeff: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPkoeXQV3cM Jeff: Pause and let it load. I might be a little slow, since I'm on AIM and Yahoo as well as the Den-O stuff. Jeff: and don't worry, I'll be editing this for typos and our full names, so you're in no danger Katt: xDDDD Katt: lol, wow....I'm already scared of the movie Jeff: Why? Katt: The intro Jeff: PAUSE it, silly Jeff: I told you Katt: lol Katt: ok Jeff: And besides, this is the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version Katt: -High on new medicine- Jeff: Well, keep sane enough to sit through it with me. Katt: :3 Jeff: Anyways, it's loaded well enough. Ready to begin? Katt: yep Jeff: 3 Jeff: 2 Jeff: 1 Jeff: GO! Katt: !! Jeff: Wow, this was at the start of the series Jeff: The evil scientist guy looks like Weird Al... Katt: He does! Jeff: ROBOT ROLL CALL! Jeff: CamBot! Gypsy! Tom Servo! CROOOOOW! Katt: lol Jeff: It's just a show - I should really just relax... Jeff: Teaching robots about posture? Jeff: That AI voice reminds me of GLaDOS Jeff: Except kind Jeff: Oh, right. Every week they exchanged inventions they came up with. Katt: ok Jeff: A giant checkbook? Jeff: Wow Katt: xD Jeff: And a giant pen... Jeff: A dark Crow? Jeff: You can make Crow MORE evil? Katt: xDDDDDDDDD Jeff: A shoe made of cheese? Jeff: Beautiful. Katt: @___@ Wouldn't you worry about dogs trying to eat your shoes? Jeff: Of. Fire Maidens of Outer Space. Not from. Jeff: Well, there's no dogs on the Satellite of Love. Just Joel and his robots. Oh, and Mike, later on. Katt: yea Katt: Guess they would be handy if you got hungry Jeff: Except for Joel's facial reaction to it. Bleck Jeff: I love the robot's commentary. Jeff: Wow, there's even a specific part of the credits for the Fire Maidens. Jeff: At least it's a BIG step up from "The Creatures Who Got Tired of Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies"... Jeff: Cy Roth did an awful lot in this movie. Jeff: Kinda like Plan 9 and Eddy D. Wood Jr... Jeff: Plan 13?! Seriously?! Jeff: They really DID just say Plan 13, didn't they? Katt: Yep Katt: lol Jeff: Wow... Katt: @__@ Katt: little annoying with their heads in the way Jeff: Now for part 2. Let it load. Katt: ok Jeff: Well, trust me, in some of these movies, their heads being in the way is the climax. Katt: xDDD Jeff: M'kay, so, basically, the American ambassador is in ahem England, to talk with the British government about some "Plan 13" that somehow relates to outer space. Katt: pretty much Jeff: Well, heck, why not? "Maid in Manhattan" made it to #1 in the box office. This is gold comparatively speaking! Katt: lol Katt: I saw that Katt: IT sucked Jeff: I know. Jeff: That's my point. Jeff: M'kay, ready for the next part? Katt: yep Jeff: 3 Jeff: 2 Jeff: 1 Jeff: GO! Jeff: If they're in England, why are they driving on the right side at the start of that one scene? Katt: xDDDD Major goof Jeff: That was a LOT of driving, even if it was only 3 scenes... Jeff: Okay, so there's supposedly a 13th moon around Jupiter? And it's life-supporting? Jeff: Seriously? That far from the sun and it supports life? YOU PHAIL SCIENCE FOREVER! Katt: Jeff: Three weeks to reach Jupiter? Seriously? Katt: PHAIL! Katt: x 3 Jeff: Which reminds me, Spore comes out next week. Jeff: Random lady who takes her sweet time coming on-set... oh, and she's not a Fire Maiden. That's a let down. Katt: xDDDD Katt: You know, I don't think there are many black and white movies you can take seriously Jeff: Fire Maiden sounds like a Yu-Gi-Oh card anyways. That's why I picked it. Katt: I CHOOSE YOU FIRE MAIDEN! Katt: -Couldn't remember Yugioh chant thing- Jeff: Chant? You mean the transformation sequence thing? Katt: Yea Katt: Thing Katt: @_@ Jeff: He just yells Jeff: YU-GI-OOOOOOOH! Jeff: Anyways, now a lot of scientists are launching a shuttle, apparently. Jeff: All these strange, wordless scenes are unnervingly reminiscent of Manos: The Hands of Fate. Katt: Did that say American British? Jeff: That rocket looks like a dart... Jeff: And I think it did. Katt: @__@ Jeff: That makes no sense. Katt: agreed Jeff: American - use slang a lot. British - use a lot of unnecessary vowels. Jeff: Random military officials. Jeff: Expedition 13? Okay, so it's not Plan 13. Katt: I still think they said plan 13 earlier Jeff: They probably did. That makes it funnier. Katt: yep Jeff: The stars move like a string of lights moving behind the dart. Katt: xD Jeff: Plus they forget transmissions take time from as far as Mars, let alone Jupiter. Katt: PHAIL x 4 Jeff: And now, for no reason, they all lost control of the ship. Katt: lol Jeff: And that one lever seems to do EVERYTHING on the ship! Jeff: Anyways, time for part 3. Jeff: At least this movie is going somewhere. In The Leech Woman no one even died 'til part 6 or 7. Katt: lol Katt: Let me know when you are ready Jeff: It's loading slowly. Just a sec. Katt: Also, I have to finish taking pictures so I am going to watch it from the floor, so my responses will be lapsed Jeff: That's fine. Jeff: When I first started these, I was watching the movies alone, and just commenting on them. Katt: Well, now you have me to watch movies with Jeff: Right. I usually try to switch victi-- assistants with each new movie. Cog-Sean wants to do "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians" which he promises is every bit as bad as it sounds. Katt: lol Katt: I can't wait to read that one Jeff: This is taking a bit, I'm gonna go make popcorn and get a Mt. Dew Katt: -Can picture Santa clause tossing presents at Martians- Katt: Ok Jeff: Okay, ready? Katt: ok Jeff: 3 Jeff: 2 Jeff: 1 Jeff: GO! Jeff: Those asteroids look like popcorn... Jeff: The asteroids in the asteroid belt have enormous space between them and are moving about as fast as the Earth is around the sun... Jeff: MORE RANDOM LEVER MOVING! Jeff: What the heck? The dialogue here makes absolutely no sense. Ice machines and wives and... what? Jeff: Break time! Jeff: There's a lot of dead air in this movie. Katt: lol Jeff: A double entendre! Jeff: Crow loves the perverted jokes. Jeff: "She built like a brick shi--... sh-showboat! Showboat..." Katt: xDDDDDDDDDDDD Jeff: More dead air. Where are the Fire Maidens? Jeff: Those guys are sitting in formation like the Power Rangers or something. Jeff: Aliens speak English in pleasant, albeit monotone, North American accents! Katt: =OOOO EGADS!! THEY ARE AMERICAN ALIENS! Jeff: And they use the same measurements as us! How convenient! Katt: xDDD They should use Metric that is more common Jeff: Part 4 Jeff: The only way this is gonna get interesting quickly is if the lead astronaut leaps out of the shuttle and yells "ORE SANJOU!" Katt: xDD Jeff: Ready? Katt: yep Jeff: 3 Jeff: 2 Jeff: 1 Jeff: GO Jeff: What the--? Jeff: The rocket landing was the single-most awkward I've ever seen. Jeff: ... a ladder? They lowered a ladder... by hand? Jeff: Well, whatever... they're on the 13 moon of Jupiter... which looks a lot like... umm... Iowa. Jeff: I love the musical numbers that Joel and the others do... Jeff: C'mon, we're like 35 minutes in. Where are some women on FIRE?! Katt: xDDDD Jeff: Are all these wordless running scenes needed? Katt: Didn't you know, Iowa is a copy of Jupiter Jeff: OF COURSE! It makes SO MUCH SENSE! Katt: xD Jeff: Random statue of... a woman... Jeff: Of a very SKINNY woman. Katt: No food on Jupiter so of course they would be skinny Jeff: No BBWs? Wow, that's depressing... Katt: xDD Jeff: Adjusts his cap Katt: Nope, only size 0 girls Jeff: ... what? Jeff: They hear a woman scream in terror Jeff: and he says Katt: On Jupiter Jeff: "This could be very important." Jeff: With zero inflection. Jeff: Here's something I never thought I'd see in this movie - a man interested in a woman. Katt: xDDDDDDDD Katt: Wow, just shooting without aiming Katt: She looks like Cassandra Katt: or Sophitia Jeff: And she's just like Sophitia from Soul Cal Jeff: ... Katt: xDDDDDDD Jeff: Wow, we just synchronized. Jeff: Eerie. Katt: "OMG! IT'S SOPHITIA FROM SOUL CAL!!" Katt: "How did she get on Jupiter?" Jeff: Didn't you know? Grecian MILFs can fly. Katt: xDDDDDD Jeff: It's kinda like mystical floaty anime powahs. Katt: Hence the cape Jeff: Indeed. Jeff: THIS IS SO OBVIOUSLY NOT A TRAP! Katt: "Hold my purse" Jeff: Yeah, I know, right? Katt: lol Jeff: They know NOTHING about the inhabitants on this planet, but they're following her just because she has a chest. Katt: The chest has mystical voodoo powers Katt: All men fall under their control Jeff: Either that or men are just incredibly dumb. Katt: lol Jeff: Maybe a bit of both. Jeff: Be right back, bathroom break. Katt: ok Jeff: M'kay. I'm back. Ready? Katt: yep Jeff: 3 Jeff: 2 Jeff: 1 Jeff: GO Katt: Wow, they caught up fast Jeff: Yeah. REALLY fast. Jeff: Random Grecian architecture and... electricity. Katt: DUN DUN DUUUUUNN! Jeff: And now ATLANTIS?! Katt: BUT WAIT! Katt: How did Atlantis get on Jupiter? Jeff: He's the last male? What happened to the others? Katt: Women killed them Katt: screwed entire species Jeff: And not in the good way. Katt: lol Katt: I can totally see where this movie is going Katt: Now the women are going to rape all the men so that they species can survive Katt: G rated movie is going to become X rated porno Jeff: "Fire Maidens" kind of gives me some really BAD mental images. Katt: lol Jeff: Some sort of indestructible man-beast creature? What the heck? Katt: Technically, if he is the last male. He should be on a pedestal since he is the last one Jeff: "Food and drink will provide sustenance." Profound. Jeff: Wait, the guy just threw his daughter - a princess - on some random Earth guy? Katt: Again, they need to reproduce Katt: or become extinct Jeff: ... ALL of those are HIS daughters? Jeff: Holy hell, man. Katt: Busy busy man Katt: God Katt: I pity his wife Katt: @___@ Jeff: Wow. I'm stunned, really. Katt: "These are my daughters, I use them as slaves" Jeff: Yeah, basically. Jeff: Alcohol breeds stupidity. Katt: "One will be waiting in each of your rooms": Jeff: I know, right? Katt: How did they get alcohol on Jupiter? Jeff: No idea. Katt: PHAIL x 100 Katt: Evil toaster Jeff: Yeah... Jeff: Crow's throwing a temper tantrum... Jeff: See? Even Joel noticed the two-level control thing. Katt: xDD Katt: Looks like a toaster Jeff: Kinda. Katt: They should put bubble gum in the one guy Jeff: Tom Servo? Actually, Joel mentioned that too. Katt: xDD Jeff: Oh my God. Jeff: Back to the movie! Jeff: Tom Servo still has that crank in this head. Jeff: Now for some... umm... random dancing? Jeff: I was REALLY hoping their heads would be on fire... Katt: None of them are wearing bras Katt: But I guess they don't have bras on Jupiter Jeff: How can you te--... oh. Katt: xDDDD Katt: I can TELL Katt: It's not THAT hard to tell Katt: lol Katt: Or Fred Estaire Jeff: Bizarre. Jeff: Crow has a really BAD falsetto. Jeff: M'kay! Time to load up part 6 Katt: k Jeff: This entire scene is basically fanservice. Jeff: But with a name like "Fire Maidens of Outer Space", I should've figured. Katt: Still haven't gotten the fire part of that Jeff: I know, I'm disappointed. Jeff: I'm telling you, their heads should be on fire. Y'know, like Ghost Rider. Katt: xDDD Jeff: THAT would be awesome. Jeff: Okay, ready? Katt: yep Jeff: M'kay. Jeff: 3 Jeff: 2 Jeff: 1 Jeff: GO! Jeff: I see Paris! I see France! Jeff: My theory - if a guy tries to get it on with one of these ahem Fire Maidens, they die a horrible death that... knowing these movies, has nothing to do with fire. Katt: xDDD Katt: But they die with a smile on their face Jeff: Probably. Jeff: Like Zoidberg. Jeff: And rather than expressing concern for their friends like a NORMAL person, the three other guys just leave 'em. Katt: yep Katt: Looks like a small hulk Jeff: Yeah. With no hair. Katt: @__@ The hulk has hair?? Jeff: Yep. Katt: -Never seen Hulk- Jeff: Green, but hair is present. Jeff: -Marvel Comics nerd- Katt: -hugs- Jeff: -hugs- Jeff: My philosophy is "If it's too good to be true, it probably isn't"... Jeff: And if I landed on a planet full of beautiful, wanting women, I'd be very, very concerned... Katt: Sexy time Jeff: Okay, the lead girl is Sophitia. Jeff: That's my nickname for her. Jeff: Yes, one of my usual habits in these is nicknaming the characters. Katt: Fits her Jeff: To sustain life, there must be water. If ALL their drinks are alcohol, that might explain the lack of men. Jeff: Alcohol poisoning... and men are dumb. Katt: xDD Katt: Bloody mary mix Jeff: No way, that woke him up. Has to be Mt. Dew. Jeff: Don't aliens usually have super powers? Jeff: If their only power is speaking English... well, boring. Katt: Wow, so they just decided to leave the Earth and go to a different planet Katt: brilliant Katt: screw you Katt: That's what he is thinking Jeff: Yeah... Jeff: "How do I... umm... yeah." Jeff: Obvious sentiment. Jeff: Random harem moment, apparently. Katt: He gets 4 girls Katt: other guy only gets 1 Katt: guy got jipped Jeff: Totally. Katt: Guess they figure he can handle 4 Jeff: You have two guesses to guess the gender of the director of this movie. And the first one doesn't count. Katt: xDDDDD Katt: That one girl looks old Katt: like.....a good bit older than the rest Jeff: Nothing wrong with that <.<; Katt: No, but look at the age of the others Katt: compare her to them Jeff: Yeah, kinda. Time to load part 7. Jeff: Why does Jupiter not have BBWs? Jeff: Ready? Katt: yea Jeff: 3 Jeff: 2 Jeff: 1 Jeff: GO Jeff: So, that thing is the man-beast thingy that the old guy was talking about, huh? Jeff: Looks like some old guy with a beard Jeff: "We'll stay here 'til noon." "NOOOO!!!" Jeff: Back down the ladder. Jeff: Random, wordless talking scenes Jeff: Blabbing on again... Jeff: Why is she not on fire yet? Jeff: Aaaand... the old guy kicked the bucket? Jeff: Looks like he's wearing a rather thick sweater Jeff: Gas grenade? They brought GAS GRENADES to Jupiter's alleged 13th moon? Jeff: Wait, so he's NOT a biological father, but more like an adoptive mentor? Jeff: Timmy's in there... Jeff: Blaire? Underwood? Marsha? MCCLOUD! Jeff: Time for part 8 to load. Jeff: Still with us, Katt? Katt: yep Jeff: Okay, good. Just making sure that the movie didn't bore you to death. Katt: lol Jeff: Ready? Katt: yep Jeff: 3 Jeff: 2 Jeff: 1 Jeff: Go! Jeff: Now the guy's in a tree... Jeff: This movie is surprisingly boring... even with the legion of Grecian MILFs... Jeff: And now, suddenly, they want in... men ARE idiots. Jeff: They lined the bloody wall with GUNPOWDER?! Jeff: Electrical charge? Electricity doesn't make plants EXPLODE! Jeff: That's HOW many scientific mistakes? 7? 8? Jeff: Sophitia hurries down the generic corridor. Jeff: SURPRISINGLY SUGGESTIVE KIDNAPPING SCENE! Jeff: Okay, maybe this movie is going to be good after all! Jeff: Tom Servo Vs. Timmy! Jeff: Break time! Jeff: What the--? Katt: xDD Katt: Aliens! Jeff: Aliens references! Katt: YES! Jeff: SHUT UP, TOM! Jeff: Beautiful. Jeff: Well, that's the end of Timmy, I guess. Jeff: WHOOOO! SHE'S ON FIRE! Jeff: About time! Jeff: I wonder if this is supposed to be metaphoric or something? Jeff: Aaand now... they've gone into "ALL MEN MUST BE KILLED" mode Jeff: Why do I keep feeling oddly like I'm watching Manos? Jeff: Still there? Katt: yes Jeff: M'kay, ready? Katt: yep Jeff: 4 Jeff: 3 Jeff: 2 Jeff: 1 Jeff: GO! Jeff: MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE! Jeff: SECRET PASSAGE! Jeff: Random wandering~ Jeff: Man, is the Puma Man on? Jeff: FAAAAANSERVICE! Jeff: Why are there no BBWs? That saddens me. Jeff: Oh, she's not ON fire, it's behind her. That saddens me even more. Jeff: He's wearing a sweater and sweatpants... Jeff: Come on, what kind of "Man-Beast" is that? Jeff: Sigh More random dancing. Jeff: Sadly, the writers probably conceived this as being the climax of the movie. Jeff: In case you can't tell, the guys are chanting "Bad, bad, bad film" Katt: xD Jeff: Last part! Let it load. Katt: k Jeff: So, basically... America and England notice a 13th moon around Jupiter, that has potential to sustain life. Stupid Anglo-American pricks go to said planet, but since they want to leave, this upsets the somewhat emotionally-volatile braless inhabitants and so they want to kill 'em all. Jeff: I want to complain but this is STILL better than Maid in Manhattan or Cloverfield. Katt: And Lost in Translation Jeff: Yeah Jeff: Ready? Katt: yep Jeff: 3 Jeff: 2 Jeff: 1 Jeff: GO! Jeff: What happened to the "Fire" in the title of this flick, anyways? Jeff: ... He was SUPPOSED to invincible... but he BURNS like tinder? What is this? Jeff: And now the humans just GRAB one ch1k a piece and leave all giggles-like, but just a moment ago, they wanted to KILL 'EM ALL?! Jeff: Yeah, and at least ONE of those guys was MARRIED to boot Jeff: And now the dude lives happily ever after and the rocket takes off in the single most Freudian ending EVER. Jeff: The robots have broke down and are crying now... Jeff: Joel seems fine, though Jeff: Oh my God Jeff: Timmy has the alien mouth Jeff: Predator reference? Jeff: Man... Katt: wow Jeff: Okay, so that was Fire Maidens of Outer Space. Now this is the time we briefly recap the movie and make our closing comments. Your thoughts? Katt: When she goes back Katt: She needs to take bras Katt: And more food Jeff: So, aliens are all skinny and lack undergarments. Katt: yep Katt: And speak English Jeff: Thank you, Mr. Cy Roth, thank you for dashing any and all hopes I may have had about alien species. Jeff: species Katt: For we have discovered they are JUST.LIKE.US. Jeff: Except minus bras. Katt: So there is no intelligent life out there Jeff: The universe is shivved. Katt: and bbws Jeff: Yes. Jeff: And for some reason, there was surprisingly little fire in the movie, except those torches in the background in that ONE ROOM in that ONE SCENE. Jeff: A more appropriate name would've been "Maidens of Outer Space" Jeff: or Jeff: "Braless Maidens of Jupiter's Imaginary 13th Moon" Katt: xDD Jeff: Also, they didn't harp much on Atlantis or that man-beast at all... like one-word summaries. It was kind of a let down in that regard. Jeff: Okay, your overall thoughts? Katt: sucked Katt: Still better than Lost in Translation Jeff: Yes... Jeff: I've seen much worse than this... but I've seen much better. Jeff: But, frankly, I liked Puma Man more than Fire Maidens. Jeff: Regardless, that wraps it up. G'night, everybody! Jeff: Say good night, Katt Katt: lol Katt: Good night Katt Jeff: Thank-- Jeff: ... you. Jeff: See you next time, faithful readers. Edited by Jeff*, Aug 26 2008, 11:15 PM.
	Come visit me and my thought processes at my website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/tdotdw/news.html "In the cold light, justice and morality always look corny and you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, society needs its heroes." - John Hart; actor who played The Lone Ranger.

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