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On the Case? / On Za Kesu
Topic Started: Apr 19 2008, 04:10 AM (405 Views)
J'Quan
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Well my new story. My old was too much like an anime. When you read this please reply with a rating out of 10 and how i can improve. I will take any suggestions.

Chapter 1: Joining the Case
As a boy stood in the hospital watching has his father bleed to death. Blood gushing on the floor and so many gun shots in his fathers head, chest, and legs. That was the day the boy soon began to develop his eyes. But that was 8 hours ago. Let’s start off at 6:00 in the morning as the boy was getting ready for school. This boy’s name was J’Quan Belu John but everyone called him J for short. He cornrows and was wearing a white shirt, following long blue jeans. He had dark skin and like the rest of the people in the world he had black eyes. Your eye color change’s once you develop your power but let’s get into that later. He was 19 year’s old and lived with his parents Rena and William Belu-John. They just got married 2 weeks ago but they already argue. He also lived with his little twin sister and Brother Jared and Jane. J was your average 19 year old boy heading on his way back to his high school Jubo Academy. He is supposed to be in college by now but he failed due to the lack of other studies. He was too interested in the computer and chatting with his friends, he lost sight of school. This year he was determined to pass and head to college. He always wanted to be a scientist, just to explore with things he couldn’t do at home. He always imagined things he could do when he was little but his dad always showed him he was wrong. He imagined frying skittles on a frying pan or deep frying chocolate in a deep fryer. But his dad always told him “Frying Skittles, would only cause the skittles to flatten like a pancake and it wouldn’t melt unless you left it on there for a long time, plus deep frying chocolate would only melt the chocolate and mess up your deep fryer” It seemed as if his dad was always pushing him down and telling him what he can’t do or how dumb he his. On his way to school his father had spoken to him.
“You’re not going to pass school so quit” Laughed his Father
“I will pass, and it won’t be with the help of you” Yelled J as he balled up his fist
“What are you going to strike me” Smiled William, he was tempting J
William was always like this though, always putting J down and J never ever liked him. To J, William was just someone who feed him and supported the house. J then un-balled his fist and began to walk out the door. William laughed at J until he left out of the house and J tried to ignore him as long as possible but J turned around and punched William in the face. William fell out on the floor and didn’t get up, J then smiled and left out of the house. He knew he was in trouble later when he would come home but he didn’t care. He had finally got William back, and he left a mark. J just kept walking to school but on his way a boy ran up to him. He had dark long spikey hair that came to his hat, plus a green shirt and blue shirts, wearing open toed shoes, had white skin and his eyes were black meaning he hadn’t found his power yet.
“Hello my name is Max” He Said as he smiled, I am new to Jubo Academy I was wondering can you tell me where it is
“Come with me” Smiled J was he scratched his head, I go there also
Max smiled as he walked with J but then again he was a little worried. Max was afraid of almost everything, especially meeting new people.
” I see you don’t have your eyes yet” Smiled J
“I am a late bloomer” Said Max worried as he rubbed his stomach and his stomach yelled back at him
“Are you hungry” Said J
Max was hungry, in fact he hadn’t eaten in 3 days but he was afraid that J could have poisoned it so he refused it.
“Nope, my stomach yells for no reason sometimes” Smiled Max
“Well the school is only 3 blocks ahead” Said J, it should only take 7 minutes
As they walked up the blocks no one made a word. J was to busy thinking about the trouble he would be in and Max was too afraid to talk. When they were entering the school they saw several police cars going in a different direction.
What’s that all about J said in his head? J and Max had the same classes so they entered the class together. There teacher was Mr. Lock and she introduced Max.
“Okay everyone this is our new student” Smiled Mr. Lock but while she was talking she was interrupted by the ring of someone’s phone. It was J’s phone so he walked outside the class and picked it up. When he did he heard screaming and crying.
“Hello” Whispered J
“Hey J” Giggled Jane
“What do you want I am in the middle of class” Whispered J
“Mommy is at the hospital but she wanted me to tell you come straight home right now” Said Jane
“What’s wrong” Yelled J as he was ready to come home
Jane hung up the phone on his so J had no choice but to run home but first he went to his locker and grabbed his duffle bag. When he got home he ran in the house and Jane was waiting for him.
“So what’s the up” Said J
“Well read this note” Said Jane, as he passed him a crumbled up piece of paper

Dear J,
This letter is from your mother Rena. Your Father was killed but we don’t know who did it. Well meet me at the local hospital behind your school, and don’t forget to take Jane with you, Jared is with me.
Sincerely
Mom

Jane climbed on J’s back and they ran to the hospital. Now we skip back to the part where J was in his father’s room as he watched him bleed to death. You would expect him to be crying but instead J was laughing, he hated his father and now that he was dead he was ready to get confidence. That’s the day J’s eyes turned blue. His hands turned into ice and his body’s inside were filled with 99% water. He was surprised to finally get his eyes and he was guessing blue eyes mean ice and water powers. The Ice then disappeared and so did some of the water in his body. His mother walked in the room so he stopped laughing and began to make himself cry.
“Can you do me a big favor” Cried Rena
“Sure mom anything for you” Smiled J, as he tried to cheer her up
“Your Fathers Mother is on the police force and I want you to join with her to try to solve this case” Cried Rena
J didn’t want to take the case but he would do anything for his mother. He never did anything to hurt or upset his mother.
“Sure mom” Smiled J anything for you
“You’ll Start Tomorrow” Cried Rena
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xoSammyRoxxo
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Favourite phrase: Sexi beast

7/10

Couple of mistakes but I like the plot. I literally struck me when the note said that his father was dead because I thought J would get busted soon enough. The errors are your spelling and punctuation.
It is, also, a bit of a Mary-Sue since this character is named after you and his features are practically yours (you told me a time ago that you were African-American).
And you didn't put enough expression-description and detail.

~Sammy
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J'Quan
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Heres the rest, you wil have to skip through chapters
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2510044/1 /On_The_Case
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Thundra


Um... 6/10. Way too many errors. the first word of the story wasn't even supposed to be there, in my opinion. It didn't sound right. I think you should go over and revise the whole thing, checking for grammar and spelling mistakes. the plot is okay though.
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