How To Kill Yourself Like A Boss [R16] Published in Tessera Today, Vol. 8[5]
*WARNING* R-16 I was applying for a job to become a suicide prevention counselor the other day when the guy interviewing me started b*tching about how boring his job had become and how the only people he ever hears from anymore are fourteen year-old girls who try to overdose on drugs after a huge break-up. YAWN. How about killing yourself with some style, huh? You only get to do it once anyway, so how about killing yourself like a boss? Here are some five epic ways to shove off your disgusting mortal coil. - #5: Eat Yourself to Death
Go to your local all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant and just dig in, you chunky son of a b*tch! Keep eating until you can't possibly eat anymore, then eat some more, and more, and more, ad infinitum. Your gut will rupture and you will sh*t yourself. The cool thing about this method is that it's not only disgusting to clean up, but you'll probably be so bloated from all that garbage you pass off as food that you probably won't fit in the casket without some serious reconstructive surgery. Guess who's footing the bill for that one? That's right – friends and family. Just kidding; you have no friends.
- #4: Strangle Yourself To Death
Strangling yourself with your own hands has long been thought impossible because when your body stops getting enough oxygen, you pass out and start breathing normally again. Passing out while you try to kill yourself is like failing at failing. You're the one who has to deal with the embarrassment of having the paramedics finding your dumb ass, passed out on the floor in a puddle of your own drool, as they begrudgingly take you to the hospital where the doctors would be so disappointed that one of them might try to strangle you themselves. And if they don't, give me a call; I will.
- #3: Decapitate Yourself With A Chainsaw
How many times have you tried to kill yourself with a razor blade by slashing up your wrists, only to be told "it's down the highway, not across the street"? Then you listen to this advice and cut up your arms like some amateur dip-sh*t who doesn't know what she's doing. Your boyfriend dumped you. You can't go on because you're the only person who has ever been dumped and this is the most painful thing that has happened to anyone who has lived fourteen consecutive years; it's time for the solace that only self-decapitation with a rusty chainsaw can bring you. Make sure to go all the way through the spinal column.
- #2: Ice Cream Surprise
Spoon out your eyes with the ice cream scooper and replace them with your favorite ice cream flavor. Then, using any of the methods above, kill yourself. Your family may hate the suicide, but everyone loves ice cream!
- #1: Have An Orgy With Monsters
You're only going to die once, and if you're hell-bent on doing that, this is the only way you will be remembered for generations on end. Everyone would probably die from one reason or another, and some might use the methods I already mentioned above; but these things don't hold a candle to having a godd*mn blood orgy with inhuman abominations twice your size and would most likely kill you in the process. You might die a horrible death while getting your knob polished, but that's nothing compared to the satisfaction of being the first and only person in the history of the whole f*cking world to get offed while f*cking monsters. Eat demon sh*t, Nietzsche!
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