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Topic Started: Apr 17 2008, 07:23 AM (155 Views)
Iota
Chelsea Dagger
It seems my government packets tend to get a bit tangential, wanting me to watch TV, fiddle with the knob of a radio and pose the antenna like some kind of futuristic supermodel robot mannequin (It’s certainly thin enough), and now venture into Blockbuster, a place I swore off when they had the gall to charge me for failing to remember to return the Scarface video game, but in my wholehearted defense, the game was pretty forgettable. Right, then, “The Patriot.” The movie takes place in the late 18th century. The story’s focused on one Benjamin Martin, played out by our favorite Scottish freedom fighter, rampant Christianity proponent, and occasional NUTJOB, Mel Gibson, and I have to hand it to him, he did play the role pretty fantastically, as I’d hope he would, it’s why he’s given the seven-figure paychecks, which he’ll no doubt use to line his mansion with gargoyles or something.

Well, I’m into the second paragraph, and I haven’t even done much towards the actual goal of the assignment, perhaps watching all that British comedy recently wasn’t exactly helping RESOLVE my tendency to ramble in an incoherent manner, but what the hey, it seems to amuse Kim enough, so let’s just roll with it, and get to the plot. The story goes that Benjamin is a French and Indian War veteran, raising his seven children alone on a farm, when his eldest, Gabriel, played by Heath Ledger, was eager to earn glory on the battlefield of the Revolution, along with dysentery, and post-traumatic stress disorder. All that Heath had to look forward to after that was being a gay cowboy, the Joker, and a corpse, in order, so maybe this was a sign of his habit of making bad decisions.

Like the obvious brainchild he is, he disregards his father’s warning, and joins up anyway, and, amusingly enough, becomes prisoner to the British. I must say, I always support well-deserved punishments in media, and I don’t think that society as a whole would bat an eyelash if his father came to him as he was being strung up on the gallows, and shouted I TOLD YOU SO with all the glee of an elementary school know-it-all. This act of rampant stupidity finally sets off Benjamin, who, joined by two of his other sons in an act that made me scratch my head as to the lesson NOT BEING LEARNED HERE, sets off to free Gabriel. Upon coming to rescue the boy, it’s now that we see Mel tap into his vast tanks of crazy, as he proceeds to eviscerate British troops, and possibly even the occasional passerby with a knife, Tomahawk, toothbrush, and copy of the Poor Farmer’s Almanac, gutripper edition, which unsurprisingly left a jarring impression upon his three sons.

Obviously infected with stupidity as if it were some kind of virus, Gabriel rejoins, stating that it’s his duty, and this act of sheer bravado made me bury my head in my hands, and pretend I was watching Ocean’s Eleven or something, because when a character is this stupid, you just want to reach into the screen, and beat him to death with his own rifle. But Benjamin, I suppose not wanting to look like a bad father for not being able to control his son, and not for the million or so other reasons actually agrees to JOIN him! I guess the last act of werewolf rage opened up the crazy valves to full blast, I just hope his son isn’t surprised when he finds Ben drinking the blood of some poor sap who had the bad sense to be born British.

It seems the British took offense to this, and enlisted the creepy little girl from Firestarter to enact revenge, burning down Ben’s plantation, and then Gabriel’s wife and her family as they’re locked in a church, which spurs young Gabriel to essentially go running into a bayonet. Afterwards, it’s pretty straightforward, Benjamin turns into the Revolutionary Hulk, and faces off in a climactic duel with local wartime bully Colonel William Tavington. I think we can figure out what happens next. (Spoiler: The bad guy dies.)

Overall, a good movie, you have to love a good vivisection in a film, the action was solid, and the patriotic message ran thick like the apple pies and trumpet crescendos that fueled the whole thing. I understand the message that they’re communicating, and the sacrifice and all of that nonsense, but it’s dampened as I put on my jade glasses and see that Gabriel was so thick as to never learn his lesson. I suppose you could argue that he was genuinely fighting for the freedom of his fellow man, but then again, you’re most likely a well balanced person, and I’m a jaded misanthrope who laughs when fat people fall and can’t get up.

Edited by Iota, Apr 17 2008, 07:32 AM.
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