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You left the Abuser, Now What?
Topic Started: Aug 16 2015, 03:04 PM (573 Views)
Doctor Magnus Warlock
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As all can see, it was never about racism.

The poor Cap'n is mad because he is simply not popular here.
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Doctor Magnus Warlock
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I pulled this from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

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About Us

For nearly 20 years, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has been the vital link to safety for women, men, children and families affected by domestic violence. With the help of our dedicated advocates and staff, we respond to calls 24/7, 365 days a year.

We provide confidential, one-on-one support to each caller and chatter, offering crisis intervention, options for next steps and direct connection to sources for immediate safety. Our database holds over 5,000 agencies and resources in communities all across the country. Bilingual advocates are on hand to speak with callers, and our Language Line offers translations in 170+ different languages.

The Hotline is an excellent source of help for concerned friends, family, co-workers and others seeking information and guidance on how to help someone they know. We work to educate communities all over through events, campaigns, and dynamic partnerships with companies ranging from The Avon Foundation to Verizon. Today, The Hotline is continuing to grow and explore new avenues of service.


http://www.thehotline.org/
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Doctor Magnus Warlock
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More from from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

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What Is Safety Planning?

A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that includes ways to remain safe while in a relationship, planning to leave, or after you leave. Safety planning involves how to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action and more.

At the hotline we safety plan with victims, friends and family members — anyone who is concerned about their own safety or the safety of someone else.

A good safety plan will have all of the vital information you need and be tailored to your unique situation, and will help walk you through different scenarios.

Although some of the things that you outline in your safety plan may seem obvious, it’s important to remember that in moments of crisis your brain doesn’t function the same way as when you are calm. When adrenaline is pumping through your veins it can be hard to think clearly or make logical decisions about your safety. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you to protect yourself in those stressful moments.

Types of Safety Planning

Safety While Living with an Abusive Partner

- Identify your partner’s use and level of force so that you can assess the risk of physical danger to you and your children before it occurs.

- Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and there are ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.

- Don’t run to where the children are, as your partner may hurt them as well.

- If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target. Dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined.

- If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know what numbers to call for help. Know where the nearest public phone is located. -

- Know the phone number to your local shelter. If your life is in danger, call the police.

- Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help.

- Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal to them that they should get help or leave the house.

- Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you, nor they, are at -fault or are the cause of the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to stay safe.

- Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.

- Plan for what you will do if your children tells your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.

- Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.

- Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and others locked — for a quick escape.

- Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you.

- Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.

Safety Planning with Children

If you are in an abusive relationship, a safety plan should include ways that your children can stay safe when violence is happening in your home. It’s key to remember that if the violence is escalating, you should avoid running to the children because your partner may hurt them as well.

Planning for Violence in the Home

- Teach your children when and how to call 911.

- Instruct them to leave the home if possible when things begin to escalate, and where they can go.

- Come up with a code word that you can say when they need to leave the home in case of an emergency — make sure that they know not to tell others what the secret word means.

- In the house: identify a room they can go to when they’re afraid and something they can think about when they’re scared.

- Instruct them to stay out of the kitchen, bathroom and other areas where there are items that could be used as weapons.

- Teach them that although they want to protect their parent, they should never intervene.

-Help them make a list of people that they are comfortable talking with and expressing themselves to.

- Enroll them in a counseling program. Local service providers often have children’s programs.

Planning for Unsupervised Visits


If you have separated from an abusive partner and are concerned for your childrens’ safety when they visit your ex, developing a safety plan for while they are visiting can be beneficial.

- Brainstorm with your children (if they are old enough) to come up with ways that they can stay safe using the same model as you would for your own home. Have them identify where they can get to a phone, how they can leave the house, and who they can go to.

- If it’s safe to do, send a cell phone with the children to be used in emergency situations — this can be used to call 911, a neighbor or you if they need aid.

Planning for Safe Custody Exchanges

- Avoid exchanging custody at your home or your partner’s home.

-Meet in a safe, public place such as a restaurant, a bank/other area with lots of cameras, or even near a police station.

- Bring a friend or relative with you to the exchanges, or have them make the exchange.

- Perhaps plan to have your partner pick the children up from school at the end of the day after you drop them off in the morning – this eliminates the chances of seeing each other.

- Emotional safety plan as well – figure out something to do before the exchange to calm any nerves you’re feeling, and something after to focus on yourself or the kids, such as going to a park or doing a fun activity.

How to Have These Conversations

Let your child know that what’s happening is not their fault and that they didn’t cause it. Let them know how much you love them and that you support them no matter what. Tell them that you want to protect them and that you want everyone to be safe, so you have to come up with a plan to use in case of emergencies. It’s important to remember that when you’re safety planning with a child, they might tell this information to the abusive partner, which could make the situation more dangerous (ex. “Mom said to do this if you get angry.”) When talking about these plans with your child, use phrases such as “We’re practicing what to do in an emergency,” instead of “We’re planning what you can do when dad/mom becomes violent.”



http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/#tab-id-1
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cisslybee2012
The REBEL
Quote:
 
Change your children's schools. Your ex partner will always have a way of finding you and you children if he knows where they go to school. He may turn up and try to catch you as you collect or drop off the children, or he may even try to snatch them himself. If you do have to keep the children at their old schools, make sure that the staff know the situation and understand that they must only allow the children to leave with you or a person who is nominated by you in person.
Changing schools won't do the trick, because the school system itself the father or husband can track and find them. I know this personally from my cousin in law who often made attempts to leave my cousin who was beating her daily.

She always relocated to another state but he tracked her down every time through the school system. So in this case, I would say that it's necessary to change the kids name too. With different social security numbers to make them untraceable.

Though I say that the best way of all is not to run from him to begin with. Don't even go there and handle your business. There's no reason a mother should be running anywhere with her kids. Women just gotta break the habit of protecting the man and handle their business. The system can't protect her if she's gonna protect him and go running from him like a fugitive. How you gonna protective yourself and your attacker? This women gotta learn to stop doing.

Women swing the ax on themselves protecting their man when he's attacking her.
Edited by cisslybee2012, Aug 16 2015, 06:58 PM.
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Doctor Magnus Warlock
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This is pretty thorough stuff.

Quote:
 
Leaving a Relationship

Preparing to Leave

Because violence could escalate when someone tries to leave, here are some things to keep in mind before you leave:

- Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures of injuries.

- Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made, if possible. Keep your journal in a safe place.

- Know where you can go to get help. Tell someone what is happening to you.

- If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.

- Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them, like a room with a lock or a friend’s house where they can go for help. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.

- Contact your local shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis.

- WomensLaw.org has state by state legal information.

- Acquire job skills or take courses at a community college as you can.

- Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.


When you Leave

Make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly. You may request a police escort or stand-by when you leave. If you have to leave in a hurry, use the following list of items as a guide to what you need to bring with you. Our advocates can help you come up with a personalized safety plan for leaving.

1) Identification

- Driver’s license

- Birth certificate and children’s birth certificates

- Social security cards

- Financial information

- Money and/or credit cards (in your name)

- Checking and/or savings account books

2) Legal Papers

- Protective order

- Copies of any lease or rental agreements, or the deed to your home

- Car registration and insurance papers

- Health and life insurance papers

- Medical records for you and your children

- School records

- Work permits/green Card/visa

- Passport

- Divorce and custody papers

- Marriage license

3) Emergency Numbers

- Your local police and/or sheriff’s department

- Your local domestic violence program or shelter

- Friends, relatives and family members

- Your local doctor’s office and hospital

- County and/or District Attorney’s Office

4) Other

- Medications

- Extra set of house and car keys

- Valuable jewelry

- Pay-as-you-go cell phone

-Address book

- Pictures and sentimental items

- Several changes of clothes for you and your children

- Emergency money

After You Leave

Your safety plan should include ways to ensure your continued safety after leaving an abusive relationship. Here are some safety precautions to consider:

-Change your locks and phone number.

- Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

- Change your work hours and the route you take to work.

- Change the route taken to transport children to school or consider changing your children’s schools.

- Alert school authorities of the situation.

- If you have a restraining order, keep a certified copy of it with you at all times, and inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.

- Call law enforcement to enforce the order and give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.

- Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail (be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports, and be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number).

- Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of.

- Use different stores and frequent different social spots.

-Alert neighbors and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.

- Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible.

- Install a motion sensitive lighting system.

- Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.

- Tell people who take care of your children or drive them/pick them up from school and activities. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.



http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/#tab-id-8
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Doctor Magnus Warlock
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cisslybee2012
Aug 16 2015, 06:57 PM
Quote:
 
Change your children's schools. Your ex partner will always have a way of finding you and you children if he knows where they go to school. He may turn up and try to catch you as you collect or drop off the children, or he may even try to snatch them himself. If you do have to keep the children at their old schools, make sure that the staff know the situation and understand that they must only allow the children to leave with you or a person who is nominated by you in person.
Changing schools won't do the trick, because the school system itself the father or husband can track and find them. I know this personally from my cousin in law who often made attempts to leave my cousin who was beating her daily.

She always relocated to another state but he tracked her down every time through the school system.
So in this case, I would say that it's necessary to change the kids name too. With different social security numbers to make them untraceable.

Though I say that the best way of all is not to run from him to begin with. Don't even go there and handle your business. There's no reason a mother should be running anywhere with her kids. Women just gotta break the habit of protecting the man and handle their business. The system can't protect her if she's gonna protect him and go running from him like a fugitive. How you gonna protective yourself and your attacker? This women gotta learn to stop doing.

Women swing the ax on themselves protecting their man when he's attacking her.
Did the schools know about her situation of abuse?

If abuse was legally documented, would a school be obligated to reveal information to a father?
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cisslybee2012
The REBEL
Doctor Saul Santiago
Aug 16 2015, 07:07 PM
cisslybee2012
Aug 16 2015, 06:57 PM
Quote:
 
Change your children's schools. Your ex partner will always have a way of finding you and you children if he knows where they go to school. He may turn up and try to catch you as you collect or drop off the children, or he may even try to snatch them himself. If you do have to keep the children at their old schools, make sure that the staff know the situation and understand that they must only allow the children to leave with you or a person who is nominated by you in person.
Changing schools won't do the trick, because the school system itself the father or husband can track and find them. I know this personally from my cousin in law who often made attempts to leave my cousin who was beating her daily.

She always relocated to another state but he tracked her down every time through the school system.
So in this case, I would say that it's necessary to change the kids name too. With different social security numbers to make them untraceable.

Though I say that the best way of all is not to run from him to begin with. Don't even go there and handle your business. There's no reason a mother should be running anywhere with her kids. Women just gotta break the habit of protecting the man and handle their business. The system can't protect her if she's gonna protect him and go running from him like a fugitive. How you gonna protective yourself and your attacker? This women gotta learn to stop doing.

Women swing the ax on themselves protecting their man when he's attacking her.
Did the schools know about her situation of abuse?

If abuse was legally documented, would a school be obligated to reveal information to a father?
I don't know. All I know for sure is that he was able to find her every time by tracking the kids through the school system. It was never a school but the school system he was able to find which school the kids were in.
Edited by cisslybee2012, Aug 16 2015, 07:15 PM.
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Doctor Magnus Warlock
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Using an ax may not be a bad move.

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Ax-Throwing Woman Scares Burglars Away
NOVEMBER 14, 2013 COMMENTS OFF

Posted Image

This is possibly the best news story from last week.

Authorities say a woman and former tomahawk-throwing champion was home alone when a pair of burglars (one of whom was apparently caught) sneaked into her residence in southern California. Robin Irvine was awakened when one of them reportedly attempted to remove a watch from her wrist, but she screamed, spooking him and his buddy into fleeing. Grabbing her axe and wearing only her underwear and a t-shirt, she reportedly chased both men out of her house. According to Irvine, all it would have taken is a quick throw of the axe into the would-be thief’s back to paralyze him for life. Fortunately for him, she practiced self-restraint.



http://www.patrol-log.com/2013/11/14/article-ax-throwing-woman-scares-burglars-away/
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cisslybee2012
The REBEL
I don't think my cousin in law ever put my cousin's violence on record, which was protecting her attacker. And she eventually gave up running and lived with him beating her everyday. Which I respect her for because she never once considered abandoning her kids. She refused to part from them which I admire about her very much. This relationship didn't officially end until their kids became adults and started defending their mother. They ganged up whooped his ass every time he jumped in her face, which is what prompted him to start packing. He left and never returned when he found out that he couldn't beat her up anymore.

It turns out that what she put up with for 30 years he couldn't deal with for 30 days. He wasn't having his ass being beaten so he packed his shit and walked. And never went back. That just goes to show that she could have solved the problem by standing up to him instead of protecting him and running. And a funny thing happened after it was over. My mom asked him why did he beat his wife, and he said he don't know.
Edited by cisslybee2012, Aug 16 2015, 07:42 PM.
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Doctor Magnus Warlock
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cisslybee2012
Aug 16 2015, 07:38 PM
I don't think my cousin in law ever put my cousin's violence on record, which was protecting her attacker. And she eventually gave up running and lived with him beating her everyday. Which I respect her for because she never once considered abandoning her kids. She refused to part from them which I admire about her very much. This relationship didn't officially end until their kids became adults and started defending their mother. They ganged up whooped his ass every time he jumped in her face, which is what prompted him to start packing. He left and never returned when he found out that he couldn't beat her up anymore.

It turns out that what she put up with for 30 years he couldn't deal with for 30 days. He wasn't having his ass being beaten so he packed his shit and walked. And never went back.
That just goes to show that she could have solved the problem by standing up to him instead of protecting him and running. And a funny thing happened after it was over. My mom asked him why did he beat his wife, and he said he don't know.
Damn......

Yeah, the most abusive people tend to have the lowest pain threshold.

He beat her because he could, and when faced with resistance (the adult offspring), he stopped & moved on.

We need to empower our young girls early on to avoid stuff like this.
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