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god save the flies
Topic Started: Jun 10 2009, 06:04 AM (219 Views)
Avery_Rayne
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CONVERSATION COP
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A two-second inspiration after I - you guessed it - smashed a fly. God knows where it came from (the inspiration, not the fly - I know where the fly came from), something so trivial. Tell me what you think, or shoot me for posting it so soon after writing it.

They don’t die until they’re on the computer screen. It’s a rule of thumb, imprinted to the soles of shoes and palms of hands. They flick and flit about until you have the cup pressing your palm, breath ragged and hooking your esophagus from the chase, from the release, from the tension, and then it pauses. Just. Pauses. Without thought, it places its life in the balance. It…relaxes. And you seize the chance, full of excitement and words and unspeakable obscenities, bursting with it even, and then – and then it dies. The bones don’t crunch and there are no screams and the body does not deform in your sight – you have no proof, no justification, and no pride to muster – but when you pull the cup away, there it is, smashed to your computer screen.
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bjullie
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This is...interesting. I never thought about writing about smashing a fly. :)

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breath ragged and hooking your esophagus from the chase,


Would your breath really be ragged from chasing a fly? Unless this is supposed to be dramatic, then ignore that.

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And you seize the chance, full of excitement and words and unspeakable obscenities, bursting with it even, and then – and then it dies.


I don't think it ever is said that you use the cup to kill the fly, so maybe put that in. It kind of sounds like the fly pauses, then you seize the chance, and then it just drops dead.

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and the body does not deform in your sight


"In your sight" sounds a little clunky. Maybe cut it or rephrase it?

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bursting with it even


What exactly does that mean? I kind of get it, but I kind of don't. Like you're about to kill it, and you're all ready?


Interesting!




Edited by bjullie, Jun 14 2009, 11:43 AM.
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