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Bow down to the king, Kai quest; Featuring Bubbles, the monkey!
Topic Started: Jul 30 2009, 07:34 PM (236 Views)
Lorne
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Lorne had just picked himself up and looked around. He was unbelievably stiff. He felt like his body weighed a ton. Ho scanned the ground around his feet but could not find his bicycle.WHAM! Lorne had found his bicycle, or rather, it had found him, falling on top of his head.
"Not cool," Lorne said, letting out a strained sigh.
Lorne was flat on the ground again unable to get up as the Cannondale weighed down on him. He pushed his hands against the ground but he just could not lift himself.
"I think I bruised my spine," Lorne said to nobody. His vision was hopelessly obscured by his mask and hood, and the weight of the bicycle on his neck.
"I'm sure I saw somebody here, why aren't they helping me?" Lorne said, "This place is just as bad as the world of the living. You would think that people would learn to be nice after being murdered and betrayed to end up here,"
Lorne struggled in vain for a few moments and then let out another defeated sigh.
That's it. I must be paralyzed. This is my eternity now. What a gyp.
"Oh, awesome! There's a monkey!" Lorne exclaimed as he spotted a monkey prancing about just a few yards in front of him. "Hey, monkey! You there! Go get somebody to get this bicycle off me so I can realign my vertebrae,"
Good. Lorne had caught its attention. The monkey moved curiously toward him, stopping next to the bicycle to investigate it.
"Yes, that is a bicycle. And it needs to be not on my sacroiliac. Now if you please, find some big and strong dead guy to relocate-" Lorne's voice faded to silence as the monkey grabbed the bike and lifted it from his back.
"M-monkey?"
The monkey then tossed the bike lazily aside and hopped up and down hooting like a monkey.
"What?" Lorne asked in disbelief. His body ached as he rolled over to get a better look at his savior.
"Just a monkey. But a strong monkey," Lorne laughed out loud, "Thanks, buddy. Well, I can wiggle my toes so I guess I'm not paralyzed, but I can hardly move anyway,"
Lorne grunted as he brought his feet under him and attempted to stand, falling back down on his bum. Soon he recovered and made it to his feet.
"Ow, my body is made of lead," Lorne commented to the monkey, "Well, hey, thanks for helping me out there, friend,"
Lorne extended his hand to the monkey who had freed him from the bicycle's weight. The creature gave him a funny look and took his hand. Lorne had to catch himself from falling down as he bent over to express his thanks with a handshake.
"I don't know what it is about this place, but I feel like I'm covered in weights. This pressure is intense,"
Lorne noticed that the monkey was ignoring his comment and walking away. Not sure of what else to do, Lorne followed the monkey to an antennae-sporting blue fellow of somewhat generous proportions.
"Oh hello, Bubbles," the portly stranger greeted the monkey who ran eagerly to him, "I see we have a newcomer. I saw your landing, nice of you to drop in. Get it? Drop in! Ga ha ha ha ha ha ha, ah, I'm hilarious,"
Lorne stared at this stranger from behind his mask.
"I'm laughing on the inside, heh. My name is Lorne Grayson and I have recently deceased,"
"Ha ha, greetings Lorne Grayson, or should I say Lorne Grayskull. Seriously, buddy, Halloween isn't so big in the afterlife,"
"I imagine it wouldn't be. Ghosts can't be that scary when you are surrounded by them all the time,"
"No, but welcome to my planet. I am King Kai, and I will be your trainer,"
"What? My trainer?" Lorne asked surprised.
"Why yes, when the best fighters in the galaxy pass to the next dimension they come here for the special martial arts training of the legendary King Kai,"
"There must be some mistake, your highness," Lorne said, bowing down to the King Kai, "I was far from being the best fighter in the city, let alone the planet or galaxy. I had never won a bout in my life and now that I'm dead, I have no intention of continuing the fruitless struggle of the warrior,"
"What? Fruitless struggle? What about those lives you saved, the great deeds in your life that earned you the privilege of traveling Snake Way and training with the greatest teacher in existence?"
"I never did any of that," Lorne explained, "I fixed bicycles for most of my life before I began exploring the possibilities of becoming a warrior. But since I chose that path I've seen little but defeat. I suppose my life repairing bicycles for people proved my good intentions and then my increased power level in my last few weeks somehow brought the idea that I would want to continue the pursuit in the afterlife,"
"What a freak," Kai commented.
"What?"
"You show up unannounced wearing the goofiest costume since saiyaman and when you finally meet the great King Kai who offers you his tutelage you turn him down?"
"I don't mean any disrespect at all, your highness," Lorne said taking a step forward. As he did the gravity caught him and he fell on his bum once again.
"Heh heh, another from Earth, huh? I should have known. Well now that you're here you'd better learn to love the gravity, it's ten times that of Earth. Takes quite a bit of getting used to. Coincidentally, the first part of King Kai's training is to become used to the gravity here. It's a shame you think you don't need it,"
"What? No. I mean, I guess since I just happen to be here before the greatest teacher in the universe and I have an eternity to kill, your training would be a great opportunity for me,"
"Hmm, that's more like it,"
Lorne tried to stand and rose to his feet on strained legs.
"All right, your highness. What shall I do?" Lorne asked.
"Well first you must complete a task that is traditional of all my students,"
"I can hardly walk, what kind of task to you have in mind?"
"Simple, just make me laugh. If you can make me laugh, I will begin training you,"
Lorne stood in silence facing King Kai. The legendary teacher was now asking him to make him laugh and Lorne was taken aback slightly. He sized up the big blue master as he tried figuring just how he would tackle and tickle the insect-man into utter submission.
"Come on, you must have a good joke or two, but it has to be a really good one in order to count,"
Of course. A joke. That made it both simpler and more difficult. Of course Lorne had jokes to tell. The challenge was deciding upon one that was old enough that this ancient blue man would get it but not so old that he had already heard it before.
"Come, come, come, I haven't got all day. Lay it on me or you'll get no training from me,"
"Ok," Lorne decided, "Two nuns are bicycling down a cobblestone road, and one nun says to the other-"
Lorne stopped himself mid-sentence. Such a tasteless and crude joke was far too inappropriate for a king. This was going to have to be really good.
"No, no, no. You waited too long. I'll start. What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches, the other watches cells, gwah ha ha ha,"
Maybe the king's standards weren't all that high after all.
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Lorne
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"Ha ha ha, that's a good one, King Kai," Lorne said, "Try this on for size. My uncle Tupelo is so obese that when he sits around the house he really sits around the house!"
"Aw, come on, that one's older than I am. Though it is classic, it's just not the caliber I was hoping for. I thought certainly Earth would generate something interesting in the last hundred years,"
"Wait, I've got more," said Lorne.
"Well, let's have it,"
"Ok, er, what's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?"
"Are you slow or something? I just told that one! You are impossible. You have no sense of humor and you wear the goofiest clothing I've ever seen. What is with the leg pads, are you supposed to be a goalie Skeletor? I don't know!"
"Well, I like to be prepared," Lorne explained, "You see I was in a fistfight one time when a hockey game suddenly broke out,"
There was a long and awkward silence as the two stared at each other. Lorne was giddy with anticipation. This was his favorite joke of all time and surely it would cause the King Kai to let out a deluge of laughter. He waited but there was only silence. Then, he realized that the great King Kai was actually straining to keep his amusement to himself. Lorne then realized that now was the time to unleash the perfect joke to break the king's focus.
"You know I was going to be a trapeze artist but I never caught on," Lorne said as he smirked behind his ridiculous mask. That was just lame enough to put King Kai on the ground with laughter.
"Hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha hah. 'Never caught on,' ha ha ha ha, oh, that's rich, hee hee hee ha ha ha ha ha," King Kai rolled on the grass pounding it with his fists trying to stop his laughing. Lorne stood and laughed at King Kai's crazy shenanigans and also at himself for telling such a lame joke. Now if only they could get to the part where his legs didn't feel like they were going to implode.
"Uh-" Lorne hit the ground again as the strain on his legs became again too much. King Kai was rolling on the ground unable to control his amusement, and Lorne was on the ground with him unable to be amused at his helplessness on this planet.
"Ah ah ha ha ha, ahem. Now the training will begin," said King Kai as he picked himself up from the ground and dusted himself off, "First you must get up off the ground. Seriously, take a page out of the book of weeble and quit falling down already,"
Lorne sat up with a groan and frowned as he looked at King Kai. At least all these crazy shenanigans were keeping him distracted from thinking about hoe he had been murdered by the inedible hulk. Who, now that he thought about it, probably owed him 718 zenni. Lorne had kept all his possessions in the afterlife except his moolah and suspected that he had been robbed by the jade jerk. Ah, of course. King Kai's mouth was moving again, Lorne had better respond.
"Ah, er, yes, sensei. I apologize for my incompetence,"
Lorne sighed and climbed to his feet slowly as King Kai watched him from behind terrible sunglasses. Now vertical again, Lorne was ready to do some strenuous training on this planet. Like walking, pouring tea, or breathing.
"What will you have me do, King Kai?" Lorne asked as he almost tried taking a step but then thought better of it.
"First I need a demonstration of your abilities so I know where to begin. You obviously are having a tough time getting used to the gravity here so I don't expect much, but just for laughs, wont you try jumping vertically as high as you can?"
Lorne's spirit sank a little bit, possibly due to the gravity here but probably because he knew that, once again, he was required to make a complete fool of himself attempting something at which he has no chance of succeeding.
"Whatever you say, King Kai, I will do my best," Lorne looked up and prepared himself. Always do your best, and you'll have no regrets. So as pitiful as it may be, Lorne would sincerely try to jump as high as he possibly could. He bent his knees slightly and the intense gravity grabbed him and pulled him down, but as he compressed to squatting position he quickly got hold of himself and put all his strength into pushing off the ground. He felt pain in his legs and thought he wouldn't even make it back to standing but he pushed with all his might and before he knew it he was airborne. He had made a jump over a foot off the ground before landing hard back to where he had began. Though he was able to stay on his feet for the landing, much to his, and King Kai's surprise.
"Well, well, well," King Kai clapped his hands at Lorne's feat, "What an accomplishment. You managed to jump vertically and land on your feet. I say if anyone is deserving of the tutelage of the greatest teacher in the universe, it's you,"
"Thanks, that means alot to me, King Kai," Lorne said back to him, returning an equal amount of sarcasm.
"Ok, I don't think you really show much promise, not like anyone else here, including the world martial arts tournament announcer. He's beat you soundly in two seconds flat. But I digress. Despite your disappointing performance, I'm afraid you are still going to have to start out with the same errand as everyone else, at the same level of difficulty. It may take more time for you, but it is a necessary part of the training,"
"What do you want me to do now, King Kai?" Lorne panted heavily, exhausted from his unimpressive jump.
"Oh, it's a simple enough task, Lorne. You see, all you have to do is go fetch something for me,"
Lorne thought to himself that this was probably the level challenge that he was up to at this point. He hoped it was something he could actually pick up and carry, unlike his now-runed bicycle. He couldn't wait to find out what stupid thing he would have to go get. Probably a rubber chicken or bicycle horn.
"I will fetch anything you like, King Kai. What will it be?"
King Kai giggled to himself before drawing a deep breath and shouting, "Buuuuubles!"
The monkey who had previously disappeared to play his own nonsense game came running to the large blue insect man, hooting along the way.
"Ah, Bubbles, would you care to train this young man today? I fear he may be too far gone to learn to walk, let alone fight, but perhaps you could give him sufficient exercise that maybe he can make himself useful.
"You want me to pick up the monkey?" Lorne asked in disbelief as he pointed stupidly to the amusing primate.
"Of course, but it gets better. You see, Bubbles is very full of energy and you must be able to catch him to complete this phase of the training. This proved to be quite the task even for the legendary Goku so you better get with the program or you'll be chasing Bubbles for eternity,"
Bubbles danced in place, clapping his hands at hooting at Lorne.
"So this is Heaven?" Lorne asked himself as the monkey took off like a shot and he took his first steps after it, "Oh, hell,"
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