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i don't care WHO started this
Topic Started: Jul 6 2008, 11:24 PM (227 Views)
Sarah
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"i don't care WHO started this" (by Lorilee Craker)

"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:2

Sheri gave birth to her first baby and was eager to nurse him. She had read all about the benefits of breastfeeding and wanted nothing less than the best for her firstborn. But, despite the many lectures and tips from lactation consultants at the hospital, Sheri was unable to breastfeed Jacob properly. She tried various holds and attempted a number of techniques for getting the itty-bitty boy to open his mouth wide and latch on. And she spent precious time on the phone talking with lactation consultants. One or two of these milking mentors even stopped by her house to show her how it's done. Still, nothing worked, and Sheri gave up. She was disappointed that breastfeeding hadn't worked for her, but she felt good about simply feeding her son with a bottle in a relaxed manner without the stress and tears of trying to figure out nursing.

A few weeks later a friend who had given Sheri a book on nursing as a baby gift asked how breastfeeding was going. When Sheri detailed all the methods she had tried and the help she had employed - to no avail - the friend's eyes narrowed with disbelief. "Did you try the football hold?" she asked. Yes, Sheri had tried it. "The cradle?" Check. "Cross-cradle?" Check, check. The friend went on to quiz Sheri on her efforts at every hold and maneuver known to lactation science. After a while, the friend's questions started to sound more like an interrogation, and Sheri was left with the distinct impression that this "pal" was sorely disappointed.

At this same get-together, Sheri overheard her friend whispering about her behind her back. "She obviously didn't try hard enough," the woman tsk-tsked. "Well, she's going to miss out on the best part of motherhood. It's really such a shame." Sheri was hurt, baffled and indignant. She had exerted all kinds of effort to try to nurse her baby. In her mind, she knew she had exhausted every avenue in her quest to breastfeed. And yet her so-called friend had passed judgment on her for not trying hard enough. (subtext: Sheri was a bad mommy).

The friendship hit the skids and never really recovered. Sheri couldn't get past her friend's smug attitude and, worse, the woman's indictment of her mothering skills. Very little hurts as much as a negative judgment of the way we raise our children. Often, the critiquing begins before we even give birth. Before I had my second C-section (a car accident years before had likely produced scar tissue in my pelvis, and my doctor advised a scheduled cesarean), a woman at my church clucked and shook her head in disapproval when Doyle told her about my plans. "I just don't think that's wise," she told him. Well, we rolled our eyes and paid no heed, but of course I became more wary in my encounters with her.

Bottle versus breast. Scheduling versus feeding on cue. Working or staying at home. These debates can get as hot as any contentious scuffle on the floor of the state legislature. And they are just the beginning of a lifetime of choices we make as moms that pit us against another group who is making the opposite choice. What adds heat to our decisions is our great love for our children and our intense commitment to be the best moms we can be. If our friend chooses differently than us, we can take that to be an accusation that our own views on the matter are wrong, and vice versa. If I let my kids eat hot dogs, and she doesn't, that must mean she thinks I'm lax and don't care as much about my kids as she does. Sadly, this type of friction has come between many mommy friends.

The longer I'm a mother, the more I see that we moms need to be each other's cheerleaders. We all have issues that, for whatever reason, are vital to our mothering, but to impose our standards and choices on other moms is shortsighted and selfish. Instead of judging, we need to adopt a "live and let live" attitude about other moms and focus on our own efforts to be the women and mothers God called us to be.

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