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Comparing Notes; Not sure where to put this, but here seems good.
Topic Started: Aug 1 2016, 07:45 PM (193 Views)
Dr Nitwhite
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Luddite
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A concept for a story I've been working on.

Comparing Notes

Chapter 1

Quote:
 
10/25/17

What a lovely day! The air is crisp, as are the leaves underfoot. A Red-bellied woodpecker joined a mixed flock, which was odd.

Day list-

-Black-capped Chickadee
-Downy Woodpecker
-Tufted Titmouse
-Red-bellied Woodpecker
-Fox Sparrow
-White-throated sparro~


The naturalist dropped his pencil, then his notebook, and then his jaw. Quickly collecting himself, he grabbed his things and ducked into a nearby rhododendron. Two figures were milling about a white capsule, as you might expect to find on the moon, complete with all the buttons and gadgets of any self-respecting lunar lander. The figures were as out of place as the snow-white device they were attending to, one resembled a Polar Bear with fur as white as the dome shaped thing it was meddling with, the other appeared to be fully-functional Arthropluerid complete with all the plates and legs that decorated that long-extinct Myriapod. The Naturalist watched in awe as the two appeared to converse (perhaps argue?) as the larger, mammalian looking one prodded an exposed bit of wiring with some sort of tool, which caused sparks to fly on occasion. Upon closer inspection with 8x42 binoculars, more peculiarities seemed to crop up. The Polar Bear looking beast (person? thing?) had six (count ‘em, six!) pairs of eyes. Where they eyes, though? The naturalist wasn’t to sure, but whatever they were the first pair were situated mouse-like on a diamond shaped head which seemed to split in two whenever the creature made to speak. The head was covered in some sort of helmet. A long, prehensile tail with a bulbous tip was waving back and forth continuously, holding on to a few more strange looking tools. Its partner had a collection of radula looking plates on the underside of its head, and two specialized grasping appendages which it was waving furiously. No mechanical implements adorned the body to speak of.

“What the he?”

The naturalist began to mutter under his breath when he heard a fluttering noise behind him. Turning around, he was greeted by the visage of a long, silver snake with four dragonfly like wings and a blue face suspended in midair. Startled, he fell backwards into the shrub.

“Are you very well?”

The snake uttered. No portion of the body moved alongside the sounds. The naturalist quickly realised the snake was in fact mechanical, with a metallic sheen and buzzy voice. It appeared almost something of a WoWee toyline.

“I asked, are you very well? It would be shameful if I created you harm.”

The snake said in a matter-o-fact tone. The naturalist couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“I asked-”

The snake began, but was cut off.

“What the hell is going on here?!”

The naturalist blurted, in an angry, if not fearful way.

“You appear to be of a fine health quality. We are a reconnaissance force, if it pleases you to know. Our assignment is to observe the local organisms in this portion of your planet. We are from several others. My comrades are occupied repairing our vehicle.”

The pair at the capsule turned their attention to the conversation at hand and proceeded toward the speakers. The snake continued.

“Rejoice, your species, including its subspecies, and any other intelligent organisms you may be harboring will be having access to vast technologies and information your variety has never comprehended! Be uplifted and enlightened! It is truly a momentous-”

The snake continued, until he was once again cut off. The naturalist began to speak in a slightly more irritated tone, the initial surprise wearing off.

“Hold on, did you just say enlightenment? I didn’t sign up for any singularity bullshit, and I can’t imagine the rest of the world is just going to submit to this you know! And what’s with the stilted english, huh? And did you just say subspecies? I can assure you that if you’re referring to my species, Homo sapiens, the Human race, we don’t have any.”

The snake responded as the the first two aliens picked their way around the rhododendron.

“I will apologise if we appeared domineering upon first speaking, we have not completed a working copy of your language. And I can say immediately you do have subspecies, Human”

“I can assure you we don’t”

The naturalist replied, his fear gone. His curiosity was quickly replacing his irritation and fear. This would certainly be an interesting meeting.

End of chapter one.

First attempt at short story writing, so cut me a bit of slack. Otherwise, feel free to critique and comment! It needs work!
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This past Monday on Discord, famous server Speculative Evolution took a hit in the attendance office when it's offline member list suddenly reappeared. Mods scrambled to rectify the situation, but unfortunately there was little anyone could do. Server member Ivan was asked what he thought of the situation. "So long as Flisch, lord of machines and scion of Urborg lives, all will be well". SE, (in)famous for it's eccentric userbase, has recently been spiraling downward, and now we have hard conformation of the decline. Moderator "High Lord" Icthyander states "There is nothing to be concerned about, Discord is merely changing its UI again", but members are beginning to suspect the honesty of their staff.
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Corecin
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Have you ever been bitch slapped for lack of listening? lack of doing what your told? cuz i'm not far from slapping you
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I feel like it needs more pacing, the aliens appeared very suddenly, and didn't give much time to understand what was going on. And I think the part with the subspecies was kind of random, the dialogue is a little unnatural (not just for the robot). Otherwise, I think this story idea is interesting, I had an idea for something similar.
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