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| Realitology SBS (Special Backstory Stories); For extensive plot line involvement in the show/ comic. | |||
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| Topic Started: Mar 1 2016, 03:19 AM (264 Views) | |||
| Dapper Man | Mar 1 2016, 03:19 AM Post #1 | ||
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* I am fed up with dis wuurld *
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Realitology SBS (Special Backstory Stories) Warning: Following stories contain rather inclusive mature themes, including a lot of Violence, Swear words and Horrific Scenes. These entries are also a part of the show/ comic Realitology, where Greek Mythology is real, and more or less takes significant importance in the plot, more or less. As a side note, most characters in these stories are Demigods, and thus share features with their parents, whether they like it or not.
Table Of Contents: Emily Watson's Diary Any thoughts, opinions etc? Edited by Dapper Man, Mar 1 2016, 03:26 AM.
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Speculative Evolution: Manitou; The Needle in the Haystack. | |||
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| Myxini | Mar 1 2016, 04:48 AM Post #2 | ||
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Vermiform
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Just to verify, is realitology your own project, or is this a fan work based on it? I ask because you said it was a show/comic, but I can't find any information on it online. I have a few criticisms of the wording of the diary entry: - I feel like someone would know the difference between carpet and concrete, due to the very different textures and materials. - if it's their own diary, I cannot imagine them censoring their own usage of swear words. If it's mainly censored for younger audiences, then you could always put each entry in a spoiler. Plus you've got a disclaimer at the beginning. - your pencil is low on ink? Alongside the carpet/concrete thing, is the main reader unfamiliar with our world/language? If so, then it's quite strange for them to have issues with simple terms like pen and pencil but not have issues with our common names for obscure animals like maras. - the switches between past tense and present tense are a little awkward to read. - what sort of character is this? They want to survive, but at the same time they're writing whilst they're about to be eaten? On a purely format related note, I like the header made by using the table (I mean, it looks cool on my theme anyway). |
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An Announcement | Nerites: the descent of life | Buttmunchers (retired) | Antaeus (retired) | Dante (group project; inactive) | | Fakedex V1 | Lobster Pot | Gross People | | |||
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| Flisch | Mar 1 2016, 02:16 PM Post #3 | ||
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Superhuman
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Hey, I thought about throwing in my own two cents as well. Apart from what Myxini has already said I have two main points: a) I don't understand your character. Of course, not every character needs to be understood, some characters are supposed to be mysterious or unknown. But the problem is, your character is pulled into several mutually exclusive directions at once. On the one hand she is scared the monsters might find her but on the other hand she just shouts out some obscenities without provocation. Then the next part makes her look lethargic or uncaring. "Bye bye, chances for survival." Is likely not a thing you'd say when you're scared or so full of adrenaline that you just start shouting. She jumps from horror to anger to lethargy from one sentence to the next. She is a paradox character, but it doesn't feel like that is intentional. If you want her to actually come across as contradictory, it needs to be made clearer. The reader needs to recognize the contradictions are intended. b) It doesn't read like a diary. Again, this could be intentional, but I cannot fathom a reason why. The problem here is that she writes many things that people wouldn't put in their diary or does it in a way that feels unnatural. Here are some examples: Scribbling in my diary, I might not have much time. If you take a second to think about it, you will realize this is a silly thing to write into your diary, considering that you literally are doing it. I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I doubt people would open their diary and the first thing they put down is "writing now" and even specifying they're writing into their diary . Even if some people do it, it feels unnatural. the BLEIGHTY F***ERS WON’T STOP P****ING ME OFF! Oh crap, I hope I haven’t shouted that out loud. Oh wait, just did. This character is either writing very quickly, shouting very slowly or shouted out these words after she wrote it down. And none of it sounds particularly plausible. When writing a diary it always helps to imagine what the character is like when she is sitting there, actually scribbling onto a piece of paper. It also avoids the common problem of describing an action involving the character, while they are supposedly busy writing into their diary. Which leads us to: BOOM! I heard the basement door burst open, with the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen: a Laestrygonian. The large creature resemble a Troll or Orc, and is probably a carnivorous Neanderthal relative. Oh no- it’s got me! It has 2 rows of teeth, large forehead and stocky body. It’s about to crunch down on my--- This part has me genuinely confused, not because of the contents (being attacked by a monster seems straight-forward enough) but by the intention of the author and the makeup of the world. Nothing in the diary indicates that the character writing the diary has some special talent that automatically writes down her thoughts or something, and infact the very beginning states she actively scribbles down on the paper. So I have to imagine that she is scribbling down not only the sound the door makes as it bust open, but also the entire action of being eaten alive, apparently sticking out of the troll-orc's mouth frantically writing down her last thoughts. This is a very common problem with people writing diaries. They usually try to describe literally everything, up to the point where the writer dies. "Oh no, this guy is pointing a gun at me." In all fairness even Tolkien is guilty of this to a certain degree, though he at least added the nice touch that the dwarf's last words (They're coming) are drawn out as if added very hastily. Please don't take this the wrong way, but the last part especially does this "writing down the literally last thoughts" to such an extreme, that it reminds me of that one Monty Python sketch where they find a diary and it spells out "Ahhhhhhhhhhh" at the end. Again, this may be intentional, I don't know the atmosphere of your story, could very well be dark humour, but it seems to come completely out of the blue and doesn't mesh well with the beginning. So, even if it was intended, maybe there is a way to establish your atmosphere in a way that does not come off as a mistake. Here are maybe the two most important things to remember when writing diaries: a) A diary is always for the person writing the diary. Yes, there may be instances where a character writes a diary so that maybe someone finds it later, but honestly I wouldn't consider that a diary, but a record. In most cases, the writer never intends anyone else to read it. Therefore, the writer is very unlikely to put down things that they either already know or know they are doing. Nobody would say that they are sitting down right now. Most people use diaries to write down their thoughts, so it makes sense to focus on that rather than unimportant actions. ("Picking my nose right now.") b) People writing diaries are occupied while writing diaries. This ties into the "not writing down what they are doing" thing I mentioned above. While you are sitting down on a chair, you can't write and once you sat down, it would feel weird to write that you are sitting down now. Even saying that you just sat down would be awkward, because the action is over and has no relevance for you anymore. An important exception to this is if the character is doing a recap or a retelling of something that happened earlier. Or maybe they are describing a strange unknown environment, in which they would mention how they got there. Then they could also describe what they did, but always with a focus on something that happened. ("When I entered the cave there was a dark rumble coming from the inside.") But even in all these cases, a character is likely not to write while they are climbing up a ladder, trying to fight a tiger or simply just walking around. People writing diaries usually sit somewhere, focused on the writing alone. Any distraction would not make them keep writing, but rather just stop for a moment. I think even a "Wait, the phone's ringing." wouldn't make sense, because the character is -again- only writing for themselves and they can return to resume writing after they have dealt with the distraction. Or maybe they can't, in which case they couldn't care less if their thoughts just end abruptly on the page. I hope I didn't sound too harsh and also that this was at least somewhat helpful.
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| Dapper Man | Mar 2 2016, 01:39 AM Post #4 | ||
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* I am fed up with dis wuurld *
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To answer your questions, I am going to update it tonight, with the plot leading up to the final segment. | ||
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Speculative Evolution: Manitou; The Needle in the Haystack. | |||
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