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| Starting a fantasy/steampunk story; needs some feedback | |
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| Topic Started: May 22 2012, 08:28 PM (413 Views) | |
| Dragon wasp | May 22 2012, 08:28 PM Post #1 |
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Hi, Haven't been here in a while. So I started a Blog for a story i'v been working on. Please check it out, and I could use some feedback |
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| Temporary | May 23 2012, 05:29 PM Post #2 |
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Transhuman
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First, I don't like that it's being done on a blog. It's fine now, but as the story grows it will become more and more annoying for new readers to start in on the story. Second,with the names the way they are, it would be nice to have some sort of basic character sheet. Nothing complicated, just a short page saying what the character was doing when they first got brought up. That's all that I think it needs. It would make it a ton easier to remember who is who. Third, can you post when you update? I think I'm going to like this story, it looks like it might get pretty darn good once it gets going. |
I'm here. ![]() Uploaded with ImageShack.us Should we bring back Recon? Click here to share your opinion. | |
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| Dragon wasp | Jun 23 2012, 01:07 PM Post #3 |
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Thanks Temporary! of course I will move on from a blog as the story gets bigger. -Chapter 2 a curious visitor- A young human followed by her dog moved through the waist-high grass. The crickets had gone silent, but the night was still warm, and fairly bright. She held a lantern in one hand and a short sword in another. Her sheep dog started to bark as they got closer to the of the field, near the entrance of the orchard. There had been a light. They had all seen it, but she had been the only one brave enough to venture from the house on this night. Any other night, even Jeremiah, her youngest brother would have gone. But this night, no one volunteered. This particular night was the dragon night. The most dangerous night in the whole year, it was the longest day too, followed by the longest night. There was celebrations all day long, including a farmers market, and parties all over town. The night though was when the dragons came out. It was the night where cattle went missing, sometimes people too, if you weren't careful. Under the tall cherry tree at the front of the lay a man about her age, maybe a little younger. “What are you doing here?” She hissed. The man groaned “Get up,” she said as she pulled him onto his feet, and rushed back to the house. It was hard to tell if he was fully conscious, but she knew he was barely shuffling along. The grass moved behind her, and she started to move faster. Slava, The dog barked louder, and growled at whatever approached them. Suddenly a 4 meter long lizard monster leapt from it’s cover onto the two, mainly on the her. She screamed and tried to kick it off. Her scream must have awaken the boy she carried and he said something under his breath. Red mist drifted off the palm of his hand and drifted through the air towards the dragon. As soon as the mist touched the dragon, it howled and shrank back. The man then collapsed and she limped back to the house without any further disturbances with dragons. “he’s waking,” a voice said in a hushed tone. “Rise and shine princess,” another voice directed at him said. “You’re quite bruised up, looks like you’ve been through some trouble.” He grunted “What’s your name?” The man asked. “Toreak’an,” he managed to say. “Torakan? That’s a name not usually used in these parts, whereabouts are you from?” “Toreak’an. I'm from...” he paused “From the Rak’elm empire. Where am I now? Eldtur? saandar? Jezet?” “No son. You’re in Aughird, Torskeli empire.” Toreak’an closed his eyes, and went silent. “I see you’re already aquiainted with my eldest daughter, Aishye,” She smiled “and I’m Leurunt. What are you doing in these parts?” He ignored the the question with a groan. “Give him some time,” Aishye said. There was a pounding on the window followed by screeches and grunts. Leurunt got up and marched to the window, and peeked through the curtains. A small boy picked up an M16 and handed it to his father. Toreak’an sat up, but stumbled. Luckily Aishye was there to catch him. “Are you a wizard?” She whispered very softly into his ear. “Of sorts,” he whispered back. She handed him a shirt to wear, as he staggered over to the window. A medium sized dragon pounded on the window, attracted to the light. “no no no no no,” Toreak’an repeated quietly as he looked out the window Leurunt stared at him. “Why are you here?” He asked in a suspicious tone. Toreak’an looked back into the eyes. Cleared his throat and spoke. “That’s just it. I don’t know.” also, here's a sneak peak for the next chapter: -Chapter 3 *10 hours earlier* The small man pushed a cart down a bumpy road. Small was an overstatement. There were large rock that he was completely oblivious to, and winced whenever he hit one. Occasionally the cart would almost fall over but he would catch it before it fell. To anyone who didn’t know him, they would probably guess that he had some sort of physical disability; the truth lies in his origin. The three and a half foot Loyirt (or as the children call him Late) was three quarters dwarf. his mother’s mother was a dwarf, who married a human, and his father was one hundred percent pure dwarf, fresh from the mines. Dwarves aren’t usually vendor's, let alone farmers, but they do have the durability to walk multiple miles to their destination, whether it be his stall in the small village’s market, or individual houses that make good deals. This day he was heading to a large farmer's market in Nyusk. |
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| Dragon wasp | Aug 19 2012, 03:42 PM Post #4 |
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I did some revisions and added a new chapter. I made a new map and added a picture. |
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9:27 AM Jul 11