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Crucyx
Topic Started: Oct 22 2008, 12:26 PM (1,311 Views)
Cameron aka Cam
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Golden Blossoms
First off, really sorry it took me so long to read and respond but I’m finally starting to get caught up with everything. But now I’m also grounded from the Internet which makes things really hard. But I’ll keep in touch. Okay here’s what I thought:

The introduction was pretty good, I like how you started with a poem, caught my interest. I continued reading and was a little confused as to where the boy actually was at first but you revealed that later. Now what was really cool was the fact that I kept trying to guess what kind of story this was and I changed my opinion several times. First I thought this was going to be like Romeo and Juliet and then I changed it to something else and then back again. I’m still not sure what kind of story this will actually turn out to be, but I’m enjoying it so far. One thing that kind of confused me was the speech in their minds and their actual speech. I think you just forgot to put it in italics or something but I figured it out. Quotation marks also could be used more effectively. Besides that and normal proof reading stuff it was well written. Very creative, I never thought about using characters such as these and you did catch me off guard with the fight scene. After finishing I really looked forward to the next chapter.

Pros:
 Really creative
 Kept you guessing
 Left me anticipating the next chapter


Cons:
- Internal and external speech was kind of confusing at first
- Standard proof reading errors

Looking forward to your next chapter.
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Yaomi
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Gathering Chi
Lol, things spoken internally used to be italicized, unfortunately when you cut and paste a word file, it doesn't hold the formatting... :(

Oh and expect many grammar and spelling errors, I've yet to actually sit down and proof the whole thing.

But thanks for the review! I'll have the next chapter up shortly!
Pyon... best word ever!!
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Yaomi
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Gathering Chi
Chapter Two



The Twin Suns bathed the grand city of Iyeck in their brilliant light, heralding the dawn of another beautiful day. A stiff breeze washed over the hills and vales of the virgin land, awakening life across the entire province until it struck against a shining wall. The wind could never breach the wall. Not a man made structure and yet not a natural one. It raised into the clouds and spanned miles, forever a wall, a blockade, a barrier... The Barrier.

Osim stood watch on the high roof of the Palace of High Lady Yaztar, letting the crisp northland breeze wash over him. He squinted his eyes against the blinding light of the radiant suns. There was once a time when the prospect of another sunny day brightened his spirit and eased his troubles. Now though, the next day brought only the chance of another attack either by Dra'Ka or by the unknown threat of the ones on the other side of the Barrier. Many had fled the once proud city of Iyeck. Due to all of the strange… events of late. Entire herds of cattle dying, whole fields turning to dust, commoners falling prey to a strange new illness, the likes of which had never been seen before in the land. All of this within a five mile band of territory near the Barrier. And it was getting closer. What was it? Was it a Dra’ka scheme. He did not think so? In all honestly he did not consider the Dra’Ka a threat, despite a few raids on some of the storehouses on Iyeck’s frontier lands. And even those futile attacks he did not, and could not truly fault them for. How many had fallen to Ben Tu sword and scheme during this race war. One of the darkest times in the Ben Tu race’s history and yet no one seemed to care. He had once served in the Imperial Army before being called away to serve as one of the High Lady's gaurd. The things he had done in the name of the God Emperor still haunted his dreams. Dragons by nature were slow to breed, they rarely had more than one child at a time and were then barren for nearly a year. If he wasn't mistaken their population before the war had only been about a couple hundred million. In the ten years of this war nearly two thirds of them were wiped out. It was a massacre. They had always been a sort of underdog, too proud to admit of course, but none the less noticeably worse off. They were always on the edge, the edge of poverty, the edge or famine. Some said it was the land, no good really, but the only one left. They didn't seem to complain though, never really had the ambition to go out and conquer. Maybe they were just too easygoing, or too lazy, as the less forgiving murmured. But they were always there, useful primitives. So easy to think of them as primitives,Osim mused, savages, uncivilized, insects. So easy.... But that was just an excuse, a panacea for the Ben Tu conscience. Dra'Ka were humans too. And genocide was still genocide. But if we are not truly superior, if we really are the same.... Why are we dominating them, Osim couldn't wrap his head around it. But there was always the chance that it could have turned out very different. Perhaps it was just bad luck, after all, the Dra’Ka had been without their strongest clan, their ruling clan, the Idwali, for nearly ten thousand years. Osim remembered the history lessons he’d learned in his old military academy. He’d often wondered why such an emphasis was put into knowledge of an extinct clan. But the reasoning behind such a curriculum soon became apparent. Even thousands of years after their demise, the God Emperor still feared their reappearance. Therefore all higher ranking soldiers were to learn every last detail regarding the Idwali, their anatomy, their tactics, their culture. And from what he had learned, Osim could sympathize with the God Emperor’s fear. These Idwali… they were the things of myth. Excellent warriors even if they did not appear to be at first glance, seeming not to grow to any truly impressive size. It was said that they lost their pure human forms at the dawn of time. Over centuries they had perfected the forbidden art, and mixed their forms to create near perfect beings of immense power. Many Dra'Ka clans did this, in both past and present, but this one clan, had been completely successful. On the outside they appeared perfectly normal, but the inside was something born out of Fury itself. It was hard to even imagine a creature with two hearts... a smaller but more energetic heart right under the main one, giving the Idwali enough extra blood flow to outlast any normal being. It was said that one strand of an Idwali's muscle was packed so tightly and intricately, that it became worth nearly a thousand strands of Ben Tu or normal Dra'Ka muscle, literally giving them the strength of a thousand individual men. They healed virtually instantly when wounded, and were almost completely double jointed. By combining the form of dragon and human they had become all but invincible, gods in their own right. Perhaps some of these were just rumors, old dusty legends, but maybe, just maybe, some of it was true. Supposedly brilliant tacticians, god-like warriors, and blessed by a deity, they were unstoppable. It was not uncommon for one or two Idwali to destroy entire legions. And yet despite so many advantages, the Idwali had not sought power, they had not attempted to conquer the world of their day and age, so lazy... or maybe just easygoing. Rather, they seemed content to live on their own land, living their own lives, and dreaming their own dreams. Perhaps if they’d been only a tad more aggressive, they would have dominated this land. Nevertheless, that didn't mean they didn't enjoy a good fight. For centuries Idwali warriors joined the cause of whomever they found worthy, their alliance always unclear save for one rule, that they would never rise against each other. To have such power, and refuse to use it to its full extent, it was a mockery to the gods. Perhaps that is why they were killed so long ago, before the wall was formed. Exactly what killed them Osim did not know. Some said disease, others said civil unrest, but Osim thought otherwise. For and entire nation to just disappear... Every time he looked to the Barrier he worried, could it be that the evil behind that deceptivley glistening wall was powerful enough to overwhelm even an Idwali. If that was the case, may the gods help them all. Osim smirked, who was he to make such assumptions. Fate did not bode well for one stirring up contentions; the Idwali had made that mistake with their very existence. Whatever it was that destroyed them, there was not mystery behind who had destroyed their descendants. The God Emperor Tzric III wanted the entire race annihilated, and who could oppose the will of a god? There were sickening tales of women and elderly ones being burned alive. Children slaughtered in front of their mothers. Infants being strangled with their own birth cords. If only more of them were just that, tales... Why couldn't they just be lies. But reality wasn't so kind, Osim would know, he had been one of those shock troops. There were only a few Dra'Kah left now. After the demise of the some of their strongest clans it was only a matter of time. Still the Ben Tu supported their beloved God Emperor. If only the Drak'Ka weren't so damn placid! If only they were more like their to'juk, yet their sanity was questionable by even their own standards. In the end superior numbers and a crushing offensive would overwhelm the relatively small fighting force they had left, comprised mainly of the elderly and the young. Osim shook his head. And what if he were to speak out, to stand in the plaza of Nehaa, the capital city, right before the Imperial palace itself, and tell all the truth behind Tzric's regime. It would be like casting a leaf before a roaring lion, it would only earn him a quick trip to the Inquisition. Just the mere mention of that place made him shiver. Fear. Fear and deception were tools of statecraft that the God Emperor employed regularly. Deceiving the public to keep them happy and making his troops obey him through fear. After the first few years it became clear to the soldiers that they were no longer waging a holy war, but staining their hearts and minds with innocent blood. By the fifth year of the war God Emperor Tyric III had brainwashed the entirety of the massive Ben Tu population, nearly three billion. Why he hated the Dra'Ka so much was a mystery, but again, who was he to question a god? The original war was started for some idiotic reason, he wasn't even sure what it was, but before even a year had passed camps had sprung up, not prisons for soldiers, not holding cells, not even work camps. These camps were for the sole purpose of extermination. The camps hadn't lasted long though, the God Emperor hadn't expected the easygoing Dra'Ka to strike back so savagely. He had erred greatly, for it was around that time when to'juk first began to appear. Suicide assassins the commanders would call them. Terrorists without any seeming heed of life or limb. They stalked and killed targets, sabotaged defenses, and the bombing.... The Ben'Tu hadn't known what bombing was until the to'juk appeared, there wasn't even a word for it. Some how, the Dra'Ka had discovered a weapon of incredible power. Other than its terrible destructive might, the Ben Tu knew nothing about it. It was almost a force of nature. It was hard to interrogate Dra'Ka nowadays, the survivors were difficult to find, and the to'juk... We haven't caught one yet, Osim pondered, In ten years, ten years of genocide, we have yet to capture a single to'juk, not even with the resources of the Brotherhood. Osim chastised himself severely, no! Not even thinking that name was allowed, not safe not safe to think of them, he rubbed his eyes tiredly. It had been a long watch. So what if the squads of to'juk were wreaking havoc, it was deserved. Thankfully the High Lady had insured that they would not pose a problem. Soon after the death camps had failed the God Emperor ordered a poisoning of both the Dra'Ka and Ben Tu food and water supply with a substance called Nulaty. Supposedly it only killed Dra'Ka and left Ben Tu unharmed. It had taken quite some time to thoroughly distribute the Nulaty, but after much 'persuasion' the major High Lords and Ladies had folded. This was not the case with High Lady Yaztar. She had always made it clear that she did not approve of the war and she refused to lace her food stores with Nulaty. Secretly, she had been supplying several hidden Dra'Ka refugee camps with food, and this had supposedly indebted the insane assassins to her. But could she really trust them. Something was nagging at him, a feeling... Was Iyeck truly safe, was anyplace truly safe? The things he had seen them do… they were unreal. Not mercenaries who could be bought, or even devotees that could be swayed. They were fanatics, desperate fanatics. With the bulk of their fighting force eliminated, they had only those few insurgent individuals left. But these few remaining mad men were entirely different from any previous fighting force.
"Suicide assassins, heh," he chuckled to himself. Had a to'juk ever died? No bodies had ever been recovered. And yet they were there. The thought made the mental hackles of his phoenix form rise. The High Lady swore they were safe, and she was brilliant in her own right. Could they have fooled even her? Nothing was impossible for a to'juk, and it was hard, if not impossible to crush an enemy that could not be seen, that could not be touched, that could not be stopped. So the war dragged on. And as though he had not enough to worry about, Osim still found himself questioning the state of the Barrier. The Barrier... No one knew what had put it there, the large pulsating wall of light seemed odd and out of place. Whatever it guarded them from could not fly and no one dared fly over the Barrier. A thing so sacred could not be taken lightly and the mysterious disappearance of all who were foolish enough to attempt such a venture was a strong deterrent. It was still beautiful and awe inspiring but everyone could tell that it was growing dimmer. It was weakening and the full force of whatever the Barrier contained would soon be free. Too many tales of... of them, of an evil that ran so deep it could not be put into words, an evil that could destroy Idwali. Osim was broken out of his thoughts of myths and madness by a low shout. His shift was up. He changed to his phoenix form and flew down from the palace roof. He quickly shifted back and began his journey through the city to his company's barracks. Whatever happened he knew that he always had one duty: to keep his High Lady and her heir from harm!
Even the High Lady Yaztar, the royal regent of the land of Iyeck, the baroness of all that she surveyed, could not find a single moment of peace. It felt as though forces around her were all conspiring to crush her and the province she ruled. To’juk raids were becoming more numerous as Imperial soldiers ruined few remaining resources. Already, the God Emperor was almost commanding her to put Nulaty into her food, the poison that killed a dragon but left the phoenix body unharmed. Hah, she thought, now even death discriminates. It was all making her non-aggressive stand very hard to maintain. God Emperor Tzric III continued to try to convince her to call for a draft out of her province. Still she refused. It was only a matter of months before he called her to the capital to make his intentions blatantly clear. She knew that what he was doing was more than wicked and she would have no part in it. The man must be a fool to disturb such a powerful race, she thought to herself. Oh she knew the commoner's thoughts, that the carefree, almost lazy Dra'Ka just drifted along. But no one remembered the conquests of old, or the arcane powers that their elder council wielded. She'd found it difficult to accept their almost pacifistic stance. How could they just allow Tzric's armies to run roughshod over them, without simply annihilating the arrogant race of birds? The to'juk were the only logical response she had seen from them thus far, and they had only sprung up due to the death camps, a horror that even they could no let simply happen. They must be waiting fore something, it was the only explanation Yaztar could think of,"Why else would you allow your people to be butchered like this? Some of us have read the old histories, not the Imperial families bastardized documents, but the real histories written in the old tongue. What are you waiting for? They must have seen this attack coming. This is not the first time Tzric's family has done this, she thought as she ran her fingers through her long, night black hair. It had been several generations since a God Emperor had commissioned genocide. First it was the Ki'Tsavo nearly two thousand years back, a race of panther shifters that defied the God Emperors commands repeatedly. It was rumored though that some of the Ki'Tsavo had escaped to the desert. Perhaps all hope was not lost for them, there were appearances every now and then. Then the Scythan about one thousand years back. The gryphon shifters held such knowledge of medicine, science, and Remnants that with their destruction the entire planet was cast into a dark age that still lingered. Now it appeared that the most recent victim of a God Emperors wrath were the Dra'Ka clans. This wasn't common knowledge of course, se was not supposed to know these things and this knowledge made it dangerous for her to even exist. Tzric III and his ancestors had done an exemplary job at wiping races from the annals of history. After all, who could defy a god? She of course knew that Tzric III was nothing holy, but so many are the followers of his family that any voice of reason was immediately snuffed.
The High Lady rose from the divan in her bed chambers and walked down one of the many corridors of her palace. She could not help but look upon the faces of her guard with pity. These senseless genocides have taken their toll on the Ben Tu as well. It used to be that Ben Tu people could live for five hundred years or more. Now if a phoenix survived a war he lived at the most to be maybe one hundred before the guilt and suffering of what he'd done killed him. And the monster Tzric still held her daughter under the Sirens, who were fanatically loyal to him, to the point that they were not even required to poison their food stores, assuring the God Emperor that they had no such tool to determine the identity of a dragon. He believed them of course, his heretic band of women. If she even thought of defying Tzric the Sirens would not hesitate to slaughter her only child, even though they were training her as one of their own. What was the point of it all? Even if Araali were safe, there was no guarantee that her small armies would even be able to make a bid for the throne. Rumors of a supply of Remanants, ancient technology from a civilization long past being held by Tzric, were too numerous to ignore. She knew the truth about Tovah, the truth about the death of her husband, a wound so recent and so intimate that it still marked her soul. All it seemed she could do was despair.
"If something is not done soon, the Ben Tu, the phoenix, I myself, will be bound for execution as well," she mourned,” And Tzric will have this world to himself.”

Pyon... best word ever!!
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Cameron aka Cam
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Golden Blossoms
Okay duh Cameron! Totally forgot about the italics thing. So just ignore that part, but I'll have this read by Wednesday! Thanks for contributing again!
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Cameron aka Cam
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Golden Blossoms
Finished the second chapter and again really enjoyed it. Really fun to try and visualize the character's races in my mind. I would like to find out what they actually look like though.

But again I can't wait until the next chapter. Btw is it possible to attach the document to the post? I think that would make it easier. Just wondering though.
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EnigmaticSevens
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Elemental Crown
To be brutally honest this is Yaomi's driest chapter. I mean it lays the basis for a lot of explanation so it's a necessary evil, but I feel it picks us substantially afterwards, and gets much longer aswell.
Posted Image

"It is better to light a candle than to curse the dark." - K'naan
"Ningjiao wo fu tianxia ren, xiujiao tianxia ren fu wo." - Tsao Tsao (Better that I should wrong the world, than the world should wrong me.)
"Why should it ever end, why shouldn't we go on living forever." - Oyks
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Yaomi
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Gathering Chi
Thanks for the reviews! Yes, admittedly this is a dry chapter (believe me it was a pain to write), but thankfully it saves me from having to constantly reference certain things throughout the rest of the novel, so that much comes in handy. But NO WORRIES, in chapter 3 we return to the main story line, and things are about to get really really wazered.

(well the original document is one big lump, so when I wake up tommorow, I'll separate it out, do a quick edit, and post. Although it may be delayed till friday, its rather longer from here on out.)
Pyon... best word ever!!
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Cameron aka Cam
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Golden Blossoms
I disagree I kind of enjoyed it. But then again I do kinda enjoy backstory and the such. Filler isn't really that big of a problem with me. Might not have been as exciting as the first but like you said it was a necessary evil and for those of us like me who like the "filler" it was okay. Provided me with some more of the history.
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Yaomi
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Gathering Chi
Lol, alright backstory lover. Trust me, as the story progresses you'll learn pretty, but I'm far to cruel to just let you have all of the story in one big chunk, you'll have to keep reading to get the full picture.

Sorry abou the wait people, had to take a pause to stress about Exam exemptions!! Gotta get those grades, however the next chapter should be up soon. Pyon!
Pyon... best word ever!!
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Cameron aka Cam
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Golden Blossoms
Looking forward to it! Hey if you get the chance could you critique some of the wallpapers I made? I like having a broad range of opinions.
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