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| Joke of the day! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: 28 Feb 2008 - 11:59 (1,126 Views) | |
| KimG | 28 Feb 2008 - 11:59 Post #1 |
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Ha ha! One of my girls has just sent me this - I thought it very amusing!! WOMEN'S ARSE SIZE STUDY There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses. The results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their arse is too fat............ 10% of women think their arse is too skinny...... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
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| Laughalot | 5 Mar 2008 - 16:06 Post #2 |
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One from me..... Man lying in bed after sex with his new Thai bride.... She keeps stroking his cock..... He says "Do you like my cock that much?" She says "No, I just miss mine"
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| KimG | 11 Mar 2008 - 18:42 Post #3 |
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. |
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| Laughalot | 18 Mar 2008 - 19:43 Post #4 |
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Lol - Love that one Kim - I didn't clikc until the very end..... Here is another from me: A guy is in hospital with 60% burns. Dr Says "Give him 2 Viagra's". Nurse asks "Do you think that will help?" Dr replies "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs" Boom boom..... |
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| JulieBarlow | 2 Apr 2008 - 20:13 Post #5 |
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what happened to our daily jokes then? They were making me laugh! Does anyone have any more, not too dirty as the kids normally read over my shoulder! |
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| KimG | 2 Apr 2008 - 22:19 Post #6 |
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Sorry about that Julie! Amusingly I thought if I put too many jokes on here that people would start to think I wasn't doing any work! Well, now that the newsletters are back up to date, I guess a little time killing won't hurt!! Here you go!! **Paddy and the Taxman** The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!" Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it." |
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| Laughalot | 7 Apr 2008 - 15:49 Post #7 |
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Excellent one Kim - cheered my day up..... Come on Julie - post a couple too so we get to have a giggle aswell!! I am sure Kim and I are not the only ones with a minute or two spare to jot them down here.... Mine for today: Why do dwarf's laugh when playing football? Because the grass tickles their balls. lol |
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| descorpian | 10 Apr 2008 - 01:16 Post #8 |
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HERES A FUNNY ONE FOR JOKE OF THE DAY. AN IRISH FARMER HAS SUCCESSFULLY GROWN A FIELD OF DILDOS.....UNFORTUNATLY HE IS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH SQUATTERS...................... Edited by descorpian, 10 Apr 2008 - 01:17.
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| KimG | 11 Apr 2008 - 16:07 Post #9 |
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car… and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it… he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which one are you?' … and that's when the fight started. Just so it's clear.... this is just a joke - I didn't really crash my car!!!! |
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| descorpian | 11 Apr 2008 - 16:45 Post #10 |
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JOKE OF THE DAY ................... # I CANT BELEIVE IT SOMEONE ONE CRASHED INTO MY NEW CAR TODAY,, IT WAS A SKODA, THERE WAS MARZIPAN JAM AND SPONGE EVERYWHERE...............LOL........... |
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| KimG | 11 Apr 2008 - 18:08 Post #11 |
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Ha Ha Ha!! I like that one!!! |
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| Laughalot | 14 Apr 2008 - 11:10 Post #12 |
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Mine for today: Two old ladies sitting at the Bingo One said"Did you come on the bus?" Other replies "Yeah, but I made out it was an asthma attack" Giggle, giggle - Maybe this will be us one day! lol |
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| descorpian | 18 Apr 2008 - 22:48 Post #13 |
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joke of the day............. I have left out all the swearing ............... ? = use your imagination just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking it scared me ? so thats it now no more ? reading ..................lol........ |
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| stacey | 14 May 2008 - 11:03 Post #14 |
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Noticed nobody had sent any jokes for a while - so here goes: Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. 'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?' The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.' Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.' St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?' 'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.' 'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never!' replies Dave. 'Well just relax and let it happen' So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... 'Dave, wake up you drunken b * stard, you've sh * t the bed. |
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| KimG | 12 Jul 2008 - 11:48 Post #15 |
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Two fish in a tank. One looks at the other and says you drive, I'll handle the guns! |
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| Shazbaz | 23 Jul 2008 - 20:38 Post #16 |
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Its a long one but I love it To: Tech Support To whom it may concern, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run NappyChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!! Signed, Jane Dear Jane: This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! Sincerely, Tech Support
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| Shazbaz | 24 Jul 2008 - 08:38 Post #17 |
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Bored at HMS Collingwood so another joke Speeding.................... not that any of us ever would GOOD: Wexford: Garda Traffic Corps had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but weren't getting many. Then they discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read SPEED TRAP AHEAD'. The garda also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money (And we used to just sell strawberries!) BETTER: A motorist was mailed a photo of his car speeding through an automated speed check on the N4. A €80 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the gardai a photo of €80. The Gardai responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. BEST: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Traffic Corps Garda walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Garda Traffic Department Ball.' He replied, 'The Garda Traffic Department don't have balls.....' There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
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| Shazbaz | 11 Aug 2008 - 13:59 Post #18 |
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I like this cos it reminds me of ME !! MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up - our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. : : : Shaz |
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