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| Jasper Forfar | |
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| Topic Started: Apr 21 2009, 07:50 PM (154 Views) | |
| jimmy5rips | Apr 21 2009, 07:50 PM Post #1 |
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Character Template Name: Jasper Forfar Age: 19 Gender: Male Profession*: Student of life Appearance: ![]() History: Born to a pair of teachers in Millenia town Jasper was never a very spoilt child. This is not to say that he was unloved but his parents rarely let him off school, unless he was very ill, and they always made sure he did his homework the night it was set. Not that he minded this. It made him one of the best in his class for subjects that he enjoyed. On his 12th birthday him and his parents had a picnic out on the beach. There were cakes, sweets, sandwiches, the works. Everything you would want for really, especially if you were celebrating a birthday as a young child. At some point in the day Jasper and his mother went paddling in the sea with her Politoed, Polly. When they were walking back a dazed dunsparce surfaced in front of the pair of them. Jasper’s mother realised this would be a great birthday present for a later time in his life. So after a quick battle with the juvenile dunsparce it was soon caught. His mother kept hold of the caught pokeball until Jaspers 16th birthday. Then she allowed him to start looking after his pokemon. He grew very attached to this pokemon and it frequently spent time outside of it’s pokeball, around the house and garden; although he was never allowed to take it out of the house and use it in battles. This is becuase his parents felt that his studies were more important then pokemon for the moment. Now at school he wasn’t the most popular person there. Both of his parents were teachers, and he had a pokemon, that many people thought was pretty lame, and he wasn’t even allowed to take it out of the house. So this generally gave him a bad reputation. It was around about this time when Jasper was having a revolution about himself. Over the years he had been found that he was not attracted to girls in the slightest. This on it’s own wouldn’t be classed as weird. However combining this with other feelings for some of his male friends. These feelings did make him uncomfortable sometimes around his friends, and he would be quieter around them sometimes. At his 17th birthday outing with some of his friends in private he decided to tell them when they were sat around in a restaurant eating pizza. They were all supportive of him. This he was surprised about but he soon got used to this and was perfectly comfortable with his sexuality around his friends. When he had finished schooling his parents allowed him to stay in their house until his 19th birthday. Then they told him he was too old to be looked after by his parents; and that he was now old enough now to start looking out for himself. For him to start maturing, on an adventure, but now one on his own he would be with Dunny for the whole time. Without his parents he would experience the real world and come to understand it more. Getting to know the real value of money, and to have a fun time. Personality*: Jasper does not have the most outgoing personality. You can’t describe him as introvert either, he is somewhere in a balance between the two. When he meets new and unfamiliar people he quite often deosn’t trust them or tell them everything about himself until he can more fully understand them properly. With his sexuality he is shy about this. And it will not be until he completely trusts someone that he will tell them about this. When walking along the road he can often be heard humming or singing a song along to himself. He likes doing this as it gives him something to do whilst walking, as he can get bored and distracted easily so music is one of the best ways for him to stay focused on a task. He has always said that if he could walk down the road safely whilst reading a book then he would happily but he realises that this is unfeasible. Starting Pokemon: Dunsparce Nickname*: Dunny Differences*: None. Starting Town: Millenia Poketech Color: Blue Other: Has a library card with him at all times that he can use to get books out of the library (unless this can be a poketech app) Edited by jimmy5rips, Apr 23 2009, 01:34 PM.
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<profile> <journey> level 5 Rage, Defence Curl
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| Roses are Red | Apr 22 2009, 04:02 PM Post #2 |
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Handicapped Trainer
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I am sorry but I cannot accept this registration because of these issues: - Grammar errors There are a number of grammar errors in your submission. A few of your sentences are fragments ("His hair. At the moment it is constantly dyed black." would be better if it was one combined sentence) and either just seem to start with no background or end randomly. There are also a number of redundant or inconsistent sentences. For example, you have in it that his hair is dyed black twice when once is enough and then "He stands at 5’10” which is average height, this combined with his average build puts him weighting at 169lbs, which is just a little underweight for his build." It doesn't make much sense if he is of average build (which constitutes weight) but he's underweight. There's also a few points where an apostrophe needs to be used to represent possessiveness (father's) and then a few times where you capitalize the Pokemon's name but then don't later. It would also be helpful to break the appearance and history into two paragraphs so it isn't a big block o' text. And maybe add something in history about him being gay, it's just a one-liner that is thrown in. That's a pretty significant revelation really. Fix those points and post back when you are finished. Thanks! |
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Silence is merely another language. The cry before | The lull during | The silence after Kayla's Pack Wish List GPXPlus
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| jimmy5rips | Apr 22 2009, 07:22 PM Post #3 |
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Went for a bit of a reboot of the character. but done anyway |
<profile> <journey> level 5 Rage, Defence Curl
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| Roses are Red | Apr 23 2009, 01:07 PM Post #4 |
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Handicapped Trainer
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There are still parts were you don't use an apostrophe to note possessiveness (Jasper's, parents', etc.) and parts where you switch capitalizing the Pokemon's name (either capitalize or don't). There are also several sentences that need a comma or a period to break them up so it isn't a giant run-on. For example: He grew very attached to this pokemon and it frequently spent time outside of it’s pokeball and around the house and garden although he was never allowed to take it out of the house and use it in battles as his parents wanted him to focus more on his studies rather then pokemon for the moment. This is a huge sentence that can also be broken down with a period. Like: He grew very attached to this pokemon and it frequently spent time outside of its poke ball and around the house and garden. He was never allowed to take it out of the house and use it in battles as his parents wanted him to focus more on his studies rather than pokemon for the moment. There are also just very awkward sentences that don't make sense. Over the years he had been found that he was not attracted to girls in the slightest, and now he started having strange feeling for some of his male friends, which he didn’t understand. The first part is awkward to read and the last half is choppy. Over the years, he found that he was not attracted to girls in the slightest. He started having strange feelings for some of his male friends which he didn’t understand. In all, I think running it through a processor of some sort (like Word) would be incredibly beneficial for it and maybe reading it aloud to determine where breaks should be or where they shouldn't be. |
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Silence is merely another language. The cry before | The lull during | The silence after Kayla's Pack Wish List GPXPlus
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| jimmy5rips | Apr 23 2009, 01:36 PM Post #5 |
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sorted. it has been a while since i rped, and i am also a science student, so do not normally have to eal with grammer that much, as long as i write the correct information |
<profile> <journey> level 5 Rage, Defence Curl
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| joeyt | Apr 23 2009, 04:01 PM Post #6 |
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OK, Approved |
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