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Jeremy Harris
Topic Started: Apr 19 2009, 10:44 AM (176 Views)
Raiden

Name: Jeremy Harris
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Profesion*: Pokemon Trainer(Former Teacher)
Appearance: Posted Image
History: Jeremy had a difficult time in German schools because the only language he was taught was English. Because he finally learned German in sixth grade, he did exponentially better that year. In fact, it was such a great year that he skipped right over seventh grade, ending up in eighth grade the next fall. In eighth grade he was tortured immensely by bullies because he was shorter than everyone else, not to mention he was smarter than everyone else.

In ninth grade he came across his first pokemon encounter while doing his homework. It was a Zubat that had wandered into his mother's garden. He then sketched it and went to show his father. "Hey dad I saw this bat-like animal out in the garden today, d'you know anything about it?" he said showing his father the sketch.

"Ummm son I believe what you saw was a pokemon."

"A poke-wha?"

"A pokemon son. A Zubat to be exact."

"Wow... amazing."

Three years passed after this encounter and there were many more after that. Jeremy, now eighteen, was on his way to college to become a teacher. College was tough but he got through at last. On the way through he made many new friends, including his soon to be boss, Principal Dreery.

After four years of college, Jeremy was finally on his way to becoming a teacher. After many job applications, Jeremy finally got a job as a fifth grade teacher. Many of his students were stunned by his young age, so he took this to his advantage to make the kids work hard to be like him.

Six years later, he met an old student of his and he had a pokemon with him. "Oh hello Steven how's life been after fifth grade?"

"Oh man Mr. Harris, life's been great! I've been working my hardest to become a pokemon trainer!"

"Hm? I remember actually when I was in ninth grade I saw a Zubat and that was the first pokemon I ever saw."

"Well Mr. Harris..."

"Oh c'mon call me Jeremy"

"O, Okay Jeremy? Well anyways, Do you have a pokemon?"

"Well, no but..."

"Oh man Jerry you're really missing out! Here take this!" Steven then handed Jeremy a pokeball.

"Wow Steven thanks." The bell then sounded and Steven ran off.

Later that night Jeremy quit his job, packed his things and left to start a pokemon journey!
Starting Pokemon: :chatot
Nickname*: Leo
Starting Town: Mellenia
Poketech Color: :techblack
Other: guitar - http://www.guitarcenter.com/Epiphone-Limited-Edition-Wilshire-Electric-Guitar-518527-i1391552.gc and a violin
Edited by Raiden, Apr 20 2009, 07:53 PM.
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Zygon
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When the stars stop shining, dreams will shatter before your eyes. Know that you're not alone!
The length is good, but the sentences are very choppy and rushed. Put similar sentences together, and that will make it a smoother read. The paragraphs also need to be broken up, big blocks of text make things harder to read. Everytime you change subjects you should start a new paragraph.



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^^^^^^^^^^Clicky my ZERGOOSE EGG ^_^

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Raiden

Hows dis?
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Zygon
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When the stars stop shining, dreams will shatter before your eyes. Know that you're not alone!
You broke it up better, but it is still choppy. The first paragraph especially.

Born in berlin, Jeremy's life has always been strange. Growing up, school was confusing because his parents never taught him german. The only language Jeremy knew was English. It took very many speech classes up until sixth grade to fully learn the language.

^^^^
That whole thing should be put in 2-3 sentences.

EXAMPLE:

BEFORE:
Growing up, school was confusing because his parents never taught him german. The only language Jeremy knew was English.

AFTER:
Jeremy had a difficult time in german schools because the only language he was taught was english.

Before:
Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image
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^^^^^^^^^^Clicky my ZERGOOSE EGG ^_^

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Raiden

well would you mind if I used that XDXDXD
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Zygon
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When the stars stop shining, dreams will shatter before your eyes. Know that you're not alone!
I suppose, but keep in mind there are other things that need fixing.
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Raiden

Editeded
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Blazing Falcon
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Okay.

1. So your grammar is not very good. Your sentences are still a bit choppy, but you manage to express yourself pretty well. Try to use more compound sentences and also just watch your grammar.
"Because of him finally learning German sixth grade was his best year." That is one of your sentences. It should be more like "Because he finally learned German in sixth grade, he did exponentially better that year; in fact, it was such a great year that he skipped right over seventh grade, ending up in eighth grade the next fall." That sentence of mine is more descriptive and less confusing. Also, it follows a lot of grammatical rules. So just run through your whole bio and fix it up a bit more. Also watch the capitalization. The names of languages (like German) Pokemon, and Pokemon names should all always be capitalized.

2. Secondly, I'm confused as to how this kid could have seen his first Pokemon in ninth grade. This might just be me being picky, but I always felt that Pokemon were as common as dogs, cats, and insects. They're everywhere. Also, the fact that the boy's father knew exactly what Pokemon he had seen is also kinda strange.

So yeah. That's a lot of stuff and well, you don't have to take my advice. But, I dropped in here just for the hell of it and thought I'd help you out.

~Falcon
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Raiden

Okay, I fixed it up a bit and what you were saying about the first pokemon encounter and his father knowing it right off. 1. He lived in an area where a pokemon sighting was scarcely encountered. And 2. He Sketched :P
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Raiden

oooookay there we go much better to me!
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Roses are Red
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Approved! Your Profile and Journey will be up in no time.
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Raiden

YaY!!!
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