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| Topic Started: Mar 9 2009, 07:25 PM (83 Views) | |
| Secret | Mar 9 2009, 07:25 PM Post #1 |
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Character Template Name: Kire Zelaznog Age: 12 Gender: Profesion*: Coordinator Appearance: History: I am an only child who grew up in Goldenrod City with my mom and dad. I used to watch contests all of the time on TV. I loved the Hearthome gym leader Fantina so much that I decided to become a coordinator. I was born on April 24, 1996. My mom is a gym leader. You may recall the name Whitney. She is the 3rd Gym Leader in the Johto region. My dad on the other hand was a pokemon trainer that tried to beat my mom. He lost in the end but they fell in love right after the battle. Hence I, Kire, was born! Now I will begin my quest to become the best. I just love pokemon and am striving to become a top coordinator, #1. Fantina is my idol and I love her so much. I can't wait to be in the top 10 coordinators with her. Together with my new psyduck, I will become one of the best coordinators of all time! Starting Pokemon: Starting Town: Nogou Village Poketech Color: Gold Edited by Secret, Mar 9 2009, 08:02 PM.
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| Roses are Red | Mar 9 2009, 07:42 PM Post #2 |
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Handicapped Trainer
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Okay, I'm a little confused. If you're Whitney's child and your parents love each other, why are you raised in Harthome (which is spelled Hearthome and Jhoto = Johto)? Whitney leaving her gym probably would not happen for any reason so...yeah. And who is Louis, another member on the board who is registering or an NPC? It's also incorrect grammar to end with such an amount of exclamation points (just one is really needed and they are really not needed). And please no chatspeak unless you are actually saying it in dialogue. Please change this and I'll have another look. Thanks! |
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Silence is merely another language. The cry before | The lull during | The silence after Kayla's Pack Wish List GPXPlus
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| Jsol | Mar 9 2009, 07:58 PM Post #3 |
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Alternia's resident Canadian Jew
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I still see a few errors here. 1. You misspelled Johto (you spelled it Jhoto again) 2. The use of excess exclamation marks near the end is still there 3. Like RaR said, the chatspeak isn't proper to put unless you are actually saying it that way 4. It doesn't really explain how you got to Alternia from Johto (though I'm not sure if this is necessary) |
~: Profile :~ :~ Journey ~: ~:~ PC ~:~ Current Team MOD INFO Pink since: 03/27/11 Refs done since re-modship: 212 Green since: 08/15/11 Move-Tutors done since re-greenship: 58 Journeys Started: 4 Retired since: 09/04/12 | |
| Roses are Red | Mar 9 2009, 07:59 PM Post #4 |
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Handicapped Trainer
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Approved! Your Profile and Journey will be up in no time. |
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Silence is merely another language. The cry before | The lull during | The silence after Kayla's Pack Wish List GPXPlus
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