Aug 17
sleepwalking
big me.....
Is now having to hide my keys when we go to bed at night, I was awoken at 3.30am not last night but the night before by hearing the sound of my key turning then I heard the front door open , I sat upright and noticed my bf was still in bed with him so I knew it wasn't him so I woke him up and sent him to investigate (I am soft ) plus he weight about 4 stone more than me and is a foot taller... anyway he thought someone had broken in and went out into the street only to find our 10 year old son standing there completley in a daze and unaware, he has always seepwalked but he has never done this before, it really freaked me out thinking of what could have happened we live on a busy street and cars rush around and there isn't always good people around... really kept me awake after that..... yesterday was a quiet day with not much happening , watched a good film called double jepordy ... very interesting.. I went to bed early and today I woke up very early so am very sleepy now, I am feeling quite anxious about the funeral tomorrow but know I need to go to show my love and support.. Also somone I love deeply is having chemo tomorrow so am feeling a quite useless and unable to help people I really wish I could.... on the other hand of things I am really looking forward to Friday I am going out with some friends for my friends birthday , they are a great group of friends and I really enjoy spending time with them and seeing them enjoy themselves before then though my bf has to have some nasty tests in hospital on thursday but the good thing about that is he gets the night off work so can spoil him some ..
baby me... is still in hiding and wishing to be left alone. But still cant do without her dummy...
Aug 15
Angry and upset
big me...
Is very dissapointed and angry with people at the moment, and I wonder how people can be so heartless...... :(( where are peoples morals and compassion gone.... is this the way of the world now? if so then I have been left behind... and glad of it....
The facts are my relative all be it she is not the most perfect lass in the world, but then who is? can any one of us say we have always behaved in the way we should have? our whole lives?? she does drink a little bit to much and has not always been a perfect person and she has children whom she does love very much...
she didn't find out she was pregnant with her 6th child until she was 6 months gone, when she found out she had an ultrasound and found out the baby was very poorly and may not survive...... after many tests and second opinions, it was inevitable the baby could not survive so she has had to be induced at just over 7 months and has given birth to a beautiful baby girl who has been named Angel who was born asleep now at this age the baby is perfectly formed and fully developed and her funeral will take place on tuesday ... now what I am upset over is where people don't have any compassion... just because she didnt know she was pregnant till 1 and a half month ago , doesnt mean she doesnt love her baby, she seen her move on her scan she felt her kick , now anyone who has seen a scan of their baby must know the love you feel for this unborn miracle... just because she has children already doesnt mean you wont love a new one if that was the case we would all only love our first borns... its cack... total cack... just because someone hasnt been a perfect citizen their whole lives doesnt mean they dont hurt and cry and feel the same as the rest of us... and even if the pregnancy wasn't planned or wanted and I am not saying it wasn't wanted by the way doesnt mean having to give birth to your baby and never see or hear her cry and not have a chance at life doesnt tear your heart open.... I am angry at the reaction of some people and the way she is being treated she deserves the same compassion as anyone else in the same situation if not for her then for the beautiful little baby, people make me so mad , I wonder how they would feel the other way round... I am sure that they would not be very happy with people saying things about them that way..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
baby me... is not wanting to play right now and doesn't feel like talking....
Aug 14
being strong
big me.... I havn't wrote my blog for a little while as I have been away on holiday in our caravan so I have almost a week to catch up on.....
I have had another odd week with emotions up and down, last Saturday evening I went and stayed with muppet and Dc for the night which really cheered me up :).
I miss seeing them as often as I used to and I really enjoyed seeing the pair of them again , muppet cooked us a lovely dinner which was very yummy and after dinner we went for a night time walk along the beach ...then this is the scarey bit... muppet went paddling in the sea and this freaks me out big time I have a huge fear of things in the sea namely big fish.... and seeing people paddle is a very freaky experience for me, this is were I got very very brave well not really was absolutely petrifed wasn’t brave at all, I actually went paddling in the sea , this is a real sea by the way it isn’t a little pond thingy.... anyways Dc encouraged me to go in and I went in all the way up to muppet
who was also very encouraging this was right up to my knees in the dark and I couldn’t see my feet let alone my toes.. this might sound like a very easy task to most people but I am very proud of myself for doing this and love Dc and muppet for being there for me .
When we got back we watched a film called space chimps and I think it was good.... but didn’t see some of it cos I was pretending to be asleep... when I pretended to wake up it was finished and I watched red dwarf for a while before going to bed.
The next day was very very busy for me as we went away on holiday but we didn’t get there until late cos my worse half had a hangover and fell asleep... tsk tsk... we eventually got there and I have just returned today, I have had a really really good time Sunday was a good evening , we all sat around in the garden and chatted listening to music and having a drink. Monday was a good day we had a wander over to the club house and I tried apple sambuca mmmm very nice.... Tuesday we sunbathed lots and played lots of pool in the games room.... Wednesday we were meant to come home but we decided to stay till today and we put our england flags and stuff up and watched the england match and listened to england songs yesterday we had a drink and got a chinese takeaway which I think gave me a poorly tummy as I was up most the night with pains... today has been very busy again packing up to come home and unpacking once home.. inbetween all what I have wrote we played cards watched dvds played football ,played games listened to lots of music got tipsy got sunburnt slightly and had subway sandwiches and pizza and even had an indian takeaway one night.. I really liked this campsite it had a lovely clubhouse and a nice gamesroom a washroom a laundry room and lots and lots of grass for the kids to play and the toilets were very nice each had its own room not cubicals in each room was a toilet a shower and chair some shelves and a sink , so changing was so much easier here than at other sites I have been to as I had lots of privacy.
I am feeling quite low since I got home I am really annoyed with things at the moment I am upset that someone I care about should have to go through chemo and radium and it is really hurting me to see the same person get weaker and more poorly as the days go on so although it hurts to see her go through this I know it is very much needed and am really glad deep down that she is getting treatment I am just upset as to how unfair it seems but I am trying to be strong for her and think I am doing a good job...
I also have been told the date for my cousins baby’s funeral which is to be held on tueday , they have named her Angel Paige I am going to be going with my sister and am feeling quite strong to go at the moment. Other than that I am planning on having a quiet week .
I have been having some really bad nightmares and am getting lots of headaches.. I still havn’t been to the doctors for my appointment ..
I am still waiting for my interview for college and have a date to go see about doing some nvq’s ....
Baby me.... Baby me had a lovely evening last Saturday muppet made me giggle lots when her daddy put her bib on her at dinner time , I was very good and didnt make a fuss at all, butmuppet kept on doing twirls everytime her daddy tried to tie her bib in place it was really funny
I took my new bottle and dummy with me to show it to muppet and dc too .
I was a very brave baba at the beach and loved watching muppet splashing in the sea and I liked getting all my feet dirty :d the sand was alllllll over , but its ok cos muppet told me it was the sand monster who left the mucky foot prints and not me at all... the shower tickled all my toes when Dc washed my feet which made me giggle...
We got our jammies put on and watched space chimps but muppet fell fast asleep and was put to beddy byes zzzzz ni nite muppet xx I watched the rest of space chimps... nearly anyways and got to wear one of muppets onsies which was very very pretty (ty muppet muuwwaahh) which made baby me feel much more baby me...
before I went to beddy byes myself I got lovely cuddles from Dc baby me misses dc and muppet very much nearly as much as big me...
after I went home and to the caravan baby me has not had chance to come out and playno dummies allowed at the caravan which makes a big difference to my sleeping cos people would see it if i had it and that is not good...
I am hoping to get some baby time tomorrow evening when the kids have gone to bed .
Baby me is now wanting to get some clothes for herself
baby me is wanting her dummy very very badly at the moment .....so is pretty grumpy and sighing lots...
baby me doesn’t want to go out to college or to anywhere really just wants to stay indoors where it is safe and nice and comfortable.
Baby me wants some calpol... baby me is wanting to come out more ...
Aug 08
.......
big me......
Is extremley unhappy and scared and basically not in a good way....
This year has been totally cack and I can't wait for it to be over and done with. I have never had such a roller coaster of a year ever...
I am watching someone I love like a mother go through cancer for the 2nd time..... :(( she is going to be starting radium daily and chemo once a week, I know how horrid chemo is for her so every tuesday I will take her a suprise up to the hospital to cheer her up...:) will make me feel like I am doing something..
My cousin has to give birth to her poorly baby so she can go be an Angel
I am finally starting to talk with my counsellor about the physical , sexual and emotional abuse by my father when I was a little girl and thats so hard , so much harder than it sounds. Well I say talking to my counsellor and I havn't yet but have written some things down for her. We are giving it a break and concentrating on getting through other things at the moment. We also are addressing the rape that happened when I was a teenager...
My mam is really struggling to keep her house which usually would petrify me but with everything else it seems quite a small problem ...
My bf is not feeling well and has to go for tests n stuff ....
My new heart meds make me feel sleepy and cack all the time so its a difficult decision take them and feel cack but no panick attacks and am much calmer and bp is smore stable or dont take them feel well most of the time but risking alot more,
and I have my 3 kids to look after and entertain while they are off school, they are also very upset and scared and I have to try to act normal infront of them and it wears u down...
and also got a letter from my doctors to go see them over blood tests so that annoys me hate going.... grrrrr so am wondering how I can put that off for a few weeks to get my head round things...
I could go on n on but they are the main things that are keeping me awake at night....
I will stop whinging now and continue with whats happening in my big life.
I am still waiting to hear from the college to see if there is a place on the counselling course level 3 , though am not sure I will be able to cope with the work load at the moment... am also thinking of starting a aromatherpy course... lots of options out there for me at the moment. I am going to be going on a self esteem program aswell in september so busy times coming up...
I had a lovely day out at scarborough this week aswell, forget everything for the day and spent time with friends and just really enjoyed the day, I even went on a boat in the sea which is very brave for me, thats a few times now I am getting braver and braver....
Also took the kids to the carnival and went on some rides.... I used the fact I have a heart problem to get me outta going on this terrible looking ride where u sit on a bull and it throws u off was room for 12 people 2 per bull and more than enough room for me to go on... I said nope not allowed ... when in reality I know it wouldnt have affected me ... so got my son and bf on it and took loads of pics for facebook... hehehe I went on the rides were u get strapped in
My middle child turned 10 on thursday and we took them away in the caravan for the day and night , we had a lovely time
The house is my safe place my bubble but it is also like jail... feel trapped and scared... depends who is with me really...
My bf seems to be annyoned with everyone and everything at the moment he has alot of stress too at the moment including trying to provide for me and the kids on a very low wage... he needs a proper job
baby me....
baby me is struggling at the moment to come and play, I want to play and want to be just baby , I dont get the chance often these days and when I do I am struggling to be baby, I want it but it just isnt happening , baby me is hiding away, feels guilty for being this way and enjoying it when I know so many are hurting around me maybe... whatever the reason is baby me doesn't understand it and is upset and wanting to come and play, I have my new dummy and my new bottle which I totally love
I suppose thats all I have to tell for now
xx me xx
Jul 24
difficult times for baby me and big me
baby me...... is very lost and confused at the moment .... I threw all my baby things out in a moment of madness , I had a very bad day with some very upsetting news and I just kinda lost the plot a bit and big me threw baby me's things out I really don't know why , I guess I was feeling guilty for wanting things that arnt normal so to say when people are hurting and so upset and they deal with it in a very different way to me and in normal ways. My way of dealing with things I don't know how too is even worse than being baby and I suppose throwing the things out was a way of hurting myself without actually physically doing so. By doing that baby me has really suffered , I am not used to sleeping without a dummy anymore , and I like to have a drink in my bottle now and then etc, I did keep my nappies as I use them as adult me so at least can still be baby me... just a very grumpy baby me... I have ordered a new nuk 5 and a bottle with a nuk 5 teat aswell they should arrive very soon. My bf is bringing me a dummy in this evening so should sleep better tonight. I have the whole night to myself tomorrow night , kids sleeping out , bf out all evening working so am planning on having a baby evening.
big me...... is scared and worried and really doesn't know what to do... and feel very much like I am failing as a mother , and family member. thats all I have to say really.
I am enjoying being back on the site after neglecting it for a while
nice to see some friendly names xx
hugs to those who want them
me x
Sep 19
18th sept 2008
Baby me.....
baby me is very happy at the moment, I found my dummy today which I am super pleased about cos I reallly really missed it and need it, and got one of my old bottles out which I forgot I liked so much and had some baby time today, got my fave toys out and just spent some time not worrying or thinking bout anything just enjoying playing and watching cartoons was nice and is something I rarley do these days , baby me hasnt been playing out very much and was nice to just be baby me.
Baby me also was looking for some new clothes and is getting excited to buy something new.
Adult me.....
is it really any wonder people like being ab??? everything is much simpler easier nicer .....
I am feeling so confused and unsure what to do at the moment, I just don't know what to do for the best.
I have what I concider a problem, I recently started a counselling course (tuesday gone) and some of the lasses in the class work at a organsation which helps women who have certain issues or problems and is also where I go for counselling myself well am supposed to start there tomorrow I see this as a problem for me, but after speaking to my bf and one of my best friends am not sure is a real problem, but then it is a problem because its bothering me, and just because other people dont understand or see it as a problem doesnt mean it goes away and doesn't bother me anymore. And if things are upsetting me this much that arn't problems then why is that ? how do I stop it? not sure whats worse to me my problem or the fact that my loved ones dont understand where I am coming from when it seems really obvious to me. I think again it comes down to trust if I had more faith in people I probly wouldnt be feeling a quater as bad as I am right now and there wouldn't be a problem at all. But how can we trust people we dont know, even if they are supposed to be professional and decent how can we really even trust some people we do know? I guess I may have some trust issues going on, but then whos to say I am the one who is wrong? if you dont give people bullets they cant shoot so to speak, cant get hurt if you dont give people chance to hurt you. Can I continue to let my insecurities do this? can I try some methods I have learnt, ie.. whats the worst that can happen? well can think of some very awful outcomes so that doesnt work, does it really matter ? yes it really does matter to me. I dont see how I can study along side these ladies when they could know some of my darkest horriblest moments/ times in my life they may not know full history but due to the nature of the organisation they will basically know some stuff. How can I trust them when I dont know anything about them except that they have to do this course at college for work and that one doesn't wanna be there, one is gobby but seems friendly enough, others seems nice enough aswell.
I am feeling I will never get away from the past ,I am feeling it will spoil things and haunt me forever strong statement I know.
I feel its spoiling things now and I dont know how to deal with it but to hide away , which is what I have been trying to learn not to do.
I have 3 options really.
1. stop the college course
2. stop my own counselling
3. ignore the fact that some of my class members may see me and carry on as normal.
number 1... I dont want to do I am really happy with the class even though was quite difficult at times , I find the subject very intresting and I like the teacher and right now am hoping to progress to the next level after the exam this christmas.
number 2... is the easiest option and the one I am drawn to , it is the option I 99% of the time take.
number 3... is the option I am feeling I should be taking , but is that for myself? or because I think thats what others think I should do? I am thinking its both, I think the others think I should do that because they care about me and want whats best for me. I think I should be taking this option because when I look at how far I have come from going to counselling and with support from my loved ones I wouldnt have even dreamed of taking a college course this time last year , year before that I wouldn't have even concidered going to counselling, I wouldnt even go to the shops by myself at one point. I know I still have issues and hang ups to work out.
Am I finding excuses not to go? I dont really want to go because its a new counsellor and a new place that is over the other side of town (bad side), is it easier to find excuses than to admit to myself I am pathetically scared and unsure of what to do or where to go. I hate new things new places, I feel physically sick when I have to go to new places , appointments ,meet new people etc by myself, or am I right in my fears, could this really be the worst thing I could do right now? or is it simply me feeling stupid and ashamed of my past? do i really care what other people think of me? always thought I pretty much didn't, if people don't like me then tough... I am who I am but maybe deep down I do care what others think, maybe I want to be someone I am not, maybe I want them to see me as someone different, more confident , a better person. Maybe a mixture of everything.
well I guess I have some thinking to do , I am supposed to be there in 7 and half hours and havnt even thought of going to sleep yet.
hugs to all who want them.
and thanks to those who read the blogs on here
xx me xx
Sep 14
my blog 14/9/08
I havn't wrote a blog for a long time now. I have missed writing my blog, sometimes it has really helped me understand my feelings and fears I think by writing them down sometimes can see a new perspective on things . I have struggled sometimes with my blog writing because I have felt it was too deep for people to read or that it may annoy people or upset people. I didn't write sometimes because of this but I have since figured if people don't like it then they wont read it, simple really. my blogs include both my adult life and my baby life and my feelings and actions from both sides of me.
I am going to write two sections in each blog, because usually my 2 sides are feeling and experiencing very different things and more often than not they conflict with each other.
Baby me....
Baby me is quite happy at the moment, though is quite grumpy cos can't find my dummy, its gone walkies again and is my fave dummy and does help me sleep, when I don't have my dummy I find I suck my thumb which is something baby me does naturally but big me has tried to stop doing for most of my life. Baby me wants to play and is missing playing with muppet and spending time with her and DC. I dont see muppet and Dc very much anymore, one because I don't have my kids babysat very often anymore and 2 because they are both busy with their own lives and 3 because I felt the need to distance myself from them so when they move it doesnt hurt as much, I am loving my new bottle at the moment it has a soft spout or a teat and is wide neck which I find much better for drinking from, I dont like the smaller teats they squish in to easy and dont feel nice in my mouth. And I am wanting to get some baby clothes for myself cos I only really have my jammies which make me feel more baby, but want more now. Baby me doesnt like going out much prefer to stay indoors with toys and people I love and cartoons on tv and spaghetti shapes, baby me is easily pleased. My fave tv program at the moment is care bears the movie 2 I like to watch it again and again and love the songs from it. I love nappies and baby me is very lazy and even sometimes when maybe could try n make it to the toilet doesnt cos loves the nappies and wearing them and doesnt see the point of going to the toilet when wearing a nappy, and doesnt like pull ups at all they leak and are not thick enough...... and make me feel too grown up.
Baby me sometimes gets lost for a while depending on whats happening in my life and my feelings, right now baby me is wanting to be around alot more than usual. I am usually quite seperate in my 2 sides but sometimes the 2 sides do cross and traits come out in my adult life aswell, I guess sometimes baby me wins the battle and shows more than I want her 2.
Adult me....
Adult me is feeling very confused at the moment, I am excited and anxious for starting a basic counselling course on tuesday I have enrolled at the local college and while part of me is really excited and really looking foward to starting the course part of me feels anxious because I feel I may not be good enough to do the course or that I will mess it up somehow or fail the exam etc, I am also going back to counselling myself which sorta makes me feel a bit odd, how can I even begin to try to learn how to help others when I clearly cannot help myself, but then the other side (yeah I guess I have more than 2 sides), the other side tells me that the more I work with my counsellor the easier things will get for me and the more confident I will become and also is giving me a different insight into counselling I am seeing it from the other side which surely can only help with my studies. I feel counselling has helped me alot, I do feel more confident now and I feel slightly more at ease with things of my past , but I have failed in some of the things I was hoping counselling would be able to help me with which upsets me because I feel I have failed to do what I set out to do, I guess old habits take time to get out of and nothing can be solved in a short period of time.
I have a very hard few days this weekend, 2 of my kids went away on friday morning and came home this afternoon (sunday) it was the first time they have been away without me and although they where very excited to go away I was dreading it with every fiber of my being, I have left them once before for 2 days that was a few years back when I went down to brighton but I had left them with my grandmother so I felt confident that they where safe and looked after. This time they went away from me to strangers and with teachers who I dont really know or trust and this frightened me so much, my kids are not babies they are primary school children but I am their mother and am responsible for them and if anything had happened to them while they where away I would never have forgiven myself , I find it so hard to trust people and I know that not all people are bad infact most are quite genuine but I worry , I cant help but worry , I get these bad bad feelings that just wont go away, I feel like bad things are happening or may happen and it makes me feel sick and I panick. I feel stupid because everyone tells me to stop being stupid but how can I stop feeling what I feel just because I shouldn't be feeling it? When you have kids you want whats best for them in every way possible and you want to protect them as best you can and its difficult to let go and to allow them into the big wide world, I get paranoid that something bad will happen, maybe because bad things have happened to me in my own life, or maybe because I see and hear bad things in the news etc either way I have found this weekend hard and have realised I need to maybe trust people a little bit more and allow my kids more freedom as they shouldnt suffer because I feel insecure and afraid of the world. I have been thinking of who are the people I really really trust, I can really only come up with a very small amount of people, I appear to trust alot more people than I actually do, I went to liverpool alone to meet friends from the net, I have had people from the net come visit me in my own home gave them my address etc did I fully trust them at that point? no I didn't ,I don't feel the need to fully trust someone when it comes to myself, but when it comes to my kids who are the people I fully trust??? I find it hard to trust anyone if I am really honest, I find it hard to trust even family, family members can hurt just as easily as other people. I personally trust only 6 people with my kids though I am pretty certain I could trust maybe 10 -12 people this includes family.
I have been trying to stop using nappies as much and been using pull ups or the silly pads that the incont nurse gave me when going out for evenings or going to friends places , I have been doing good with it and been making it to the toilet and trying to go often so dont get a bladder full to avoid leakage. I still take pills that make me wet a really lot so when have taken them still using nappies till the effects wear off and am still using nappies for bed times or when I am alone and needing baby time.
I am very sleepy have had some bad dreams the last few days dreams which have upset me alot and made me not want to sleep I havnt woke up crying and screaming for quite a while but thats happened again and sometimes can set a pattern off worry about dreaming so more likely to etc , so am going to stop writing and relax before sleep time, but I am going to try writing my blog often
hugs to all who want them, do people actually read blogs on here? am curious as its very different to the old site.
me.
 6:07 AM Dec 5
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